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Good DTV Genre Films Part 17 (continued): Do you like your action films down and dirty with very little exposition and lots of gunfights and hand-to-hand combat? Then you can do no better than I AM WRATH (2016), starring (believe it or not) John Travolta as the main character. I wanted to see this DTV film since I heard that Chuck Russell directed it, his first feature film since 2002's THE SCORPION KING. Other Russell films include A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS (1987); the superior remake of THE BLOB (1988); the Jim Carrey comedy/fantasy THE MASK (1994) and the Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick ERASER (1996). So you can see how, after a 14 year absence, I wanted to see what he churned out. And I wasn't disappointed. When former Black Ops agent Stanley Hill (a fit Travolta, who is excellent if you can ignore his bad hairpiece) watches his wife Vivian (Rebecca De Mornay) being murdered, he tries legal means to find out why. It is apparent to Stanley that Detective Gibson (Sam Trammell of TRUE BLOOD) and his group of other detectives are corrupt and may be in on his wife's murder (Stanley beats up two detectives and forces them to give back all the money to an old oriental woman they shook down every month as "protection" for her restaurant. The next day, Stanley watches as the two injured detectives in casts and bandages carry a huge envelope of money into the restaurant and one of the detectives says, "I don't know what hurts worse, the beat-down or doing this."). Stanley and his best friend Dennis (Christopher Meloni of LAW & ORDER: SVU and very good, as well as funny), another former Black Ops agent, work together to get to the bottom of Stanley's wife's murder. From this moment on, the film is nothing but a series of well-staged shootouts, explosions and fisticuffs, where no blood is spared. This was the quickest 92 minutes I have sat through in a long time, as some of the set-pieces are nail-bitingly suspenseful and this film goes way past what we would regard as an R-Rating, as people are shot in the head, lose body parts and are blown apart in explosions. It also has a satisfying conclusion, which leaves the film open for more Travolta/Meloni films in the future (and I hope there are, as they make a great team). I am glad Chuck Russell is back and this is better than most action films I have seen in theaters, but it seems to me that a lot of John Travolta films are going straight to DTV simply because he is being punished for being a Scientologist. It can't be because of the value of the film. He makes a perfect action hero here and also has in some of the other films of his that have gone the DTV route. I only hope this is Chuck Russell's return to the directorial chair and we don't have to wait another 14 years for another film. This one has everything an action film fan could ask for and more. Highly recommended.; THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR (2016) is one of those horror films you are either going to love or hate, there will be no middle ground. I happen to love it because of its exotic location (Mumbai, India) and some really terrifying scares. A husband and wife, Michael (Jeremy Sisto; LAW & ORDER - 2007-2010) and Maria (Sarah Wayne Callies; INTO THE STORM - 2014) are vacationing in India when Maria announces she is pregnant. They decide to live in India because Michael's job was looking to create an office there. Six years pass and Maria is a wreck. It seems Maria and Michael had two children, Oliver (Logan Creran) and Lucy (Sofia Rosinsky), and Oliver drowned when the car Maria was driving went over a bridge into a raging river during a monsoon. Oliver was trapped, so Maria was only able to save Lucy. Maria is on a spiral of depression, until one day she decides to overdose on sleeping pills, but Michael is able to save her by getting her to the hospital on time. Michael and Maria's housekeeper, Piki (Suchitra Pillai), asks Maria if she would like to talk to her son for one last time and say the things she couldn't say to him before he died. It involves a Hindu ritual where they dig up Oliver's grave and perform a supernatural spell, where they burn Oliver's body and then Maria goes into a temple and is only able to talk to Oliver through the door. But by no means must she open the door or bad things will happen. Maria agrees to do all this, but makes Piki swear never to tell Michael. They perform the ritual and Maria talks to Oliver through the door, but when Oliver says he must go, Maria thinks she didn't have enough time with him, so she opens the door. Big mistake. Something besides Oliver comes to our side and begins to make life hell for Maria and Lucy. Michael is still oblivious to it all because he spends so much time at the office. At first, Maria believes that the ghost of Oliver has followed her home, because the piano starts playing Oliver's favorite tune. But things turn nasty mighty quick. Lucy starts ending up with bruises on her body. The fish in their pond all die and so do the plants. Chairs slide across the floor and pin Maria into one, where she is forced to sit and read Oliver's favorite story. Scary looking Hindu people begin to appear wherever Maria goes and scare the shit out of her and Lucy. And then we find out the spirit is of a violent girl named Myrtu (played by male actor Javier Botet, and this is not the first time he has portrayed a female ghost or demon. He played a female in [REC] - 2007 and MAMA - 2012), the Gatekeeper of the Underworld. I'll leave the rest for you to discover. What surprised me most is that this film was directed and written by Johannes Roberts, who gave us one of the worst money-making horror films of all time STORAGE 24 (2012; look for a review in the bad DTV section), so I was surprised I would like this film so much. It may remind people of all those American-made versions of Japanese horror films (which I mostly hate), but this one has very unusual location work and some truly scary scenes (it starts nearly in the beginning with a small girl on the beach who points at Maria, screams and her face begins to change into something horrible). See if you agree with me and watch it when you get the chance.; I have to say that I wasn't expecting much from director/producer/co-writer Stephen Chow's MERMAID (2016), since I found most of his previous films overlong visual effects festivals with a minimal of story. Boy was I surprised here. The film starts off in a slapstick comical way (which almost made me turn it off), but there was something about it that told me to stay with the film. The basic plot of the film is about a self-absorbed land developer named Liu Xuan (Chao Deng) and his partner, Li Ruolan (Yuqi Zhang), who plans on developing a gulf with a shipwreck on it into an vacation hotspot. Unfortunately, the area is also the home for the last of a horde of mermaids and other creatures, including their leader, The Octopus (Zhixiang Luo) and an elderly mermaid Queen, with the biggest flippers you ever saw. The Octopus assigns female mermaid Shan (the beautiful Jelly Lin, a.k.a. Yun Lin) to disguise herself as a human hooker (the way it is done is quite ingenius) and kill Liu Xuan. She tries using many undersea weapons, but is comically defeated every time and never noticed by Liu Xuan. An American scientist (Ivan Kotik, who speaks perfect Mandarin), has developed a sonic weapon that will kill all dolphins from returning to the gulf (they try the weapon out in a goldfish bowl and the poor goldfish explodes), but that also means it will kill all the mermaids and other creatures in the gulf. Unfortunately, Shan falls in love with Liu and things become very complicated until it develops into Liu being betrayed by Li Ruolan, who wants a live mermaid to become extremely rich and that mermaid happens to be Shan. You'll have to watch the film to see how it turns out. One thing I loved about this film is how it starts out as a slapstick comedy and within its short 94 minutes (for Stephen Chow films, anyway) slowly becomes more violent and violent until there is an all-out war between the mermaids and Li Ruolan's automatic weapon-carrying soldiers. It turns out to be a bloodbath until Liu Xuan and The Queen intervenes and the tacked-on finale gives it a happy ending, the only thing that seemed to be unoriginal, but kind of touching anyway. Besides some dodgy CGI, the film is a spectacle for the eyes, as the colorful underwater scenery seems to pop-out of the screen (it was shot in 3D). This is the most finacially successful Chinese film ever made, bringing in nearly $500 million in China in 2016 alone (it will also soon be adapted into a TV Series). There is a reason for that. It is very entertaining, full of action and some good comedy (watching two police officers trying to draw a mermaid from Liu Xuan's description is a howl) and a really good all-out bloody brawl during the finale (as well as an ecological message like in the 2009 documentary THE COVE). Even though it was certified hit in China, it only got a limited theatrical/VOD release in the United States before being dumped on disc and cable TV. At least we get to see it as it was originally intended, language in Mandarin with English subtitles. Look for Chinese legend Tsui Hark as Uncle Rich (he uses the pseudonym "Ke Xu" here). Hark said he only took the part because he wanted to see how Stephen Chow works, since all his films have been certified hits in China. This is also the only Stephen Chow directed film without Stephen Chow as the star. My highest recommendation; If KICKBOXER: VENGEANCE (2016) seems familiar, it is because the plot follows nearly all the martial arts films since they were created in the U.S and abroad in the 1980's. This one features a very good performance by Jean-Claude Van Damme, who starred in the original KICKBOXER (1989), only this time he is the teacher rather than the fighter (although he does a good amount of martial arts fighting on his own without the benefit of a stuntman; more than I remember him seeing do in the past several years, where he preferred guns over martial arts). Like I said, the story is as old as the ages: When Kurt Sloane (Alain Moussi; a stuntman-turned-actor and not bad at all) sees his brother Eric (the late Darren Shahlavi, in his final film role) killed at the hands of Muay Thai champion Tong Po (GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY's and WWE wrestler David Bautista) in an underground martial arts combat ring (a caged squared circle) in Thailand, the Muay Thai inexperienced (but martial arts proficient) Kurt promises that he will kill Tong Po for what he has done. Three months pass and he has to prove himself to Eric's teacher Master Durand (Van Damme, sporting a wicker fedora and sunglasses, even in the rain!) that he is worthy enough to be taught Muay Thai. Eventually, Master Durand gives in and agrees to train Kurt, while Kurt's soon-to-be girlfriend Marcia (Gina Carano), a local Thailand Royal Police detective (half of whom are on Tong Po's take), tries to stop Kurt from getting himself killed (He saves her life once from a bunch of Tong Po's thugs, part of the fight taking place on the backs of two elephants!). The second third of the film is one big 80's montage, as Durant gets Kurt into shape for his first fight (he has to work his way up to Tong Po) and Van Damme seems to be having a good time here (he's thinner than normal, but still built like a brick shithouse and can still kick high). After some successful and unsuccessful fights, Kurt decides he is ready for Tong Po, but Durant proves to him that he isn't (Durant beats Kurt in a well-choreographed martial arts fight, but then pro-Po fighter Kavi {UFC fighter Georges "Rush" St-Pierre; DEATH WARRIOR - 2009} comes to join in, which Durant makes mincemeat of and convinces Kavi to be Kurt's sparring partner!). We all know how all these films end, so there is no reason to tell you what it is, but this film definitely belongs to Jean-Claude Van Damme. I originally thought he was just going to put in a 5 minute cameo, but the fact is, he looks like he is having so much fun making this film, you can't help but like it, too. Van Damme may be getting old, but with his age comes not just plenty of exercise to keep him in shape, but a true ability to act. It also doesn't hurt that everyone, including Gina Carano, know how to fight in real life and director/actor John Stockwell (CAT RUN - 2011; and made IN THE BLOOD - 2013 with Gina Carano) fills this movie with little tributes to the first film (and ignores the "sequels" starring Sasha Mitchell and Mark Decascos). One such little tribute is when a prisoner asks Durant and Kurt to take him with them when they escape prison. The prisoner who asks that question is Michel Qissi, who played Tong Po in the original film. The end of the film also contains a funny scene for those who remember the original movie. Dimitri Logotheti, the director of SLAUGHTERHOUSE ROCK (1987), is co-writer of this film and is directing and writing a sequel to this film starring both Van Damme and Moussi and called KICKBOXER: RETALIATION, for release sometime in 2017. David Bautista is the person who puts minimum time into this film, as we watch him kill Eric in the beginning of the film (and then bed two naked ladies), see him kill another opponent at the film's halfway mark and then gets into the main fight at the end (but it is a lengthy fight, nearly 20 minutes long). Instead of being bald or having short-cropped hair like we normally see him, he sports an enormously thick ponytail and chin hair which makes him look even more evil. If you just want to watch a good old-fashioned mindless martial arts action flick like you did in the 80's & early-90's, I can't think of a better film to recommend. Van Damme deserves to be on the big screen again. I love his DTV films, but someone should give him a chance to be in theatrical films again. His acting abilities will surprise you.; MORGAN (2016) is one of those modern-day technical sci-fi films with a heart, even if the subject of the title (and someone else) may not have a human one. Morgan (Anya Taylor-Joy; THE WITCH - 2015) is a woman in her young 20's who was created solely without any human DNA (we see photos of the abominations that were first born and killed before Morgan became a viable human-like baby), created by a team of scientists consisting of such people as Dr. Lui Cheng (Michelle Yeoh, still as beautiful as ever) whom Morgan calls "Mother", Dr. Simon Ziegler (Toby Jones; THE RITE - 2010), Dr. Kathy Grieff (Jenniffer Jason Leigh; AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING - 2014, one of those films that keeps on getting postponed indefinitely by Dimension Films), Dr. Amy Menser (Rose Leslie; GAME OF THRONES - 2012-2014) and Dr. Darren Finch (Chris Sullivan; THE KNICK - 2014-2015). When Morgan was two weeks old, she had the body of a two year-old girl and five years later, she has the looks and the body of a young woman in her twenties. One day, apparently for no reason, Morgan rips the left eye out of Kathy, so corporate bigshot Jim Bryce (Brian Cox in an extended cameo) sends his best problem solver, Lee Weathers (Kate Mara; TRANSSIBERIAN - 2008), to decide whether Morgan should live or die. Since the incident with Kathy, which Morgan doesn't have any explanation for, she is kept in a large room with one side of the room encased in bulletproof and unbreakable glass. Lee is somewhat a souless person, who shows very little emotion (this was a small problem for me, since I guessed the ending based solely on Kate Mara's performance, even though she is a looker.) and when Skip Vronsky (Boyd Holbrook; A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES - 2014 and RUN ALL NIGHT - 2015, both starring Liam Neeson), a worker at the institute, kisses her, she looks at it as a new experience. Then the shit starts hitting the fan. A psychiatrist, Dr. Alan Shapiro (Paul Giamatti in a cameo), sits across a table asking Morgan some questions, when she gets up and takes a huge bite out of Shapiro's neck, killing him (a quite effective scene). Morgan locks Lee in the glass encased room and starts killing everyone in various bloody ways, except for her best friend Amy and Skip, who manages to avoid Morgan. Morgan saves "Mother" for last as she is sending a video to corporate headquarters that Morgan is an experiment who failed. But is Morgan a failure? Lee manages to escape the glass room (another giveaway) and she chases Morgan and Amy in a car chase, but Morgan makes Lee's car slam into a tree. Skip comes driving by and Lee takes control of his vehicle, with Skip as a passenger. Morgan stops at the end of a dirt road and leads Amy to a dock by a lake. Lee tries to kill Morgan, but Lee ends up impaled through the stomach on a tree branch. Morgan joins Amy on the dock and looks at her reflection in the water. Tears start coming out of Morgan's non-human eyes, proving that even non-human genetically-created lifeforms can have feelings. But the camera pans behind Morgan to find Lee standing there with a gun. She shoots and kills Morgan, her body falling into the water. Lee the puts a bullet right between Amy's eyes. When she comes walking back to Skip's vehicle, she non-chalantly shoots and kills Skip. A clean-up team is sent to the secluded laboratory and the woods to get rid of all the bodies when Jim Bryce exposes that Lee is also a non-human genetic creation made at another lab and she is the best in the business. They have created the perfect assassin. One with no feelings. This is Luke Scott's first film as a Director of a feature film (he was Second Unit Director on some recent big films for Ridley Scott, who is one of the Producers here) and he keeps things moving at a lightning pace (especially the last 35 minutes) and the violence is quite shocking because it comes out of nowhere. I guessed Kate Mara as Lee was also a laboratory creation from nearly the first scene she was in. Her icy demeanor, Darren's kiss and the way she escapes the glass room only further enhances the theory that she is not human. Besides that major mis-step, this is a cracking good action/sci-fi film that was made on a budget of $8 million, just a small pittance when compared to the films of Ridley Scott, and you can see Scott's hand in some of the scenes (Morgan always wears a hoody and in some scenes the hood seems to pulsate). This had a small release to theaters in September 2016 in the U.S., where it hardly made half of its budget back, but that is no reason why you should not check this better than average flick. I enjoyed it immensely, flaws and all.; Now give me a few minutes here before calling me a hack reviewer. I liked ROGER CORMAN'S DEATH RACE 2050 (2016) not just because it is the real sequel to his DEATH RACE 2000 (1975), but because, even though it takes place in 2050, it has a lot to say about us in today's society. It deals with a famous driver named Jed Perfectus (Burt Grinstead), who is gay but refuses to believe it (He won't make love to his beautiful navigator Grace Tickle (Shanna Olson), because she isn't "pretty enough"; another driver named Tammy (Anessa Ramsey), who runs her own fake religion so she can run over her believers and gain more points; a black female driver named Minerva Jefferson (Folake Olowofoyeku), who acts all tough on the outside, but is actually a nice person on the inside; a driverless vehicle named A.B.E. (voiced by D.C. Douglas), who finally passes the point of being an A.I. and becomes human; and, of course, Frankenstein (Manu Bennett; but I am sure David Carradine would have reprised his role if he were still alive), who is sick and tired of killing people and just wants to live a normal life. His navigator happens to be Annie Sullivan (Marci Miller), who works for the Rebels, headed by Alexis Hamilton (Yancy Butler), who wants this waste of human lives to stop. The game is run by world leader The Chairman (Malcolm McDowell, with the weirdest hairpiece he has ever worn), who believes keeping the world's people jobless and replaced by machines is the way for all corporations to become rich (a nuclear experiment has made everyone sterile, so there have been no births for years), but he is growing tired of Frankenstein's refusal to kill innocent human beings (he even swerves his car so that he doesn't hit a kitten swatting at a butterfly!) and plans to make sure that no one crosses the three day cross-country race's finish line in New Los Angeles, so he works with Hamilton and the Rebels to make sure that happens. The people sitting at home are watching the race through their VR headsets (much like today's youth with their video games) and can put themselves in the eyes of anyone in the race. Director/co-writer G.J. Echternkamp (this is his first sci-fi/horror film) also brings up a lot of things that are wrong with today's society, but it isn't a political film. There are gory kills, a humorous homosexually-themed fight between Jed and Frankenstein and plenty of racing action (the cars are not bad-looking). Frankenstein knows that Annie works for the Rebels (at one time, Annie puts a steel-trap devise up her vagina to sever Frankenstein's penis, but he refuses her advances because she was in the shower so long and wasted enough water for a month!), but Annie starts to come around to Frankenstein's point of view and at the finale, Frankenstein does something to make the populace of New Los Angeles to revolt against each other and he and Annie fall in love as the city burns to the ground. There's a lot of valid social commentary in this film disguised as a gory horror film (and the gore flows freely and frequently, as bodies are cut in half, blown apart, heads and body parts hit the cars and other human carnage, all done very well), but that is what B-Films like this should do: Make you think a little bit while you enjoy the blood. I highly recommend the film, but get the disc version, as the version shown on SyFy cuts out some of the gorier parts, bleeps out all the "fucks" (but, surprisingly, keeps everything else in) and blows up frames to crop out the nudity. This is Producer Roger Corman's best film in years, yet it made it's debut on Home Video. Don't pass this by because you think it is cheap. It is probably Corman's best-looking film in a long time thanks to a co-production between Universal Pictures (who also handle the disc release in the U.S.) and New Horizon Pictures.; TERM LIFE (2016 ) is a very interesting crime actioner if you can get over Vince Vaughn's bad hairpiece (he looks like Moe Howard of the Three Stooges!). It was also the second feature film directed by Peter Billingsley, the child actor from A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983). Instead of shooting his eye out with a Red Ryder carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, Billingsley has people shot in the groin, head, stomach and chest. Vaughn is Nick Barrow, an unassuming crook who plans robberies and heists down to the last detail and sells them to the highest bidder. When one of his planned robberies goes wrong and the brother of crime kingpin Viktor (an excellent Jordi Molla) is killed, he puts a hit on Nick. A troubled Nick takes out an insurance policy on his life and must remain alive for 21 days until his estranged daughter Cate (Hailee Steinfeld; ENDER'S GAME - 2013) can collect the money. He hasn't talked to his daughter in over 12 years, but he has kept a close eye on her activities (His ex-wife is in rehab for drug addiction). Nick must stay away from various hitmen, especially crooked police detective Joe Keenan (the late Bill Paxton, in one of his final film roles), who is the one who actually killed Viktor's brother, and his equally crooked (and nervous) partner, Detective Matty Miller (Shea Whigham; BOARDWALK EMPIRE - 2010-2014), who stole the money from the botched heist. Nick tries to reconnect with Cate, but it proves to be quite difficult, because she never understood why he left her life. When he explains to her what he does for a living, she starts to soften and pulls his ass out of the fire several times, especially when Viktor and his right-hand man Marko (Cain Velasquez) kidnap him and Viktor tells Nick that he is going to die. Nick does not know how to talk to his daughter, so he asks his best friend and partner Harper (Jonathan Banks, who has some terrific one-liners) what to say to his daughter (Harper says, "Talk about Barbies"!). Nick has very many close calls, but he always manages to escape, until Cate comes up with the perfect plan to clear her father (seems like she inherited some of Nick's crime genes). This film is fast, funny, bloody and violent. Paxton shoots people just for looking at him funny and begins to kill his partners, beginning with Matty. (Mike Epps is also one of his corrupt partners). This is a very satisfying crime/action fan, as there are many shootouts where nothing is left to the imagination. Look for both Terrence Howard (as a scared local cop who gets into a disasterous shoot-out) and Taraji P. Henson in their first film together. They would become huge on FOX's EMPIRE (2015 - Present) as a rich music mogul and his scheming wife. Vaughn's friend Jon Favreau and Annabeth Gish (THE X-FILES - 2001-2002) both put in cameos. Based on a graphic novel by Nick Thornborrow and A.J. Lieberman (who wrote the screenplay as "Andy Lieberman"). Hard to believe that this was a WWE production. Highly Recommended.: THE EVIL WITHIN (2016) is one of those films with a troubled production history, but that doesn't mean it is a bad film. Production of the film began in 2002, but was plagued by many delays including: funding issues, conflicts with cast, and a lawsuit from a studio assistant. After many stops and starts to the production, filming was completed in 2008. Director/screenwriter Andrew Getty (The grandson of billionaire Jean Paul Getty) began obsessing over the final edit of the film and spent many years working to perfect it, but he unfortunately died in 2015 (due to a hemorrhaging ulcer caused by his ongoing methamphetamine addiction). before it could be completed. Producer Michael Luceri, who had also assisted with the editing, finished the film. It opens with Dennis (Frederick Koehler, a very familiar face and under-rated actor on TV and films, such as DEATH RACE - 2008 and it's first two DTV sequels - 2010 & 2013, with another one on the way in 2018) narrating his dreams in a very inventive sequence (One where Michael Berryman; [THE HILLS HAVE EYES - 1977] unzips Dennis' back, does something and zips it back up) that will bound to make you rewind the DVD (especially when his mother takes off her sunglasses), ending with him looking in a full length antique mirror. We then see Dennis in real life having a picnic on his birthday with his brother John (Sean Patrick Flanery; DEMON HUNTER - 2005) and John's girlfriend Lydia (Dina Meyer; SAW I, II, III & IV - [2004 - 2007]). It is obvious Dennis is slightly retarded, but when John gives him the mirror from his dreams for his birthday (He tells Dennis he found it in a "Prohibition Vault"), Dennis doesn't want it because it is evil. John tries to talk him out of it, but Dennis screams for him to stop using "fifty cent words". The mirror is actually evil and begins to affect Dennis' dreams. Dennis begins to talk to himself in the mirror and sees things he would rather not see (Like Berryman biting off the tips of his fingers, revealing his fingertip bones and then slitting Dennis' throat). Dennis' reflection talks him into doing many things. like killing the neighbor's cat and putting it in a cooler. (His reflection tells him he is holding a new paint brush!). John become suspicious when he notices that Dennis has VHS tapes (showing its 2002 roots) on taxidermy, forensics and other subjects (later on it changes from VHS tapes to books on tape) Dennis should not be interested in and wonder what Dennis is building in the basement since Dennis was never interested in carpentry (Dennis tells John  he will show him what he is doing in a couple of days). Dennis is watching a documentary on venomous spiders when the narrator says "you fucking retard!" and a giant spider climbs on Dennis and sucks him dry until he is nothing but a shriveled corpse. It was all a dream, of course, until Berryman (Billed as the "Cadaver") tells him through the mirror that he will make all of it stop if he does him a favor: Kill a child. Dennis kills a young boy on a swing and puts him in a freezer chest. He sees himself in the mirror as not being retarded and his non-retarded reflection tells him that all the things he sees in his dreams are being whispered in his ear by him because where he is is very dark. Dennis' reflection tells him as long as he is done what he is told, he can come live where he is and his reflection can come into the real world. His reflection convinces Dennis to become a serial killer and his first intended victim is the girl at the counter of the local ice cream parlor, Susan (Brianna Brown; NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 3D - 2006), who Dennis has a crush on. Dennis scares the shit out of Susan and she runs out into the path of an oncoming car and is killed (The whole scene is very well done and has the feel of a nightmare). Meanwhile John asks Lydia to marry him, but he finds out Lydia may be cheating on him (she isn't). Trying to describe the rest of the film is just like trying to make sense of a nightmare. It is indescribable, but it is also very watchable. Frederick Koehler is a revelation here, managing to make you believe he is both retarded and normal at the same time. This is also one of those films where there is always something going on in the background, so this is not a film you want to put on while vacuuming your living room. This film demands all your attention. In other words, a film that everyone should admire. This is as close to a filmed nightmare as you can get. It doesn't surprise me that director Andrew Getty had a methamphetamine addiction that killed him because this is an extremely frenetic film with visuals that defy description (like Dennis' favorite restaurant, where an anamatronic clown sings and an octopus plays the drums!). John also seems to be having psychiatric problems, as we see him talking to his psychiatrist, Dr. Preston (Francis Guinan) on several occasions (We find out that John pushed "prodigy" Dennis down a flight of stairs when they were children, permanently damaging Dennis' brain), and it has forever bothered him since it happened, making him as dependent on Dennis as Dennis is dependent on him. John and Lydia go through a "Twilight Zone-ish" experience. (There is a strange scene where John and Lydia are at a restaurant and can't get anyone to acknowledge them [Because Dennis killed everyone they know in town!]. John confronts one guy and acts tough, but it turns out to be a giant of a man who looks somewhat like Rhondo Hatton [Matthew McGrory of HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES - 2003 and THE DEVIL'S REJECTS - 2005, who passed away in 2005, once again a reminder of the film's troubled production history]) Unfortunately, Michael Berryman has very few scenes in this film (he is prominently displayed on the DVD Sleeve). But there are a lot of indescribable scenes here (especially what happens to Lydia and the ending, which can politely be said to be insane). If you like films that make you feel creeped out, I can honestly say that this film is the one you should watch. And in case you were wondering: Yes, there is some blood, gore and female nudity, but this film is mostly about the surreal visuals and the nudity is in no way titillating. One of the best DTV films I have seen in a while. Look for Kim Darby (DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK - 1973) in an extended cameo as a Child Protective Services agent with a severe dislike for John.; ARSENAL (2016) "There is nothing a man won't do for his brother." So begins this better than average action flick marked by another over-the-top performance by Nicolas Cage. But it works in this film. Ever since brothers Mikey and J.P. were young, Mikey always looked out for his brother. He had a drunk father and an old grandmother who was good for nothing. One day, Mikey comes home and finds his father has blown half his face off with a shotgun. When J.P. comes to enter the house, Mikey gives J.P. a bunch of quarters to get him away from the house and to do his favorite thing: Go to the arcade and play video games. When Mikey goes to the arcade to pick up J.P. he accidentally spies Eddie King (Cage) killing a guy by putting a baton in his mouth and hitting it with all his might with a baseball bat. Eddie catches Mikey watching him and Mikey promises that he saw nothing, so Eddie lets him go. 23 years pass and J.P. (Adrian Grenier; ENTOURAGE: THE MOVIE - 2015) is the head of a profitable construction firm, while Mikey (Johnathon Schaech; THE CULLING - 2014) has just got out of the Marines on a dishonorable discharge. Mikey is a total mess, divorced with one baby girl. Mikey hits up J.P. for $10,000 to pay for rent and take care of his little girl, but he buys a shitload of cocaine instead ("Why have $10,000 when you can turn it into $20,000." is what he says to J.P. when he finds out what Mikey did thanks to his good friend Sal (John Cusack; DRAGON BLADE - 2015). A duo of masked robbers invade Mikey's house and steal the cocaine, so now Mikey has nothing. The next day, someone with a disguised voice over the phone demands $350,000 in three days for Mikey's return. We find out that Mikey is doing it in cahoots with Eddie (Mikey even has someone beat the shit out of his face to make it look real), while J.P. and Sal look for him. Since they are brothers, J.P. wants to sell his business, but his manager put all the money from the company into building himself a new house. Eddie (who is the disguised voice on the phone) lets Mikey talk to J.P. on the phone and Mikey drops an important clue as to where he is (He had second thoughts about screwing over his brother) and is almost killed trying to get away, so Eddie kidnaps Mikey's ex-wife Alexis (Abbie Gayle) to show he means business. J.P. manages to get the $350,000 (we see his manager wearing a neck brace!) and he also finds out that Eddie King is behind it all. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but J.P. doesn't have that much time to wait for it to freeze, so he picks up a gun and gets down to business. For once, this film has a happy ending. Usually these films end up with some type of tragedy happening, but not here. Director Steven C. Miller (SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE  - 2011; SILENT NIGHT - 2012) makes sure the blood flows fast and freely, Such as when Eddie beats his brother to death by punching his face to a bloody pulp (while a gospel song plays on the radio) and the final shootout is a thing of beauty, especially two scenes (Both in slow-motion): J.P. blowing a guy's face off with a shotgun (better than most horror films) and a bullet going through someone's cheek (you see the bullet exiting his cheek). Screenwriter Jason Mosberg (his first produced screenplay) gives John Cusack very little to do, but everyone else figures importantly in the plot. Who says they don't make good action movies any more? This one hooked me in from the beginning. TRIVIA: Adrian Grenier and Johnathon Schaech both starred in Steven C. Miller's MARAUDERS (2016), one of Bruce Willis' first DTV films..; Speaking of Willis, I applaud HBO for showing director M. Night Shyamalan's UNBREAKABLE (2000) before premiering Shyamalan's latest hit (one of the biggest grossing films per dollar spent in 2017) SPLIT (2016). By HBO doing this, it shows that both films are intricately linked, or like they say nowadays  "exist in the same universe". You may have missed the connection when watching the film, but I guarantee you won't miss it by the film's final shot (both films end with the same line of dialogue and some scenes ape the 2000 film.) in which a surprise visit will shock you. That is Shyamalan for you, always throwing a twist into his films. He was getting a bad rep until he started making low-budget films on his own terms (This one for the notorious BlumHouse Productions, made for $9 million) and especially the goosebump-raising THE VISIT (2015), made for as measly $5 million and getting praise by nearly every critic (including me). Germophobe Dennis (a wonderful James McAvoy; WANTED - 2008) kidnaps three girls in their car in a store parking lot after killing one of the girl's father and locks them in a room behind the zoo he works at. The women Claire Benoit (Haley Lu Richardson), Marcia (Jessica Sula) and especially Casey Cooke (Anya Taylor-Joy), who has a history of mental and sexual abuse in her childhood (as a young girl, she is raped by her brutish Uncle John [Brad William Henke] when her cheerful father [Sebastian Arcelus] dies at a young age. Like in UNBREAKABLE, Casey points a gun at creepy Uncle John, but doesn't pull the trigger). Dennis has multiple personality disorder and has 23 different identities (we only see 8 in this film), but he tells his psychiatrist Dr. Karen Fletcher (Betty Buckley, who is simply amazing) that a 24th personality is about to show itself, known as "The Beast", a muscular creature that is able to climb walls. Dr. Fletcher finds all of this unbelievable, because no person can change their appearance that much (Dennis is very thin) and no one can climb walls. He makes plenty of unscheduled appearances at Dr. Fletcher's office misleading her by saying he is not Dennis (He is, because only Dennis uses a yellow cloth to clean the germs off chairs and tables) and harping on the fact that The Beast is coming. Casey knows how to deal with personalities like his and he really does nothing to the girls (he does rape Marcia, and that is a traumatic event) to mentally hurt them. Casey builds up Dennis' respect for her (and she spots folders of all his personalities on his computer, telling him on how to act like that personality (Is it possible he is a fake?). Casey escapes and she ends up with Dr. Fletcher, but Dennis does actually turn into the muscular Beast, climbing the walls and squeezing Dr. Fletcher to death in a deadly bear hug, while Casey frees the other two girls. We then see the girls sitting at a diner counter when one of the girls says that Dennis had some really freaky names (such as Hedwig), like that person who caused the train wreck a few weeks ago. She can't remember the name, so the man sitting next to her, David Dunn (Bruce Willis) says simply "Mr. Glass." Dennis is now at a crossroads in his life , realizing that he can change his body with his mind, making him invincible. We don't know where Shyamalan is going with this film for half its running time, but he then springs two surprises on us: The Beast and David Dunn from UNBREAKABLE. As a matter of fact, Shyamalan is now directing a film called GLASS (the advance poster is a thing of beauty) for release in 2019, starring Willis, McAvoy, Taylor-Joy and Samuel L. Jackson as the imprisoned Mr. Glass. This promises to be one hell of a mash-up and I am so happy that Shyamalan is once again getting the respect he deserved. See this film and try to spot how many parallels you can make out between this and from the 2000 film. My highest recommendation.

Good DTV Genre Films Part 18 (continued): MARAUDERS (2016) is from the same studio and director that gave us ARSENAL (2016; see above) and I am happy to report is is a bloody good time. The film opens up with four high-tech robbers entering a branch of the Hubert Bank and shotgunning its manager while stealing over 3 million dollars in cash. The bandits leave a bomb, telling the bank customers that they will detonate it if they move within 15 minutes. The bomb proves to be a fake, but it has the fingerprint of a dead criminal, T.J. Jackson (Texas Battle; BOGGY CREEK - 2010), on it. This case proves to be a turf war between F.B.I. Special Agent Montgomery (Christopher Meloni, who uses a lot of foul language, probably to make up for all the times he couldn't use it on LAW & ORDER: SVU) and dirty Cincinatti Detective Mims (Johnathon Schaech), whose wife is bedridden and dying of pancreatic cancer. Somehow bank owner and president Mr. Hubert (Bruce Willis, in what amounts to an extended cameo) is responsible for the robbers (who wear metal skull masks and speak in electronic voices) for doing what they do. It seems more like revenge rather than robbery. F.B.I. Agent Wells (Adrian Grenier), who is new to Montgomery's team (which includes Dave Bautista as Agent Stockwell and Lydia Hull as Agent Chase) also looks like he knows more than he is telling and leaks stories to news reporter Vanessa Adler (Tara Holt). The thieves continue to rob branches of Hubert's banks, one time stealing something out of a security deposit box and shooting the guard dead. The boss of the robbers contacts Montgomery via laptop at his home and tells Montgomery that those who died deserved it (at the second robbery, the boss of the robbers stabs a seemingly innocent man graphically in the throat outside the bank. What possibly could they all have in common?). When Montgomery meets Hubert at his branch office, the robbers strike again and Montgomery kills one of them and gets in a tense Mexican standoff with the other three. Montgomery says to take the money and go, just don't kill anyone else (Another bank guard is shot in the head.). It looks like Mims and Montgomery have something in common. Montgomery blames Mims for getting his wife killed ("My wife had her eyes cut out of her head while still alive" is what Montgomery says. His wife was an undercover DEA agent whose cover was blown and Mims nearly got the person who did it (T.J. Jackson) off of the charges when he lied on the stand during the trial.). All of the plot points are resolved during the finale and it doesn't end the way we think it will. I won't say anything more, except director Steven C. Miller (AUTOMATON TRANSFUSION - 2006; SILENT NIGHT - 2012; UNDER THE BED - 2013 and the previously mentioned ARSENAL) tosses in double and triple crosses, surprise reveals of people who are not what they pretend to be (one that I guessed from the start), lots of bloody shootouts and gory deaths and some genuine human emotions you usually don't see in films of this type. This may be Bruce Willis' first DTV film, but it is far from something to be ashamed of. I think Miller is a director to watch for in the future.;  THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (2016) is what a horror film should be: scary, atmospheric and , most of all, engaging. I really don't understand why such a horrifying film only gets a limited theatrical release while PG-13 rated crap plays for weeks. This film opens with the police at the scene of a mass murder in Virginia at a family home. Everyone who lived in the home is brutally murdered (Lieutenant Wade [Jane Perry] makes the observation "It doesn't look like a break-in, but rather the family was trying to break out"). Sheriff Burke (Michael McElhatton) is called down to the basement where the corpse of a naked woman is found partially buried. She is classified as a Jane Doe since she is naked and has no identification. The body is taken to the home/mortuary of Tom (The fantastic Brian Cox; TRICK 'R TREAT - 2007; RED - 2008) and his son/assistant Austin (Emile Hirsch; THE DARKEST HOUR - 2011) where Austin notices Jane Doe's (played by Olwen Kelly) eyes are clouded gray. They also notice that rigor has not taken place in her body and her wrists and ankles were broken, like she was tortured. They also discover that her tongue has been ripped out and there is peat under her fingernails and toe nails. Tom is perplexed since peat is not found in Virginia, but it is found further up north. They both think she was the victim of a serial killer, but they will soon learn that is not the case. Tom opens up Jane Doe's chest and blood comes pouring out, like she was still alive. Tom assures his son that he has seen this happen before (It happens due to gasses dead bodies produce, from pressure that builds up and then the skin is punctured). After opening her chest and using the rib spreader, Tom begins his internal autopsy. Jane Doe's lungs are burned beyond recognition, but that would be impossible since no other external or internal parts are burned. When Tom opens her stomach, he finds an undigested poisonous plant and a piece of cloth with the Roman numerals XXVII and a ritualistic pentagram on it. Then things start to get weird. There is a big thunderstorm outside and the power goes out, while the radio plays the song "Open Up Your Heart" (by The Hamblens) all by itself. The generator kicks in and Tom peels back her chest skin and discovers the same ritualistic symbol found on the cloth is tattooed inside her skin. How can that be? Austin discovers that if he folds the cloth a certain way it spells out the word "Leviticus". Tom immediately knows that it is from the Bible, so he looks up Leviticus 27, where it mentions the word "witch". (Tom was previously working on a body of an old man who had a bell tied around his ankle just in case he was still alive, so everyone could hear it ring.) Tom is attacked by something supernatural so he and Austin head for the elevator where they hear the bell ringing. Tom grabs an axe and buries it in what he thinks is the old man, but it turns out he murders Austin's girlfriend Emma (Ophelia Lovibond), who was supposed to meet Austin at 11:00 pm to go to a midnight movie. Knowing that they are dealing with a witch, Austin pours flammable liquid over Jane Doe's body and Tom lights up a matchbook and tosses it on her body. The flames rise so high that it sets the entire room on fire, so Tom whips out a fire extinguisher and puts the fire out, only to discover Jane Doe is not burned at all. Austin opens her skull with a bone saw, takes a piece of her brain and discovers the brain cells are still alive. Tom makes the ultimate sacrifice for his son (a really effective scene) after discovering that Jane Doe was a witch from 16th centurty Salem, only to have Austin killed, too, in a fall by trying to open the cellar door that will lead him outside. The police arrive at the house/mortuary the next morning (turns out there was no rain for four days) and they take away Tom, Austin and Emma's bodies. Jane Doe gets her own ambulance and when the driver is taking her body for another autopsy (Her body looks like it was never touched), the radio starts playing "Open Up Your Heart". It looks like the ambulance driver is going to be Jane Doe's next victim. I really can't describe how scary this film is, from a fly buzzing out of Jane Doe's bloody nose, a refrigerated cold storage door that keeps on opening by itself, to the hallways being filled with smoke from Tom's dead cat Sydney (It was the only thing left to remind Tom of his dead wife), which he throws into a furnace. Director André Øvredal (TROLLHUNTER - 2010)  has made a film that should not be seen alone with the lights out. Ian Goldberg & Richard Naing's screenplay keeps you guessing all the way. Olwen Kelly is brave to be shown totally naked on the autopsy table and the autopsy looks just like a real one (There are a lot of real scares in this film that I haven't even touched on and this may be my favorite horror film of 2016). My highest recommendation.; FENDER BENDER (2016) is one of those exceptional films made for the soon-to-be defunct Chiller Channel (it will no longer exist on New Years Day 2018). The film opens with a women entering her house, talking on her cell phone, telling her friend that she just had an accident with her car but it was just a fender bender. She says she doesn't want to go out that night. All she wants to do is go to sleep. She climbs into bed, only to discover that a person dressed all in black leather and a weird black mask is lying next to her. He stabs her in the throat and she is dead. Turns out he is a serial killer known as The Driver (Bill Sage; WE ARE WHAT WE ARE - 2013) and we next see him dressed in street clothes buying gas for his car. He spends a weird amount of money for the gas and lays it out on the counter, including coins. We then switch to teenage ballerina Hilary (Makenzie Vega; SAW - 2004) sitting in her car crying and  talking to friend Rachel (Dre Davis; PRETTY LITTLE LIARS - 2010-2017) while in her mother's new car, watching her boyfriend Andy (Harrison Sim) cheat on her. Rachel wants her to confront him, but she is too late. Erik sees her behind the wheel of the car and wants to explain, but a crying Hilary drives away, saying they are through. She stops at a suburban intersection to wipe away the tears, only to be rear-ended by The Driver. They exchange names, insurance information and phone numbers and Hilary takes photos of the damage to both cars and of The Driver on her phone for insurance purposes. When Mom and Dad see the damage to mom's new car, they ground her and say that she is forbidden to go to a ballerina concert that she was looking forward to with her mother. Mom and Dad head out to the concert without Hilary and Dad says to contact the insurance company to report the damage ("It's the least you can do for your mother!"). Hilary does that and gives her insurance agent all the information given to her by The Driver. The serial killer then begins to text her, saying how sorry he was for hitting her car (He is using all the information Hilary gave him to his advantage, including her address.). Rachel and gay friend Erik (Steven Kelsey Leos Montoya) pay a surprise visit to Hilary to show that they are real friends and support her decision for dumping Andy for cheating on her. They order a pizza and find it lying next to the front door. Rachel and Erik eat the pizza and Andy (who is drunk) knocks on the front door, demanding that Hilary takes him back, but she pushes him out of the front door and slams it shut. She gets a frightening phone call from the insurance agent, who tells her that the information she provided about The Driver is that of a woman who was murdered the night before (The woman we saw in the beginning of the film). Hilary immediately gets worried when the leather-bound The Driver enters the house and murders Rachel and Erik by slitting their throats (They can't get away from him because the pizza was drugged and he also murdered Andy). He turns his attention to Hilary, but she proves to be a difficult catch (probably due to her ballerina training). She whacks The Driver on the head several times with a tire iron in her garage and then pours a jug of gasoline all over his black leather outfit. She tries to set him on fire by striking a match, but he gets up before she has time to throw it at him. In the film's most tense scene, Hilary hits him in the head a few more times and enters The Driver's car and pushes the lighter in his 70's car down to charge it (Remember those cigarette lighters next to the ashtray in older cars?). The suspense builds (it is palpable) while Hilary waits for the lighter to pop-up while The Driver makes it to his feet and begins to approach the car. The lighter finally pops-up and she throws it at The Driver and he is set aflame. He manages to put out the fire by rolling around in a puddle, but he is either dead or unconscious. Hilary cautiously approaches The Driver's body because she sees that he has her phone (which also contains his image from the accident. She goes into her house after seeing all of her friend's bodies posed in peculiar ways. The Driver meets her in the house and stabs her dead, removes his leather gear (and also protective headgear under the mask, which is why he could take hits to the head with a tire iron) and takes a shower. He then goes through Hilary's pocketbook and takes all the money in her wallet (including the coins). He drives to a gas station (his car now has the license plates of Mom's new car (It reads "DNCEMOM") and buys an amount of gas that is the exact amount of money he took from Hilary's wallet. He puts the money on the gas station's counter, including the coins (Now we know why he did such a strange thing in the beginning of the film). In this film, the bad guy wins and all the innocent ones die. Bill Sage is completely frightening inside his leather costume and out of it. His first encounter with Hilary is a really tense moment and you don't know what is going to happen when she takes his picture, but you do know that he is her next victim. This was the first directing effort by Mark Pavia in 19 years, his last film being 1997's THE NIGHT FLIER, based on a Stephen King story. While it contains no nudity and very little foul language, it does have its fair share of gory moments, especially when The Driver stabs Erik in the neck and the blood squirts like a water fountain. While no reason is given why The Driver does what he does (the inside of his car's hood is full of the driver licences of his victims and there are about of 100 of them, with Hilary's being the newest) there is plenty of edge of your seat suspense, especially the sequence of Hilary pressing the car's cigarette lighter and discovering the drivers licences over her head. While nothing spectacular, this is a smart little slasher film that hits all the right notes. You really don't get that too often.; I really didn't initially know what to think of IT STAINS THE SAND RED (2016), another zombie film, but its outrageous ideas and situations won me over. It was directed by Colin Minihan, one half of "The Vicious Brothers", who gave us the boring found footage film GRAVE ENCOUNTERS (2011), but partner Stuart Ortiz co-wrote the twisty screenplay with Minihan (they both also co-produced this), turning this film into a refreshing new take on the zombie genre. It opens with coked-out and vodka-soused stripper Molly (Brittany Allen; JIGSAW - 2017, who is terrific here) driving in the Nevada desert, heading for Las Vegas via Porsche with her gangster boyfriend Nick (Merwin Mondesir). Too much vodka forces Nick to pull over to the side of the road so Molly can throw up, but when she gets back in, Nick finds his expensive car is stuck hopelessly in the sand (Porsches have real-wheel drive). They see a person walking in the middle of the road and it turns out to be a zombie (Juan Riedinger, who is also great), so Nick runs to his car, pulls out a Glock and begins shooting at him. Even a bullet in the head doesn't stop him, so Nick and Molly hide out in the car. The zombie is relentless and doesn't stop trying to get into the car until well into the night. Nick dropped his phone outside the car, so when the zombie disappears, he goes outside to get it, only to become the next meal. While the zombie is chowing down on Nick's intestines, Molly runs out into the desert to get away, only to find out zombies do not get tired like normal humans. Trapped on a rock, she feeds the zombie, who she has named "Smalls" (for "Small Dick"). her bloody tampon (!) to satiate his thirst for blood, giving her time to escape. The zombie continues following her, so she begins to talk to him like a normal person and will soon find out that a zombie is the least of her problems. A sandstorm appears, trapping Molly and Smalls in it and when it ends, she discovers a pickup truck parked on the side of a road containing two men. Molly soon finds out that these men are actually the people Nick was supposed to meet at an airport on the outskirts of Vegas and one of them begins raping her in the bed of the pickup. But Smalls rises from the sand and saves Molly's ass, chewing on the rapist's neck, while the other one drives away in fear. Molly also discovers that Smalls is not the only zombie, as one of the men tells her it is a different world now. Smalls actually becomes Molly's deadly friend and she tries to protect him from a military Hummer platoon sent to kill all the zombies (She uses Smalls as a means to carry her supply of Vodka and cocaine buy putting a car tire around him and tying a rope to the tire so he can pull a rubber raft with her supplies!). Two Army men want to kill Smalls but Molly intervenes, standing in front of the zombie and trying to talk them into not shooting him. She is partially successful (one of the Army men shoots Smalls in the leg as he is getting back in the Humvee), but Smalls bites her finger. Fearing she is infected, she chops off her finger by slamming a sharp rock on it until she no longer has it. Smalls can no longer walk, so Molly does the human thing and crushes Small's head in with a boulder! It turn out Molly has a young son and she will do anything to get back to him. She walks the 30 miles to the airport, where Molly's contact refuses to take her to her son (he takes off in a plane without her). Molly finds a working car, but not before she has to deal with a couple of zombies (She uses a portable drill on one zombie's head). She drives to pick up her son, only to discover that the neighborhood is in shambles. Is her son alive? You'll have to watch the film to find out. I have to say it was hard to see Smalls get killed. He kind of reminded me of "Bub" in George Romero's DAY OF THE DEAD (1985) in his mannerisms and actions. While not a complete gorefest, it does get bloody at times, especially during the zombie attack scenes (Effects done by Ryan Nicholson of GUTTERBALLS [2008] and COLLAR [2014] fame), which is why this film was released Unrated. But this film is more interested in the human angle, as we witness what is most important to Molly in the beginning of the film: her cocaine and vodka. She risks her life to retrieve a bottle of Vodka and yells at Smalls when he interrupts her snorting coke and spilling it all over the sand. It is not until she begins to look at Smalls as something other than a zombie that she begins to think about her son. He bring out the true Molly, not as a coked-out stripper, but as a mother. Director Minihan (EXTRATERRESTRIAL - 2014; also featuring Brittany Allen, but not near as good as this film) does a nice job on turning the zombie genre on its head and giving us an emotional film that should resonate with viewers. It is also left wide open for a sequel. Worth checking out.

Good DTV Genre Films Part 19 (continued): Call me a masochist. Call me a fool. Or just call me insane, but I highly enjoyed SyFy's original film THE SANDMAN (2017). Even though it was Executive Produced by Stan Lee, there is nary a superhero in sight. This is pure horror. The film opens with Claire's (Haylie Duff; FEAR ISLAND - 2009) criminal brother being killed by a strange creature that seems to eminate from his daughter Madison's (Shae Smolik) mind. The police interrogate Claire and there is a strange man in the room, Doctor Valentine (Tobin Bell, who seems to be under contract with SyFy, as he has appeared in many of their original films; FINDERS KEEPERS - 2014, as well as a new SAW film JIGSAW - 2017), who seems to know more about Madison than he cares to share with anyone. Madison goes to live with Claire and her boyfriend Wyatt (Shaun Sipos; THE REMAINING - 2014) and almost immediately, Claire starts noticing that Madison has bruises on her wrists when she screams out while she sleeps. The nasty neighbor across the street says that he called Child Protective Service on Claire because he thinks she is abusing Madison, thanks to TV news coverage and he is the next one to be killed by the Sandman in his car in the garage. The police determine the cause is carbon monoxide poisoning due to a defective garage door, but Dr. Valentine is at the scene, too. A woman from CPS comes to Claire's house and wants to take custody of Madison away from Claire, but she says no. The CPS lady says she will return with law enforcement to make sure she can take charge of her, but notices that Claire and Wyatt are walking into the garage, so she illegally enters the house and goes to Madison's bedroom. She doesn't want to go with her, so she makes the Sandman appear and Claire and Wyatt hear the CPS lady's screams. They both soon become believers when they see the Sandman turn the lady to dust. Both Claire and Wyatt take different steps to resolve the problem. Wyatt tries to kill Madison, but soon feels the Sandman's deadly wrath, while Claire contacts a hypnotherapist, Dr. Amanda Elliott (Amanda Wyss; A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET - 1984) who says she can cure Madison. She hypnotises Madison and tells her to bring the Sandman to life and to grab and hold him. She does that and the Sandman seems to disappear. Seems to. Dr. Elliott gets ta cough and takes a drink of water. She drops the glass and nothing but sand falls out of it. The Doctor falls back on the chair and the Sandman bursts from her stomach, so Claire and Madison run away. Madison is captured  by Dr. Valentine and put in a high tech windowed cell that is impossible to escape from. Unless you are the Sandman. The creature breaks open the door to the cell and kills all of Dr. Valentine's high-tech solders, when Dr Valentine's boss says he is not interested in advancing any further with Madison and try to kill her with poison gas. (The Sandman squeezes one guy in a poison gas protection suit on his head until it is nothing but a bloody pulp. Dr. Valentine tells Claire and Madison to take his car and get the hell out of there before he dies (although we never see him die) and that is just what they do. It seems that Madison has telekenitic powers, too, as she can move objects just by waving her arms, as the Sandman chases them into a warehouse. Madison tries to stop him by using her powers to drop the ceiling on him, but he just pops-up and continues the chase. Just like in the original THE THING (FROM ANOTHER WORLD) - 1951, Madison and Claire electrocute the Sandman and he burns to death, this time for good. This film is better than it has any right to be. It seems a lot horror films today deal with children who are either possessed or have special powers, but Shae Smolik does a good job as Madison. Director/writer/co-producer Peter Sullivan (OMINOUS - 2015) keeps the film moving at a fast clip and for once, the Sandman is not a CGI creation, but an actual man (Mick Ignis) in a monster suit and it is pretty effective. What CGI this film does have is much better than SyFy standards and there is plenty of blood and unusual deaths to go around for 5 films. I usually don't say this, but SyFy has finally released a winner!; THE END? (2017) is an Italian zombie film with a difference, as it doesn't adhere to standard zombie conventions. It is basically a one person film, capably handled by Alessandro Roja as Claudio Verona, a businessman who is quite unlikable at the beginning, ignoring his chauffeur's questions and trying to continue an affair with a fellow businesswoman on an elevator. But things suddenly change as soon as that woman exits the elevator. Claudio finds himself trapped in the elevator between the sixth and seventh floors as something quite deadly happens all around him. People are turning into flesh-eating zombie-like creatures (the fast-moving kind) and all of Rome is affected. Director/co-screenwriter Daniele Misischia only gives us hints of what is happening by way of phone calls and internet sites on Claudio's cell phone, as Claudio tries to get out of the elevator. He is only able to open the doors of the elevator about eight inches, not enough for him to get out or anybody to get in, but enough for him to get an idea what is going on, as he sees his fellow employees turning into flesh-eating creatures and killing other fellow employees. Daniele Misischia and, especially, Alessandro Roja turns Claudio into a person we begin to care about, as he befriends a policeman named Marcello (Claudio Camilli), who helps him understand what is going on and brings out the human side of Claudio. Filled with bloody deaths, but surprisingly sparse gore, this film is remarkable for the way it holds your attention since the main set is the confines of a small elevator. It also doesn't end the way you would expect it would. I wholeheartedly recommend you watch this film. And I thought Italian horror was dead! I would like to see what Daniele Misischia does next.; TRENCH 11 (2017) is a dandy horror film with much to recommend, as long as you are not claustrophobic. This may sound like a "Nazi scientist creates something sinister" type of film, but it is different enough to recommend. During the end of World War One, a British Intelligence Unit discovers a series of underground tunnels that go miles under the ground, all made by the Germans close to the Front Line. A strict Maj. Jennings (Ted Atherton)  has no other choice but to use American soldiers as protection (his distaste for Americans is quite obvious) and a shellshocked Canadian "tunneler" and demolitions expert named Lt. Berton (Rossif Sutherland), who just survived twelve days underground in a tunnel cave-in, as a guide to collect any information they can find in the tunnels, which is believed to be a laboratory for an evil German scientist named Reiner (Robert Stadlober), who is known as "The Prophet". As they make their way into the tunnels, they discover that they are not alone, as there are some disfigured German soldiers there, who seem to be on one mission, to kill everyone they come in contact with. The Germans have also sent a squad of soldiers, led by Kapitan Müller (Shaun Benson), to accompany Reiner back to the tunnels to blow up the laboratory and everything inside it, something they tried to do before they retreated, but somehow it failed. Long story short, nearly everyone is killed, some by the mutated soldiers, who have worm-like parasites inside their bodies and brains, which turns them violent, and some by Reiner himself, who we find out returned there to continue his experiments (Even the German military is scared of him). The only ones left alive are Reiner, Kapitan Müller and Lt. Berton. Müller and Berton join forces to blow-up the tunnel system, because even Müller is tired of Reiner's methods. While this all sounds pat, I am here to tell you it is anything but, as there is plenty of graphic violence (one scared German soldier begs an American soldier to shoot him in the head, which he does!), cringe-worthy practical effects (the worm parasites are appropriately disgusting) and tense situations. Director/co-screenwriter Leo Scherman has a definite grasp of the material and the tunnels come across as extremely tight (hence the claustrophobic comment). The film moves at a quick pace and doesn't give you time to think about some of the plot holes. Both Robert Stadlober and Rossif Sutherland (who reminded me of Vincent D'Onofrio in his acting and mannerisms) turn in good performances and Ted Atherton is bound to get on your nerves as Maj. Jennings, but he is supposed to, as he has a single mindset to complete his mission, no matter how many lives are lost. This Canadian flick hits all the right notes and should be a cult item in the years to come (I finally am in synch with a blurb on the DVD sleeve!). See for yourself. Available streaming on Amazon Prime or you can buy the DVD on Amazon from Image Entertainment. This actually got a limited theatrical run in Canada.; BRAWL IN CELL BLOCK 99 (2017) is one of the most brutal films I have ever seen and I guarantee you will never look at Vince Vaughn the same way again. Vaughn (TERM LIFE - 2016) stars as Bradley Thomas (Do not call him "Brad", he doesn't like it!) and he is about to have a very bad day. He loses his job at a garage and also discovers that his wife, Lauren (Jennifer Carpenter; DEXTER - 2006-2013) is cheating on him. After tearing Lauren's car apart with his bare hands (Vaughn put fifteen pounds of muscle on his frame and took boxing lessons before appearing in this film), he sits down with Lauren to discuss their marriage, which we learn hasn't been good ever since Lauren had a miscarriage and lost their baby. They decide to give their marriage another chance and Bradley takes a "temporary" job with his friend Gil (Marc Blucas; THR3E - 2006) to deliver drugs for him. Eighteen months pass and we see that Lauren is pregnant and her marriage to Bradley is going swimmingly, yet he is still working for Gil delivering and picking up drugs. As a matter of fact, Bradley is Gil's number one guy, so he asks Bradley to help him on a "big" deal. It seems Gil is going into business with a South American drug lord named Eleazar (Dion Mucciacito) and he wants Gil to help pick up a huge shipment of heroin, but there is one caveat: Eleazar brought along two lackeys, whom he insists go along with Gil to pick up the drugs. One of the lackeys, the hulking Roman (Geno Segers), is using, so Bradley doesn't trust him and refuses to pick up the drugs. Gil convinces him to go (he gives Bradley three months off when Lauren has the baby), but Bradley makes one thing clear to everyone: He is the boss on this pickup, no questions asked. As you can guess, something goes very wrong on the pickup, as the two lackeys get into a shootout with the police. Bradley has no choice but to kill the lackeys (well, at least one of them) when they start killing cops. Bradley is arrested and he tells Detective Watkins (Clark Johnson; TV's HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREETS - 1993-1999; in a cameo) that he knows what he did was wrong, but he is not going to give him any names, he will plead guilty and do his time (Bradley is a straight-up guy). After telling Lauren not to come to prison to visit him and especially not when their baby is born (They know it is going to be a girl and Bradley doesn't want her to see him in prison, as it will not make a good first impression), Bradley is sentenced to seven years at a medium-security prison, but he will not stay there very long, While he is there, he gets a visit from the "Placid Man" (a terrific Udo Kier; MARK OF THE DEVIL - 1970), who tells Bradley that he works for Eleazar and they have kidnapped Lauren (he shows him a picture of a tied-up Lauren on his phone). He also tells Bradley that the failed drug deal cost Eleazar $3,500,000 and if he doesnt pay it back, a Korean doctor, who is proficient at cutting off an unborn baby's limbs and still have it live, will do it to his baby unless he finds a way to get transferred to Redleaf Maximum Security Prison and kill an inmate called "Christopher Knight", who is in cellblock 99. If he kills this man, his debt will be clear and Lauren will be released unharmed. Now I'm not going to tell you how he gets himself transferred, but I will say that it is as brutal and violent as you will ever witness in a film and it only gets worse as the film progresses, culminating in a very gory and unbelievably violent conclusion, the likes of which will leave your jaw scraping the floor. This is grim, brutal stuff ("Brutal" is the only word I can come up with to properly describe this film), as director/screenwriter S. Craig Zahler (BONE TOMAHAWK - 2015; another extremely violent film which I have yet to review, but I will shortly) fills the screen with gory violence and really tense situations. What I found remarkable here, besides Vince Vaughn's excellent performance, is Redleaf's Warden Tuggs is played by a nearly unrecognizable Don Johnson, who turns in an exceptional performance as a man who takes no bullshit from anyone, telling Bradley not to think of this as a maximum security prison, but rather as "minimal freedom" prison. And he couldn't be more correct, as Bradley is fitted with a shock belt that delivers jolt after jolt of electricity to his body as punishment for breaking some prisoners' and guards' bones. It turns out Christopher Knight doesn't exist and it was merely an excuse to get Bradley in this prison, where a convicted Eleazar and Roman want him dead. The finale will make you hit the rewind button several times to make sure you saw what you just saw. This may be the best film that never got a theatrical release in the United States (well, it got a limited theatrical release while being released directly to VOD). It is 132 minutes of pure hell (Vaughn has a shaved head with a huge crucifix tattooed on the back of his cranium, making him look like a skinhead, but that couldn't be further from the truth, as he is a fair man that is just pushed too far.) and the fight scenes are very realistic, Vaughn doing all of his own stunts and doing them with pinache. I doubt you will see a film this violent for years to come, so I recommend you become an Amazon Prime member or buy the Blu-Ray. This is a film you will want to see if ultraviolent, extremely gory scenes don't bother you (especially Eleazar's death!). I think I found a new film to put on my Top 20 List! S. Craig Zahler's next film was DRAGGED ACROSS CONCRETE (2018; it is an appropriate description on how one of Eleazar's goons gets killed in prison!), starring many of the same actors in this film. Look for a review soon.; I liked THE UNWILLING (2017) a little more than most people due to the characters, which are more true-to-life than most modern horror films. That's not to say the film doesn't have its share of problems, but, for me, the positives outweigh the negatives. When the elderly Mr. Harris (Lance Henriksen; HARBINGER DOWN - 2015) lies dying in his hospital bed, a mysterious man, claiming to be Mr. Harris' lawyer (Charles Gorgano), delivers a strange-looking black box to his hospital room and then disappears. Mr. Harris suddenly wakes up, touches the box and then touches his nurse (Levy Tran), turning her into a possessed demon, who then kills herself (by slicing her own throat). Mr. Harris then dies. We are then introduced to Mr. Harris' relatives, as they travel to the house of his OCD-riddled son David (an excellent David Lipper; LOST AFTER DARK - 2014), who must do everything three times before he is satisfied. Besides David, there's daughter Michelle (Dina Meyer; THE EVIL WITHIN - 2016), who's is obsessed with looking beautiful as she grows older (letting us see how limber she is by performing an eye-opening yoga scene); good girl niece Kelly Davis (Austin Highsmith) and drug addict nephew Darren Davis (Jake Thomas; THE CELL - 2000), who just missed scoring with his dealer and will soon go through withdrawal. Also at the reading of the will is Michelle's ex-husband Rich Lamplin (Robert Rusler; SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK - 1991), a money-hungry financier who made Mr. Harris a lot of money, who brings along his very young fiancee Cheryl Cates (Bree Williamson), just to make Michelle jealous. As they all arrive at David's house, the doorbell rings and when David opens the door (three times), no one is there, just a package sitting there. When the package is opened, they all discover the strange black box inside, but there are no seams or obvious ways of opening it. When Darren tries to open it, six needles suddenly protrude from the top of the box, Darren pricking his finger. Now this is the part I find hard to believe. Rich says the six needles represent the six of them at the reading of the will, so he talks everyone into pricking their finger on one of the needles (like some DNA test!), hoping the the box will open, which they all do! When they do, a drawer in the box opens, revealing a solid bar of gold. Rich picks it up and is extremely excited, saying the bar of gold could be worth millions, but the bar suddlenly turns very hot, burning Rich's hand, forcing him to drop it. It is obvious the Rich is now possessed by some unseen demon(s), as he begins acting strange, trying to rape Michelle as she is taking a shower, forcing her to stab him in the neck with scissors, killing him. It turns out the box gives you not only what you want, but what you need, but it comes with deadly consequences. Michelle is the next to suffer (a small opening in the box reveals a mirror), as the bar of gold dissolves, possessing the wall mirror above it to give Michelle a good look at her younger self. When Michelle gets too close to the mirror, something pulls her inside it, trapping her forever in the demon's world. The box then gives Darren some of his favorite drug of choice, so he steals Michelle's car and tries to drive away, but he always ends up at David's house, no matter what direction he travels in. Since David has a severe case of OCD (he hasn't stepped out of his house in over ten years), the demons have a very hard time tempting him, trying to get him to step outside with no success. Will they succeed? You'll have to watch the film to find out. Capably directed by Jonathan Heap (GREENMAIL - 2001), with just the right amount of humor mixed in with some extreme bloodletting. Lance Henriksen's role is nothing but a glorified cameo, making an appearance in the beginning and the end of the film to give David some important information about the box and how to defeat it. This is not a great film by any means, but it is an enjoyable one for those who like their horror films with a little meat on its bones. You can see it for free on Amazon Prime if you are a Prime member. Originally released in 2016 to some film festivals, the film was reworked somewhat after that and now carries a 2017 production date during the end credits.

Good DTV Genre Films Part 20 (continued): One of the best horror films of 2018 is HEREDITARY, a nearly indescribable mash-up of supernatural horror and family drama. It also contains some of the most brutal deaths I have seen in a modern-day horror film, five-star performances from everyone in the cast, some weird photography tricks that had me rewinding the film to make sure I saw it correctly, as well as the ugliest child actress I have ever laid eyes on! The film begins with the funeral of the estranged mother of Annie Graham (an exceptional Toni Collette; THE SIXTH SENSE - 1999), where Annie's entire family, which includes husband Steve (Gabriel Byrne; END OF DAYS - 1999), teenage son Peter (a fantastic Alex Wolff; MY FRIEND DAHMER - 2017) and not-quite-right young daughter Charlie (Newcomer Millie Shapiro, who is, to put it simply, hard on the eyes. What's up with her nose???), mourn the passing of Annie's mother, each in their own unusual way. It's quite obvious that Annie doesn't love son Peter as much as she does Charlie (it's explained why in an incredibly hurtful line of dialogue spoken by Annie), but there's something much worse on the horizon. Is it possible that Annie's mother was a witch and she has plans for Peter, even though she's dead? Annie makes a living by creating realistic miniature dioramas, which she fashions down to the most minute of details (check out the opening of the film to see how realistic her dioramas are), which she then displays and sells at at art galleries, She spends more time on them than with her children and we can see it affects them greatly. Peter wants to go to a party with his friends, but Mom makes him take Charlie along. He leaves Charlie alone at the party while he goes off to smoke some pot with a girl he likes, but when Charlie has a piece of chocolate cake, she has some type of allergic reation and cannot catch her breath. Peter puts her in the car and races to the hospital, but before he gets there, he nearly hits a dog laying in the middle of the road and is forced to swerve off the road, the same time Charlie has her head out the window trying to catch her breath. In an unbelievably brutal scene, Charlie is decapitated at the jawline when her head is smashed against a telephone pole (!). So what does Peter do? Well, he simply drives home and goes to bed (he's in a state of shock). The next morning, we hear Annie scream when she discovers her daughter's headless body in the car. The fact is that we never see her do it, as the scene is played specifically on Peter's face when his mother's screams wake him up, is one of the film's most telling scenes. This film is full of these kind of scenes, which makes it all the more remarkable. While the acting is way above average, it's the direction and photography that got my attention. Directed with a sense of urgency by Ari Aster, whose only other directorial credits are a handful of short films, this is unlike any horror film that came before it and is bound to spawn a bunch of imitators, which couldn't possibly match this film's sense of style. Let me talk about this film's style for a minute: The photography (by Pawel Pogorzelski) plays with light the like I have never seen before, so much so, that I found myself stopping the film, rewinding it and making sure I saw what I saw. Every time there is a trick of the light, something awful and violent happens. The entire film is like living an alternate life in a dream. I really didn't know what to expect, but I found myself jumping out of my seat more than a couple of times. Movies never do that to me, but this one did. That's a testament to this film's effectiveness. I've only revealed 10% of what happens in this film, so be prepared for some major shocks and chills. Let me end this review with this: HEREDITARY is my favorite new film of 2018 and that includes all genres, not just horror. It's guaranteed to put you in a hypnotic trance and plays with your emotions like no other film that came before it. I can't wait to see what Ari Aster does next! A big thumbs-up to everyone involved with this film, from cast to crew.  The film runs 127 minutes, but it never seems overlong. And, oh, that ending (it's bound to piss off a lot of people, but I found it apt and eerie). If you think modern horror films are spineless and ineffective, may I recommend this film to you? To say I am looking forward to Ari Aster's next film, MIDSOMMAR (2019), is a vast understatement.; STRANGE NATURE (2018) may be a Kickstarter-funded film, but don't let that fool you, it's an inventive and well-acted flick with much to recommend. The story is fairly simple: Former pop star Kim Sweet (Lisa Sheridan; star of the late, lamented TV Series FREAKYLINKS [2000-2001]) and her young son Brody (Jonah Beres) move back to Duluth, Minnesota from L.A. to take care of her father, Chuck (Bruce Bohne; DAWN OF THE DEAD - 2004; in a winning performance), who is dying of liver cancer. Years ago, when Kim was famous, she bad-mouthed the town of Duluth and they have never forgiven her, especially when they find out she pulled a Milli Vanilli (She had the look, but not the voice, so the record label went along with the ruse until she was found out). Kim tries to get Duluth's Mayor Paulson (Stephen Tobolowsky; KEEP MY GRAVE OPEN - 1977) to do something about the rash of mutated frogs in the area, believing it has something to do with the pesticides that farms are using, but nearly everyone in town believe that Kim just wants to get famous again and is using the frogs as an excuse to do so. That couldn't be further from the truth. The company providing the pesticides is an important company to this slowly dying town, so people of importance don't want to rock the boat, including the Mayor, but when Chuck's dog has a litter of mutated puppies and pregnant women in town begin delivering mutated babies and begin dying, it can no longer be overlooked. Kim begins a romance with Brody's grade school science teacher Greg (voice-over artist Carlos Alazraqui) and he helps her expose the company providing the pesticide. That's the gist of the story, but there is so much more, including a severely deformed man named Joseph (David Mattey; also this film's editor and supplied the digital video effects. He was also the stunt coordinator.) and his equally deformed daughter Michelle (Chalet Lizette Brannan) whom Brody makes friends with, saving their lives when the town bigots blame Joseph and his daughter for spreading the "disease" in this town, believing he is the one putting something in the water to get even with the town (Joseph moved to Duluth from New Jersey. Why does Jersey always get blamed?). A series of young people have gone missing in town and the police think that kidnappings are involved, but we can see there is some sort of mutated creature that is at fault for their deaths. As you would expect, everything comes to a head, when Chuck dies and Kim discovers that she is pregnant with Greg's baby, but will she get an abortion before she is due to deliver? Half the fun of getting to the answers is the trip director/screenwriter James Ojala (His first full length feature, who is normally a special effects makeup artist; he supplied this film's makeup effects and they are magnificent) takes us on. There's rarely a false note to be had, as the story is based on fact (mutated frogs are a sign of something deadly that would affect all life on this planet and there are real stories about this happening now). Everyone turns in spot-on performances and there are many funny moments, as there are frightening ones. My girl Tiffany Shepis (HOME SICK - 2007) puts in a cameo as a photographer who gets killed in the beginning of the film by the unknown mutated creature (it is revealed in the finale and, boy, is it worth the wait!) and there is a surprising humanity to the entire film (especially Chuck's death). Even the people we think are the bad guys suddenly realize that they are fighting a losing battle (The Mayor is one of them, but of course he makes it look like he had it all under control). And yes, we do see Kim's baby in the finale, but it is best that I don't tell you what happens. There's also a hilarious scene where Chuck and Kim talk to one of their neighbors and discover that he belongs to a "Furry" cult (once again, it is best if you discover it for yourself) and makes sure you stay until after the end credits for another funny sting. This could be my favorite low-budget horror film of 2018. Seriously, you should see it now if you can. It is available streaming for free on Amazon Prime.; POSSUM (2018) is a British horror film that is pure nightmare fuel. The story, about a man named Philip (a terrifying Sean Harris; CREEP - 2004) and his best undescribed puppet (once seen, never forgotten) that he keeps in a brown leather bag, is upsetting enough, but his relationship with his creepy Uncle Maurice (an even more terrifying Alun Armstrong; SPLIT SECOND - 1992) will send chills up your spine, as Maurice only talks in two or three word sentences, yet Philip understands completely what he is talking about (even if we don't, but it all becomes clear later in the film). Director/screenwriter Matthew Holness (his first full-length feature as a director; he was writer/creator/actor on the cult limited six-episode British TV series GARTH MARENGHI'S DARKPLACE - 2004) keeps the viewer very off-center (the music, by "The Radiophonic Workshop", will particularly put you on edge), as the film just reeks of mold and rot, especially the house that Philip and Maurice live in. The house is so filthy (look at the walls), you can actually smell the mold. The core of the story takes its time to reveal itself, but you won't mind because the film is ugly to look at, yet you won't be able to take your eyes off the screen (even the outdoor scenes look drained of color; this is no camera trick, as Holness purposely found the most decrepit areas to film in). The original "Possum" nursery rhyme that Philip created as a boy will haunt your memory for years to come (Just like in BABADOOK [2013], I wish I could get my hands on the book Philip made as a child, which contains the entire horrific nursery rhyme complete with original drawings). There is also one of the best jump scares I ever witnessed in a horror film towards the end of the movie (Beleieve me, you'll know when it happens! I think my heart skipped a couple of beats.). This is a film you won't soon forget, even after it is all over. I love how it throws you a left every time you're expecting a right. It will linger in your brain for quite some time, even infecting your dreams (It did mine!). Films like this don't come around too often, so see this one ASAP. If I say any more about this film, it will deprive you of a totally original horror film that is rare in this day and age, so discover and enjoy it for yourself. It's available streaming on Amazon Prime, free to Prime members. If you aren't a Prime member, what are you waiting for?; I have to say that I enjoyed director/screenwriter/actor Owen Egerton's BLOOD FEST (2018), even though some fans of horror movies may find it distrespectful and cowtows to them . All I can say is ignore those slams and enjoy tyhe film for what it is, a pretty funny gore flick. The story is quite simple, yet it contains numerous tropes from horror films 0f the '70s & '80s, but those tropes are needed to advance the plot. When Dax (Robbie Kay; HANNIBAL RISING - 2007) was a young boy, he saw one of the psychiatric patients of his psychiatrist father, (Tate Donovan; SWORDFISH - 2001) kill his mother in their home (they were watching Bela Lugosi's WHITE ZOMBIE [1932] on TV). Dax's mother was a fan of horror movies and passed that love on to Dax. Now a teenager, Dax can't wait to go to Blood Fest, a festival of horror and nothing but horror, overseen by world-famous horror movie director Anthony Walsh (Egerton), who has placed many horror film genre references (and cliches) on a 700 acre plot of land. Dax's father refuses to let his son go to the festival, telling him it was his mother's fault she was murdered and horror films are what causes violence in society (yeah, that old wives tale), so he takes Dax's ticket to Blood Fest and tears it up (yet Daddy had no problem shooting his patient in front of Dax when he was just a toddler! A little contradictory, no?). The tickets are nearly impossible to get without paying ridiculous scalpers prices on eBay and Craigslist. Dax's female friend Sam (Seychelle Gabriel; THE SPIRIT - 2008) and best friend Krill (Jacob Batalon; AVENGERS: ENDGAME - 2019) tell Dax to get a ticket from his ditsy friend Ashley (Barbara Dunkelman), who believes she is a serious actress, even though her best role was "Topless Girl #4" in a cheap horror flick (Dax says this about Ashley: "She thought BLACK CHRISTMAS was a Tyler Perry movie!"). Long story short, it turns out that Anthony Walsh is using all the attendees at the festival as real victims, which he is filming for his ultimate horror film. Dax, along with Sam, Ashley, Krill and a couple of "red shirts" must use their knowledge of horror film tropes to make it out of Blood Fest alive, but seven hundred acres is a pretty long way on foot, especially when Walsh  has the land sectioned off with various horror types, such as zombies, killer clowns, possessed dolls, vampires, werewolves and other horror film "tropes" (that word is used a lot in this film!). There are a few bloody surprises along the way, but it is best if you discover them on your own, because if I spill the beans, I would ruin the film for you. This is an extremely gory film, full of gushing blood and other gruesome deaths (some of them done in CGI, which knocks this film down a couple of pegs for me). But, even though this film has problems, especially when Walsh tells his workers how he managed to get actual zombies and vampires to kill the fans, this is an extremely enjoyable horror film, with many surprises and comedy moments that are actually funny, something that is very hard to do in horror films. The acting is good across the board, especially by Jacob Batalon as the virginal Krill. We also get many chainsaw deaths, impalements, decapitations, drawn and quartering and other methods of death, making this film an enjoyable experience for horror film fanatics, where titles of past horror flicks are bandied about like they are part of their lexicon and, unlike many other horror comedies, it works here. So sit back, relax and take in a film that pays respect to horror film fans, something that is very hard to do. I am not a fan of many horror comedies, but the acting and writing here won me over and it should do the same thing for you. There are many other surprising moments in this film for you to discover. I am purposely keeping everything vague so you can experience them on your own. You can thank me later.; HALLOWEEN (2018) is a very tense sequel to the original HALLOWEEN (1978), which totally ignores all the sequels (Including Rob Zombie's two flicks) in the plot, but pays tribute to them in visuals and dialogue. The first aspect of this film that I completely loved is that the rumor that Laurie Strode was Michael Myers' sister is shot down in some very sly bits of dialogue. John Carpenter (who Executive Produced and supplied music for this film, as well as getting  a "Based On Characters Created By" credit [along with the late Debra Hill]) has gone on record stating that he wrote HALLOWEEN II (1981) for the money and regretted making Laurie Michael's sister in that film, so in this film the record is set sraight. If I do have problems with this film, it's that Jamie Lee Curtis is made up to look very old, wearing the most ridiculous wig, making her look like a crazy cat lady. Ms. Curtis is actually a very beautiful woman, but she kicks ass in this film, so I can overlook director David Gordon Green (PINEAPPLE EXPRESS - 2008) wanting Laurie to look like she suffered a life of hell. Another thing that bothered me is that 80% of the killings are shown after the fact, yet the visuals are quite graphic (i.e. A cop with a cut throat holding a flashlight that is shoved up the severed head of his partner, making it look like some twisted jack-o-lantern; a gas store clerk with his jaw separated from his skull; Michael even kills a young child in this film, a first for him). In this film, a 61-year-old Michael Myers (James Jude Courtney; THE FREEWAY MANIAC - 1987) has been locked away in an insane asylum for 40 years, looked after by Dr. Sartain (Haluk Bilginer) ever since the death of Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence, who does not appear in this film since he died decades ago, but Loomis' name gets dropped quite often). Dr. Sartain is a strange man, who insists on riding the bus when Michael and a bunch of other crazies are being transported to a state asylum. As you can guess, the bus has an accident and Michael is on the loose in Haddonfield, exactly 40 years after his last killing spree, on Halloween Night (how he is reunited with his trademark William Shatner rubber mask is quite ingenious). Dr. Sartain, along with Officer Hawkins (Will Patton; the TV Series FALLING SKIES - 2011-2015), try to hunt Michael down, Officer Hawkins looking to kill him (he supposedly stopped Dr. Loomis from killing him in the original film) and Dr. Sartain having other reasons for finding him (It looks like Michael's evil spread to him. His death is particularly juicy!). Laurie's married daughter, Karen (Judy Greer; CARRIE - 2013), who was taken away from Laurie by Child Protective Services when she was 12-years-old, and granddaughter Allyson (newcomer Andi Matichak) live in Haddonfield, as does Laurie (she's estranged from her daughter, but not her granddaughter), who resides in a fortress-like house, complete with high-tech security, secret rooms, boobie traps and a shooting range full of creepy mannequins riddled with bullet holes. Laurie has waited 40 years for Michael to return (she's a crack shot with any weapon, as is Karen) and she's prepared for him, as you will see when you watch the film. The real star of this film is Laurie's house, which is full of surprises and deadly traps, made just for Michael. There are many unique tributes to the sequels in this film, especially the "Silver Shamrock" masks from HALLOWEEN III (1982) the kids wear on the streets on Halloween Night. See if you can spot the other homages, some quite obvious and others hidden, especially in the dialogue. This film pays proper respect to the original film, thanks to comic actor Danny McBride's dead-serious screenplay, which he co-wrote with Jeff Fradley and director Green. McBride and Green are long-time collaborators who worked together on many projects, such as the HBO series EASTBOUND & DOWN (2010 - 2013). This is one sequel that is worth your time. Will there be a sequel to this sequel? All I will say is stay through the entire closing credits for some special audio hints. Look for the original film's P.J. Soles in a cameo as a teacher. Nick Castle also returns to portray "The Shape" in some scenes. Co-Produced by Malek Akkad, this film is dedicated to his father, Moustapha Akkad, who Executive Produced the original and all the sequels. He was killed in the terrorist bombing in Amman, Jordan on November 09, 2005.; SUSPIRIA (2018) is a really divisive film, one you are going to either love or hate, there is no middle ground (check out the user reviews on IMDb to see what I mean). I happen to love it, if only for Tilda Swinton (SNOWPIERCER - 2013), who portrays three roles, one of them being a man! While not really a remake of Dario Argento's SUSPIRIA (1977), it is more like a visually trippy reimagining of the basic plot. It still concerns a fish-out-of-water young American dancer, Susie (portrayed here by the excellent Dakota Johnson; BEASTLY - 2011), who, in the mid-'70s, comes to a mysterious Markos Tanz Dance Company in Berlin, Germany (during the infamous "German Autumn"; Google it) to be tutored by the prestigious Madame Blanc (Swinton), only to find out she is being conditioned into becoming something far more mysterious; as a membor of the academy's deadly witches coven. A former student, Patricia (Chloë Grace Moretz; CARRIE - 2013), was supposed to be the new member, but she told her secrets to her psychologist, Dr. Klemperer (also Swinton, here billed under the phony name "Lutz Ebersdorf". A lot of critics complain about the makeup effects, but the people in the audience with me when I saw it in a theater had no idea it was Tilda Swinton or not a man at all! I concur.), and ends up missing. Dr. Klemperer is obligated to find out what happened to his patient, based on a diary Patricia left at his office, but what he discovers will scar him for the rest of his life. Filled with scenes of extreme brutality and beauty (sometimes at the same time), including Susie's introduction to a deadly dance that contorts and kills another dancer (it must be seen to be appreciated), this film's visuals are not easily forgotten once viewed. Director Luca Guadagnino, like Argento, bathes his film in primary colors, the predominate color being red. Visually, this film is second to none, but that's not what critics complained about. They were more concerned with plot, something I didn't have a problem with. If you just go along with the film's visual beauty, you shouldn't have a problem with the film, either, but you should be prepared for some extreme bloodletting, especially when "Mater Suspiriorum" ("The Mother Of Sighs"), a.k.a. Helena Markos (Swinton again), puts in an appearance, something you won't be able to get out of your head for years to come. What she does towards the end of the film is one of the goriest sequences ever in an R-Rated film and that's saying a lot. The film also ends with a very touching sequence, unusual for a film such as this. Jessica Harper, who appeared in the original film as Suzy (it's just spelled differently in this film), puts in an appearance here as the missing wife of Dr. Klemperer, in a scene full of emotion and pathos. I really don't know what all the naysayers are complaining about. Maybe it is because Luca Guadagnino was remaking a beloved classic or maybe they didn't watch it at all, but there's one thing I do know: It is an unforgettable film, worthy of the original, with many differences to stand on its own (There'a a WTF?!? scene where the witches laugh and play with a police officer's penis!). Yes, it is over two and a half hours long, but it is the quickest 152 minutes you will ever sit through. This film gets my highest recommendation! See it! You can watch it for free streaming if you are an Amazon Prime member (Amazon financed and released the film, but only to select limited theaters late in 2018, before releasing in on disc and their streaming service early in 2019. I was lucky enough to be invited to a sneak preview and the audience applauded when the film ended), but I had to buy the Blu-Ray, because I wanted it to be a permanent part of my film library. Also starring Angela Winkler, Renée Soutendijk (GRAVE SECRETS - 1989), Ingrid Caven, Alek Wek and Doris Hick as members of the academy's coven and Mia Goth (A CURE FOR WELLNESS - 2017), Vanda Capriolo, Karina El Amrani, Halla Thordardottir, Anne-Lise Brevers, Fabrizia Sacchi andMaria Bregianni as students, many of them being professional dancers in real life. You may think you don't like dance films, but the choreography in this film is so unusual, it's hypnotic.


Bad DTV Genre Films Part 17 (continued): I love most horror films that are released by IFC Midnight. For some reason they are smart and even brutal films with good stories. Not so with THE HALLOW (2015), which is basically a "monsters in the woods" film with a few effective scenes.  A conservationist from London, Adam (Joseph Mawle) travels to Ireland with his wife Clare (Bojana Novakovic) and young baby boy to survey an area in the Ireland forest believed to be hallowed ground (Which brings up a good question: How would a conservationist know it was hallowed land?)  Adam searches the land and immediately comes upon a horde of tiny creatures who prey among the lost. Pretty soon Alan's windows are being broken (A window replacement man tells Adam, "If you trespass upon them, they'll trespass upon you"). It's not long before Adam and Clare's house is under full attack from the creatures, who ooze a slimy black liquid that could change people into one of them. Adam believes his baby boy is changing, but Clare doesn't, so there is also some internal strife inside the house. In fact, it is Alan who is changing and not the baby, which makes Clare run out into the forest (Not a good idea Clare!) to try and escape. Alan goes running after her and subsequently finds the creature's home in a hollowed-out tree and it is full of the little buggers, who don't seem scared of Adam. Clare finds a house of a local resident and finds out the creatures are stealing the children of families (which could be why they are so small). The creatures kill Alan and Clare does something so stupid and unfathomable with her baby (yet it works) that she would be arrested for child endangerment in the U.S. But it satisfies both the creatures and at the end we see the creatures' land being destroyed by a logging company during the closing credits. That'll teach these creatures for fooling around with a woman!  The last shot we see is a log on a truck covered with the slimy black substance, so the creatures will have to find a new home, hopefully not next to mine! Directed and co-written by first -time feature film director Corin Hardy (whose next film seems to be a remake of THE CROW, titled THE CROW REBORN), who does one right thing that most "monsters in the woods" films dont: He actually gives us a clear view of the monsters. There is very little gore or blood, no nudity and no foul language that I could hear, which makes me wonder why this film got a "NOT RATED" tag (Probably because they never submitted the film to the MPAA) I have seen hundreds of these types of films and this one neither excites or makes you gasp. It just is what it is.; I'm going to keep this review short and sweet because of the bad taste topic, which happens to be suicide. The name of the film is THE FOREST (2015) and not only is it a bad film full of false scares and tepid dialogue, the theme of suicide just makes my blood boil, especially since this was being made at the time of Robin Williams' suicide and I knew people who committed such an act. Anything for a buck. A woman named Sarah gets a call from the Japanese police saying her twin sister Jess, since she was seen entering the Aokigahara Forest, also known as "The Suicide Forest" and "Sea Of Trees" (since it is a real place, the Japanese would not let the crew film there out of respect to the families of the victims, so they had to settle for the Tara National Forest in Serbia), may have committed suicide. Sarah travels to Japan and hires a guide and a newsman joins her, as they find bodies of suicide victims on their travels and something else may be in the woods following them. Since suicide should not be a topic for a horror film. especially a PG-13 piece of shit like this, I am going to stop here and never watch another film ever directed by Jason Zada (this being his freshman feature directorial debut). A film about a subject so serious should be a documentary or fictional film that traces the causes of suicide, not a $10,000,000 horror film that will make more than its budget in one week and then disappear (It made $26,500,000). The worst part of all of this is that the grotesque posters for the film are actually recreations of some of the real-life suicide victims that were found in The Suicide Forest, some after years of being lost in the forest. Way to pay respect to the families of the victims assholes!; BODY (2015) is a short 75-minute hipster horror drama, only this time the hipsters are three young women. They banter endlessly on Christmas Eve until one of the girls suggests they go to her Uncle's mansion because he always goes away for Christmas. The only thing is the girl is lying. The mansion belongs to a couple she once babysitted for and she knows they always travel on Christmas. What they don't count on is the couple have hired Arthur (screen legend Larry Fessenden) to look after the mansion and when two of the girls spot him at the top of the stairs, one of them pushes him down the stairs and think they have killed him. His back is broken, but he is still alive and he begs the girls to call for an ambulance. The leader of the girls doesn't want to get in trouble for breaking and entering, even though Arthur promises he won't say a thing, so they leave Arthur in another room and hope that he dies during the night. When he doesn't, the leader goes into the room and suffocates Arthur. They are now all responsible for murder, so the other two girls come up with a plan that will kill their leader and make it look like Arthur did it. And they get away with it. That is the entire film in a nutshell, so you don't have to watch this slowly-moving short feature film. Again, it takes two directors, Dan Berk & Robert Olsen (who both also wrote the screenplay), this being their first barely feature-length film, to come up with a film that has plenty of cursing, but no nudity and barely any blood or gore. Even as a straight thriller, this film doesn't pass muster (Why doesn't a huge mansion have a camera security system?) and I would advise anyone wanting to see this film to change their minds. The acting and technical aspects of the film are fine. It is just the movie that stinks.; The crime film MOMENTUM (2015) starts out exciting enough, as four thieves in high-tech body suits that hide their identities and distort their voices steal a load of money and some diamonds from the bank's even more high-tech safe. The person that hired them to pull off the heist, a U.S. Senator (Morgan Freemen, in a five-minute cameo) doesn't want the money or diamonds, but a USB drive with top secret blueprints on it that is in the diamond's pouch that will bring governments to their knees. One of the thieves, Alexis Farraday (Olga Kurylenko; HITMAN - 2007), who is a martial arts ass-kicker, finds the USB drive, while the Senator has his men (led by Mr. Washington, played by James Purefoy, the best asset of this film) kill the thieves and try to kill Alexis, but she manages to get herself out of all types of situations, including gunfights, hand-to-hand combat and car chases. While all the fights and chases are terrific, we are cheated out of a proper ending, when the Senator is told that Alexis is going to be a martyr by releasing the contents of the USB drive on the internet and the Senator says, "Do you know what makes a martyr? You have to be dead.", as we watch Alexis fly away in a plane. THE END. Huh? Then I learned that this film was supposed to be the first part of a franchise, yet when this movie (filmed mainly in South Africa) was released in the United Kingdom, it just earned a paltry $69.00 on ten screens on its opening weekend, so I can guarantee you that there will be no second film in this series. We never learn what is on the USB drive (except for a quick look at the end of the film) or who Alexis really works for. Olga Kurylenko is great on the eyes and can fight really well (as well as kill without emotion using a gun), but an action film needs a plot that audiences can understand and leaving everyone hanging at the end is a major no-no. Freeman's short film time was shot in two days in Los Angeles as a favor for  director Stephen S. Campanelli because he was the Camera & Steadicam operator for Clint Eastwood's MILLION DOLLAR BABY (2004), in which Freemen had a major role. The film is not a bad time-waster as long as you don't mind non-endings. I do.; THE CONDEMNED 2 (2015) is not really a sequel to the Steve Austin-starrer THE CONDEMNED (2007), but more like a retelling of the first film, since it was directed by the man of many DTV sequels Roel Reiné, who also gave us THE MARINE 2 (2009), DEATH RACE 2 (2010), DEATH RACE 3: INFERNO (2012), THE SCORPION KING 3: BATTLE FOR REDEMPTION (2012) and THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS 2 (2015) and many others. Since this is a WWE Productions film, it stars wrestler Randy Orton as bounty hunter Will Tanner who, with his team, try to arrest Cyrus Merrick (Wes Studi; DEEP RISING [1998], in a cameo), who runs an operation where two bums are strapped and attached to a chemical suicide machine and people bet on who dies first of the lethal injection. Will tells his crew to shoot anyone in the legs who shoots at them, because he doesn't want anyone dead. but when Will ends up fighting Cyrus, he accidentally kills him (by impalement). The only person to escape is Raul Baccaro (Steven Michael Quezada; BREAKING BAD [2008-2013]) when the police arrive. Will is arrested and charged with involuntary manslaughter and the judge imposes a two year suspended sentence, with five years probation after the two years are up. Will drives to his father Frank's (Eric Roberts, in a much bigger role than usual in these kind of films and the best thing about this film) house and tells him he is giving up the bounty hunting business he inherited from his father, who has retired. Frank is none too happy that Will has given up a business that he gave him and makes it known in no uncertain terms. Almost as soon as he comes home, he is greeted by one of his old bounty hunting team, who tries to kill Will in a bar. Turns out that Raul has turned all the bounty hunting team against each other (using relatives' lives as a way of making them do it) without Will's participation and he runs a very lucrative high-stakes internet business, where helicopter drones (the kind with four spinning blades on each four corner) equipped with cameras keep an eye on the action, while the rich elite place bets in an abandoned warehouse on who lives and who dies during each battle. While there are plenty of gunfights, hand-to-hand combat (which is particularly weak since Orton is a good wrestler) and big explosions, the film fails for one big reason: We have seen this all done before and done much better.  There is plenty of blood (the female cop's death is memorable) and bloody bullet squibs and a fiery explosion-filled finale, where Will takes on Raul, who decided to put himself in the game because two of Will's ex-team join with Will (as does Frank) and refuse to kill each other, although the sniper on his team tries his hardest to kill them all in his dune buggy at the most inopportune times. Basically this film is HARD TARGET (1993; which Roel Reiné directed a sequel of in 2016, starring new action icon Scott Adkins!) without enough talent to make it believable (and Randy Orton has some big ears!). Only Eric Roberts registers here as a disappointed father who slowly realizes that son Will is being set up. Otherwise, this is ordinary at best. Director Roel Reiné used the pseudonyn "John Rebel" to direct two non-sequels, BEAR and WOLF TOWN (both 2010) which get shown a lot on the Chiller channel. They are also pretty bad horror flicks.; OK, now will someone tell me who wanted practically a word for word remake (or as they rather call it, a "reboot") of director Eli Roth's 2002 horror flick CABIN FEVER? Well it seems like director Travis Zariwny (who uses the name "Travis Z" here) and screenwriter Randy Pearlstein (who used most of Eli Roth's script verbatim) filmed their own version of CABIN FEVER in 2015, with Eli Roth's blessing (he is one of this film's Executive Producers and puts in an uncredited cameo) and made this idiotic piece of deja vu, only with worse actors and some comedy that falls flatter than a ten year-old girl's chest. The only real difference between the two films is the opening of the new one, where a guy camping out in the woods returns with a dead rabbit and tells his dog that they now have dinner. He turns the dog over and it sprays him in the face with blood. The dog's name? PanCakes (a take off on a certain scene in the original). The rest of the film is basically an exact retread of the original, only with two differences: 1.) Instead of the partying cop Detective Winston (Giuseppe Andrews), this films does a gender reversal and Detective Winston is now a female partying cop, played by Louise Linton (and she gets much less time than Giuseppe) and 2.) instead of the group having a single-shot rifle, they now have a fully automatic rifle (Now where does an older teenager gets his hands on a full auto?). This film also ups the gore factor than the 2002 film, but the original was much better acted and we never knew what was going to happen (and it was gory enough), only here, 13 years later, we know EXACTLY what is going to happen. No surprises, nothing new. Oh, and it completely omits the old man in the backwoods store and his iconic line to the three black people who walk into his store at the finale (We have to be politically correct now and it pisses me off!). Instead, they substitute a scene that leaves this film wide open for a sequel that I hope never happens. It makes me wonder why this film was greenlit so soon after the original. It is Rated R, so anyone born in 2002 would still not be legally able to see it without a parent or guardian, Sometimes it boggles the mind that people would remake a film that already had two sequels and do it so soon (one sequel was made a year before this film!). Doesn't anyone have an original idea in their heads? If you feel you must see this film, remember one thing: It went the basic limited theater/VOD route in 2016 before being dumped on Home Video and Cable TV. If you haven't seen the original film, I would recommend that you watch that one instead because it was a quasi-hit back in 2002 and for a reason. It was somewhat original in its ideas and was acted so much better than this one. This new reboot is for masochists only. Especially if you have seen the original. This reminds me so much as when director Gus Van Sant tried to remake Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO (1960) word-for-word, scene-for-scene in 1998. Just like this film, it stank, it bombed and all because the directors and actors didn't have the talent to pull it off.; ANDRON (2015) is exactly like those "Young Adult" films like THE MAZE RUNNER (2014; actually based on an Italian TV movie called THE PLACE [2012], made by the same director of this abomination), but with more blood and foul language to give it an R-Rating. In the far-off future, a group of people wake up in an underground maze and must figure a way to get out. The problem is, this is a game developed by Chancellor Gordon (Danny Glover) and controlled by Gamemaster Adam (Alec Baldwin; both Baldwin and Glover shot their scenes in one day) called "The Redemption Game" and the entire population are slaves. The slaves also bet on which person will come out of the maze alive and if their pick is killed, so are they. This entire game is nothing but a ploy to kill as much as the population as the ruling government can, because in the words of Chancellor Gordon, "This planet can not sustain more than 2 billion people". Cameras follow the group, as they are attacked by cyborg-like soldiers and traitors within the group and the group is whittled down little by little. They also manage to defeat the Gamemaster from time to time, which pisses off Chancellor Gordon, who promises Adam that he will be killed if anything else goes wrong with the game (But Adam has more tricks up his sleeve than a cheesy Vegas magician). In the finale, after all the fighting (much of it shot in the dark, so it is impossible to make out), two people make it out alive and they are welcomed by a voice that tells them, "Welcome to Level Two.", as the computerized outside buildings morph into an ocean and our two heroes are standing on a beach. Huh? C'mon now, throughout the entire film, there was no mention of different levels of the game. This Italy/Malta/UK/Canada-financed film, directed and written by Francesco Cinquemani (his first theatrical feature and it shows), was hoping for a sequel, which is made quite apparent by the ending, but I can't see it happening unless the investors want to lose money. This movie was filmed in 21 days and it is apparent as the mole on a witch's nose. The fighting is horribly staged, the futuristic special effects consist of Adam's computer and some quick shots during the end (all done poorly) and both Baldwin and Glover (who is quickly becoming the king of B-film cameos) look bored beyond belief. It had a quick limited theatrical/VOD release in the Summer of 2016 in the U.S. and then quickly went to pay cable. This is a cheap, grimy YA wannabe that is not worth the time of YA enthusiasts. Even the R-Rating makes no sense, because all we ever see are people being electrocuted by futuristic weapons and puddles of blood, things we have already seen in PG-13 films. It got the rougher rating because people say fuck more times than a PG-13 film will allow. Please save me from watching crap like this!; THIRST (2015): Did you hear the one about a badly-rendered CGI metal exo-skeletoned alien that crash-lands on Earth (in its meteor-like spaceship) right in the path of a desert boot camp for troubled teenagers, who accidentally kill the alien's baby? You have? Good, then I won't have to explain any further with what you can expect here, including all adults being killed, the troubled teenagers turning on each other, the bad metal alien hunting them down one-by-one and the frequent royalty payments that should have been made to James Cameron. Director Greg Kiefer's only other feature film was STALKING SANTA (2006). I think that should tell you all you need to know! This is nothing but a shopworn plot that can be traced back to 1993's TICKS.; THE BOY (2015) is another one of those horror films that was made for a minimal amount of money ($8 million) in hopes that the first week in theaters would make four times the budget. Well, the film went on to make $11 million on the first week in theaters (hardly a blockbuster) and made nearly $36 million by the time it left theaters 2 months later (it also made $23 million in all foreign territories). A nice haul for a film so absurd it wouldn't scare anyone (thanks to its PG-13 Rating). American Greta Evans (Lauren Cohan; THE WALKING DEAD - 2011-2017) travels to a mansion in the United Kingdom to take care of a boy named Brahms, because her boyfriend Cole (Ben Robson; TV's ANIMAL KINGDOM - 2016, based on the 2010 movie.) found out Greta was pregnant with his baby and he beat her up, killing the fetus in the process. When she gets to the mansion, she meets handsome food delivery man Malcolm (Rupert Evans; ASYLUM BLACKOUT - 2011), who tells her she is in for a very strange experience (and you know almost from the beginning that Greta and Malcolm will become lovers). Greta meets Mr. & Mrs. Heelshire (Jim Norton [not the comedian; STRAW DOGS - 1971] & Diana Hardcastle), who introduce her to Brahms: A creepy porcelain doll that the mother and father treat as if he is alive. Even though Greta finds all this extremely strange, she accepts the job (Mrs. Heelshire tells her that Brahms accepts her, the first caretaker he has approved of in over two years) because she is getting a pile of money to basically do nothing. The Heelshires tell Greta that they are going on a much needed vacation (they actually put rocks in their coat pockets and walk into the ocean, killing themselves.), but there is a list of rules Greta must follow to make Brahms happy. When the Heelshires are gone, Greta takes it easy, ignoring the rules and she soon finds out by not following the list of rules, that she is being punished. Her shoes, clothing and necklace disappear and other strange things happen (Most of them jump scares while Greta is sleeping, a turn-off for any real horror fan). Greta decides to follow the list of rules and her items begin to come back to her. Malcolm tells her that Brahms died in a fire at the mansion twenty years ago, so the Heelshires made a doll to replace him. About three quarters into the film, Cole tracks Greta down and the film does a complete 180° turn. A turn so unbelievable, that you will immediately begin to feel ripped off. While Cole is abusing Greta and Malcolm appears to try and stop him, it seems that the real Brahms is still alive, wearing a porcelain mask to cover his fire-scarred skin (which we never get a good look at) and spying on everything and everyone that goes on in the house through secret hallways behind the walls. Brahms wants Greta for himself, so he kills Cole with a piece of the doll's head that Cole smashed on the edge of a coffee table by stabbing him in the neck (we never really see anything), knocks-out Malcolm (Why doesn't he just kill him?) and chases after Greta. Greta manages to stab Brahms in the leg and stomach with a screwdriver, rescues Malcolm and they both drive off to safety. The final shot finds Brahms, who is somehow still alive, gluing the pieces of the doll's head together. Next victim, please! Director William Brent Bell (STAY ALIVE - 2006; WER - 2013) forgot the first rule of horror films: Don't wait 75 minutes to show the first death and quit playing us with false jump scares. The story has been done tons of times before, so there isn't even anything new here. Just do yourself a favor and go to bed instead of watching this. It looks like you need sleep.; Remember director Steven Spielberg's 1971 TV Movie DUEL and the Paul Walker film JOY RIDE (2001) where he and a couple of friends try to outrun a nasty faceless trucker named "Rusty Nail" (Not to mention the two JOY RIDE DTV sequels)? You do? Well, then there is no reason to watch WRECKER (2015), a thriller about two young women, Emily (Anna Hutchison) and Leslie (Dréa Whitburn), who manage to piss-off a faceless driver of a big tow truck in their cherry red Ford Mustang and are chased for what seems like forever. When they do get out of the car, Emily manages to pick on the wrong truck driver in a diner and then later, manages to knock herself out by falling and hitting her head on a rock and when she wakes up, Leslie is missing. She searches for Leslie, but not in the obvious places. This film hits on all the clichés: From lack of cell phone service, nearly getting run over by the Wrecker while making a phone call to the police in a glass phone booth (Do those still exist?), an emergency phone on the side of the road not working to being pulled over by an unbelieving police officer (an unbilled Michael Biehn; good choice Michael!), who gets hit by the Wrecker and disappears (now you see him, now you don't). Emily finally gets the Wrecker to teeter over a cliff and she finally checks her trunk where she finds the body of Leslie (We see nothing except Emily scream and close the trunk!). Emily backs up her Mustang into the back of the tow truck and it falls off the cliff (no explosion, no nothing!). The finale is really perplexing, as another young woman stops by the Wrecker's gas station and the camera pans across the yard, where we see Emily's Mustang, a few other cars and vehicles and finally the Wrecker. The headlights go on and the film ends, Director/co-writer Micheal Bafaro (The director of the interesting serial killer film THE BARBER [2001] and the average 11:11 THE GATE [2004]) fails to generate any suspense here. We actually know what is going to happen before it does. One gets the feeling that the ending was tacked-on to make room for a sequel. One I do not wish to watch.;  Nature run amok films are one of my favorite sub-genres of horror films and director Eric Red usually makes good films (BODY PARTS - 1991; BAD MOON - 1996), but when NIGHT OF THE WILD (2015) involves The Asylum (The SHARKNADO films) and tries its hardest to mimic director Robert Clouse's THE PACK (1977), you have nowhere to go but down. This was originally made for SyFy, which should give you a good idea what you are in for. In Clouse's film, pet dogs turn feral and form packs when tourists visit a small vacation island and leave the dogs there to fend for themselves when they leave. In Red's film, a small town experiences a meteor shower and a mysterious green meteor hits near town, forcing all dogs (no other animals, just dogs) to turn into vicious, teeth-showing and drooling killing machines (a seeing-eye dog drags his blind master into the middle of the road, where he is hit by a car.). Town citizens, including Dave (Rob Morrow, a long way from TV's NUMB3RS - 2005-2010), Sara (Kelly Rutherford; SCREAM 3 - 2000) and a bunch of other residents try to outrun all the murderous dogs that use to be their pets (there is one small dog that seems to be unaffected), only to be picked-off one by one by the bloodthirsty dogs (a mixture of physical effects, real dogs and awful CGI). Their only choice is to make it to a plane at the small airport on the outskirts of town and only four people make it (Thank God; the plane couldn't fit more than four people and a tiny dog!) and take off just in the nick of time. They fly to another town hundreds of miles away and, as they get off the plane, discover that they are surrounded by drooling dogs ready to use them as chew toys. It looks like the entire world now has a severe vicious dog problem. THE END. All I can say is Eric Red (who has said he tried to shoot this film with the same color gel lighting as Dario Argento's SUSPIRIA - 1977!) must have needed the work because this film contains none of his regular suspenseful scenes (even the other THE PACK copy, 2006's THE BREED, was much more entertaining than this) and since this was made for TV (Rated TV-14), there is some blood and minimal gore, but not enough to make you take notice as much as you will notice The Asylum's crappy CGI. If you want to remake a film that offers thrills and bloody situations galore, do not make it for TV. A film like this needs to be made for theaters or DTV. Of course, The Asylum released this on DVD as being "Unrated" because DVDs do not usually use TV ratings (unless they are TV Series Season box sets). If you watch this film, you will find it hard to believe that Eric Red wrote the screenplays for THE HITCHER (1986), NEAR DARK (1987) and COHEN AND TATE (1988). Oh my non-bloody hell, what a stinker!; WOLVES AT THE DOOR (2015) is a bad retelling of the Manson murders in 1969. During The Summer of Love a sleeping husband and wife are interrupted from their sleep in the middle of the night when Mary (a cameo by Jane Kaczmarek; MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE [2000-2006]) is awoken by someone knocking on their front door and husband John (Chris Mulkey - TOMCATS [1976]) goes downstairs to see who is knocking, but there is no one at the door. John tells Mary that no one was there when someone knocks on the front door again. Mary calls the police while John goes downstairs to investigate. He runs upstairs and locks the bedroom door while we see someone is trying to break it down. When the police arrive they see "LITTLE PIG" painted in red on the front door  and "LITTLE PIG" painted on the wall leading upstairs. When they get to the bedroom, the police see painted on the bedroom door "LET ME IN", but John & Mary are fine. It looks like Manson's followers were just going out on a dry run. We then turn our attention to a pregnant Sharon (Katie Cassidy; and it doesn't take a genius to know who she is supposed to be.) and three friends celebrating the departure of one of them to Boston. Suddenly Two men and two women invade the house in the middle of the night and we then squint to see people being murdered because it is so dark The victims turn out to be two of Sharon's best friends, Abigail (Elizabeth Henstridge, TV's AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. [2013 - 2017]) and Wojciech (Adam Campbell) From what I could make out from this short, 73-minute film is that some of the murders are bloody, especially when Sharon gets stabbed in the stomach with a knife (we see the blade slowly being pulled out of her stomach) and the film ends with David Brinkley (remember him?) reporting on the real-life murders, along with a short interview with the real Manson (actually, the scariest part of the film!). The film really offers nothing new in the Manson Massacre genre, except for the real-life footage at the end. Sometimes fact is stranger than fiction. Director John R. Leonetti (ANNABELLE - 2014) couldn't bore us more if he filmed the grass growing in his front yard. Avoid.; 12 ROUNDS 3: LOCKDOWN (2015) is your regular WWE Studios DTV sequel to a 2009 film (starring John Cena) that tanked at the boxoffice and a 2013 sequel titled 12 ROUNDS 2: RELOADED (with Randy Orton). The wrestling star here is Dean Ambrose (real name: Jonathan Good) as police officer John Shaw who is just back from injuries suffered in a gunfight that got his partner killed (all the other officers in this precinct blame him for his partner's death). He comes across some evidence in the form of a credit card with a memory card attached to it that points to Officer Tyler Burke (Roger R. Cross) and 11 more police officers are dirty and just killed another officer the night before (We see it happen in the beginning of the film). Burke knows Shaw has the incriminating evidence, so he sets off a fire alarm and puts the entire precinct in lockdown (It is the largest police precinct I ever saw!). Shaw carries a 12 round .45 pistol and plans to use one bullet on every crooked cop, while Burke convinces the higher-ups that Shaw is The one who is dirty. Ambrose acts crazy in the WWE wrestling ring , but plays it fairly subdued here, Sure, there is some wrestling moves in the film, but it looks like half the film's budget went towards blanks and bullet squibs. For a WWE film, this film is fairly bloody (People get shot in the eye and have a knife shoved under another crooked officer's chin), but we have seen this film a hundred times before and director Stephen Reynolds (VENDETTA - 2013) keeps things moving at a quick pace but it offers nothing new for action fans. Even the double surprise ending, where a good cop turns out to be crooked and Shaw redeems himself by using a sneaky measure (Fuck cell phones that can record voices!) and uses his last bullet on Burke's knee didn't surprise me. In these films, the good guy always wins. And the viewer always loses. Some people may like this just to see a calm Dean Ambrose instead of his over-the-top performances in the ring (his nickname is "The Lunatic Fringe" on WWE), but this is your standard WWE DTV sequel flick. Nothing more, nothing less.; CHILD EATER (2015) is one of those DTV films with no back story, but wants you to believe that everything that is happening is real. We first see a young girl with a bloody hand  and carrying a doll while walking through the woods, she walks and walks and walks until she gets to a river, where she tosses the bloody doll into the water. She continues walking, walking, walking until she gets to a park. As she is walking across the street, a female driver stops her car and runs to the little girl, who says, "He hurt me." She turns around and we can see that her right eye is missing. The camera pans down to her bloody hand and when she opens it, she is holding her eye. Twenty five years pass and we concentrate on Helen Connolly (Cait Bliss), a troubled young woman who has just broken up with her boyfriend Tom (Dave Klasko), so she asks her Sheriff father (James Wilcox) to get her jobs to keep her busy. He gets her a job as a babysitter to young Lucas Parker (Colin Critchley), a new boy in town who is sure some old man is following him. Lucas has a crush on Helen, so he is not happy when Tom pays Helen a surprise visit at his house. Helen tells Tom that she is pregnant, so the callous Tom asks her, "Is it mine? Are you gonna keep it?" Lucas disappears (Tom thinks it because he has a crush on her), but it is more serious than they both think. Lucas has been kidnapped by the monstrous Robert Bowery (Jason Martin), a local legend in this neck of the woods. It seems Bowery suffered from macular degeneration and was slowly going blind, so he kidnapped children, put masks over their heads so they were as blind as he was and then ate their eyes (!), believing that eating eyes of children would reverse his condition (Why? It is never explained). Helen's best friend, Deputy Casey (Brandon Smalls) gets a phone call at the station by a person who says her name is Ginger. She sings a nursery rhyme and then says, "He's awake now." This seems to trouble Sheriff Connolly, as this has awoken something deep inside him and he begins to worry for the safety of his daughter (Earlier in the film, a bird flies into Lucas' house and he says to Helen, "If a sparrow flies through your house, it means someone is going to die."). Helen and Tom go looking for Lucas in the woods (filmed in Catskill, NY, an old stomping ground of mine). They end up at an old deserted camp ground, which is considered "off limits" by the residents and they find evidence that someone was staying there. What do they do? Why, they split up, just like in hundreds of other horror films! Tom steps on a bear trap and screams bloody murder. Helen arrives just in time to see Bowery rip out Tom's eyes with his monstrous hands (a decent effect). Helen runs away and ends up in a deserted farm house, full of missing person posters and newspaper stories about missing children taped to the walls. Ginger (Melinda Chilton) then appears and Helen passes out. When she wakes up, she is tied to a tree and we learn that Ginger is the young girl we saw holding her own eye in the beginning of the film. She is holding a shotgun on Helen and tells her, "Call for him. This ends tonight!" We then see Lucas waking up, finding himself with a mask over his head in a house full of dead bodies.  Helen then breaks free and knocks out Ginger. She calls the police and then accidentally (?) stabs herself with a knife and passes out, She wakes up in a hospital room, brought there by her father, who wants to know what happened. A nurse comes in and tells Helen that she and her baby are going to be okay. It seems that Bowery is on the loose once again, but how can that be since he has been long dead? If you are looking for answers, you won't find them in this trifle of a film, which is heavy on gory eye removal (even Helen get one of her orbs removed), but light on explanations. This (Kickstarter-funded) film, based on a 2012 short of the same name, makes very little sense and seems way too long for its short 82-minute running time. Icelandic director/screenwriter Erlingur Ottar Thoroddsen doesn't bother to explain why Bowery returns or if it is even Bowery at all. He just appears and doesn't look human at all, with a large mouth full of sharp teeth and sharp talons for hands. Of course, bullets can't stop him, which makes me wonder how he was caught 25 years earlier. Like most modern-day DTV horror films, Helen's best friend Casey is gay and he ends up saving her life when Bowery rips out one of her eyes and he shoots him in the head (What?), leading to Helen grabbing a gun and shooting every bullet into his head, too (Double What???), as we watch Bowery's body transform into a pile of goo that is absorbed into the ground. It also ends like most modern-day DTV horror flicks, as we watch a pregnant Helen walking down a dark hospital corridor, when Bowery appears behind her, saying, "They're best when they're fresh!" setting up the film for an unwanted sequel. Stay tuned after the end credits for a worthless stinger. Nothing about this film stands out, not even the creepy Catskill location shoot, of which I am very familiar. Available free streaming on Amazon Prime. Why bother?

Bad DTV Genre Films Part 18 (continued): PET (2016) made only $63 on its opening limited theatrical weekend (It's also the second film I saw open with the old Orion Pictures logo, the first one being the reboot of THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN - 2014). That is not to say the film is that bad, just too familiar for its own good. Pet shelter (unfortunately, it's not a no-kill pet shelter) worker Seth (Dominic Monaghan; THE DAY - 2011; TV's LOST - 2004-2010) loves his job feeding and playing with the dogs, especially the one German Shepherd who is soon due to be put to sleep. Otherwise his life is a humdrum existence. One day on the bus ride home, he meets old schoolmate Holly (Ksenia Solo; THE FACTORY - 2012) and her beauty puts something into Seth's life that he probably never had before: Love. He follows her around, sends her flowers, eats where she works as a waitress and it is plain to see that Holly thinks Seth is a creep. One day at work, the German Shepherd is about to be put to sleep, which upsets Seth because it was his favorite pet in the shelter. The veterinarian asks Seth if he wants to take the dog home before he gives him the hypodermic needle that will kill him, but Seth says his apartment doesn't allow animals, so the dog is killed. This gives Seth an idea to capture Holly and keep her as his own pet. He uses a paralyzing agent on her and puts her in a box and brings her to the pet shelter in the middle of the night (He is almost caught by the guard Nate [Da'Vone McDonald; THE GAMBLER - 2014], who is watching NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD [1968] on TV when he hears Holly moan) and brings her down to the bowels of the shelter, where there are tunnels and a cage, which Seth puts her in. Most of the film is Seth telling Holly that she has to throw away her inhibitions and accept her fate as his lover, but when Nate discovers Holly in the cage, the film takes a 180° turn, which I will not explain here (In the film's only funny moment, Seth is stabbing the huge Nate in the stomach with a pen knife and Nate says, "Are you stabbing me?"). Let's just say that Holly, even though she is still locked in the cage, now controls Seth's life. The film becomes the same as the first half, only the roles are reversed (Holly says to Seth, "Maybe you're not supposed to save me. Maybe I'm supposed to save you."). Director Carles Torrens (APARTMENT 143 - 2011) and screenwriter Jeremy Slater (THE EXORCIST TV Series [2016 - 2018]) offer nothing new to the old captive storyline (only a few seconds of gore), except for the surprise turnaround (But we knew Holly was a screwed up girl almost from the beginning when we see her talking to her imaginary friend Claire [Jennette McCurdy; BREAKING DAWN - 2004]. Or is she imaginary?). Most of the film is slow-going, a hodge-podge of cheap psychological wording (it turns out Holly's kidnapping was just the thing she needed in her life to return to a twisted kind of "normalcy") and the police trying to pin Nate's murder on Seth (who he fed to the dogs). There was a film in 1974 called PETS, which uses much of the plot seen in this film, so I guess you can look at this as the remake. An inferior remake. A U.S./Spain Co-Production.; THE REMAINS (2016) is just another one of those supernatural horror films where a family moves into a haunted house, strange stuff happens, they all die and another new family moves in at the finale. That's basically the whole storyline to this hackneyed film. The film opens up in the 1800's, where a couple go to a strange looking house to meet a medium, Madame Addison (Maria Olsen; THE LORDS OF SALEM - 2012), to find out if their daughter, who has been missing for three weeks, is dead or alive. The medium asks the couple to give her something that is important to them and the husband (who is a non-believer) gives her his pocket watch. During the seance, where Madame Addison tells the couple not to break the circle (Guess what happens?), the medium becomes possessed by an evil spirit, slit's the wife's throat with a knife (probably the most bloody scene in the film) and then kills the father. Cut to present times, where recent widower John (Todd Lowe; "Terry Bellefleur" on TRUE BLOOD from 2008 to 2014), teenage daughter Izzy (Brooke Butler; THE SAND - 2015), and young son and daughter Aiden (Dash Williams) and Victoria (Hannah Nordberg) are driving to look for a new house to live in, when they run across the same house where the couple were murdered 100 years before and it is so cheap, John can hardly believe it, so he buys it from real estate agent Claire (Ashley Crow), who knows the history of the house, but dances around John's questions. It is not long before the usual haunted house crap happens: Doors close by themselves; the library has all the books strewn over the floor; people see ghosts for a split second; an old Victrola keeps playing buy itself; and John gets a warning from a ghost girl named Melissa (Lisa Brenner), who suddenly appears in the attic and tells him to burn everything because "She" is coming. Aiden and Victoria find a chest full of stuff and show it to their father. It has the pocket watch in it, a creepy doll that Victoria wants to keep, Tarot cards, and "ghost photos", which were usually fake photos double exposed to make it look like ghosts were present. John asks Claire about why all this stuff is in the attic and she tells him about Madame Addison and the murders of the couple. John does some research (Seems that there have been more murders in this house over the years) and becomes highly concerned, because Aiden and Victoria are changing their attitudes, talking in monotone and disobeying him and he believes Claire is not telling him everything about the house. He throws away everything that was found in the chest into the garbage outside, but he discovers that all of it is back in the house (He catches next door neighbor Melissa [Lisa Brenner] reading Aiden and Victoria's future with the Tarot cards when he comes home and John throws her out of the house. She comes back that night to apologize and tells him that ever since her father entered that house, he had a near-fatal heart attack and now she looks after him next door). John tries a do-it-yourself home exorcism kit, but it fails and John once again finds the pocket watch on the floor. It all ends with the entire family either dead or joining "She" in the depth of the Underworld and ends with another couple with kids moving into the house, meeting Claire at the front door. I can honestly say there is not one genuine scare in this film. This is director/screenwriter Thomas Della Bella's first stab at a horror film (he is usually a Production Assistant on TV Series and Theatrical Films) and he has to learn if you are making a haunted house film, put some scares in the damn thing. I can't complain about the acting and technical aspects of the film because they are all first-rate, but as a horror film, it stinks. Don't waste your time unless you have to see every haunted house film ever made (and this is no THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE [1973] by a long shot).; THE CARETAKER (2016) starts out creepy enough, when a male caretaker digs up a box outside and gives it to sick old lady Birdie (Sondra Kerr Blake; HELTER SKELTER - 1976), the owner of the creepy house, who is listening to 78 rpm records on her Victrola while sitting in her favorite chair. Inside the box is a ragdoll named Scarlett and a pair of scissors. Birdy takes the pair of scissors and cuts her right hand deeply, causing blood to drip to the floor. The caretaker hears her cries and enters her bedroom, where he finds her standing and she says to him, "Get out of my house!" Birdie's granddaughter Mallorie (Meegan Warner; SCARE CAMPAIGN - 2016), gets a call from Birdie's doctor and he tells her that Birdie needs a new caretaker. Little does Mallorie realize is that the caretaker will be her. She was raised by Birdie when she was a child after Mallorie's mother disappeared when she was four and just four months ago, she moved in with fiance August (Sean Martini), so he goes along with Mallorie to take care of Birdie, but the old lady takes an instant dislike to August (She says to him, "I wonder who is going to die first, you or me?") and warns him not to have any type of sexual activity in her house (she makes him sleep on the couch). Mallorie remembers Scarlett and Birdie gives it to her, but whenever she holds it at night, she sleepwalks calling August's name and August has to put her back to bed. Mallorie and August put an ad in the newspaper for a new caretaker (Sebastian, played the late Irwin Keyes, in one of his last films, shows up and fills in the hole left by the last caretaker, but August thinks he is too weird to take care of Birdie), but they can't seem to find anyone who hasn't worked for Birdie before and has been fired by the old bat. Birdy becomes more and more unhinged and so does Mallorie in her own way, which worries August, who goes sees a psychiatrist to see what she thinks about Mallorie's sleepwalking. The psychiatrist gives August signs about Mallorie to look for. Mallorie and August find a red folder full of documents which fill in the blanks and the question now is: Can they ever leave this house? A search of the attic gives them the answer (It is full of old VHS tapes and a creepy room that awakens something in Mallorie). You have all the clues you need to figure out how director/producer Jeff Prugh (his first horror film) and screenwriter/producer Jeremy Robinson's (also his first horror movie) film is going turn out (The only new caretaker to show up is a Spanish woman, who takes one look at Birdie and calles her a "Bruja", Spanish for "witch", and quickly leaves the house.). While not a bad film, it is merely a regular one (There's even a music video of Birdie and August dancing!), as Sondra Kerr Blake (who was once married to accused murderer/actor Robert Blake for 22 years) is simply terrifying as Birdie and Sean Martini is awful as August (it was his first acting gig and it shows). Those looking for lots of blood and gore and going to be very disappointed, because this is more of a supernatural gothic thriller. Believe it or not, Irwin Keyes, who is in this film for not more than two minutes, won a Best Supporting Actor award in a Feature Film from the FANtastic Horror Film Festival in San Diego. Maybe it was their way of paying tribute to a recently passed actor, one that I always loved, too. Otherwise, this is nothing but standard DTV pablum. Watch out for the scissors (and lipstick)!; FIGHT VALLEY (2016) is an extremely poor actioner because it stars real-life UFC/MMA female and male fighters and the story is about as old as it comes. Director/screenwriter Rob Hawk at least had the sense to fill the film with some well-known female UFC fighters (Meisha Tate, a star of this film, defeated Holly Holm to become the women's bantamweight champion of the UFC. Holly Holm, another one of the stars of this film, defeated Ronda Rousey to become the women's bantamweight champion of the UFC), but to even attempt to call them actors is doing the acting profession a disservice. As actors, the entire cast are good fighters. The story is as plain as it comes: When her sister Tori (Chelsea Durkalec), a "knockaround girl" (a girl who streetfights with no manager in streets and alleys), is murdered by some unknown person, Windsor (Susie Celek) gets into a series of fights to find Tori's killer, even though she is not a fighter. Windsor gets some much needed help in streetfighting by Jabs (Tate), who puts her through an 80's montage (nearly the whole second third of the film) of ways to learn how to become a fighter quick. She learns about "Fight Valley", the place where her sister was killed by a champion fighter named Church (Cris "Cyborg"). The only problem is that you have to get invited to go to Fight Valley, otherwise everyone there will stomp your ass. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out how this story ends, but the terrible acting from everyone involved (especially Salvatore Franciosa as Windsor and Tori's father Gino, also a Producer and Executive Producer) makes the film seem twice as long as it really is. If you have never heard of this film, good for you. I had to watch it. The women aren't especially good looking and the nudity is kept to a minimum, but there is plenty of lesbianism and foul language for ten action films. And the violence is kept to the the outside (There is only one fight in the UFC fighting octangle) and none of it is very well staged. This looks like an action film if it was made by the late Jess Franco. That is not a good thing. Avoid it. It makes the female UFC/MMA fighters look like a bunch of foul-mouthed, gay pseudo-martial artists. Filmed mostly in New Jersey. Believe it or not, a sequel has been announced!; I really wanted to like NOCTURNE (2016) because some scenes are downright effective, but the film slits its own throat, as it were, by using too many supernatural/possession film clichés and the ending is one where we know the filmmakers didn't have a proper conclusion, so they fell back on the worst cliché of all. The film, partially financed by Kickstarter, opens with Jo (Clare Niederpruem) driving her car down a road, continuously looking behind her like she is being followed. She stops at a high school graduation party at Isaac's (Darien Willardson) parents' house and it is the most anemic graduation party on film in a long time (everyone else who graduated is at another party with a live DJ). It consists of only six people (seven later on in the film, but more on that later): Jo, Isaac, Maren (Hailey Nebeker), Gabe (Jake Stormoen), Vi (Melanie Stone) and Jo's ex-boyfriend Liam (Colton Tran, the best actor in this film, who is a regular partying teen, but still dishes out quotes from the Bible). Isaac is not only the town jock, but he is also an excellent magician, as he proves to everyone by performing an unusual magic trick involving two folded playing cards. Maren gets the idea of performing a seance using an ouija board (What low-budget possession film doesn't have one?), but Isaac doesn't have one, so they make their own on a table using half a deck of playing cards representing the alphabet, "Yes" and "No" written on the table and an upside down wine glass as a planchette. Personal questions are asked and everyone has dark secrets that come out (including Liam cheating on Jo) and something happens to Maren (yes, she becomes possessed, not by any old spirit, but by the Devil himself!). After a soak in a hot tub where Maren, Liam, Isaac and a reluctant Jo (who refuses to take her shirt off) play a game of "Never Have I Ever..." (The possessed Maren says, "Never Have I Ever had sex."), everyone plays a game of Strip Blackjack, where the losers who go above 21 have to take off a piece of clothing or take a shot of Jack Daniels. Maren never loses a hand, as she hits 21 nearly every time, even though Isaac is a magician and tries to make her lose. Jo takes all her clothes off except her shirt, when she starts drinking shot after shot for losing hands. Toward the end of the game where Jo is so drunk, she can't drink another shot, Liam says the game is over, and as Jo gets up, Gabe grabs her and drunkenly tears off her shirt by mistake, revealing a lot of freshly-made huge bruises on her back caused by her drunk father Hank (Corey Sondrup). I guessed that was who Jo was looking for following her when she was driving in the beginning of the film. I was wrong (kind of). Maren (who now has the uncanny ability of saying the same exact things everyone else says at the same time they say it) then goes on a killing spree, first killing Gabe by making love to him and burning him to death. Vi is next, as she is locked in the bathroom, has some of the top of her fingers burned, has some teeth removed, as she spits out blood and some molars and, in the most impressive moment, Maren makes her cut her shoulder over and over with a lady disposable razor and then makes her pull off her skin, where Vi bleeds to death. Hank shows up to Isaac's house and wants to know where Jo is, but Maren soon makes mincemeat out of him by pulling him under an upstairs bed. Maren (who shows how evil she is by stepping on Isaac's cat and crushing it to death) is threatened by Isaac with a gun, but Maren makes him fire it towards Liam (just missing him) and then putting a bullet through the floor (this shot is not by mistake). Isaac disappears and wakes up in the covered hot tub, where Maren turns up the temperature and boils him to death. When Liam looks for where Isaac and Jo went, he finds himself suddenly trapped under the floor. Remember the gunshot Isaac put in the floor? He hears the discussion between Isaac and Maren from the time before and the bullet shot through the floor hits Liam right in the neck, killing him (The best sequence in the film because it shows a modicum of thought). Jo is attacked by Hank under the bed, but she hits him with a baseball bat and escapes through a shattered window (Just moments before, none of the windows could be broken or the front door opened. Jo hops out the window, only to be greeted by Maren on the lawn. Jo hops in her car and takes off, driving her car down a road, continuously looking behind her like she is being followed. The next thing that happens almost made me throw my bottle of Coke at my TV screen. Jo stops at Isaac's parents' house and Isaac says, "I'm glad you came to my party!" Jo is doomed to relive this nightmare for all eternity. Director, co-screenwriter, co-producer, cinematographer Stephen Shimek (THE MAZE - 2010 [which I liked]; DUDES & DRAGONS - 2015 [which I didn't like]) keeps the budget low by having a minimum of actors and they all do a pretty good job. The last 30 minutes of the film (besides the convoluted ending) do hold your attention, but all this has been done before and done much better. Don't get me wrong, this is not a badly-made film, just one you have seen done before under different titles. Some may like this film a lot better than I do and I wouldn't blame you. Shimek does have some talent and maybe with a bigger budget, he can wow me.

Bad DTV Genre Films Part 19 (continued): ISLE OF THE DEAD (2016) is one of those bottom of the barrel "SyFy Original Movies" made by The Asylum, those pioneers of awful films who make a mint off of copying big budget films at a fraction of the cost (Fraction may be too much; lets say a pittance). On an uncharted island, Colonel Aiden Wexler (D.C. Douglas) is trying to make the perfect biological weapon: to create better soldiers that don't die, but he creates mindless flesh-craving zombies instead. Ten years later (Why ten years? Why not immediately?), a group of highly-trained soldiers, including Lt. Paul Gibson (Joey "Whoa" Lawrence; he actually says "whoa" in this film, but not in his usual way) and Mikaela (Wrestling diva Maryse Ouellet Mizanin, the wife of WWE superstar "The Miz") are sent to the island by helicopter to collect all the papers they can find in the laboratory. The rest of the film is nothing but the government military group being pared down by zombies as they shoot the zombies in the head. Colonel Wexler, the scientist from the beginning of the film, has injected himself with a serum that makes him a zombie that can live forever, but he keeps all his memories and can talk. Mikaela gets bitten by a zombie and injects herself with the serum, turning her into the same type of zombie as the Colonel Wexler. She gives the serum to Lt. Gibson, the last uninfected person on the island and he is picked up by helicopter and nukes the island. THE END. Director Nick Lyon (ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE - 2011; RISE OF THE ZOMBIES - 2012, two other undead films that suck) has no idea how to pace a film and the acting is so stiff here, you could see branches growing out of their arms. Most of the shots to the head are done by CGI, which also takes you out of the film. This film is not even worth a mindless zombie's time.; THE SHALLOWS (2016) is only good for one thing: Seeing Blake Lively in a bikini. The rest of the film is the same old story about being prevented from coming to shore by an evil-tempered shark. Nancy (Lively) takes a vacation to the favorite Spanish surfing spot of her late mother (much to the dismay of her father and friends, one who was supposed to go with her, but got sick). She goes out about 100 yards and sees something that upsets her: a dead whale with a big chunk bitten out of its side. Soon she is the only one in the area and a shark (both real life footage and mechanical) goes after her, biting her surfboard in half and forcing her to take refuge on the body of the dead whale. It seems that every time Nancy ends up in the water, she gets hurt and this time she has a nasty cut on her upper thigh, so she uses her belt to fashion a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. After what seems like a lifetime, where she watches two divers with cameras being killed by the shark and finds one of the cameras (head not included because this is a PG-13 film) and makes a "save me' video before throwing the camera towards shore, she hops on board a huge metal buoy (but not before getting hurt for like the fourth time) and must fight the shark and kill it in a way not seen before. It is not graphic, but it is interesting. OK, there are two reasons to watch this film. A small Spanish boy finds the camera and gives it to the young Spanish guy Carlos (Óscar Jaenada) who drove Nancy to this location and he finds her on the shore as she is spitting water out of her mouth. So the camera "save me" video did her no good (it just took up time to make the film feature length) and she had to rely on her own wits to kill the shark. Not exactly original, but the shark's death is. A year later, Nancy (with a hugh shark bite scar on her leg), brings her young sister Chloe (Sedona Legge) and Father (Brett Cullen) to the exact spot where she was attacked to teach Chloe how to surf. Is Nancy out of her mind or is she working out some issues from her mother's death? Who fucking cares?. Director/Executive Producer Jaume Collet-Serra (HOUSE OF WAX - 2005; ORPHAN - 2009) and screenwriter Anthony Jaswinski (the excellent VANISHING ON 7TH STREET - 2010) are lazy in their approach of Nancy's urgency. Case in point: Nancy finds a seagull with a dislocated wing (listed as "Sully 'Steven' Seagull" in the credits) and fixes its wing so it can fly. This is not one minute after being attacked by the shark. The entire film is full of scenes such as this (not to mention flares from a flare gun that get wet and only fly about 20 yards, even though flares were made to work when they are wet), which takes any reason the film could have had tension-wise out of contention. If you just want to see Blake Lively in a teenie bikini, fine. But if you want to see a scary film about a killer shark, look someplace else.; LIGHTS OUT (2016) is another one of those PG-13 Rated horror films which manages to show as little as possible while throwing in plenty of jump scares just for the hell of it. Based on the popular 2013 internet short of the same name by David F. Sandberg (who also directed this film), this is one of those "make a horror film for less than $5 million dollars and get your money back (and then some) the first week it is in theaters". This film went on to make nearly $22 million in its first week (and $67 million before its run ended in the U.S., plus $90 million worldwide), making Sandberg the new "it" horror director (He was hired immediately to direct ANNABELLE: CREATION [2017; which made over $35 million on its opening weekend], the sequel to ANNABELLE - 2014, another low-budget, high financial return horror film). One good thing I can say about this short, 81-minute, film, is that it gets to the action right away. The stepfather of a family (a cameo by Billy Burke of TV's ZOO) and his female assistant Esther (Lotta Losten, in her feature film debut) are killed by some demon who is afraid by the light. We then go on to meet disillusioned stepdaughter Rebecca (Teresa Palmer; POINT BREAK - 2015), her stepbrother Martin (Gabriel Bateman; the failed TV series AMERICAN GOTHIC - 2016, and one of the stars of ANNABELLE - 2014) and loony mother Sophie (Maria Bello; ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 - 2005), who once spent a couple of years in a mental institution and somehow brought a demon named Diana (Alicia Vela-Bailey) home with her to keep her company (Diana was once a human friend of Sophie's in the institution and then died, turning her into some kind of demon, which proves that all mental cases may not be what they seem); Sophie's only stipulation is that Diana does not hurt her family in any way. Martin is the only human living in the house with Mom (Rebecca has her own place, and her boyfriend, Bret [Alexander DiPersia], keeps trying, and failing, to get at least some space to put some clothes so he can stay the night), so when stepdad dies and Martin is shaking worse than a 8.0 earthquake, Rebecca decides to move in with Sophie and Martin. Immediately, they are attacked at night when the lights go out, so they learn to carry flashlights and other means of light that don't depend on electricity or battery (Diana can turn off all those devices). In short, Sophie learns never to trust demons and ends up putting a bullet in her brain to save her kids. No Sophie, no Diana, right? The film makes you think so, but if you buy the DVD or Blu-Ray of the film, there is an extra on how the film really ended, but advanced audiences hated it so much, it was cut out of the film (In this instance, I think it was a good idea, although a germ of an idea still remains). All we ever get to see of Diana is her thin silhouette and grotesque hands, which burn when light touches them. Sandberg decided to keep the effects practical (the same way with the light, which makes some of the action difficult to see), which is all fine and dandy, except there are few physical effects in the film. Poor Alicia Vela-Bailey had to wear a photorealistic prosthetic suit, so when the lights went on, her body would disappear from the camera using the green screen technique. While not the worst of the films of this type (OUIJA [2014] would get that honor and both films were shot in the same house and the basement [where a lot of the action take place] caught fire a few months after this film wrapped!), there is not much to recommend here. Which tells me one thing: Just because a short film is successful, doesn't mean a full-length film based on that short will have the same effect. This may scare children, but adults beware.; Zombies have become an over-used theme in recent horror films and I am getting sick of watching them. Double that disappointment with zombie comedies and you have what is called ATTACK OF THE LEDERHOSEN ZOMBIES (2016), a German film (filmed in English, but the few portions filmed in German are subtitled) that is about as funny as watching a live cat being dissected. The plot is simple as can be: Climate change has reduced the amount of snow at ski resorts (this one was filmed at the Mountains of South Tyrol, Italy), so inventor Franz (Karl Fischer) has created a green liquid that can produce instant snow that he hopes to sell to an investor. At the same time, two champion snowboarders, Josh (Oscar Dyekjær Giese) and Steve (Laurie Calvert), jump out of a helicopter, with Steve's girlfriend/producer of this documentary, Branka (Gabriela Marcinková), telling Steve that there is someone important waiting for him at the end point. Steve stops down halfway and strips off all his clothes, only to find out the "special guest" was a nine year-old terminal girl in a wheelchair. The backers of the documentary leave the threesome to get home on their own, as they take the helicopter is disgust and leave them in the lurch. Franz shows the investor how the liquid he has created can make snow, but something goes wrong with the machine and Franz gets a face-full of his own liquid, which turns him into a zombie. As you can guess, he begins turning all the lodge guests into zombies by biting them, so our threesome, plus obese, buxom barmaid Rita (Margarete Tiesel, the best thing about this film), try to find a way to get to civilization, which is impossible by snowboard or skis and they only have one snowmobile (At a ski resort? C'mon now!). Rita saves their asses more times than I can count (the only really good death is when she drops a hinged trap door from a ceiling and it decapitates a zombie). If you are a zombie comedy fan, I'll leave the rest for you to discover, but director/co-writer Dominik Hartl (his first feature length horror feature; his film before this was a romantic comedy) piles on the gore, as you will see ripped-off body parts, intestines falling to the ground, zombies taking big bites out of people and even some zombie deer (fake-looking, but funny). Zombie fans may like this, but I have seen too many to make me appreciate them unless they have a special hook. I was watching this one and thinking to myself: "This is nothing but a seasonal change take on director Jorge Grau's LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE (1974), which are turning the dead into zombies with an experimental machine used to get rid of insects in farming fields." If I were you, I would watch that film instead.; Remember when Ti West was declared the "new thing in horror"? Well, I never cared for his horror films much, which include THE ROOST (2005), THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL (2009), CABIN FEVER 2: SPRING FEVER (2009) and especially the boring piece of crap called THE INNKEEPERS (2011), and after directing episodes of TV Series, such as SCREAM: THE TV SERIES (2015) and WAYWARD PINES (2016), he directed and wrote a Western called IN A VALLEY OF VIOLENCE (2016), which was made by the notorious cheap Producer Jason Blum and his BlumHouse Productions, known for making horror films for less than 5 million dollars and more than making a huge profit in the first week alone. Well, Blum has ventured into Western territory and you can tell this is a BlumHouse film because it has a small cast and only takes place in two areas: A town called Denton and the area surrounding the town (filmed in New Mexico). The plot is simple: An Army deserter named Paul (Ethan Hawke; a BlumHouse regular, with films such as SINISTER [2012] and THE PURGE [2013] made with Jason Blum as Producer), who accidentally killed an Indian woman and adopted her dog, illegally leaving the Army in the process, is on his way to Mexico, when he stops at the town of Denton to stock up on water and supplies. He has sworn to God never to kill a person again, but in Denton, that is an impossibility. At first, Paul knocks out Gilly (James Ransone) for threatening to kill his dog. He is warned by the wooden-legged Marshal (a very interesting John Travolta, who seems to be becoming the new king of DTV) that Gilly is his son, so he better leave town and never come back (Marshal is not a bad man; he is just concerned for his family), even though a girl named Mary-Anne (Taissa Farmiga) has taken an instant shine to Paul (her sister Ellen [Karen Gillan] is pregnant with Gilly's baby). Paul leaves town with his dog and camps out for the night only to be awakened by Gilly and his gang (which includes Larry Fessenden, Toby Huss and Tommy Nohilly) and Paul is forced to watch Gilly shoot and then knife his dog to death. Paul is then thrown off a cliff and left for dead, but the next morning, we see that he didn't fall more than 20 feet, as a ledge stopped him from falling all the way down. Paul talks to God and tells him that he is sorry that he is going to have to break his word about killing, as he vows to get even with everyone who killed his dog (Where have we seen that scenario before?). Paul steals a drunk priest's (Burn Gorman) mule and heads back to Denton, where he begins to pick off Gilly's posse one-by-one. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know how this film ends. Hell, you don't even have to have a brain at all. Marshal is the only one who has sense enough to try and work things out between Paul and Gilly, but Gilly wants a High Noon shootout in the middle of the town's only street and kills his own father to get to Paul. Paul is injured, but gets the upper hand on Gilly by first hanging him ("Why did you kill my dog?!?!" he says to Gilly over and over) and then by beating him across his face with Gilly's own boot, still yelling the question. Paul stops because his injury is serious, so Gilly slowly gets up and pulls out the knife that killed the dog and plans to now use it on Paul. Mary-Anne shows up and shoots and kills Gilly in the back and the film ends as the drunk Preacher enters the town. THE END. Besides Travolta's interesting performance, this film has nothing going for it. It is cheap to the extreme and it takes forever for some action to take place. And we have seen the same plot done over and over at least a hundred times and done much, much better. I don't know what people see in Ti West, but he just seems like a hack to me. Not worth your time unless you are a John Travolta fan.

Bad DTV Genre Films  Part 20 (continued): ELOISE (2016) was a real mental institution that was a large complex located in Nankin Township in western Wayne County, Michigan (filmed on location) from 1832 until a tragic fire in 1984 closed it down (in real life the fire was in 2016, but it did close down in 1984), and in this fictional horror film, it killed many patients and a crazy psychiatric doctor named Dr. H.H. Greiss (Robert Patrick; LOST AFTER DARK - 2014), who treated all his patients based on their worst fears, ending up in causing many deaths. In the present, grease monkey Jacob Martin (Chace Crawford; THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY - 2008), who owes a lot of money to bill collectors and has a stack of "Past Due" letters, learns from a lawyer that his estranged father has died. He agrees to meet the lawyer the next day, who tells Jacob that his father has left him an estate worth $1.2 million, but there is a problem. Unless he can dig up a death certificate for his aunt, who was a patient at Eloise since 1965, he will have to wait seven years to inherit the estate. Needing the money bad, Jacob and his friend Dell (Brandon T. Jackson; PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS: THE LIGHTNING THIEF - 2010, directed by Chris Columbus, who also directed the unfairly maligned PIXELS - 2015) search the internet for someone who is an expert on Eloise and comes up with Scott Carter (P.J. Byrne; who overacts terribly), who is the brother of barmaid Pia Carter (Eliza Dushku; WRONG TURN - 2003). She is against Scott showing Jacob and Dell the asylum, but eventually agrees. They all sneak into the asylum and almost immediately they begin to see things that no one else can see. They eventually end up in 1965, where Dr. Greiss performs a lobotomy on Scott by pushing a metal rod into the corner of his eye and hitting the rod hard with a hammer, killing him (Thank God, he was really getting on my nerves.). Dell goes mad and has a gun in which he shoots at imaginary people and he soon ends up dead. Jacob and Pia are eventually captured, where Dr. Greiss makes them face their worse fears. Jacob is claustrophobic and fears on being buried alive, so Dr. Greiss locks him inside a coroner's cold storage area in one of the small coffin-like spaces in the mortuary. Pia has a huge fear of needles and is subjected to a nurse sticking hypodermic needles in her arm over and over and drawing blood. Pia eventually escapes and takes a nurse uniform, walking the halls looking for Jacob. She finds him and frees him by opening the mortuary cold storage door and they try to get the hell out of Eloise. They see Jacob's aunt have a baby and then die by bleeding to death. It turns out to be Dr. Greiss' baby boy, but a nurse puts it in a box with holes poked in it and gives it to a small girl, who runs away with it. The finale is so inexplicable that I was scratching my head raw, as Jacob is the reason why the fire started in 1984 and only Pia is left alive. We then see Jacob in a small cage as Dr. Greiss approaches him and the film ends with the camera pointed at a painting of a young boy next to a dog. Huh? I must have missed something, as director Robert Legato (His first film, his normal job being a visual effects supervisor) and screenwriter Christopher Borrelli (THE MARINE 2 - 2009) offer nothing new, except for some weird-looking patients that inhabited the institute and an unusual dance between the nurses and the patients. Everything else is DTV 101 and the blood and gore is kept to a minimum. Only Scott's death registers as something worth watching. While not badly made, you can skip this one because it is nothing but your regular DTV movie. Fun Fact: Eloise is one of the most haunted places in Michigan.; SiREN (2016) is a made-for-Chiller film that is based on the short film "Amateur Night" (directed by David Bruckner, who gets screenwriting & executive producer credits here) which is the first short in the film V/H/S (2012). Instead of three guys going to a bar, with one of them wearing eyeglasses with a camera hidden in it, meeting a strange girl named Lily (Hannah Fierman; GONE BY DAWN - 2016), who says "I like you." before killing and eating two of them in a motel room and flying off with the one with glasses (Lily is some kind of gargoyle creature), this film fleshes out Lily's story (also played by Fierman). Four guys drive to Garden City to have a bachelor party for Jonah (Chase Williamson; JOHN DIES AT THE END - 2012), including Jonah's brother Mac (Michael Aaron Milligan; DON'T KILL IT - 2016), his best friend and best man Rand (Hayes Mercure) and friend Elliott (Randy McDowell), for a night of drunken debauchery. They hit a bar that turns out to be a dud, but a stranger lets them know about an underground club called "50n / 40w" where their are plenty of nice girls to party with. They meet the club's owner, Mr. Nyx (Justin Welborn; THE SIGNAL - 2007), who escorts Jonah to a glass booth where he can see a naked Lily and worries about her because she looks like she is being kept prisoner (she is). Jonah breaks Lily out of her booth and they, along with the other three escape from the club. Pretty soon they notice Lily is extremely strange, as she says "I like you" a lot to Jonah. Mr. Nyx and his posse, including a woman named Ash (Brittany S. Hall), who has black worm-like creatures instead of hair on her head (you have to see what she does with them!), are not far away trying to get his star attraction back, when Lily and the guys stop at a convenience store to pick up some food and drinks, but Lily sprouts wings and flies away with Jonah to God knows wherein the woods and she makes love to him before he escapes and runs into Ash. Lily eventually returns, because she really does like Jonah, but the other two guys are somewhat reticent about spending more time with her and for good reason. Jonah begins falling for Lily, as Mr. Nyx captures Lily and Jonah and Rand. Nyx has a special necklace that keeps Lily in line, as they all are in an abandoned church used for satanic rituals. Mr. Nyx is so pissed at Lily, he wants Jonah to control Lily (who is naked throughout the entire film) with the necklace, but Jonah refuses and Mac shows up in time to save both Lily's and his brother's lives, but Mr. Nyx kills Mac by stabbing him in his stomach and slitting his throat with his knife and he approaches Jonah and a tied-up Rand to kill them. Lily sneaks up behind him (and also uses her singing voice to control people) and, when he turns around, she shoves her pointy tail through Nyx's mouth and out the back of his head. Lily wants to go with Jonah, but he tells her it will never work. Besides, he is in love with his fiance Eva (Lindsey Garrett). One year later, one their first anniversary, Jonah and Eva have sex in the upstairs bedroom and Jonah goes downstairs to get something to drink out of the refrigerator, when he notices Eva asleep on the couch. Jonah realizes he just had sex with Lily and she attacks Eva, ready to kill her. Jonah tells Lily to stop and he will go with her. The final shot is of Lily flying through the air to God knows where with Jonah as her passenger. While not an awful film (at least it is not a found footage film like V/H/S), there is so much nudity in this film, you can spot the edits (but on the other hand, besides a couple of "fucks", all the foul language is kept in the Chiller TV version) and we do get to see frequent shots of Lily's naked ass. Besides a creepy Hannah Fierman as Lily, the only other actor to register is Justin Welborn (THE CRAZIES - 2009) as Mr. Nyx. He is actually more evil than Lily. Director Gregg Bishop (DANCE OF THE DEAD - 2008; V/H/S VIRAL - 2014) tries his best to upgrade the short film (This version has much better CGI), but the problem is how do you upgrade something that doesn't need upgrading? Though Bishop tries unique ways to cover Lily's naked breasts and vagina, a lot of the nudity is blurred out. Get the Unrated DVD if you want to see the entire magilla. But don't expect more than what you saw and heard on the Chiller TV version. I never heard so much swearing and foul terms used for body parts on a non-pay cable TV movie. A nice try, but do something original the next time.; If there was one film that never screamed for a sequel (or in this case, a prequel), it was OUIJA, one of the worst PG-13 Rated horror films of 2014. But Producer Jason Blum and his BlumHouse Productions never know when to quit because they make cheap $5 million horror films (usually Rated PG-13), where they make back ten times their budget in the first week and then they quickly go to home video and pay cable. Well, Blum decided to spend $9 million on making OUIJA: ORIGIN OF EVIL (2016) and it only grossed $14 million the first week of release and it was one of his company's biggest disappointments, earning just $31 million in U.S. theaters (The first film earned over $105 million in theaters on a $5 million budget). Director/co-screenwriter Mike Flanagan (ABSENTIA - 2011, an arthouse horror film that I love) at least keeps the prequel true to the first film as, in 1967, a mother and her two daughters, after the death of their husband/father after he is hit by a drunk driver (The mother being a fake medium), get an Ouija Board and nine year-old daughter Doris (Lulu Wilson) becomes possessed by the evil spirits in the house, where, in the basement, there is a secret room where a Nazi doctor ("The Devil's Doctor") performed evil experiments on people, killing them. Like in all horror films where Ouija Boards are used, the evil is terrible (well, as terrible as a PG-13 film can get) and the older daughter Lina (Annalise Basso) ends up sewing Doris' mouth shut (we don't see her do it, just Lina going through the actions with a doctor's hook with thread attached to it) and is then taken over by the evil spirits, kills her mother Alice (Elizabeth Reaser) and ends up in a mental asylum, where there is a shock ending (Once again the killing of the mother is implied, not shown). Henry Thomas also stars as Father Thomas, the Principal of the Catholic school where Doris and Lina are students, who tries to help the family, only to be possessed and then have his neck snapped by Doris in the basement, who crawls on the ceiling and throws the Father onto the basement stairs. The only effective scenes in the film are when Doris explains in detail what it feels like to be strangled to Lina's new boyfriend Mikey (Parker Mack), Doris being able to open her mouth wider than any human is able to, a 78 rpm record music score made up of 1920's songs for "atmosphere" and an effective stinger after the end credits that links it directly to the first film that takes place in the present (I'll never tell!). The problem with this film is that, if it were Rated R, it would be allowed to show much of the violence that this film pulls away from (there is also a scene involving a slingshot that would have been much more effective with an R-Rating). All it is is jump scares and evil faces made by Doris (Lulu Wilson is the best actor in this film. You actually believe she is evil as she grabs people by their head, whispers something into their ears and they all end up possessed and then usually dead, all except for Lina). I'm beginning to hate seeing the BlumHouse logo in the beginning of horror films because I like about 10% of them. The only reason most of them are Rated PG-13 is because they can put more asses in the theater seats than with an R-Rated film. And they suck for this reason alone. Avoid it like the plague.; Speaking of Jason Blum and BlumHouse Production, there's the terrible INCARNATE (2013/2016), another one of his PG-13 Rated horror films with a budget of $5 million that they hoped would clean-up at the boxoffice. Whoops, it only made $6,337,659 by the end of 2016, making it one of BlumHouse Productions' biggest money losers in their career (But, believe me, they can afford to have ten money losers. A 2016 poll of the best money making film companies show BlumHouse to be Number One with $6.30 returned for every dollar a person spends to see their movies, making it a 630% profit!). Right away, I had the sense that this film had some production troubles (I was right. It was filmed in November 2013, released in December 2016, and the end credits lists an "Additional Photography" team. And just what did the WWE have to do with this film?) because the film only runs 80 minutes, followed by 10 minutes of the slowest moving end credits I have seen in quite a while (to pad out the running time). The storyline is rather idiotic. Dr. Ember (the always capable Aaron Eckhart; SUSPECT ZERO - 2004) loses his wife and young son in an accident caused by a demon named Debbie (A demon named Debbie? Was she a cheerleader in real life? You have to be kidding me!). Dr. Ember is now permanently in a wheelchair, but ever since he was young, he had the ability to enter in the mind of people possessed by demons and bring them back to reality, but doing so is dangerous to him because he has to be temporarily dead in order to do it. For most of his life, he has hidden his gift, but since the death of his wife and child, he has brought his power out into the open, using his associates Oliver (Keir O'Donnell; AMUSEMENT - 2007) and Riley (Emily Jackson; HEADLESS - 2014) to make sure he is dead for no more than ten minutes and then bring him back to life before his death is permanent. Dr. Ember is always on the lookout for the demon Debbie to bring out into the open (She cannot possess anyone if no one is near her and she can't repossess the person she just possessed, Confusing, isn't it?). That chance comes to Dr. Ember when Debbie possesses a young boy named Cameron (David Mazouz; THE DARKNESS - 2016, another BlumHouse production) by entering the body of a homeless woman and she crawls on the ceiling of his divorced mother's Lindsey's (Carice van Houten; "Melisandre" in GAME OF THRONES [2012 - 2017]; her ex-husband, Dan [Matt Nable] is an alcoholic, but he will soon end up dead) kitchen ceiling and falls directly on Cameron, instantly possessing him (Walking on walls and ceilings are a trademark of BlumHouse horror films). When Dr. Ember discovers it is Debbie possessing Cameron, he and his team enter Lindsey's house and set up shop. A priest friend gives Dr. Ember a serum he should take when he draws Debbie out (the priest ends up dead), which will give him 10 seconds to leave the room and leave Debbie without a human body to possess, sending her permanently to Hell. Like all BlumHouse productions, Dr. Ember does everything by the book (he jumps out the window and eventually ends up dead), but the ending shows that Debbie is still able to travel to another body, leaving the film wide open for a sequel. But don't look for a sequel to this film any time soon, since BlumHouse lost money on it. Just like all their PG-13 films, there are jump scares, but very little blood and you would think after sitting through 10 minutes of closing credits, there would be a stinger or two, but no, it just ends. Director Brad Peyton (SAN ANDREAS - 2015) does what he can with a confusing screenplay by Ronnie Christensen, but when you are handed shit, it is almost impossible to turn it into gold. And this film is a pure unadulterated Grade-A #1 steaming pile of shit. Nothing to see here, move on please, but watch where you step!; I really wanted to like ATTACK OF THE KILLER DONUTS (2016), but sloppy continuity and a lackluster script do more harm than good. The story is about slacker Johnny Wentworth (Justin Ray) who is in his mid-20's and still working at a donut shop (which never seems to sell any donuts!). His mother (Kassandra Voyagis) wants him to be more assertive and make something of his life, but he's in love with Veronica (Lauren Elise), who uses him as a bank and cheats on him as much as humanly possible. His best friend since high school and co-worker, Michelle (Kayla Compton), sees Veronica for what she really is and she has the hots for Johnny. The killer donuts come into play when Uncle Luther (Micheal Swan, and yes I know Michael is spelled wrong, but this film is full of sloppiness) invents a serum to elongate human life and it accidently gets tossed into the donut fryer, causing all the free donuts they give away to grow teeth and attack the customers. The only known actor in this exercize in tediousness is C. Thomas Howell (credited as "C. Tommy Howell" in the closing credits) as Police Officer Rogers (His partner's name is Officer Hammerstein. "Rogers & Hammerstein". Get it? Ugh!!!!). He stops in the donut shop to pick up some free donuts and a perp he has handcuffed in the back seat of the patrol vehicle asks for a donut, which he readily gives him. Big Mistake. The perp slams Rogers & Hammerstein's heads together and kicks the back door of the car off and escapes (When the officers wake up, the door has been magically attached back to the car. There are too many of these sloppy scenes to mention.).  The rest of the film is about Johnny, Michelle and Johnny's good friend Brian (Burt Rutherford, who is fucking Johnny's mother!) trying to stop the killing by getting back all the donuts they gave away. While there are some gory scenes (including the disgusting scene of the perp "shatting" himself to death!), the story makes absolutely no sense and it is filmed in a way that one scene begins with no connective tissue to the last scene. Directed by Visual Effects Producer Scott Wheeler (which is probably why the CGI killer donuts look better than they have any right to), who has also directed films for The Asylum (JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH - 2008), which would explain the weak screenplay (It took three people to write this mess. I'll refrain from naming them to protect the guilty.). While played as a broad comedy, most of the jokes fall flatter than bread made without yeast and a good percentage of the acting is way below-par. Do yourself a favor and eat a bearclaw instead.; I really wanted to like ISLAND ZERO (2016) since it started out so creepy and foreboding, but then it turns into a cheesy CGI monster flick, destroying all the forboding creepiness. Everyone on a small island in Maine is stranded when the ferry never shows up from the mainland. As fuel, electricity and food become scarce, the residents begin turning on each other until an ocean biologist (Adam Wade McLaughlin) tells themm that there is an "apex predator" out in the ocean, a creature that has thus far been unknown to humanity. It turns out these creatures, who have skin that refracts light, making them nearly invisible, are intelligent and there is a person on the island who is not who he says he is. He's actually a government agent sent to the island to communicate with the creatures, who tear people in half and rip out their innards, They are not only in the water, they can also survive on land for short periods of time, so all the remaining residents hide out in a house while the creatures attack. The sad fact is these creatures are awful CGI creations and, while bloody and gory, they are not that scary. Toss in a huge amount of coincidences (the biologist's late wife was killed by one of these creature; the biologist's young daughter has a thermal camera, the only device that can "see" the creatures; etc.) and people doing the stupidest things and what you have left is a film that held promise but falls apart rather quickly when the creatures are introduced. Director Josh Gerritsen, working with a screenplay supplied by wife Tess, does populate the film with real Maine actors, giving it an air of authenticity, but the film, made in 2016, but not released until 2018, is no better than a SyFy original movie. Proceed at your own risk.; ONE BY ONE (2016) is a sick Spanish knock-off of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (1978), but it is too disjointed and badly acted  to be worthwhile. The film opens with John (Steven Jeram) delivering a satchel containing a huge amount of coke to three-man motorcycle gang leader Cuchillo (Guillem Fernàndez-Valls). We then see John bragging to girlfriend Sentenza (Elisabetta Montonato) that they are now rich because he cut the coke he gave to Cuchillo and they can now go anywhere they please. Sentenza says that it is dangerous to cheat such a mean person, but John tells her not to worry, if and when Cuchillo finds out the coke is cut, they will be so far away, he will never find them. So what happens next? That's right, Cuchillo and his gang of two, Rider (Carlos Reyes) and Santos (Oliver Novelles), show up right where John and Sentenza are lounging (they don't even try to hide themselves!) and Cuchillo rapes Sentenza while Rider and Santos beat the crap out of John. When Cuchillo is done, he gives Sentenza to his mates and they rape her, too. When they are done, they put John in a hole, pour gasoline on him and set him on fire (off-screen). Sentenza watches her boyfriend burn alive (all we hear are his screams) as the gang rides away (Rider and Santos want to kill Sentenza, but Cuchillo says leave her alone, she will not cause any trouble. Yeah, right!). Sentenza then toughens herself up, learning how to shoot a gun (by herself!), ride a motorcycle and other things she will need, so she can kill Cuchillo and his gang one-by-one. First of all, this film looks like it was edited with a trowel, as things just happen without any rhyme or reason, such as the scene where Cuchillo and his gang have the detective (Sebi Alcaraz) assigned to the case tied to a pole as Cuchillo skins him alive with his sharp knife, finishing him off by pinning his badge on his bare chest and Cuchillo then sticking his knife into his mouth. We have no idea how Cuchillo and his gang captured the detective, he just shows up tied to a post. Sentenza then sees the detective tied to the post and shoots him in the head! The only reason I watched this short film (It only runs 71 minutes, but the film itself only runs 63 minutes, the rest of it is the very long end credits), was because the synopsis read: "It contains one of the most vicious scenes in cinema." That "vicious scene" would be Cuchillo capturing another girl named Samantha (Cintia Ballbé), but instead of raping her, he stabs her over and over in the vagina with his knife, the camera giving us a close-up view of him doing it! It comes out of nowhere (Cuchillo tells Rider and Santos that they are going on a "cunt hunt"!) and took this viewer by surprise, but it seems that it was only added to shock the audience, as it does nothing to advance the plot, which is paper-thin anyway. While we expect Sentenza's revenge will be nasty, it isn't, because she just simply shoots them one-by-one, no blood, no gore, they just die, even Cuchillo. Freshman director/screenwriter Stefan Ruf (whose next film would be SEX TERRORISTS ON WHEELS - 2018) has no idea on how to frame a scene, even when Sentenza traps the gang in an area where there are many hand-made crosses sticking out of the ground. He also tries to get us to believe that this is taking place somewhere in the western United States, but everyone has Spanish accents, some so thick, I had to turn on the subtitles to understand what they were saying! Even though it runs a little over an hour, it seems three times as long, as Ruf also tries to get us to believe that Sentenza taught herself how to become a silent killer who is an expert with a gun and a motorcycle, failing spectacularly. Don't waste your time with this one, folks, it is not even good for an unintentional chuckle. The music soundtrack sounds like some cheap Spaghetti Western knock-off. If you must watch it, Amazon Prime offers it streaming, free to Prime members. All non-members have to pay for the "privilege".; FLORA (2016) can be considered an arthouse horror film, where nature runs amok, but it is far too long and contains some sloppy writing, as well as some amateurish acting, to be anything but an acquired taste. I should have known something was wrong when the posters for the film claims it won many awards at film festivals around the world, but as we all know, that means nothing in real life. The film takes place in 1929 at some unknown thick forest (filmed in Canada), where a crew of Ivy League college students, some of them botanists, are studying the local flora. They become trapped in the area when they discover that all of their food supplies have been burned by their professor, who has disappeared, leaving no clues as to where he has gone. With the nearest drop-off of supplies a month away, the group must find a way to survive, but food is scarce, because there are no animals in the forest, no fish in the water  and no insects anywhere to be found. What could cause all living things, besides plants, to suddenly disappear? It turns out to be a new kind of fungi, which travels around just like pollen, has infected all living, breathing things, causing them to die painful deaths. The fungi begins to kill members of the group, who are going hungry and must find something to eat, causing their throats to close and die from lack of oxygen. The remaining four of the group still left alive decide to walk to some railroad tracks over 200 miles away, in hopes of stopping a train and getting themselves away from harm. Not only is this hard to swallow for the viewer (pardon the pun), especially since the fungi seems to have the capacity to think and strike back (!), as the survivors walk every day wearing gas masks and gear to keep the fungi from infecting their lungs, clothes and body. Only one of them survives and makes it to the railroad tracks. She hears a train approaching and the film ends with the survivor looking towards the unseen train. This film leaves more questions unanswered than answered (How do you stop a train on the tracks when there is no station for it to stop at? Do you throw yourself on the tracks and hope the train stops?) and the way the fungi attacks the group is very uneven, especially one the last persons to get infected. It's just very sloppy writing. The film also runs about thirty minutes too long, as I was hoping for the film to conclude, but it kept slogging along until the uneventful ending, where I threw up my hands in frustration, hoping for a sensible ending, but not getting it. Freshman director Sasha Louis Vukovic sure could have used an editor for his screenplay, especially some of the hoary dialogue, which tries to get us believe the "hip" 1920's dialogue, but it just doesn't sound normal coming out of the mouths of the amateur actors, many of them who were also producers of the film. One of the members even brings a gramophone into the forest and uses it as his personal iPod! Some of the make-up effects are excellent, but there's really not much to recommend here besides some lush, colorful photography, which is nearly ruined by the digital cameras being used to film this flick. Some people may enjoy this meandering film, but those looking for a decent ecothriller are advised to look elsewhere. This isn't the film for you. Watch THE LONG WEEKEND (1977) instead.; The entire time I was watching THE SHADOW PEOPLE (2016), a wave of deja vu rushed over me, as if I had already seen the film. It turns out I was right, this is nothing but a cheap remake of 1973's NIGHTMARE, starring David Hemmings and his then-wife Gayle Hunnicutt. In this update, Andrew (Bug Hall) is driving his wife Megan (Kat Steffens) down a dark street in the pouring rain so they can get to their new house. A girl darts out in front of the car, causing Andrew to swerve off the road and into some mud, the car getting stuck. Rather than calling and waiting for a tow truck, they decide to run the quarter mile to their new home. Yes, these people are idiots. As soon as Megan enters her new home (she is a painter and Andrew is a successful author of books on the paranormal, but is not a believer. Of course he isn't!), she begins to catch quick glimpses of horrifying-looking faces staring at her through the house's many windows with their mouths wide open, as if they are trying to tell her something. These "Shadow People" include an old man and woman, a man in a cowboy hat and a sinister priest (played by C. Thomas Howell). As the days and nights pass and the rain never lets up, Megan continues to see these Shadow People, but Andrew refuses to believe her, even though they are very much in love (it's sickening the way they continue to kiss and fondle each other!). Andrew believes Megan has a high fever and wants to take her to a doctor, but she refuses to leave the house, even swinging a hoe at him to get him to stop dragging her out of the house ("This is MY house!"). When fires starts breaking out in the house for no reason at all, Megan begins to get worse and worse and Andrew fares no better, as Megan keeps seeing him dead in bed. So, are the Shadow People to blame, as Megan explains to Andrew that she has the "gift" to see them ever since her grandfather told her they were real (and dying soon afterward)? Legend states that if you begin seeing Shadow People, that means you don't have very long to live. Andrew still doesn't believe, that is until he sees the priest, who begins quoting the Last Rites at them both. What's the kicker? If you haven't guessed already, in the beginning of the film, their car did not survive the near hit of the girl. Instead, the car overturns and Andrew dies at the wheel. A mortally wounded Megan is trapped in the car, which is on fire, as an emergency crew worker (in a cowboy hat) and an elderly couple tell her to hold on, the jaws of life will get her out or the car. Once out of the car, a priest (Howell) gives Megan the Last Rites, tells her to "let go" and then she dies. Yes, everything that seemingly happened for days and nights on end was going through Megan's mind in a matter of minutes, as she is sitting in the overturned wrecked car next to her dead husband, slowly dying in the pouring rain. This two-character supernatural horror film, directed by Brian T. Jaynes and written by David Wilson, is a total rip-off of the previously-mentioned 1973 film, and it can't begin to hold up when compared to that film, as the two actors here are no Hemmings or Hunnicutt by a long shot (Who in the hell would name their son "Bug"?). All this film has are one jump scare after the next and, truthfully, they aren't that scary. C. Thomas Howell is in the film for two minutes maximum, even though he gets star billing (it could have something to do with him being one of the Executive Producers on the film!). Overlong at a mere 78 minutes, it seems three times as long, as the film just plods along, Andrew continually praising his love for Megan and she for him, even if he doesn't believe a word she is saying. This film is so cheap that when Andrew calls for the Sheriff to come over when he sees the evil priest, it cuts to Megan waking up after passing out and Andrew telling her the Sheriff arrived, but then left when he didn't see anything! I realize that this is all fragmented due to Megan's dying condition, but it could have been done so much better with some talent in front of and behind the camera. As it stands now, it's just a boring supernatural tale with a pay-off that anyone with a working brain could see coming. Avoid at all costs. You'll thank me later. Not to be confused with the film SHADOW PEOPLE (2012), which is a much more truthful (although equally boring) take on the legend.

Bad DTV Genre Films  Part 21 (continued): While I applaud SyFy for attempting to go back to their roots, especially during their "31 Days Of Halloween", where they are making original films that don't rely on giant ridiculous CGI monsters or movies from The Asylum, not every one can be a winner. Such is the case with NEVERKNOCK (2017; pardon the photos, as there is no advertising material...yet). On Halloween in 1986, three kids died while attempting to knock on the door of a haunted house on 59 Oakwood Lane. When a young policeman arrives, he finds the older boy dead with "NEVER NEVER KNOCK" carved into his back. In the film's most inventive sequence, we find out how legends are born over 30 years through newscasts on TV. (You have to see it to appreciate it.) Grace (Dominique Provost-Chalkley) and her younger sister Jenna (Lola Flanery) agree to go out on a night of trick or treating with fellow students Sydney (Eliana Jones), Amy (Kiana Madeira), Ben (Jack Fulton) and Leah (Jodelle Ferland). To prove she is scared of nothing, the younger Jenna climbs the chain link fence (and cuts her hand) at 59 Oakwood Lane and knocks on the door. Everyone is shocked to see the door absorb Jenna's blood and not soon after a creature of some sort begins stalking the group, using their worst fears against them after Jenna disappears. The creature (thankfully, not a CGI creation, but a man [Troy James] in a suit) attacks and kills Amy first. She has a severe scare of needles, so the creature has needles come out of its hands and puncture her to death. Ben has a severe fear of blood, so everyone he sees has blood coming out of every orifice. Grace watched her mother burn alive in a car fire and has a severe fear of it. The creature manages to kill almost everyone except Grace and Leah, who are rescued by Officer Rance (Nicholas Campbell; TRAPPED - 1982). He tells the girls he was the young officer who found the boy with the words carved on his back and for the past 30 years has been doing research on the house. It seems it is not the house that is the problem, but the house's front door, which was once the entryway to a warehouse until a string of murders happened. The door was transplanted to the house, where it remains till this day. Leah, who has a fear of dogs, imagines she is being chased by a doberman from her childhood. Officer Rance is killed by the creature and so is Leah, but Grace finds sister Jenna inside 59 Oakwood Lane with her hands nailed to the wall. The only way to defeat the creature is to not be afraid and leave it to Jenna, the youngest of the group, to defeat the creature by saying "I'm not afraid of you any more!" and destroys the door. Director/screenwriter/executive producer Sheldon Wilson (The sleeper SHALLOW GROUND - 2004; KAW - 2007; SCREAMERS: THE HUNTING - 2009; MOTHMAN - 2010; SCARECROW - 2013) does provide some effective scenes, especially the sequence inside a maze made of bales of hay and the creature is creepy, but the story is something that you have seen many times before. I was expecting more from Wilson and didn't get it.; LIFE (2017) is one of those films where the parts are better than the whole. A group of scientists on an International Space Station pick up a probe that took samples from Mars and soon discover a single cell that shows life. Soon, the single cell starts growing into an ever-growing intelligent octopus-like translucent creature with flat tentacles that begins killing all the scientists. In the film's most effective scene, the creature enters the mouth of Rory Adams (Ryan Reynolds, who gets top billing, but is only in the movie about 40 minutes because he was filming THE HITMAN'S BODYGUARD at the same time.) after he tries to kill it with a flame thrower and blood comes pouring out of his mouth in a gravity-free environment (It really is creepy). The creature exits Rory's dead body and starts to pick off the rest of the crew. This is where the film's major problems occur. No matter what protocol is in place, one of the scientists manages to breaks it, which would not happen in real life. The creature can live both in space and in oxygen, so one of the female Russian scientists, Ekaterina Golovkina (Olga Dihovichnaya), puts on a space suit to try to capture it (This is after they decide to kill it!) and the creature enters her spacesuit and drains all the water out of her body and she drowns in her own suit. The creature always finds a way to get into impenetrable places and gets back into the space station and begins killing off the scientists one-by-one. Soon, all that are left are David Jordan (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Miranda North (Rebecca Ferguson) and they decide to take off in separate escape pods in an attempt not to bring the creature to Earth. David decides to to sacrifice himself and take the escape pod into deep space, while Miranda takes her escape pod to Earth. In a surprise twist everyone saw coming, the creature enters David's pod and it enters Earth's atmosphere, while Miranda's pod flies out to deep space (I told you this creature was intelligent). The pod splashes down in Japanese waters and two fishermen goes to the capsule. David pleads with them not to open the pod, but they don't understand English and open it. What happens next is left to our imagination. Besides some great creature CGI effects and the scientists moving fast through the gravity-free station to avoid the creature, the film is a total dud. It was released to theaters, where it bombed and was quickly dumped on VOD, disc and cable. Director Daniel Espinosa (SAFE HOUSE - 2012; also with Ryan Reynolds) tries his best to make an effective Sci-Fi film , but he is let down by Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick's screenplay, where the scientists do the worst possible things at the worst possible times (These scientists wouldn't pass an Astronaut Training Camp). The creature sure is impressive, though. Too bad the film stinks.; Director/screenwriter/co-producer Victor Salva's (I get sick to my stomach writing his name, but as a critic I have to learn to separate the art from the artist, but you don't) JEEPERS CREEPERS III (2017) is so much worse than the first two films and I'll explain why. First of all, it was announced to have a Spring 2017 release, then a Summer release and then a VOD release. It ended up making its premiere on the SyFy Network just before Halloween! Second of all, the film spends way too much time on The Creeper (Jonathan Breck, who played him in the first two films). So much time, in fact, that The Creeper no longer seems scary. In the first two films, The Creeper's screen time was minimal, which made his appearance a lot more scary. And a lot of time is also spent on The Creeper's truck (you know the one, a 1941 Chevrolet Heavy-Duty COE [Cab Over Engine] whose license plate reads "BEATNGU" [Be Eating You]) The truck is filled with many booby traps like a bone spear shooting out of its tailpipe connected to a steel wire that impales one teenager's leg. While there are a few effective scenes in the film (like the slow motion sequence of Sheriff Tashtego [Stan Shaw; THE MONSTER SQUAD - 1987] firing a high power malfunctioning machine gun bolted to a military vehicle and the bullets passing through the flying Creeper) but the biggest surprise of all is how ugly they made Gaylen Brandon (Meg Foster) look. She looks scarier than The Creeper itself and talks to the ghost of her dead son Kenny (Jordan Sallou; Spike Lee's remake of OLDBOY - 2013), who was killed by The Creeper, but not before cutting off The Creeper's hand and burying it.). All Gaylen's daughter Addison (Gabrielle Haugh) sees is her Mother talking to herself. Mom digs where Kenny told her he buried The Creeper's hand but warns her not to do it. She does it anyway and finds The Creeper's hand is still moving and the Creeper is conscious of that fact. Whomever holds the hand is in for a nasty experience. There is some bloody stuff, like The Creeper throwing a carved bone spear (Like in JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 [2003]) just at the right time to impale two teenagers to a tree. Unfortunately, hardly any of the film makes much sense, (I guess the biggest explanation is for Sheriff Tashtego to stop The Creeper from collecting enough bodies to eat ["Every 23 years for 23 days it gets to eat"; Salva must have a thing for the number 23, because in his film DARK HOUSE {2014}, that number plays an important part in the hackneyed plot], but by the huge body count in this film [including the Sheriff himself], he fails miserably)  as the Creeper proves he cannot be killed (we already knew that from the first film) and Gina Philips returns from the first JEEPERS CREEPERS (2001) as Trish in what amounts to a thankless cameo role in the finale, leaving room for yet another sequel/prequel. Victor Salva (ugh, my stomach!) failed to learn to keep the monster's appearance to a minimum amount of time, like he did in 1 & 2. Here, The Creeper has at least 80% of the screen time and the films ends with Buddy Hooks (Chester Rushing; who has so many freckles on his face and body, it looks like he has the Measles!) boarding a school bus heading for a basketball championship game. I guess Salva (I pooped my pants!) the screenwriter wanted it to look like a prequel to JC2, but the story here doesnt jive with that film. In this film, the Creeper has finished his 23 days. but in JC2, the Creeper was very much active. If he was going for such an inference, the story should have been much different and it should have been called JEEPERS CREEPERS 1.5. That's 70% too much screen time for the Creeper. With all the sex scandals going on (at the time this review was written, Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey [who finally admitted he was gay!] were being blamed for raping or sexually abusing over 50 women and boys), it wouldn't surprise me if Hollywood was punishing Salva (barf bag not included) for being a convicted pedophile by releasing this first to SyFy. If this theory is true, it will be a long, long time before he directs another film. So if you are one of those sick bastards who enjoys his films (Child Protective Services must be present when he films kids or teenagers) and even I have to admit he has made some good films (NATURE OF THE BEAST - 1995; POWDER - 1995; ROSEWOOD LANE - 2011), it will probably be years before you see another film directed by him. NOTE: According to the IMDb, Salva (I just threw up in my mouth a little!) has a film in Pre-Production titled THE OLD HAG SYNDROME (Release Date Unknown). How much do you want to bet that this film never gets made? NOTE #2: The DVD is advertising this film as a sequel to the first film and a prequel to the second. It makes a little sense, but I stand by my review. I had to laugh when one reviewer on Amazon stated: "Every time someone watches this film, God kills a kitten."!; STICKMAN (2017) is director/writer Sheldon Wilson's (NEVERKNOCK - 2017; THE HOLLOW - 2015; SCARECROW - 2013) last of SyFy's original movies for their "31 Days of Halloween" movie marathon. If it reminds you a litttle more than the plot of CANDYMAN (1992) you would probably be right. When she was ten, Emma was sent to the loony bin for killing her mother and younger sister. Emma has always pleaded innocent,  saying a creature was responsible for the murders, for the only way to bring him to life is to say his name (Just once instead of three), An adult Emma (Hayley Law) refuses to tell anyone the killer's name (because it will bring him back to life), but she has the poem that she keeps close to her person which does mention The Stickman's name. Emma is sent to a Halfway house, where a wiseass girl steals Emma poem and says The Stickman's name out loud. Unable to convince anyone that this idiotic girl has unleased the ultimate evil. The Stickman (a creature with movable thin branches all over his body) begins to dispatch the girls and orderlies at the Halfway House. This creature is able to make deadly branches grow out of anything made of wood and even infects a girl over the telephone, with branches growing out of her mouth. Jeremy (Erik Knudsen), and old schoolmate of Emma's and fellow mental patient confesses to Emma that he put the poem in Emma sister's knapsack (he found it behind a brick in his basement wall) and it was Emma sister who got Mom and sis dead. Emma makes Jeremy work with her to destroy the thing, but how do they do it that is wood's biggest enemy? Fire, of course, so Emma  and Jeremy light him up, until someone in the future mentions his name again. Now wasn't that easy? Not like THE HOLLOW where the beast made of twigs has fire in his mouth, but doesn't burn up. Sheldon Wilson seems to be SyFy's go-to guy for original movies, but the only film he ever made that I found interesting was 2004's SHALLOW GROUND. Otherwise he is a typical SyFy director, the only difference being is that he uses as little CGI as possible and prefers men in monster suits.; THE EYES (2017) is a totally predictable crime thriller that we have seen dozens of times before. Six people wake up tied to chairs in a locked room around a table. A digital clock is above them and a disguised voice on a loud speaker gives them two hours to decide which one is going to live. After freeing themselves from their ropes and introducing themselves to each other, Harry (Vincent Pastore), a degenerate womanizer who found God is the first to be killed when he rushes through the locked door after some masked men with masks and an Oriental woman enter the room with coffee and donuts. Now the five prisoners must open up about their lives. Victoria (Ana Isabelle) was a Miss Puerto Rico who has become an adult film star; Arnold (Steven Hauck) is a college professor; Robby (Greg Davis Jr.) was a normal man who got behind on the bills and became a big-time losing gambler; Jeffrey (Danny Flaherty) is a foul-mouthed twenty-something and Jaclyn (Megan West) is a lawyer; but the voice on the intercom says they will have to do better than that. They have all committed deadly crimes and he wants them to tell the others in the group what they did. Victoria said that she killed an adult film producer by running him over in a car, but she also killed a baby in the process (which she purposely leaves out of the conversation). Arnold says he murdered a college student Andy because he was gay and had sex with Andy when he was 10 years old. Robby murdered his wife and his wife's lover when he found them in bed together. Arnold makes a run for the door when it is opened again and is killed. The disguised voice turns out to be an FBI Agent named Charlie (Nicholas Turturro) who wants everyone to tape their crimes so there is no doubt that they are guilty. Jeffrey runs through the door and is shot and Charlie yells out the door, "I told you to keep this door locked!" Everyone admits to their crimes on camera and then it is Jacyln's turn. Turns out she was once convicted of murder in New Jersey, but was found not guilty. She thinks no matter what she says will be double jeopardy, so she admits to stealing a man's money from an offshore account and when he found out she poisoned him and his wife in Delaware and dropped their car off a cliff in New Jersey. Since we never saw anyone actually die, Charlie brings out a very much alive Arnold, Robbie and Jeffrey and a female FBI Agent arrests Jaclyn, saying double jeopardy doesn't apply since the murders actually happened in Delaware, not New Jersey. All the other people were actors hired by Charlie to play their roles. The film closes with everyone celebrating with a shot overhead of the camera ("The Eyes" of the title) watching them. I guessed the ending of the film from the first death of Arnold. Everyone gets killed when they walk or run through the door and we never see them die. Director Robbie Bryan (iMURDERS - 2008) and screenwriter Robert T. Roe offer no suspense, just talk, talk, talk, with absolutely no surprises. This actually reminds me of a 2006 film called UNKNOWN, where 5 officers and detectives wake up in an inescapable warehouse and must figure out why they are there. The first one to do so will live. It is absolutely Hitchcockian when compared to this film, which has the audacity to end with a quote from the Bible! I'll end this review with my own quote from the Bible: If thine eyes offend thee, pluck them out rather than watcheth this film (Sorry Jesus).; FIRST KILL (2017). Bruce Willis must like working with director Steven C. Miller. He appeared in two previous film by Miller (EXTRACTION - 2015; MARAUDERS - 2016) and, while I liked the two previous films, this one is not so good. It was shot in 14 days and looks it. The story is rushed and the main star (not Willis) is quite amateurish in his delivery. The story centers on Danny (Ty Shelton), a young boy who is always getting beat up in school by a bully. To toughen him up, his investment banker father Will (Hayden Christensen) decides to take him to the small town of Granville, Ohio (filmed on location), where they go for a short while to stay with Aunt Dottie (Deb Girdler). Dad decides to take Danny on his first deer-hunting trip. First, he teaches Danny how to shoot a rifle (Sure, that will toughen him up!) and then they go on the hunting trip. While in the woods, Will and Danny spot two people in the distance, Charlie (Shea Buckner) and Levi (Gethin Anthony). They are arguing over money that Levi has from a big bank heist he has hidden from his partners. Charlie shoots Levi in the chest and then hears Danny make a sound. Charlie begins shooting in their direction, so Will has no other choice but to fire back. Will kills Charlie, only to find out that he was a cop. Levi is still alive, so Will puts him in the truck and brings him back to the cabin, where wife Laura (Megan Leonard), who is a nurse, patches him up on Will's orders. Quicker then you can say "instantly healed", Levi makes a miraculous recovery and takes Danny as a hostage, telling Will that he will return Danny when he retrieves the money that he has hidden (He threw a key befoire he was shot, which both Will and Danny saw where it landed). Will retrieves the key, while Danny finds out that Levi is not such a bad man. Levi needed the money so his girlfriend's mother could have an operation to remove an 85 lb. tumor in her stomach (They have no healthcare insurance). Danny learns more from Levi on how to handle a bully than Dad could ever teach, but retrieving the money may not be as simple as imagined. Will has to deal with some crooked cops, especially Police Chief Howell (Willis), who keeps a close watch on Will and sets Levi up for a deadly fall. It all ends so predictably that you will know the ending way in advance. The only thing good here is Gethin Anthony (who played Charles Manson on the sadly short-lived series AQUARIUS [2015 - 2016]). He gives Levi a layer of humanity not usually given kidnappers in films. But Ty Shelton is simply terrible as Danny. You'll wish that Danny doesn't make it through the film and Levi lives. The story jumps from situation to situation without any thought, a main problem with films shot on a tight schedule. Especially Willis's character. He does things in the film that make you doubt that he is crooked, but he proves to be in on the robbery during the finale and his motives are rank (He thinks he deserves two million dollars for serving his town as Chief for most of his adult life! I wonder how the real-life Chief of Granville, Chief Bill Caskey, thought of that turn in the story?). Willis is quickly becoming a DTV staple. I'm still trying to figure out whether that is a good or bad thing. One look at this film may give you the answer.; DON'T SLEEP (a.k.a. THE OTHER - 2017) starts out creepy enough, but then turns into a bunch of supernatural mush. It starts out thirteen years ago, where a young Zach (Dash Williams) has recurring nightmares about an old, blind, nearly hairless, disfigured witch (Muriel Minot; who keeps saying "Don't be scared. There's nothing to be afraid of here." Sure!) and masked deformed people (who could use some acne treatments) trying to kill him. Young Zach refuses to go to sleep, so his mother, Cindy (Jill Hennessy; LAW & ORDER), takes him to psychiatrist Dr. Richard Sommers (Cary Elwes; SAW - 2004) to see if he can cure Zach. Dr. Sommers tells Zach that this is normal for kids to experience, so mom lies down in bed with Zach that same night until he falls asleep. She gets up from his bed and he instantly opens his eyes and says, "You are going to die!!". The film then cuts to the present, where unmarried couple  Zach (Dominic Sherwood) and Shawn (Charlbi Dean Kriek) rent a house from Jo (Drea de Matteo; THE SOPRANOS - 1999-2006) and Vincent Marino (Alex Carter; CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION - 2003-2013) and Vincent's elderly father (Alex Rocco in his final film). It's apparent that Zach is still suffering from nightmarish visions (He is attacked by a hooded creep in his car and sees strange monstrous figures on his laptop) and it doesn't help that Jo thinks the house they are renting is haunted by spirits, especially when Vincent's father goes looney when he sees a young female ghost ghoul dining on his dog. Mr. Marino eventually hangs himself by the neck with a chain in the garage telling the demons "Fuck you!!!"  Law student Zach becomes increasingly unhinged as the days pass, so he goes to his mother (who is still alive) and childhood friend Timmy (Andrew Caldwell). They both refuse to talk to him about what happened to him when he was a child (Timmy ends up being dragged away to his death by the unknown forces). Zach's nightmares and Jo's warnings to leave the house for good become too much for Shawn, who tells Zach "This is all becoming too bizarre for me!". Zach goes back to Dr. Sommers to try and alieve his nightmares (in the film's biggest flub, neither his mother or the doctor have aged a day in thirteen years!), where we find out , that as a kid, Zach was given electro-shock treatments to cure his nightmares.  It brings up the questions: What ever happened to Zach's father? What happened to the Marinos (they disappear from the film, never to return)? The main problem this film has is that it keeps adding new stuff to the plot and never resolves any of it. Director/producer/screenwriter Rick Bieber (one of the producers of FLATLINERS - 1990 and STONE COLD - 1991) offers no real frights, just useless jump scares that offer nothing to advance the plot. How many times can we witness ugly, deformed people jumping at us from nowhere before we say enough's enough? Bieber throws in a kid from the school that Shawn teaches at that acts the same way that Zach did when he was a child, another young girl, Lilah (Sinclaire Schaefer) that is Shawn's friend, who is the spitting image of the ghost ghoul that ate Mr. Marino's dog, Zach's violent behavior when he makes love to Shawn and someone (or something) that watches Shawn as she showers. None of these plot points are ever resolved. What pissed me off most about this film is when Dr. Sommers and his wife are attacked by the demons that Zach is fighting. Dr. Sommers tells his wife that things will be alright and they will be together forever. WHAT?@!? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You'll give up when the film reveals that Shawn is the reincarnated demonic soul of a woman that was searching for the demonic soul that Zach possesses. It seems that ages ago, Zach once save her life and gave his own and she has been searching for him ever since that day. When you see Shawn complete with ugly sharp teeth and demonic makeup, I dare you not to turn this film off. Too bad that it is the final scene of the movie! All this film really is is scene after scene of unanswered questions that never give answers. If this is what modern horror has come to, count me out. NOTE: Since the film has a production date of 2017 and Alex Rocco died in 2015 (The closing credits end with a tribute to him), it is easy to come to the conclusion that this film had many production problems. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that once you watch the film.; CIRCUS KANE (2017) could have been a great addition to the Killer Clown genre, but its overall cheapness ruins what good this film has, mainly a terrific performance by Tim Abell as the titled clown, Balthazar Kane, an '80s icon, whose tagline was "Magic is sacrifice". He supposedly died in a fire, but we know he didn't. He invites a bunch of modern-day cliches (a gamer, a thief, a musician, a movie memorabilia store owner, mysterious girl, etc.) to his house, under the guise of winning half a million dollars each if they survive till the next day. Each room contains a booby-trap that they must survive to get to the next room (each room taking the life of one of them) until only two are left. This film, directed by Christopher Douglas Olen Ray (MERCENARIES - 2014), has some great ideas, but the meager budget cheapens the overall effect of its lofty ambitions. Starring child actor Jonathan Lipnicki (now an adult) and featuring a winning performance by Ted Monte (HYBRID - 1996; directed by Fred Olen Ray, Christopher's father) as "Big Ed", the movie memorabilia store owner, but as soon as he dies, the film goes down the dumpster, only enlivened by Tim Abell (his makeup is terrific) when he is on the screen, which is not often enough. The "surprise" ending is anything but and the story reminded me of several other better movies, like the SAW franchise (there's an homage to those films here). While not terrible, it could have been much better with a bigger budget. Richard Moll puts in a cameo as the house's gaunt butler, the "Pale Man". Written and produced by James Cullen Bressack (MY PURE JOY - 2011). I saw this for free on Amazon Prime.; SIGHTINGS (2017) is a Kickstarter-financed film and for that reason alone, it fails because of its cheapness. The story is about ex-sheriff Tom Mayfield (Boo Arnold), whose wife disappeared two years ago (Tom thinks she left him) and his brother-in-law, Ricky (Rawn Erickson), is a conspiracy theorist who thinks he sees Bigfoot on his property. Strange things begin to happen on Tom's ranch (he has over 200 acres in a small town in Texas) and it's plain to see that it all has to do with Tom's daughter, Hannah (Tahlia Morgan), who wants to become a writer, but she keeps getting turned down by publishers. Ricky doesn't believe his sister, Lillian (Tiffany Heath), left Tom at all. He believes she was kidnapped by a bigfoot! The shit starts hitting the fan when Tom discovers the bodies of three naked women on his property, all of their internal organs missing. The idiotic detective on the case, Detective Brendan Pitney (Kevin Sizemore), believes Tom is the killer, and starts to realize he may be wrong (He hopes this case will get him hired by the FBI). There is also cryptozoologist Rebecca Otis (Stephanie Drapeau), who comes to Tom's property to investigate the matter and tells Tom that Bigfoot is only interested in women with O-Negative blood! It turns out the three dead women also had O-Negative blood and Tom begins to believe when Detective Pitney tells him that his wife's body was found a thousand miles away and that she was with two other dead, naked women, all of their internal organs missing. Yep, Lillian also had O-Negative blood. The rest of the film details Tom trying to stop a Bigfoot from taking his daughter. Yes, she also has O-Negative blood. Here's where the film cheaps out. All we ever see of the Bigfoot are its arms, legs and stomach breathing, we never see the full magilla. The film is also atrociously acted by everyone involved. Director/screenwriter Dallas Morgan (Nothing else interesting of note) offers nothing in the way of entertainment to the viewing audience and Tom, who is supposed to be the hero, acts in the worst ways possible when he finds out his daughter is the next on Bigfoot's list of victims. It turns out that Bigfoot is an alien who comes to Earth to kidnap women! It is never explained why the creature needs women with O-Negative blood and the nihilistic finale, where the aliens destroy all the evidence Tom and security expert/bigfoot chapter member Akiro (Dante Basco) collected, does the film no favors. Even if Dallas Morgan decided to give us a good view of the Bigfoot, the story still makes this film a loser. Watch ABOMINABLE (2004) instead.; Speaking of Bigfoot: Do you want to watch people walking endlessly through the snow and every once in a while being attacked by blurry monsters? Then COLD GROUND (2017) is for you! This "found footage" film (Jesus, when will people realize this genre died a long time ago?) purportedly shows us a pair of French documentarians, who are also lovers, going to the French Alps in 1976 to investigate a series of animal mutilations and disappearances. Along for the trip are a detective from Colorado (!), who is there to see if it is connected to the "Snoopy Case" (Don't ask!) and a couple of guides, who are going to the top of the mountain where the titled area is, an unexplainable region where the ground is below zero, even in the summer. As they make the three day trip up the mountain, they experience an avalanche, find some human bones and remains and are attacked by creatures we never get a good look at. The cameraman, David (Geoffrey Blandin), breaks his ankle during the avalanche, but continues filming as if nothing happened. When the group is thinned out by the creatures until only David and Melissa (Gala Besson) are left, they must find their way down the mountain before the creatures kill them too, but they fail miserably. This film delivers nothing in the way of entertainment, as it is nothing but 90 minutes of footage of people walking in the snow and when the creatures attack, the camera swirls so wildly, you never get a clear view of them. Everything these people do are beyond comprehension and the camera David uses is indestructable, surviving getting hit directly by an avalanche and falling hundreds of feet down the mountain. We are supposed to believe this footage was found forty years later, but you wouldn't know it by the condition of the print (this is not supposed to be video footage, but film!). Where did they find the camera, encased in ice?!? Nothing is explained in this film, not what the creatures are or where they came from, not why the area is a "cold ground", not why the creatures skin their victims before killing them, not where the footage was found, nothing! And to make matters worse, we never discover what happens to the last victim, as the film just ends, explaining nothing. That is the problem with these found footage flicks, they think that nothing needs to be explained because it is supposedly "real life", but entertainment needs explanations, nothing near it is in this film. Director/screenwriter (and I use that term loosely) Fabien Delage gives us nothing in the way of entertainment, offering one unbelievable scene after the next (Why do people keep on filming when their life is a stake???), even going as far as to have Melissa cut David's broken foot off with what looks like a butterknife and a sharp rock (!) and then, moments later, the creatures kill him! Do yourself a favor and skip this one unless you are a found footage freak (I am still wondering why people like these kinds of films). I saw it for free streaming on Amazon Prime, but I still felt like I was cheated. Christ, when will I ever learn?; FIRST HOUSE ON THE HILL (2017) is a simply abysmal supernatural flick that makes no sense almost from the get-go. It is full of unbelievable characters that grate on your nerves (besides, no people ever acted this way...ever. They only act this way to advance the film's slow-moving plot) and cliched situations, so take my word for it, avoid this piece of shit-cake at all costs. The plot (if you want to call it that) concerns an uber-religious girl named Valerie (Christine Scherer), who is about the spend the weekend at the titled rented house. She goes to her priest, Father Matthew (Lou Volpe, who passed away before this film was released), to tell him this will be her first time in a coed environment, so he tells her to have some fun and gives her a religious artifact to wear around her neck to protect her from "evil" (Just because she will be spending a weekend with another girl and two guys? C'mon now!). When they get to the house, mysterious owner Madame Windsor (Helene Udy; MY BLOODY VALENTINE - 1981; the best thing about this film, but only because she is the only professional actor in this stinking pile of dog droppings), makes all of them sign a contract without reading it (I know this is a film, but don't you think someone, anyone, would want to read it before putting their signature on it? These four don't!). As expected, supernatural events begin to happen, such as a strange force field that surrounds the house and makes it impossible to escape. The quartet start playing with tarot cards (I mean, why not? While you are at it, play with an Ouija board, too!) and begin dying in non-bloody ways. But wait! Turns out they are not dead, they were only pretending. Turns out Valerie is the long-lost daughter of Madame Windsor and she needs to sacrifice Valerie to unleash all of Satan's demons on Earth. (Pardon...What???). As you can see, this film doesn't make a lick of sense and I should have known when I saw all the unknown film festivals this film played in that were mentioned on the poster (Never a good sign! What the fuck is the "Ferrera Film Festival"? The "Wayward Festival"?). It turns out director/co-screenwriter Matteo Saradini left his native Italy to come and live in Los Angeles so he could make films. If this is the kind of film he will continue to churn-out, maybe he should go back to Italy. One more thing: "actor" Umberto Celisano, who portrays quartet member Samuel is probably the worst actor I have ever laid my eyes upon. I wanted to reach into my screen and rip his throat out, not because of the character he plays, but because of his acting ability, which is non-existant. I caught this for free streaming on Amazon Prime and I almost discontinued my membership because of it, but if I did, I would be acting no better than Umberto Celisano! This film should be used as a torture device for terrorists. It's probably the worst thing you can do to them.

Bad DTV Genre Films  Part 22 (continued): THE HAUNTING OF THE SUICIDE HOUSE (2018) For years I have been talking about the benefits of being an Amazon Prime member, but now it is time I tell you about one of the deficits, especially for me. If it's one thing I hate more than "Found Footage" films, it is the so-called "Real-Life Paranormal Investigation" flicks, which use both found footage and herky-jerky camera footage. Don't get me wrong, I love real paranormal footage (I'm a huge fan of "Nuke's Top 5" on YouTube), but when you spend an hour or more looking at footage that shows you nothing and they try to tell you something is there, that is where I draw the line.  The above film is one of the worst of the lot, but Amazon Prime is literally brimming with these cheap paranormal investigation-type films, made with a budget that can be found jingling in my front pants pocket. This film deals with the exploits of two Internet "Stars", paranormal investigators Summer (Nichele Lambert) and Kai (Sariel Toribio), who, along with new cameraman Steven (Jesse Ramos), go to investigate the "Suicide House", a one level ranch style house built in the 1970s (which Summer calls "ancient" and a "hella long time ago"!) where everyone who lived there were either murdered or committed suicide. Right off the bat, we can see that this greedy and selfish team are not about the paranormal investigation, but are only interested in getting a high number of viewers, so they falsify most of the so-called ghost activity (Kai slouches down out of camera view and flips some pots and pans, making it look like ghosts did it), as they no longer want to do this kind of stuff and want to graduate to the "big time" (Even Steven is in on it). Good luck with that, asswipes. When real ghost activity begins to happen, they just go along with it, thinking that the other person is responsible and not telling them (or making stupid assumptions; Ass = u + me). When Kai begins acting strangely and wants to leave, they talk him into staying for their "big finale". They should have left, as Steven is attacked by a spirit and wants to leave, but they talk him into staying one more night. I would have flipped them the bird as I walked out the door because Kai becomes possessed and kills Steven with an axe, before he breaks Summer's arm and then stabs himself with a large knife rather than killing Summer, killing himself. Oh well, another suicide for the house. Ho-hum. To say that this 63-minute film is a bore is a vast understatement. It seems ten times longer than it actually is, thanks to abhorrent acting, no special effects whatsoever (all we get is a door closing by itself and kitchen cupboards opening by their lonesome [you can see the strings pulling the cabinet door open!]) and we never see Kai slaughtering Steven. We know how everything is going to turn out because in the beginning of the film, we see Summer sitting in a detective's office, her arm in a sling, while the detectives view the footage Steven shot from the past two days (Summer even says that both Kai and Steven are dead!). Even the ending, where Summer and mental former resident Alex (Lauren Searl) return to the Suicide House, pour gasoline over it and strike a match, bottoms out. We don't see the house on fire, we just hear it burning! So where's the surprise? The sad fact is that there isn't any. No blood, no graphic violence and no nudity, so why even bother? It took three directors to make this video garbage and they made another piece of crap called THE HAUNTING OF THE WHITLOW HOUSE (2018), which I do not intend to watch (It's also on Prime, if you like to beat yourself over the head repeatedly with a blunt object, go for it!). My stool is more interesting than this. So there is the only deficit I can think of about being a Prime member. Seriously, I can't think of another reason why you shouldn't be a member! Just stay away from this piece of flotsam or you'll end up as jetsam.; EXPOSURE (2018) is basically a two-character film where a married couple, Myra (Carmen Anello) and James (Owen Lawless), drive to his grandparent's mountain home to repair their troubled marriage. Almost from the beginning, we can see why this marriage is troubled. Myra keeps getting text messages by her (former?) lover and James use to physically abuse his wife. Something bad also happened to James' grandparents, something he refuses to talk about, even getting verbally abusive with Myra when she asks about it. That's the problem with this entire film. It rests on the shoulders of this married couple, only they are so despicable, we don't care what happens to them. They also do stupid things at the worst time possible. When James finally tells his wife what happened to his grandparents, we ask ourselves why he brought her there in the firt place. Flashbacks show us that his grandfather (Bruce Smith) disappeared in the woods surrounding the home and when he was found, he was never the same. He then killed his grandmother (Lynn Lowry; I DRINK YOUR BLOOD - 1971) and then disappeared in the forest again, never to be found. When James and Myra begin repairing their marriage by going fishing (!), James hooks what he thinks is a piece of driftwood, only it is some unknown creature that bites him on the hand. Then the same thing that happened to his grandfather begins to happen to him. That's basically the entire film, but we never learn what the creature is or why its bite turns James into some kind of monster who can shoot tentacles out of his body! And speaking of doing stupid things at the worst possible time, after getting slashed in the face by a transforming James, Myra hops in the car and drives away, only to come back when she sees a photo of her and James during a happy time in their relationship! Are you fucking kidding me? Not only did she cheat on her husband, only to have him physically abuse her, she returns after he abuses her again??? The #MeToo movement would have a lot to say about that decision. Even I have a lot to say about it, but I think "Are you fucking kidding me?" basically covers it. When she returns to the house and shows her monster husband the photo, thinking it will turn him back to his normal self (Are you fucking kidding me?), she finds out the exact opposite, as he slashes her chest with his clawed hands and then shoots a tongue out of his mouth that looks like an uncircumcised penis (!) and begins licking her face. Myra then bites it off, reaches into his chest (for some reason, there's a hole there) and pulls out his heart! Made for only $20,000, this film looks beautiful, but with characters we don't give two fucks about (Lynn Lowry, who is only in the film for about five minutes, is the best aspect here), I have to ask myself why bother? We don't even get an explanation what the creature is or why its bite transforms people. It just is what it is. Mercifully short at 77 minutes, this film is still overlong by about 60 minutes. And let's not talk about Myra's nose ring and her heavily tatted body (both a major turn-off to me). There are brief flashes of nudity and some graphic violence, but when it happens to two people we don't give two shits about, it amounts to nothing. Director/producer/co-screenwriter Austin Snell knows how to make a good-looking film (he was also the cinematographer), but he needs better material to make audiences care. Not a total failure (the practical makeup effects are pretty good), but bad enough to be put in this category.; FLIGHT 666 (2018) starts out like gangbusters, but quickly degenerates into something all too common. Once you learn this film is from The Asylum, that should tell you all you need to know. A flight to New York is surrounded by a storm that doesn't seem to have a beginning or an end, it seems to be following the plane, trapping it inside. Passengers aboard the plane begin to become possessed by female spirits, one missing an eye and another carrying a crying decomposed baby. These women are trying to tell the passengers something important, something that an air marshal on the plane, Austin (Paul Logan), is determined to discover. After searching the cargo hold of the plane, they find evidence that someone on board the plane is a serial killer, someone who travels from city to city killing women just because they love killing. When the serial killer turns out to be the plane's pilot, Captain Jack Hanstock (Joseph M. Harris), the passengers must find a way, with the help of the female spirits on board, to punish the pilot and still land the plane safely. It won't be easy, because the female spirits are only interested in revenge, putting everyone's lives in extreme danger. While there are some very good jump scares in this film, the basic plot falls apart faster than a swimsuit made of paper and quickly becomes a barrage of lousy CGI effects, something The Asylum is well known for. Even the plane's crash landing is awful, a mixture of crappy CGI and some forced perspective cinematography. Director Rob Pallatina, who is usually an editor on some of The Asylum's "mockumentaries", including BIGFOOT (2012) and ISLE OF THE DEAD (2016; reviewed in this section) starts off with a sure hand, but he can't sustain it with the screenplay's scene-after-scene of deja vu and pat situations. I had high hopes in the beginning, but it quickly turned into "watching the clock for the film to end." Too bad. This could have been something with a completed script. All it is now is a waste of your time. Available streaming on Amazon Prime for all you masochists out there. I have to watch this stuff, but you don't!; DEAD SQUAD: TEMPLE OF THE UNDEAD (2018) is a ridiculously bloody and gory horror film that is severely hampered by extremely bad acting and a cliche-ridden script. It seems the U.S. government put Nazi scientists to work after the end of World War II and in the 1950's, one Nazi scientist, Dr. Baumgartner (Peer Metze), is trying to create the perfect "Master Race" with his top-secret formula somewhere in the jungles of South America, but he fails time and time again, turning his subjects into zombie-like creatures that crave the taste of flesh. Cut to the present day, where three stereotypical young men, including jock John (Ryan Sobolski), wise-ass Ethan (Guy Talon) and nerd Daniel (Jonathan Looper), meet three equally stereotypical young women, including the Paris Hilton-like Tiffany (Bianca Zouppas, who is simply awful), tough chick Aneesha (Alina Carson) and nerdy Jennifer (Elizabeth Morse), at some tropical paradise in some unnamed South American country. Yep, you guessed it, the same country where the illicit experiments were performed in the '50s. The guys and gals hook up, get drunk and decide to take a boat trip down the river, where they are warned to stay on the marked trail. Quicker than you can say, "Fuck the rules", this sextet of worthless human meat take a right hand fork in the river, where it is clearly marked "Do Not Enter" and find a beautiful waterfall paradise. Of course they lose their boat when they decide to take a dip in the waterfall, forcing them to travel by foot trying to get back to civilization. As night begins to fall, they discover what they think is an ancient Mayan temple and decide to stay there for the night. As you can probably guess, the temple is actually the base of Dr, Baumgartner's experiments and the six young people try to avoid all the zombies that are still living there. Most of them are not successful, as they are ripped apart and eaten by the zombie-like creatures, including "Z13" (Conan Stevens; the Man-Thing in MAN-THING - 2004), the hulking head zombie that rules the place (a terrific makeup job). First, let me tell you the positive points this film has to offer: The makeup effects are mostly practical and they are as bloody and gory as they come (which makes me wonder if the film's R-Rating is a fallacy), as heads and spines are torn out of bodies, heads are crushed and brain matter squirts out in gallons, chunks of flesh are eaten from bodies and Tiffany is one of the first to die (Believe me, once you see Bianca Zouppas' acting, you will appreciate this!). The Bali, Indonesia locations are also very colorful and add a lot to the visual spendour of the film. Now the bad parts: The acting is strictly second-rate and it is clear that director/producer/writer/music composer Dominik Hauser (his first film as a director; he's a music composer by trade) bit off more than he could chew, as his script (which he shared with co-writer Nancy Thornhill) contains so many holes and unbelievable coincidences, as well as hackneyed dialogue, it is difficult to overlook and forgive. It's just sloppy. Some of the character's actions are unbelievable and you'll be throwing up your hands in total disbelief more than one time, especially when Aneesha reveals who she actually is and why she is doing it (This is where the film falls completely apart). But, if it's blood and guts you want, this film is hard to beat. You'll see such unusual sights as a zombie that is nothing but half a torso with its spine and skull walking towards the cast, a "Zombie Wife" (Réka Gavaldi), who is seemingly married to Z13 and a "Zombie Queen" (Erika Ervin), who wants Z13 as her own, even performing oral sex on him! There are a lot of other good practical effects on view and the blood flows like water, but the film as a whole fails to entertain. It's too off-center to be entertaining. Nice try, though, but it is still a disappointment. As is usual for these DTV films, there is a mid-end credits scene which sets the film up for a sequel. Let's hope it is more entertaining than this one, if it is made at all.; DEATH KISS (2018) is a third-rate version of DEATH WISH (1974), with the added "bonus" of Robert Kovacs, a.k.a. "Robert Bronzi", who looks exactly like Charles Bronson, but with one or two caveats: He can't act worth a lick and his voice is obviously dubbed by someone else. It also comes as no surprise that this film was directed by Rene Perez (THE DEAD AND THE DAMNED - 2010; THE BURNING DEAD - 2015), who hires has-been actors (i.e. Daniel Baldwin) for his films, but has no idea how to use them to their best advantage. In other words, I have yet to see a Perez film that I like, this one included. It is a slow-moving tale about an unnamed vigilante (Kovacs) who goes around shooting criminals, including drug dealers (one portrayed by Richard Tyson; HAYRIDE - 2013; he looks embarrassed being in this, even though he also has an Associate Producer credit here) and child slave traders, and then sends a load of money to single mother Ana (Eva Hamilton, the best thing about this film) and her paralyzed young daughter, who was shot in the spine when she was younger when her mother tried to score drugs at a drug den, while a radio talk show host (Baldwin) rambles on and on about how the police are useless regarding serious crime. Ana has cleaned up her act and the vigilante's money gave her enough to put a down payment on a house in the country, but it doesn't take a genius to know why he is sending her the money. Robert Kovacs being dubbed takes the viewer completely out of the film, because it is plain to see that he is speaking English, but his Spanish accent was replaced with someone trying to sound like Charles Bronson and it doesn't work. If I have one good thing to say about this film it is that the bullet squibs are very bloody and whenever anyone gets shot, nearly a pint of blood comes out of their bullet holes. Otherwise, this is a chore to get through, as its situations are pat and there's not much meat on its bones. The action scenes are also lazily staged and downright sloppy at times. Avoid at all costs unless you want to watch someone pretending to be Bronson. Perez also gave us the terrible FROM HELL TO THE WILD WEST (2017), also starring Kovacs as a cowboy who battles a transplanted Jack The Ripper in the Wild West! Both films are available streaming on Amazon Prime for all the masochists out there. Where does Perez get money to make these abominations?; Speaking of prolific badfilm director Rene Perez, his film THE PUNISHED (2018) is a badly-acted, haphazardly-staged action film that is nothing but a paid tour through Turtle Bay Exploration Park, a Redding, California water park. Mercenary Wolfgang (Austrian bodybuilder/actor Robert Amstler, an Arnold Schwarzenegger stunt double; Once you see him and hear him talk, you will know why!) is a ruthless killer, hired by an old rich businesswoman (Lisa Murphy Collins), who lost her three-year old grandson to a random act of senseless street violence, to retrieve a collection of cell phones for reasons better left alone (because of the stupidity of it all). During one of Wolfgang's killing missions, he gets shot in the back and has to go to the hospital (when a doctor looks at the wound on Wolfgang's back and asks him how he got it, he just says, "I fell."), where he meets a young orphan girl named Maria (Leia Perez), who needs medical attention every day of her life ("I was born sick."). Wolfgang decides to mix his life of violence with random acts of kindness, so he takes Maria to Turtle Bay and spoils her, hiring park worker Lisa (Nicole Stark) to be Maria's tour guide. Long story short, in between violent escapades, Wolfgang begins to care deeply for Maria and Lisa begins to care deeply for Wolfgang, but will any of it be acted upon? Do we really care? This film has zero entertainment value, thanks to director Perez, who has an uncanny ability to have lens flares in nearly every outdoor scene. If it isn't lens flares, it's bathing outdoor scenes in purple hues, which becomes very bothersome, ruining most of the scenes. What this film does display perfectly are all the attractions Turtle Bay Exploration Park offers, as we see Wolfgang, Lisa and Maria enjoy water slides, trampolines, rafting, jet boats (including the "Jetovator"), paddleboard yoga (!)  and other water attractions the park offers. If this is a paid ad for the park, it works, but as an action film it fails miserably. Wolfgang is a man of few words, his sentences barely more than three words. This film tries to get audiences to believe we are watching a PUNISHER film (Amstler even dons a Punisher mask in two of his violent missions, in one, he forces an innocent man to kill someone so he won't turn the security camera footage over to the police!), but this no-budget film can't reach such lofty ambitions. Perez has found his Bronson replacement in Robert Kovacs and he has also found his Schwarzenegger replacement in Robert Amstler, but the sad fact is neither of them can act a lick and they have zero chemistry on screen. Oh, and did I mention this film ends the same way DEATH KISS does (both films were shot back-to-back)? I have yet to see a Perez film that is worth mentioning (nearly all his films are alarmingly anti-police), but I keep trying. Will I ever learn? I doubt it.; IT CAME FROM THE DESERT (2018), based on the early-'80s 8-bit video game of the same name, starts out well enough, but then completely falls apart. Three typical young adults, Brian (Harry Lister Smith), Lisa (Vanessa Grasse) and air-headed Lukas (Alex Mills, who reminds me of a young Timothy Olyphant), head out to a booze-filled weekend of partying and motocross riding, when they discover a hidden laboratory in a cave that houses giant ants. It's not long before these ants escape and attack everyone at the party, bringing their still-alive bodies back to their nest to feed their queen. It is up to this trio, who have serious personal problems (Brian loves Lisa and doesn't know she feels the same way, thinking she like Lukas better), to free the others before they become chow for the queen and kill all the ants before they get to civilization and multiply quickly to take over the world. That's the basic plot of this Finland-lensed flick, directed by Marko Mäkilaakso (WAR OF THE DEAD - 2011), who co-wrote the generic screenplay with Hank Woon Jr. and Trent Haaga (DEADGIRL - 2008), which is why this film is in this category. The CGI and anamatronic giant ants are very well done, better than films with ten times the budget, but the acting and plot leave a lot to be desired. Only Alex Mills manages to register in his role of Lukas, as the rest of the cast, including the minor players, are weak  imprints of the way real people would act when put in situations this film offers. It's all played rather broadly and, as a viewer, we know exactly what is going to happen next and it does, no surprises or twists are on view. This is not a badly made film, just a typical DTV horror/actioner. The photography is very well done for such a low budget affair, especially the motocross scenes, as people try to escape the invading giant ants on their motorcycles, but it is a losing proposition because the ants are faster. As a player of the actual video game, I can attest to the fact that this film follows the game very closely, but what is fun on the computer is very cliched as a film, which proves one thing to me: video games should not be turned into films because more times than naught, they are very boring and tepid. For its budget, this is a very well made film, but the story is lacking in entertainment value. Stay through the end credits for a view of a full replay of the entire video game. If you have ever played it, nostalgia will rush over your body like a cold wave of ocean water.; BOOK OF MONSTERS (2018) is a British horror comedy that was crowdfunded on Kickstarter. It is a film too cheap for its own good, full of missed opportunities, sloppy writing and monsters who look like people in Halloween costumes. Young lesbian Sophie (Lyndsey Craine) is about to have her eighteenth birthday party, not knowing she is about to unleash monsters that killed her mother when Sophie was a young child. Mom loved reading Sophie bedtime stories from the book of the title, but one night, some real monsters drag Sophie's mom under her bed and kill her. Sophie's father (Nicholas Vince) gives Sophie the book on the day of her 18th birthday, not knowing that Sophie is needed by five monsters as a sacrifice to open the gates of Hell and unleash all the monsters on Earth, turning it into a planet of evil. Just for convenience, Dad leaves the house on Sophie's birthday, so her schoolmates, Mona (Michaela Longden), Beth (Lizzie Stanton) and Jess (Rose Muirhead), can throw her the birthday party of all birthday parties, not knowing that the school snob, Arya (Anna Dawson), has sabotaged the party, inviting only the dregs of society to the party. One of those dregs is Pandora (Steph Mossman) a shapeshifting monster who gets the ball rolling by killing a male virgin by tempting him with sex in Sophie's bedroom. This triggers an onslaught of monsters to the party, one of them, called the Beast, breaks down the front door and begins killing the partiers in various gory ways, it's preferred method being ripping off heads from bodies. Sophie uses the book, which turns out to be a monster fighting bible written by her mother, to kill the monsters. This is where the film falls apart. Killing these monsters is too damn easy. The Beast has a huge boil on its back that is its weak spot, so Sophie grabs her birthday cake knife and stabs it in the boil, killing it instantly. There's another monster outside called The Slasher, who kills nearly everyone that escapes the house with well-placed sickles, which it throws at the partiers. The Slasher also releases worm-like creatures that can take form of anything they touch, so they take the form of three garden gnomes and attack male stripper Carl (Arron Dennis, the best performance in the film), who kills them with his vibrating dildo! (Ayra hired a male stripper just to embarass lesbian Sophie, because she's, well, evil). Sophie joins forces with her three female friends and male partygoer Gary (Daniel Thrace) to fight the monsters, discovering that Sophie's mom was a kickass monster fighter in her day, leaving her daughter instructions in the book as how to kill each individual monster. This gory film, directed/co-produced by Stewart Sparke (THE CREATURE BELOW - 2016) and written by co-producer Paul Butler (who portrays The Slasher in some scenes), fails to make an impression, even though it is very gory and somewhat funny. For starters, the gore is not very well done and the monsters not very believable (they look like people in costumes rather than outright monsters) and some of the scenes are far too convenient to be believable. When the remaining people are trapped in the house, Sophie suddenly remembers that her house went through a remodling when she was a child and they find a secret passage that leads to the barn, where her mother had a secret room full of weapons and monster-related information, along with a tape recorder that mom left a final message for her daughter. Not only is this coincidence far too unbelievable for its own good, when Sophie picks up a chainsaw in the secret room to fight the monster with, it immediately starts up, after sitting in the room for ten years! Sloppy writing like this makes the film seem hackneyed and desperate. A missed opportunity comes when the worm creatures turn into the garden gnomes, which are killed off far too easily. It would have been nice to see these worms turn into something else rather than have them killed off without giving them any backstory (and they look like GHOULIES!). I saw this film for free streaming on Amazon Prime and at 81-minutes in length, it didn't chew up much of my free time, but when it ended (stayed tuned during the final credits for a closing sting), it left me feeling that it could have been so much better. It's not awful, mind you, just too ordinary for its own good.; THE CHAIR TO EVERYWHERE (2018) is a British sci-fi no-budgeter whose aspirations are much larger than the measley budget allows, but it is not without some positive points; mainly, it will have you thinking long after the film ends. A father, Graham (Sean Botha), and his daughter, Laura (Polly Tregear), invent a prototype teleportation device (it couldn't look cheaper if it tried!) to transport people from one place to another after losing their wife/mother in an airline accident. But there are some serious issues with this device. Instead of transporting a human body from one place to another, it actually creates a duplicate, so the original human has to be killed (!) while they are being teleported, otherwise there will be a displacement in the time continuim (Don't think about it. Your brain might explode!). Laura volunteers to be the guinea pig and the first time they try to teleport her, her clothes catch on fire. Turns out the device can only teleport organic matter (Shouldn't they have known that?), so Laura strips completely naked (she's not bashful about it) and tries again. The second time they try, Laura's mouth becomes painful and it turns out she has a metal filling in a tooth, so she makes her father pull out the tooth with a pair of pliers! The third try is the charm, as the device teleports her successfully, Graham killing his daughter by strangulation before her duplicate appears (the dead bodies then disappear into the ether). Since both the transmitting and receiving devices are in the same room, Laura wants to move them further apart, so they move the receiving device to the other end of the room (I told you this film was cheap!). The fourth time they try (Instead of strangling Laura, he injects an air bubble in her neck causing her to pass out, then he strangles her with the rope!), it seems successful, but Laura disappears and another naked girl appears in the receiving chair. She's from a planet in a different universe and apparently their teleportation device got cross-entangled in his, sending his daughter to the other planet and this woman to his. She tells him if he wants his daughter back, he needs to teleport her immediately, so he does, but another woman appears, not his daughter. He does this dozens of times, killing all these different naked women while they are teleporting until his hands are bloody and raw with rope burns! His next attempt turns out to be disastrous, as he accidentally kills the naked woman before she teleports and no one comes back. So what does he do? Luckily, a woman from a missing child agency (WTF?!?!) knocks on his door and asks for a donation, so he knocks her out and teleports her, killing her at the right time. This time, another woman comes back, but she says she knows Laura and if he teleports her at the right time, she will come back to him. This time he is successful, but there is a price to pay for his actions. I won't tell you what it is, other to say that the CGI in this sequence is way below par and ruins the finale, but like I said, you'll be thinking about all this long after the film is over. I know I did, but that doesn't excuse the film's cheapness and bad acting. Sean Botha is simply awful as Graham. He always looks like he is about o break out bawling at any time and his line delivery leaves a lot to be desired. Thankfully, there is a lot of full-frontal female nudity here, as every woman that comes back shows us the full monty, but why do women from different planets in another universe all speak with a British accent? And why are no men coming back? There's actually an answer for that one in the finale, but like I said, the cheap dimestore CGI ruins the overall effect of the film. I do give director/producer/screenwriter Mol Smith (ABDUCTION - 2017; ABDUCTION 2: REVENGE OF THE HIVE QUEEN - 2018) some credit for making a film with high intellectual aspirations on a nothing budget, but it simply isn't enough for me to recommend this film. There's also a wince-inducing scene where Laura sleeps with her father the night before she tries to teleport for the first that will make you feel extremely uncomfortable, especially when Laura tells her wary father that it's okay, she just wants to cuddle! UGH! It's not a complete failure, but it's enough to be put in the Bad Category. Better luck next time. I saw this for free, streaming on Amazon Prime.

Bad DTV Genre Films  Part 23 (continued): INTO THE FOREST (2019). Why do I keep doing this to myself? After reading the synopsis for this film on Amazon Prime and deciding to give it a watch, knowing full well that it was a "found footage" film (a genre I despise, despite getting pulled-in by every synopsis I read) and then discovering that the "film" is a total waste of time, I decided that it was time to get a lobotomy, because only braindead people could enjoy crap like this. This shot-on-video disaster concerns three YouTubers who have their own paranormal channel and hope to have the A&E Network pick-up their series and thus make it to the "big time". They decide to explore a haunted forest, where people, usually children, end up missing and are never found, even though their parents can hear them calling from the woods. The forest is also supposed to be the home of a witch, who is said to be behind the string of disappearances. The trio rent a cabin in the middle the forest and weird things immediately begin to happen, like loud thumps being heard, but it turns out to be the drunk son of the man who rented then the cabin. The female of this trio, Amy (Kimberly Hough), who is the girlfriend of member Nick (Aaron Sherry), is an epileptic and is taking a new medication for her seizures (she has one as they are driving to the cabin). Third member, Chase (John Michael McDonald) is the "handsome' member of the trio and therefore the camera's main focus. He tells them that A&E picked up their series and what they are now shooting will be the pilot, so they buy an expensive HD camera and other goodies to make this entry look as professional as possible. They bring a father of one of the missing children to a section of the forest, hoping to catch his missing daughter call out his name, but after hours being there with nothing happening, the trio want to leave, but the father pulls out a gun and points it at his head, saying he wants to join his daughter. Amy is able to talk him down and they return to the cabin, but when Nick studies the footage they shot that night, he hears children laughing on the audio, something they all didn't hear when they were there. The trio then decide to walk hours into the forest and set up camp, but Amy realizes she didn't bring her pills with her, she left them at the cabin (Really? C'mon now!). Rather than walking back to get the pills, they decide to stay there and shoot their episode, based on Chase's recommendation that A&E would want them to. As you can imagine, creepy things begin to happen, but we see none of it, as Chase finally reveals that A&E never signed a contract like he said they did. Then the film "ends" at the 67 minute mark, revealing or resolving nothing, after promising a surprise ending in the synopsis! This shitstain of a film only gives us grade school acting, jerky camerawork and nothing that could be considered entertainment even in the minutest sense. The fact that it took two directors, Brendan Rudnicki & Josh Huffine (who also wrote the idea-starved screenplay), to make this insulting piece of cinematic sludge is quite frankly, astounding, as a dozen monkeys on typewriters and behind the camera could make something much better than this, even with their eyes closed (flinging their poop around would even make it more entertaining!). If you think you are going to catch a glimpse of the witch or any of the missing children, think again, there's nothing here that is the least bit scary, just jerky camera work that shows us nothing. Do yourself a favor and skip this, the first film I have watched with a 2019 production date (believe me, it won't be the last). Don't believe the positive reviews you read on IMDb, because it is obvious they were written by people who worked on the film. This stinks worse than a field full of cow manure and that's being way too kind!

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