RABID GRANNIES (1989) - Heavily edited (at least here in the States) but still outrageous horror-comedy from Belgium. A group of relatives gather at the mansion of their wealthy aunts (not grannies) to celebrate their birthdays. What a lovely bunch of people they are: A mistrusting lesbian and her beautiful lover; a cowardly husband and his wife and two bratty kids; a lecherous nephew who hits on the lesbian's lover; a truly repulsive child-hating priest; a man with a wife young enough to be his daughter; and, a bike-riding spinster. All these people have one thing in common: They are at this party to get on the good side of their aunts so they will be put in the will. While the party is going on a sinister-looking hag delivers a gift from a nephew who was disowned by the family for practicing black magic. The gift is an ancient box and, when it is opened, demons possess the two elderly aunts. They proceed to literally rip apart their family. From this point on the carnage doesn't stop. It is a shame that Troma, who distributes this film in the US and other territories, decided to release a severely edited cut, devoid of the gorier scenes to secure an R rating. The DVD they released in America is also full screen, with the edited out scenes as extras on the disc. In the United Kingdom they released the fully unedited version on DVD in widescreen. This is what you are missing in the R-rated version: People are ripped in half, beheaded, crushed between bars of an iron gate and one unlucky man gets his ass chewed off. Best scene: The two possessed aunts corner the priest and hand him an automatic rifle. They give him a choice: Either shoot himself where he will go to Hell for taking his own life or let the aunts poke out his eyes and eat his stomach where he will die and go to Heaven. He takes the easy way out. This is one of the most original scenes on film in years as it induces shudders as well as laughs. Bravo to first-time (and only time) director/screenwriter Emmanuel Kervyn for making something other than a run-of-the-mill, reading-of-the-will potboiler. The film is smothered in atmosphere and looks like Kervyn studied the horror films of Italy, especially Lamberto Bava's DEMONS (1985). This is a bloody good show. Starring Danielle Daven, Anne Marie Fox, Jack Mayar, Elliot Lison, Raymond Lescot and Guy Van Riet. A Media Home Entertainment and Troma Team Release. Rated R.

THE RAGE (2007) - Stop me if you heard this before: A mad scientist kidnaps innocent people and performs illicit experiments on them, only to have one of his guinea pigs escape, which leads to events where a group of annoying young teens are stalked and killed. Heard it before? I thought so, but the only things THE RAGE has going in it's favor are a heavy quantity of bloody gore and a smattering of nudity. Some viewers will find that enough to get through the next 86 minutes, but others will be asking for more, like logic and a coherent plot. Dr. Viktor Vasilienko (Andrew Divoff; FAUST: LOVE OF THE DAMNED - 2001), a mad Russian scientist, has been infecting kidnapped people for several years with his Rage mutagen, hoping to spread the infection throughout the free world (don't ask). One of his subjects breaks free, kills Viktor and escapes into the forest, where he kills a necking couple in a car. He then dies and his corpse is picked clean by a flock of vultures, which then become infected and attack weekend fisherman Uncle Ben (Reggie Bannister, who manages to get a PHANTASM reference in, even though his screen time is less than three minutes). After chowing down on his visiting niece and nephew (played by director Robert Kurtzman's children), Uncle Ben is then killed when he is run over by an RV occupied by a group of idiotic twenty-somethings (one of them portrayed by ultra-low-budget scream queen Misty Mundae, using the name "Erin Brown" here) on their way back from an outdoor rave. The vultures attack and disable the RV (in a scene that will either have you howling with laughter or shaking your head in disbelief), forcing the group to flee into the woods, where they are either killed by the vultures (who spit an acidic liquid out of their beaks!) or infected with the virus. The survivors manage to make it to Viktor's hidden laboratory, only to discover that the mad Russian has returned from the dead, infected with the Rage virus and anxious to continue his experiments. The doctor and his two mutant sidekicks (the results of his failed attempts) continue his research, but the final two ravers fight back using whatever sharp instrument is handy (and there are many) to make their escape. In typical modern horror film fashion, there's an unnecessary sting in the final shot that leaves this film open for a sequel.  If it's blood and gore you want, look no further. All others stay away. The film nearly screeches to a dead stop once we meet the ravers, who are some of the worst actors this side of a H.G. Lewis film, but director Robert Kurtzman (THE DEMOLITIONIST - 1995; WISHMASTER - 1997, also starring Andrew Divoff), the former K of KNB Effects, tosses in so many bloody makeup effects, like decapitations, eye-gouging, impalements, axes to the head and bites out of flesh, that you can almost forgive the terrible thespians. Almost. The final thirty minutes, where a deformed Divoff (who is his usual professional, off-kilter self) reappears and explains his motivations for his hatred of western culture (It seems he found the cure for cancer, only to have his research stolen by U.S. interests and he was then placed in an insane asylum, where he was given electroshock treatments), becomes total inept insanity, especially his dwarf transvestite hunchback assistant (!), who carries around a stuffed monkey and screams "Kiss the monkey!" to the restrained ravers as he/she/it shoves the stuffed animal in their faces. While Kurtzman and his newly-formed Precinct 13 Entertainment effects crew manage to supply as many practical effects as possible (lots of squishy bladder effects and dismembered body parts), there are also some glaringly-bad CGI shots on view, especially whenever the vultures are in flight, which don't for a second look like anything but cheap computer animation. Some of the blood effects are also enhanced by CGI and they are just as noticeable as the damned vultures. THE RAGE delivers on the grue, but fails on nearly every other level. That can either be read as a ringing endorsement or a dire warning. I'll leave that decision up to you. And what's up with all these new horror films having headache-inducing thrash metal soundtracks? This one contains songs from Mushroomhead and The Fakers. Gary Jones, the director of such genre films as MOSQUITO (1995), SPIDERS (2000) and CROCODILE 2: DEATH SWAMP (2002), was Line Producer and First Assistant Director here. Also starring Ryan Hooks, Sean Serino, Rachel Scheer, Anthony Clark, Christopher Nelson, Matt Jerrams and Alan Tuskes. Available on widescreen DVD with many bonus features (including a behind-the-scenes doc that's longer than the film and twice as interesting) from Screen Media Films. Unrated.

RATMAN (1987) - Who but those crazy Italians would remake Sondra Locke’s RATBOY (1986) as a horror film? Why would they want to? A scientist crosses the genes of a monkey and a rat and comes up with the title creation (portrayed by Guinness World Book title holder for the shortest human being: 27 inch-tall actor Nelson de la Rosa [in ridiculous make-up]). The creature breaks loose and kills anyone that gets in it’s way, including models on a fashion shoot. The sister of one of the models (Janet Agren of GATES OF HELL - 1980) teams up with a TV mystery writer (the late David Warbeck of THE BEYOND - 1982) to stop this pitiful tiny terror. Basically a series of stalk-and-slash scenes, this mundane film is real boring and will tax even the most patient viewer. Illogical to the extreme, RATMAN pushes the believability barrier by giving such a small creature the ability to slaughter full-size humans without much of a fight. All rats and monkeys should protest this film. Directed by Guiliano Carmineo using the pseudonym "Anthony Ascott" (THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS - 1971; EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000 - 1983). Also starring Eva Grimaldi. This film is not available on any legal label but can be purchased from many bootleg sources, including Midnight Video. Not Rated. NOTE: Nelson de la Rosa died on September 22, 2006 of unknown causes. He is probably best remembered by movie fans as the diminutive sidekick of Marlon Brando in 1996's ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU. He was also the blueprint for Mini-Me in the AUSTIN POWERS movies and sports fans on the East Coast also knew him as the pal of then-Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez, who used Nelson as a good luck charm during the Sox's 2004 World Series run. R.I.P. Nelson.

RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR (1983) - In the year 225 A.B. (After The Bomb) there are two types of people who live on Earth: Those who live above the ground and those who live beneath it. A ragtag group of above-ground scavengers are searching for food and shelter when they chance upon an abandoned town. It seems to be an Eden to them because the town has a healthy supply of food, liquor and even a water purification machine. Eden soon turns into Hell however, as this town is populated by thousand of man-hungry rats who begin to attack and devour the new visitors. After three of the group are killed (one girl is eaten from the inside-out as she is trapped in a sleeping bag) the rest barricade themselves in a building, as the rats have chewed through their vehicles' tires and contaminated their food and water supplies. The rats manage to pick off the group one-by-one until only four are left. The quartet discover a recording device in which a scientist details the evolution of these rats. Prolonged exposure to radiation have evolved the rats into a new intelligent species. After spending years underground, the rats have returned to the surface to claim what is rightfully theirs. The rats begin an all-out assault and two more of the group are killed. When all seems lost, the remaining two are saved by the underground people who come to the surface wearing yellow radiation suits and gas masks. The duo thank them for saving their lives as one of them removes his gas mask, revealing the face of .......a rat! Guaranteed not to be endorsed by the Humane Society, this film has live rats being burned, impaled, stepped-on and generally mistreated. Call me twisted, but I found this more disturbing than the frequent shots of the rodents chewing through human bodies. This Italian production, directed by Bruno Mattei (using the pseudonym Vincent Dawn) and co-directed by Claudio Fragasso (aka Clyde Anderson of MONSTER DOG fame), has many gross effects and full frontal male and female nudity to hold your attention. The best part of the film is the character's names. Deuce, Video and Lucifer are some of the names you'll hear and the lone black cast member (Janna Ryann) is given the name Chocolate! As with most Italian genre films, the dubbing is unbelievable and the dialogue is hilarious. RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR is better than most of the Italian post-apocalypse films due largely to a different type of storyline (no MAD MAX-type action here) and a good, healthy dose of unrated gore. But did they really have to kill live rats? Starring Richard Raymond, Alex McBride, Ann Gisel Glass and Richard Cross. A Video Treasures Home Video Release. Also available from Anchor Bay in pristine form on DVD.  Unrated.

THE REDEEMER (1976) - Weird slasher film with religious undertones. The film opens with the following statement superimposed over a shot of a serene lake: "From out of the darkness the hand of the Redeemer shall appear to punish those who have lived in sin..."  Then, a boy rises from the water and we see his shadow appear over the bed of a faceless sleeping man. The man then goes to the Stuart Morse Academy and murders the caretaker and makes a mask of the dead man's face. Meanwhile, the boy has hopped on a school bus and goes to church, where he puts on an altar boy uniform and joins the other children while they listen to a preacher deliver a fire and brimstone sermon. We are then introduced to short glimpses into the lives of six people, each of them sinners in their own way (vain movie star, abusive husband, rich uncaring lawyer, closet lesbian, etc.). What do they all have in common? They are all going to their high school reunion this weekend...at the Stuart Morse Academy. They all gather at the academy only to find that they were the only ones invited. They are greeted at the door by the imposter caretaker who leads them to a banquet hall. He then locks all the doors (all the windows have bars on them). Let the killing begin. After stuffing their faces and trying to one-up each other, the six characters realize they are trapped when they find the maggot-infested corpse of the caretaker and the killer taunts them outside while dressed as the Grim Reaper. The first guy is killed when a clown marionette carrying a blowtorch burns him to death. One girl finds a way out of the house, only to be shotgunned by the killer, dressed as a hunter. Even though the final four decide to stick together, the killer manages to do them in. One gets a sword dropped on his brainpan, another is drowned in a bathroom sink full of hot water and another is shot point-blank in the head (but not before seroiusly wounding the killer, who is now dressed as a lawyer). The final woman is killed by another clown marionette carrying a sword and then it immediately cuts to the preacher finishing his sermon. When the boy leaves the church (he touches the priest, telling him that "everything will be alright now"), be prepared for two "What The Fuck?!?" moments when the preacher removes his shirt.  The best way to describe this film, directed by Constantine S. Gochis (his only directorial effort), is strangely twisted. Though we never know the motivation of the killer (Was he sent by God or did the six people do something to him when they were in high school?), the entire film is one big puzzle that must be watched very closely (it demands repeat viewing) if you are to receive the proper clues. When the killer, disguised as a magician says, "Guilt...is a hard-edged thing", just before dropping a sword on the movie star's head (the film's bloodiest effect), it will send a chill down your spine. While basically a riff on organized Catholicism (each person killed represents one of the Seven Deadly Sins), once you realize who the killer actually is, you'll see that screenwriter William Vernick may not be the biggest fan of religion in general. Without giving away too much, there's a scene in the beginning of the film where an altar boy is telling a dirty joke to the other boys while they're getting changed into their uniforms. When the boy from the lake doesn't laugh, the joke-teller threatens him with a knife. At the end of the film, we see the joke-teller dead with his throat slit, hidden in the back of the station wagon of a bible salesman. The entire film has an eerie vibe to it that cannot be described properly (the music helps immensely). It must be viewed to be fully appreciated. This film, along with SAVAGE WEEKEND (1976), are two unsung 70's gems just begging to be rediscovered. Starring Damien Knight, Jeanette Arnette, Nick Carter, Nikki Barthen, Michael Hollingsworth, Gyr Patterson, T.C. Finkbinder as the killer and Christopher Flint as the boy. Also known as CLASS REUNION MASSACRE (on the Continental Video label) and THE REDEEMER...SON OF SATAN. A Video Communications, Inc. (VCI) Release. Also available in a horrible transfer from Genesis Video. Rated R.

REEKER (2005) - Five college students, on their way to a rave in the desert, experience a strange phenomenon where they are seemingly stuck in time. They find themselves trapped at an abandoned motel/café, where, a few short hours before, was teeming with customers. The students, Jack (Devon Gummersall; EARTH VS. THE SPIDER - 2001), who was blinded at the age of six by a lawn darts accident; Gretchen (Tina Illman, also one of the Producers), who plays everything a little too safe; Nelson (Derek Richardson; HOSTEL - 2005), a DJ; Cookie (Arielle Kebbel; THE GRUDGE 2 - 2006), the sexpot; and Trip (Scott Whyte; DEATH ROW - 2006), a wise-ass who has just stolen a fresh batch of Ecstasy from drug dealer Radford (Eric Mabius; RESIDENT EVIL - 2002), try to figure out why they seem to be all alone (a lone radio signal implies that there has been some kind of toxic spill which has closed down all the roads), while a creature called a Reeker (David Hadinger) goes on a killing spree. Only the blind Jack senses that something extraordinarily wrong is going on, as the stench of decaying flesh fills the air. Trip heads out on his own on his skateboard to look for help and runs into Radford, whose car has broken down. While Trip is trying to avoid the wrath of Radford, he meets Henry (Michael Ironside; WATCHERS - 1988, in what amounts to nothing more than an extended cameo), who is looking for his missing wife Rose (Marcia Strassman, also in a blink-it-and-you'll-miss-it cameo). There's something off about Henry, who drives Trip back to the motel and also confides in him that he's seeing dead people (This happens after Trip pulls a living dead trucker, missing the lower half of his body, out of a garbage bin and it scuddles away by walking on it's hands!). Trip tries to siphon gas out of Henry's RV (in a funny bit, Trip mistakenly siphons the RV's septic tank first), unaware that the Reeker has already killed Henry (whenever the Reeker kills someone, they literally see their lives flash before their eyes). Trip begins seeing all the dead people, which means that he's the next victim of the Reeker's wrath (which is a shame, because he's the film's most interesting character). Cookie and Nelson are the next to die, while Jack and Gretchen try to fit all the pieces of the deadly puzzle together. Trip turns up briefly (minus an arm), just long enough to fill Jack and Gretchen in on what they are dealing with (Trip says to Jack, "At least you can still whack-off!" to which Jack dryly replies, "Use your other arm."), before he is really dispatched by the Reeker (who has a huge mechanical drain snake-like device in place of it's right arm), leaving Jack to use his heightened sense of smell to try and save their lives. What happens next is creative, as well as poignant, even if it doesn't make a lick of sense.  Not a bad little horror film considering it's low budget, director/screenwriter/co-producer Dave Payne (NOT LIKE US - 1995; ALIEN TERMINATOR - 1996), who also composed the music soundtrack, manages to cram a lot of humor and tense situations into a story that is full of unique ideas, which is why Payne probably remade the film with a slightly larger budget as NO MAN'S LAND: RISE OF THE REEKER in 2008 (which I found a little more satisfying than this if only because it expands on this film's premise). Not everything works here (For starters, the Reeker is a terribly underwritten character), but Payne at least tries to be different from the countless other DTV horror flicks that don't have an original idea in their tiny little heads. The makeup effects, using both practical effects and CGI, are very bloody (the film gets off to a gory start when a vacationing family hits a deer with their car and suffer a far worse fate than the deer, including the family's poor pet dog), but are used sparingly, so when they do come into play, they are shocking and effective. While not everything succeeds in REEKER, I applaud Dave Payne for giving us a horror film that's funny without being overly jokey (some of the dialogue is inspired, including how Jack's blindness led to a lawsuit mandating that lawn darts be made out of plastic instead of metal) and complicated enough to actually make us use our brains (the finale is unique and well-done). Make sure to read to the final credits for Payne's funny take on film reviewers. I won't hold it against you, Dave. A Showtime Entertainment DVD Release. Unrated.

THE REJUVENATOR (1988) - In this bloody updating of Roger Corman's THE WASP WOMAN (1959), Mrs. Ruth Warren (Jessica Dublin), a wealthy old woman, funds a top secret project of Dr. Ashton (John MacKay). It's a youth serum he has developed by extracting fluids from the brains of the recently deceased. There's only one drawback: The serum is temporary and it also has some other serious physical and psychological side effects. Mrs. Warren, who was an actress in her younger years and wishes to be a young actress again ("Only young actors get the good parts."), pressures Dr. Ashton to use the serum on her before his animal testing is complete. He relents and injects her with the serum. At first, things go perfectly, as Ruth becomes a vibrant young woman (played by Vivian Lanko) but, since this is a horror film, things go horribly wrong pretty quickly. The serum is like heroin, as the more Ruth uses it, the more her body becomes tolerant to it. As her demands for the serum grows, the demand for cadavers rises in kind. You can see where this is heading. When the supply of dead bodies dries up, murder becomes necessary to keep Mrs. Warren beautiful. To hide her true identity, the young Mrs. Warren passes herself off as Elizabeth, the niece of Mrs. Warren. Elizabeth and Dr. Ashton begin an affair, much to the displeasure of her lifelong manservant Wilhelm (James Hogue), who has been holding a torch for Mrs. Warren for many years. Dr. Ashton should have kept a closer eye on his test rat. It has morphed into a hideous bloodthirsty monster, which is exactly what Elizabeth turns into when she doesn't get her injections in time. Elizabeth ends up cruising bars, killing men and women so Dr. Ashton can get the brain juce he needs to make the serum. She even goes as far as removing the brains of her victims with her bare hands. When Elizabeth discovers that eating the brains of her victims produces the same effect as the serum, Dr. Ashton must find a way to synthesize the serum before more people die. The best laid plans.......  This splattery horror flick takes a while to get rolling but, once it does, it offers a lot of bloody imagery and gruesome goodness. Director Brian Thomas Jones (ESCAPE FROM SAFEHAVEN - 1988), who co-wrote the script with genre vet Simon Nuchtern (SILENT MADNESS - 1984), patterns much of the film after RE-ANIMATOR (1985), right up to a sub-plot about a rival doctor trying to steal Dr. Ashton's work. Wilhelm's devotion to Mr.s Warren also brings up images of a similar plot in the classic SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950). The script is littered with witty lines, such as when two coke-sniffing party girls see Elizabeth get ugly in the ladies room. One of them says to the other, "As soon as a club gets hot, they let in the bridge and tunnel crowd!" There's plenty of gore, especially in the final third, as you will view brain removal and eating, a nasty neck-twisting (resulting in the head snapping off the body), a fist through the stomach and exiting out the back and various goopy transformations (effects supplied by Ed French [BREEDERS - 1986]). The finale is especially memorable and is sure to please fans of extreme horror. THE REJUVENATOR (also known as REJUVENATRIX) is a pretty good example of what you can do with a limited budget and a lot of imagination. This one's a keeper. Original music by the Poison Dollys. Also starring Katell Pleven, Marcus Powell and Roy MacArthur. A Sony Video Software Company Release. Rated R.

REST IN PIECES (1987) - Combination haunted house thriller/slasher flick filmed back-to-back with EDGE OF THE AXE by director Jose Ramon Larraz (using the pseudonym "Joseph Braunstein" on both films) and utilizing many of the same cast and crew. Helen Hewitt (Lorin Jean Vail) and her husband Bob (Scott Thompson Baker) fly from Los Angeles to Spain to say goodbye to Helen's dead Aunt Catherine (Dorothy Malone, a long way from the Hope/Crosby ROAD pictures, because all she basically does throughout this film is smile, point directly into the camera and call-out Helen's name) and when they view her body in her coffin, she suddenly sits up, scaring the crap out of Helen ("Don't worry, it's a common occurrence", says the funeral director, which is a crock of shit). Aunt Catherine is then cremated and the ashes are given to Helen, but when she leaves the funeral parlor, a strange wind kicks-up, knocking the urn out of Helen's hands and blowing Aunt Catherine's ashes into the wild (When some of Catherine's ashes blow into her mansion, the maid says, "She has returned!" and the butler adds, "Just like she promised!"). Could this be an omen of things to come? You bet your ass. Catherine's lawyer warns Helen that her Aunt suffered from a mental illness and committed suicide in front of a video camera. That videotape became Catherine's last will and testament and Helen and Bob are about to watch the footage. Aunt Catherine comes on screen and rails against Helen's mother, saying "You should have been my daughter!", yet she bequeaths her entire fortune, including the mansion, to Helen, before she downs a drink laced with strychnine and passes away on-screen. Bob seems very happy about becoming an "instant millionaire", but Helen seems more worried about why the lawyer refuses to go to the mansion with them. Once at the mansion (it looks more like a split-level ranch than a mansion), Helen and Bob are greeted by Lisa (Carol James), the maid, and Luis (Tony Isbert), the butler/gardener and Helen notices a garage full of vintage cars, including a Rolls Royce that starts-up by itself. Before they even settle in, strange things begin to happen, like Bob's clothes changing position in the bedroom closet and the bathroom suddenly taking a life of its own, with the shower curtain nearly suffocating Helen while she is taking a bath. Helen swears she saw a smiling Catherine trying to kill her, but Bob thinks she just fell asleep in the tub and the shower curtain came loose (Yeah, right, shit like that happens every day!). Helen and Bob then meet all their strange neighbors, including blind author David Hume (Jack Taylor), lesbian Gertrude (Patty Shepard), Dr. Anderson (David Rose), Mr. Whitmore (Robert Case) and Reverend Flaherty (Jeffrey Segal), who all live in chalets on Aunt Catherine's property and don't pay a cent in rent (which Bob finds peculiar). The neighbors also attend regularly scheduled "concerts", which end in some deadly ritual we are not yet privy to. The neighbors feel that the sudden appearance of Helen and Bob will put a damper on their "concerts", but Helen has more serious problems on her hands, like seeing Aunt Catherine at the most inopportune times, getting obscene phone calls and being locked in the garage and nearly asphyxiating on the exhaust fumes. Is it possible that Aunt Catherine is still alive? And how is it tied to the neighbors' "concerts", where we find out that they kill the classical musicians they hire to play, chop-up their bodies and eat their flesh? Maybe the connection lies in the abandoned house across the street and the fact that all the neighbors committed suicide years ago? If Bob wasn't so interested in finding Aunt Catherine's hidden money (she didn't believe in banks and there is close to $8,000,000 somewhere in the house), maybe Helen wouldn't have to put up with all this shit alone. Do you think you know how this is going to end?  Director Jose Ramon Larraz (WHIRLPOOL- 1970; THE HOUSE THAT VANISHED - 1973; VAMPYRES - 1974; SAVAGE LUST - 1989) and screenwriter Santiago Moncada (THE SWAMP OF THE RAVENS - 1974) have fashioned a creepy, if far-fetched, horror film that touches on themes previously explored in films like PSYCHOMANIA (a.k.a. THE DEATH WHEELERS - 1971), whereby committing suicide under certain circumstances can lead to immortality, only REST IN PIECES adds the extra ingredient that you must resort to murder and cannibalism on a regular basis to maintain that immortality. Both Scott Thompson Baker and Lorin Jean Vail are stiff as boards (although Ms. Vail does look good in her many topless scenes), but the neighbors, which includes genre vets Jack Taylor (NIGHT OF THE SORCERERS - 1973), Patty Shepard (THE WITCHES' MOUNTAIN - 1972) and the hulking Fernando Bilboa (a.k.a. "Fred Harris"; EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000 - 1983), are the real stars here, whipping out knives and other bladed objects (Taylor has a retractable knife in his cane) and slashing people until they are bloody raw, then chopping-up their bodies with meat cleavers for chow and discarding the unwanted parts (like the feet) in a furnace. Some parts of the film are shocking in the matter-of-factness way these neighbors are shown killing their victims (including a classical string quartet who never see it coming). While not without its faults (especially the acting talents of the two leads and a flashback to a mass fake-stabbing that must be seen to be disbelieved), this film is still an entertaining and bloody horror film. Also starring Daniel Katz and Antonio Ross. Originally released on VHS by LIVE Home Video and not available on DVD. Not Rated.

THE RESURRECTED (1991) - Excellent horror thriller, loosely based on H.P. Lovecraft's "The Case Of Charles Dexter Ward". The majority of the film is told in flashback (in some cases, there are flashbacks within a flashback within a flashback within a flashback!) as we follow the exploits of private investigator March (John Terry). He accepts a case offered to him by Claire Ward (Jane Sibbett) to find out what exactly her husband Charles (Chris Sarandon) is doing with the shipments of animal bones and blood that are delivered to his farmhouse in a small Rhode Island town. Slowly we learn that Charles has inherited the secret of resurrecting the dead (using only the bones or cremated remains from the deceased), a secret passed to him by his great great great great grandfather, who was identical in appearance to Charles. The resurrection process has a drawback: If the deceased remains are not complete, they come back to life in a hideous, mutated form. This is one review where I will not give away any more plot, except to say that Charles is not who he appears to be. The rest I will leave for your viewing pleasure. This terrifying and spellbinding feature starts out deliberately slow, drawing the viewer deeper and deeper into the unknown. The flashback device is never obtrusive. It instead allows the viewer to pick up clues along the way. There are some truly masterful sequences in this film, such as when Claire, March and his assistant (Robert Romanus) discover a secret passage in Charles' farmhouse and decide to investigate. What they discover you will not soon forget. All the performances are top-notch, especially those by Terry (HAWK THE SLAYER - 1981), Chris Sarandon (CHILD'S PLAY - 1988) and Robert Romanus (FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH - 1982). This is Dan O'Bannon's first directorial feature since his 1985 hit RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD and he sure delivers the goods: Enough atmosphere for a dozen films, bloody and effective effects, a good sense of humor and above all, it never bores. THE RESURRECTED is a hundred times better than most direct-to-video fare, which raises the question: Why didn't it get a theatrical release? This filmed-in Vancouver, B.C. masterpiece richly deserved one! THE RESURRECTED is bound to become a cult classic. To see how Lovecraft should not be adapted for the screen, see the review for CTHULHU MANSION. A LIVE Home Video Release. Available on DVD from Lions Gate Home Entertainment. Rated R.

RETURN OF THE FAMILY MAN (1989) - Pretty bad South Africa-lensed horror flick that is full of characters you want to grab by the collar and punch in the face. A group of obnoxious overage teens, including pizza delivery boy Alden (Liam Cundill), who is on the run from drug dealers after witnessing a multiple murder in a deal gone wrong, vacation at a run-down mansion deep in (what's supposed to be) the Pacific Northwest woods. Trouble is, they are not alone in the mansion, as a notorious serial killer known as the Family Man (Ron Smerczak) has just escaped after killing everyone in the bus transporting him (including his fellow prisoners) and he has come home (the mansion was his family home before he killed them all and ten other families before being caught). Besides the nervous Alden, the rest of the cast are straight out of Stereotypes 101: English Billy Idol-wannabe Weasel (Adrian Galley); sexpot and bubblehead Libby (Debra Kaye); good girl Vickie (Michelle Constant, who has a nose as big as the great outdoors); Marty (Kurt Egelhof), a Hindi Indian who's great with electronics (aren't they all?); Vickie's unfaithful boyfriend Brian (Terence Reis); French foreign exchange student Sylvie (Dominique Moser); and plain jane Evelyn (Victoria Bawcombe). After 55 minutes of sexual hijinks, house cleaning and baseball practice (!), the Family Man finally arrives, kills Sylvie and the rest of the group go looking for her the next morning. Brian finds a room hidden behind a brick wall which contains the skeletal remains of the Family Man's family and a small fortune in money, but doesn't get a chance to tell anyone as the Family Man caves his head in with a sledgehammer. The rest of the gang bands together and, with the help of Marty's homemade weapons (including a bomb stuffed with nails and an aerosol flame thrower), try to defend themselves from the maniac. They fail, of course (he's virtually indestructable), but Alden, Vickie and Weasel manage to trap the Family Man in an abandoned well in the backyard and drop a huge propane tank on him that is detonated with the late Marty's bomb. Rest in pieces, Family Man!  Directed (and co-written) by-the-numbers by John Murlowski (AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION - 1993; CONTAGION - 2001), this is a slow-moving and rather bloodless slasher film. The violence is tame, as the camera tends to pull away just as it's about to get interesting. The best part is when Libby sets the Family Man's head on fire with the homemade flame thrower. Rather than running around screaming in pain, he calmly reaches for a towel, puts out the flames (his whole head is a charred mess) and shoves Libby's face into the spinning blades of a blender. What's really distracting about this whole production (besides Michelle Constant's huge honker) is that everyone talks in that English/German dialect that can only come from South Africa. Why is it set in America in the first place? When the sheriff (co-scripter Karl Johnson) says the word "peckerwood" in his fake American accent, you'll either laugh or throw your hands up in the air in disbelief. How come South African filmmakers think all Americans speak with a Southern accent and isn't this supposed to take place in the Pacific Northwest anyway? Even with his accent, Ron Smerczak is quite good as the family-hating serial killer. The problem is that director Murlowski refuses to let him go full-tilt bozo and keeps it restrained when he should be chewing up the scenery (as well as the cast). You can skip this one unless you are a slasher film completist. A Raedon Home Video Release. Not Rated.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III (1993) - It's a rare occasion when a sequel matches or surpasses the quality of the original film and it's even rarer when a third film does the same thing. I'm glad to say RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III is that film, but with a few caveats. The original RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985) is a classic gore comedy, a laugh-out-loud funny take-off of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) that works thanks to a talented cast, taut direction by Dan O'Bannon (THE RESURRECTED - 1992) and a script (also by O'Bannon) that never takes itself too seriously, but doesn't skimp on the scares. Ken Wiederhorn's RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD PART II (1987) is a vastly inferior sequel that's a total waste of time, as Wiederhorn's script goes the AIRPLANE (1980) route, parodying the genre with a non-stop barrage of unfunny jokes and visuals. Thankfully, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III goes in the exact opposite direction, playing everything with a deadly serious tone and not leaving room for much humor. Curt Reynolds (J. Trevor Edmond) steals his father's high security keycard and brings his girlfriend Julie (Mindy Clarke), who has an unhealthy obsession with death, to a top-secret government lab to secretly watch his father, Col. John Reynolds (Kent McCord), perform an experiment where he reanimates a corpse using the poison gas 2-4-5 Trioxin in hopes of creating the perfect undead military killing machine. When the experiment goes horribly wrong and a couple of technicians end up dead (one of them is portrayed by genre director Anthony Hickox), Col. Reynolds is immediately reassigned and must report to another base in a different state in two weeks. When he tells Curt that they will have to move yet again (being a military brat is tough), Curt rebels and takes off on hjis motorcycle with Julie as his passenger, only to end up getting into an accident where Julie slams into a telephone pole and dies. Curt gets the bright idea to bring Julie back to life using the 2-4-5 Trioxin, so he brings her back to the lab, opens a canister of the gas and revives her. He is not quite prepared to handle what he has just created. When Julie complains that she is "hungry", he brings her to a convenience store, where they run afoul of a Spanish gang led by Santos (Mike Moroff), that ends with Julie biting one of the gang members and the store manager getting shot. This sets off a series of events where Julie begins chowing-down on the brains of several people, leading Curt and Julie to escape into the sewers, where they are befriended by a crazy coot named Riverman (Basil Wallace). Santos and his gang follow them into the sewer, while Col. Reynolds is left with the chore of cleaning-up Julie's messes and containing the infectious outbreak. Julie is able to temporarily curb her hunger by self-inflicting severe pain, so she begins piercing every inch of her body with any sharp object she can find, including nails, coil springs and shards of metal and glass. She is not able to sate her appetite for very long, though, and soon begins putting the bite on everyone she runs across. Just as she is about to devour Curt, Col. Reynolds saves the day and stops her with an experimental rifle that instantly freezes the infected. Julie is brought back to the lab, where she is to be used in a new experiment conducted by Col. Reynolds' replacement, Lt. Col. Sinclair (Sarah Douglas). When Curt catches a glimpse of what is about to happen to Julie, he sets her free, which results in the entire facility going into lockdown when a horde of the infected undead are released in the melee. It all ends on a fatalistic, but fitting, note.  Besides a few lapses in logic (Why in the hell would they bring Curt back to the lab and let him walk around freely?) and some hinky acting (especially by Pia Reeves, who portrays Alicia, the female member of Santos' gang), this film is a bloody good show that is bolstered immensely by Mindy (later known as Melinda) Clarke's nuanced performance as Julie. She's simply wonderful here as a girl who was clearly troubled when alive, which only makes her undead status all the more fascinating and tragic. Director Brian Yuzna (SOCIETY - 1989; THE DENTIST - 1996; PROGENY - 1998) gets a lot out of his obviously small budget, especially in the makeup effects department. People are gnawed, eaten, ripped apart (especially Santos getting his head ripped away from his body with the spinal column still attached) and shotgunned, but nothing comes close to Julie's ritualistic piercing of her entire body. It's a thing of unflinching beauty. If you want to view all this carnage, you'll have to search for a copy of Vidmark Entertainment's Unrated VHS tape (they also put out an R-rated cut, so be careful), because the DVD put out by Lionsgate Home Entertainment is the R-rated edit that omits nearly everything I have described in this review. Also starring James D. Callahan, Sal Lopez, Fabio Urena and Jill Andre. Unrated.

RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP (2008) - It's been 25 years since the infamous murder spree at Camp Arawak, committed by transgendered teen Angela Baker (Felissa Rose; CORPSES ARE FOREVER - 2003; DEAD AND GONE - 2007). Well, the camp has been reopened, renamed (to Camp Manabe) and restaffed by new owner Frank (Vincent Pastore; BLACK ROSES - 1988). Yes, it's a recipe for a new disaster. This film centers on fat, pug-nosed, loud-mouthed and repugnant camp member Alan (Michael Gibney), who doesn't get along with anyone, including the other kids in his cabin and camp counselor Randy (Brye Cooper), who seems to take pleasure in torturing Alan (It's not like Alan doesn't deserve it, though, because he's really an annoying sack of shit). When Alan goes to the camp's kitchen, run by Chef Charlie (the late Isaac Hayes in a cameo parodying his Chef character on SOUTH PARK), he gets into a fight with kitchen staffer Mickey (Lenny Vento) and almost kills Mickey by throwing a butcher knife at him. Frank wants to punish Alan, but he runs away into the woods (after calling Frank a "Big Pussy", a sly reference to Pastore's Mob nickname on THE SOPRANOS), so Frank sends Alan's half-brother Michael (Michael Werner) to go fetch him. A short time later, Mickey is dunked head-first into the deep fryer by someone wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and black gloves, who then puts Mickey's body into a plastic bag and stuffs him in the trash compactor. Is it possible that Alan is the killer? Alan has the hots for female camper Karen (Erin Broderick), but fellow campers T.C. (Christopher Shand) and Bella (Shahidah McIntosh), as well as stoners Weed (Adam Wylie) and Stan (Chaz Brewer), who make Alan smoke a joint containing cow manure, are always picking on him and interrupting his romantic overtures (if you want to call them that). Later that night, the killer ties-up Weed, force-feeds him gasoline and sticks a joint in his mouth, forcing Weed to go up in flames from the inside out when the joint is lit. Is it possible Alan is the killer? Sheriff Jerry looks into the rumor that Angela Baker has escaped from the insane asylum, so he interviews Angela's brother Ricky (Jonathan Tiersten, returning from the first film), who assures the sheriff that Angela is still locked up. Alan keeps suffering humiliation after humiliation (everyone at paintball uses him as a target; Michael skins all of his pet frogs; T.C. gives him an atomic wedgie and throws him in the lake in front of all the other campers, where they learn he cannot swim; Karen tricks him into playing Spin The Bottle, only to have him appear with his pants around his ankles on the camp's stage), until he snaps and runs away. Then the killings really start. Frank has his head trapped in a birdcage while the killer sticks a rat in the cage to keep him company. Randy is tied to a tree and has his family jewels yanked-off with fishing line. Randy's girlfriend Linda (Jackie Tohn) gets a barb wire necktie. T.C. gets a sharp stick rammed through his eye and Bella dies when a bed of nails falls on her. Is Alan the real killer or is it someone else? Don't read the rest of the review if you don't want the answer.  Oh my god, this is a bad film (originally lensed in 2003, but not obtaining a release until 2008), but it's bad in the best way possible. Director/screenwriter Robert Hiltzig, who performed the same duties in the original SLEEPAWAY CAMP (1983; he basically ignores the two sequels, SLEEPAWAY CAMP 2: UNHAPPY CAMPERS [1988] and SLEEPAWAY CAMP III: TEENAGE WASTELAND [1989], both directed by Michael Simpson, as well as the unfinished third sequel, SLEEPAWAY CAMP IV: THE SURVIVOR [1992], all available as part of Anchor Bay Entertainment's SLEEPAWAY CAMP SURVIVAL KIT DVD box set), tosses-in plenty of bad acting (Michael Gibney as Alan is so over-the-top, he transcends badness and enters a whole new plateau of "acting". Paul DeAngelo, one of the returning actors from the original film [he plays sympathetic counselor Ronnie here] proves he hasn't learned a lick of acting in 25 years) and red herrings, but the killer is so obvious, you'll have to be blind not to spot it. As soon as the character of Sheriff Jerry is introduced early in the film, it's quite plain to see that it is actress Felissa Rose under heavy makeup (a beard and a ridiculous fake nose). The fact that Sheriff Jerry can only speak with one of those electronic voice wands (supposedly because of cancer caused by smoking) is another plot device that tips its hand much too early, so when Angela finally reveals her true self in the film's closing moments (and she does the same scream she did in the finale of the first film, minus the penis shot), the only one who should be surprised is the family dog (and it would have to be one dumb dog!). I do have to say that this film does have its perverse charms and some of the effects are very gory, but this is by no means a whole-hearted recommendation on my part. It's terrible, but it wallows in its terribleness, which makes it slightly more watchable than the average badfilm. Make sure you stay until after the closing credits to see the film's bloodiest effect. Also starring Kate Simses, Jaime Radon, Paul Iacono and Jake O'Conner. A Magnolia Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

REVENGE OF THE LIVING ZOMBIES (1988) - Nearly every living dead film since NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD has followed the same formula: Something brings the dead back to life and they in turn go on to chow down and infect a group of trapped innocents. Some are done well, such as DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) and RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985). Some are okay, such as Lucio Fulci's ZOMBIE (1979) and Umberto Lenzi's CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD (1983). Some are bitter disappointments, such as this one (and countless others). It's a pity, too, because quadruple threat (Director, Producer, Screenwriter & Star) Bill Hinzman was also involved with the classic NIGHT, portraying the first onscreen zombie who attacks Russell Streiner and Judith O'Dea. In REVENGE, he basically plays the same role in the same makeup! A farmer unearths Hinzman's chained-up coffin and opens it, unleashing his living dead body, causing a series of zombie attacks which infects half the population of a small town on Halloween night. The rest of the film consists of people being bitten (some of the effects are bloody and well done) or of people fighting back, shooting the zombies in the head. The finale is a direct steal from NIGHT: The couple who have survived attacks throughout the film are mistaken for zombies and shot in the head by a hunting party. I was quite surprised at the high quality of the makeup effects on display here (many of the X-rated variety), but the sad fact is good effects do not make a good film. You also need a good story, professional acting and talent behind the scenes. You'll find none of that here. Hinzman, who also directed the interesting failure THE MAJORETTES (1986) and photographed the mega-bomb CAPTURED ALIVE (1995), stumbles and fumbles at every turn. There are no surprises, just telegraphed shocks that are highly unoriginal. There's an old saying that goes, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." REVENGE, originally titled FLESHEATER, and also known as ZOMBIE NOSH, is just a quick means of making a fast buck. Also starring John Mowod, Leslie Ann Wick, Kevin Kindlin and James J. Rutan. A Magnum Entertainment VHS Release. Available on DVD from Shriek Show. Unrated.

REVENGE OF THE RADIOACTIVE REPORTER (1989) - Ace reporter Mike R. Wave (David Scammell) is working on a story about negligence at a nuclear power plant facility. When he confronts the board of directors of the facility about recent deaths and deformed babies being born because of radioactive leaks, he is tossed into a vat of nuclear waste where he transforms into the title creation: a hideously burned and deformed reporter in a hat and trenchcoat whose touch means instant death. Thinking Mike to be dead, the board decides to get rid of all the evidence, including Mike's fiance, Rochelle (Kathryn Boese). Easier said than done, as Rochelle has a toxic avenger protecting her. Rochelle joins forces with Mike's brother, Joe (Randy Pearlstein), to find the truth, while Mike disposes of the people responsible for his condition. This juvenile horror/comedy contains more infantile jokes than a year's worth of fifth grade children. Characters are given names such as Peter Spurtz, Dick Swell and Cher Noble and the jokes and one-liners are strictly sexual in nature (and you've heard them at least a hundred times before). The acting also leaves a lot to be desired, especially from Randy Pearlstein, who emotes like he is reading his lines off of cue cards. There are some good effects (face burnings, a head smashing and other body dismemberments), but the humor is so puerile that it makes Troma's THE TOXIC AVENGER (1985) seem sophisticated. Executive producer Howard Goldfarb was sentenced to six years in prison for bilking director Craig Pryce (THE DARK - 1993) and Pryceless Prods. out of more than $300,000 in distribution rights to this film. I have the feeling the wrong person went to jail. So will you after viewing this sophormoric mess. Also known as ATOMIC REPORTER. A Magnum Entertainment VHS Release. Not Rated.

RISE OF THE DEAD (2007) - After Sally Sherman (Brooke Delaney) kills her husband, Sam (Patrick Pope), with an eating utensil for seemingly no reason at all, Laura (Erin Wilk) is attacked while leaving a bar by a man (who moves in herky-jerky blurs, an editing effect I'm growing quite tired of), but Laura's boyfriend, Jack (Stephen Seidel), runs him over with a truck, killing him. How are these two murders connected? The police have a hard time believing Laura and Jack's story, since the man Jack killed was a well-respected lawyer in town. Laura is suddenly haunted by nightmares about the death of a little baby boy (the adopted son of Sally and Sam), who was tragically killed when he grabbed Sam's pistol off the coffee table and shot himself. Laura's roommate, Amber (Jaime Whitlock), is viciously stabbed to death by a stranger who breaks into their house and when Laura comes home with Jack, the stranger attacks Laura, forcing Jack to stab him in the back, killing him (Lucky for Laura that she has Jack around!). It doesn't sit too well with the police, especially Sheriff Brown (Peter Blitzer), that Laura and Jack have been involved in two deaths and when it's revealed that Sally and Sam's dead adopted son was actually Laura's illegitimate baby that she gave up for adoption, Sheriff Brown grows more suspicious of Laura, but he can't prove anything. Laura goes to stay at her mother's house (with a cop car parked outside for protection), but it's easy to see Laura and her Mom don't get along (Mom is a religious nut who got pregnant with Laura when she was sixteen). When Mom seemingly goes bonkers and tries to kill Laura and Deputy Greer (Executive Producer Chris Ferry; TRYST - 2005) with a golf club, Mom is committed to an asylum, the same institute where Sally Sherman is a patient. Sally tells Laura that her dead baby was cursed (yeah, the curse of being born a bastard!) and his ghost is possessing people to kill Laura (This is the first time Laura learns that her baby is dead). Sally also tells Laura that she must find the baby's first adoptive family to learn the truth. Deputy Greer becomes possessed by the baby and is shot dead by Sheriff Brown when he tries to strangle Laura, but when the Sheriff becomes possessed by the baby from Hell immediately after Greer's death, Laura is going to have to find the first adoptive family as quickly as possible. Laura finds them, Barbara and Hank Clemens (Emily Ackerman and Doug Sobon), only to discover that they are so uber-religious, they were deemed to be unfit parents. They cursed the baby as it was taken away from them and it seems the curse stuck. Laura and Jack must find a way to lift the curse and put the baby boy to rest before anyone remotely close to Laura ends up possessed or dead. How Laura does this is one of the worst "What The Fuck?!?" moments I have ever witnessed.  This ultra-low-budget horror film (originally filmed on a budget of $20,000 as TANTRUM and also known as GHOST BABY), directed by first-timer William Wedig and scripted by Joshua & Jeffrey Crook (directors/writers of SALVAGE [2006], also starring Chris Ferry) and Kris Scotto, has a few effective scenes but is otherwise a pretty laughable affair. Especially funny is the way all those people possessed by the dead baby begin drooling from their mouths and dripping snot from their noses while making "goo-goo" and "ga-ga" noises on the badly overdubbed soundtrack. While there are a few bloody moments (a couple of gory stabbings) and instances of female nudity (including the obligatory shower scene), the premise is so ludicrous, it's hard to take anything seriously, which I doubt was the objective of the filmmakers. By the time we get to the outrageous finale, where Laura makes love to a possessed Jack (thereby fucking her own baby!) in order to plant her baby's seed into her to get pregnant, you'll either be throwing your hands up in the air in disgust or laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. I chose to laugh, because it is obvious that director Wedig and the screenwriters were trying to makle a statement about the insanity of religion (all the religious people in this film are either hypocrites or full-blown nut jobs), but they failed miserably. What they did do was make a 72 minute unintentional comedy about a killer baby ghost. Think about that for a minute. Is a baby even mentally capable to understand the complex mechanizations that is possession? Also starring Vickie Meyers (who died shortly after this film was finished), Matt Regney and Jack Gordon as Cade, the killer baby. A Lionsgate Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

ROCKTOBER BLOOD (1984) - Another turgid 80's stalk 'n' slash flick with a rock 'n' roll band as a backdrop, just as with TERROR ON TOUR (1980), HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1985), ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE (1987), BLACK ROSES (1988) and many others. After a late night recording session, lead singer Billy Harper (Tray Loren) begins killing the technicians and groupies (slit throat, impalement on coat hooks) and is caught and executed after killing 25 people. Two years pass and former backup singer and now lead singer Lynn Starling (Donna Scoggins), whose testimony led to Billy's execution, has reformed the band, renamed it Headmistress and they are about to headline a huge rock tour. A person dressed as Death corners Lynn backstage and when he takes the mask off, it turns out to be Billy, who says, "I'm back!" Her manager, Chris (Nigel Benjamin), doesn't believe her and tells her to go to a secluded cabin in the woods with some backup dancers to relax before the tour starts. Bad idea. Lynn (who was under psychiatric care after witnessing Billy's first murder spree) begins getting obscene phone calls from Billy ("I want your hot pussy blood all over my face!") and sees him lurking in the woods, but no one believes her. Billy then kills everyone at the cabin, hides their bodies and terrorizes Lynn, leading her to accidentally stab Chris (he survives). Chris thinks Lynn is going crazy, especially when she wants to dig up Billy's body to prove he's still alive. She goes to the grave with Chris and Honey Bear (Cana Cockrell) and they find his rotting corpse in the coffin. So, is Lynn crazy or not? If not, who is this person killing all these people? You will find out on the opening night of the tour. It seems that Billy had a twin brother named John and he killed all those people two years earlier. Lynn sent the wrong man to his death. Now, John has come back and is chasing Lynn backstage, trying to tell her that he actually wrote all the songs, not Billy, and he's not happy with her performance of them (neither am I). It's going to be a killer opening show.  This is one of a slew of regional films made by husband/wife team of Ferd and Beverly Sebastian (GATOR BAIT - 1973; BLOODY FRIDAY - 1973; FLASH AND THE FIRECAT - 1975 and many more). They usually co-directed all their features together, except for this one (Beverly directed it alone. They both co-produced and scripted.), which could explain why it's worse than most of their other films. The acting in this one is especially sub-par, as no one here could act their way out of a paper bag, but at least Donna Scoggins gets naked often (and looks good, too). The kills are rather tame and bloodless, consisting of a drowning in a hottub, a steam iron to the throat and a stabbing. The bloodiest part of the film is the concluding concert, where John dons the Death disguise, sings a song ("There's A Killer On The Loose") and actually disembowels one dancer with a lance and beheads another while the audience screams with delight, thinking it's part of the stage show. Things get surreal when John unmasks himself onstage, handcuffs himself to Lynn and the band plays on as if everything is normal! The only plus is that Tray Loren looks like he's actually singing (he's not) and the band is actually playing live (they are). The songs aren't really that bad if you compare them to the songs in other films of this sub-genre. The film has a non-ending, as it freezes on John's face when he sings the final song ("I'm Back"). Proceed at your own risk. Also starring Renee Hubbard, Tony Rista and Ben Sebastian (I smell nepotism!). A Vestron Video Release. Rated R.

ROUTE 666 (2001) - I have to admit: I was expecting a lot more from this one than what I got. It is the first film from director William Wesley since 1988's SCARECROWS. It has a novel idea that concerns four convicts, murdered 30 years ago and buried under the titled roadway, who appear when they smell blood and slaughter people with jackhammers , picks and sledgehammers. And it stars Lou Diamond Phillips, Lori Petti, Steven Williams, Dale Midkiff and L.Q.Jones. So what is wrong with this picture? For starters, the characters are so totally unbelievable that I stared in utter amazement watching people do things that no normal person would ever dream of doing in the same situation. Phillips and Petti are Special Agents assigned to bring captured witness Williams ( "X" on THE X-FILES) to L.A. to testify in a mobster's trial. They, along with Agents Midkiff (NIGHTMARE WEEKEND - 1985; PET SEMATARY - 1989), Alex McArthur (RAMPAGE - 1988) and Mercedes Colon, take the titled shortcut to make up lost time and run smack dab into the aforementioned dead convicts, one of whom happens to be Phillips' dead father! How's that for coincidences? They are also being chased buy a Russian hitman (Sven-Ole Thorsen of THE RUNNING MAN [1987]) and the Sheriff (Jones of THE WITCHMAKER [1969]) who murdered and buried the convicts 30 years earlier. Every time blood is spilled the dead ones show up to pummel, hack and jackhammer in graphic detail the hapless victims. The whole film seems rather disjointed, like chunks of the screenplay were tossed out the window in favor of action. That would all be fair and good except the action scenes are so lazily shot (with what I call "shaken camera syndrome") and edited (one wooden crate explodes three times in one gunfight scene!!!) that one wishes that there were a coherent story to go along with this mess. How can you justify the scene of  McArthur and Colon making out in their SUV while their charge is hancuffed to a car in the blistering heat? Or how about when Midkiff gets drunk waiting for backup? Professionals would never do this. Williams overacts to the point that you want to bitch-slap his ass (he does get in a sly X-FILES reference, though).  Phillips underacts (even worse than his performance in BATS - 1999) and Petti, well, let's just say Petti is being Petti. On the plus side, there's the convicts themselves, a frightening concoction of burnt, cracked skin and lethal silent fury. There's also some nice desert scenery, an abandoned drive-in, some decent (if somewhat quick) gore and a strange final scene between Phillips and his dead father. It's also good to see L.Q. Jones back on the screen. He always lends an air of professionalism to everything he's in.  One only hopes director Wesley picks a better script (he co-wrote this one) and doesn't wait another 13 years before he makes another movie. It seems he got rusty in between films. Better luck next time. A Lions Gate Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

THE RUINING (1993/1997) - You know you're in for trouble when Troma President Lloyd Kaufman comes on screen and apologizes for the condition of the print that is about to be shown on their DVD. He's absolutely correct. It's scratchy, choppy, missing a lot of frames and the sound is mixed all wrong (all the sound comes from the back speakers on a Dolby system). He also should have warned you that the film itself is also a stinker that, besides a couple of scenes, is not worth the plastic it's pressed on. Two obnoxious couples become stuck in a hicktown after one of them accidentally shoots their SUV with a gun. They run into a farmer (Robert Silverman of SCANNERS - 1981) and his retarded adopted daughter Becky (who acts like a dog), who the farmer found 17 years earlier abandoned in a burlap sack, the product of an incestuous relationship. The farmer also sells the town psychedelic eggs, laid by a special chicken which cause the eaters to experience acid trips filled with strange visuals (including a mutated chicken hatching from a giant egg). The town is absolutely hooked on the eggs and are surprised when the two couples don't order eggs with their beers when at the bar! Not much of the rest of the films makes much sense as the couples bicker and cheat on each other, two are killed (one of the men smears peanut butter on his dick and has Becky lick it off until it goes too far and she ends up biting it off!), there's a barn full of body parts and the ending makes absolutely no sense. Director/writer/star Chris Burgard (who usually acted in films such as SYNGENOR - 1990) started this film in 1993 and had to halt production because one of the producers ran off with the money. He resumed over four years later with the same cast (it's obvious that some of them gained weight and lost some hair) and hasn't been able to get it released until 2004, thanks to Troma, who'll release anything. The DVD case states that the film stars Wings Hauser and Patrick Warburton. Hauser shows up in one scene playing a parody of himself and punches a local punk out when he calls him David Hasselhoff! Warburton shows up in one scene as a patron of the local strip bar. Nobody ever accused Troma of truth in advertising. The presentation of the film is nearly unwatchable in the state it is offered here but I doubt that all the restoration in the world would make this a better film. It does try to be something different but fails on all levels. It ruined my evening. A Troma DVD Release filled with their usual bunch of trailers, music videos, fake PSA's and a short behind the scenes documentary on the film. It's actually more interesting than the film itself. Not Rated.

SATAN'S BABY DOLL (1982) - At the wake of Maria Aguilar (Marina Hedman), family and staff stand solemnly around her body when it suddenly sits upright, scaring the shit out of her daughter Miria (Jacqueline Dupre). The family doctor, Juan Suarez (Alfonso Gaita), explains to husband Antonio (Aldo Sambrell) that his dead wife's movement was nothing but a muscle spasm, but Antonio (who is a intravenous drug user) believes his wife was trying to tell Miria her secrets. While Antonio is shooting-up in his bedroom, his paraplegic wheelchair-bound mute brother, Ignazio (Joe Davers), is watching housekeeper (and soon-to-be nun) Sol (Mariangela Giordino) masturbate in her bed. When Antonio catches Ignazio getting an eyefull, he takes out his frustrations on Sol instead, berating her for performing such lewd acts. While Miria is lying in her bed, she hears her mother's voice calling her, so she goes down to the crypt in the cavernous basement, where she spots butler Isidro (Giancarlo Del Duca) geeking a chicken and she sees her dead mother's nude body open her eyes. Miria is convinced her mother wants to tell her something, but Dr. Suarez wants to put her in a psychiatric hospital instead. Before he is able to do so, Dr. Suarez has a heart attack in the crypt when he imagines that Maria (who was once his lover) has come back to life (And just what was the good doctor about to do with that huge hypodermic needle?). The ironfisted Antonio orders Isidro to hide the doctor's body in the castle's vast dungeon crypt and warns Sol to keep her mouth shut. Isidro performs another ritual in the crypt  using a mummified corpse, which makes Miria masturbate in her bedroom and then again hear her mother's voice, who orders her to "kill mercilessly" everyone in the castle. Isidro is the first to die when the mummified corpse seemingly comes to life and strangles him while a possessed Miria stares into his eyes. Ignazio is the next to die when he also seemingly gets up from his wheelchair and falls into an open crypt. After Antonio shoots-up again, he imagines making love to Maria, only to realize a short time later that he's making love to his own daughter. He backs away in disgust and falls down a stairwell, killing himself. The last one left is Sol, who goes down to the crypt, lies naked on top of Maria's body and is crushed to death when Maria gives her a dealdy bearhug. With Miria the only person left alive (and the only truly innocent one), Maria can now rest in peace.  This sleazy Italian/Spanish co-production doesn't make much sense, but it sure ain't boring. Director Mario Bianchi (THE BLACK MAID - 1976; THE MURDER SECRET - 1989), here using the pseudonym "Alan W. Cools", ladles on the sex and sleaze, including full-frontal male and female nudity, including a scene where Sol gives Ignazio a spongebath and spends most of the time with her hands on his penis. While it's clear that there's a lot of dark secrets in the Aguilar family (The question soon becomes, "Who didn't sleep with Maria?"), the biggest monster turns out to be the impotent Antonio, who finds great pleasure in bullying his family and staff, repeatedly calling them "wretched" and "nothing". Aldo Sambrell's (VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST - 1972; BEAKS: THE MOVIE - 1987) performance is the best this film has to offer. The scene where he is wheeling his helpless brother down to the crypt to die is chilling. As the camera, mounted to the bottom of the wheelchair and pointing up, looks into the faces of both Antonio and Ignazio, Antonio calmly and slowly pushes the wheelchair down to the crypt, all the while telling his brother how he is going to die of starvation while covered in his own excrement, unable to move or scream out for help. It's the film's standout sequence. While there's not much in the way of blood or gore, the tone of the film is relentlessly perverse, as well as sexy. At a little over 73 minutes long, it doesn't wear out it's welcome and you won't go longer than five minutes without seeing some eye-opening nudity. What more do you want? This film (a semi-remake of Andrea Bianchi's [no relation] MALABIMBA [1979]) was also shot as a hardcore sex film (under the title ORGASMO DI SANTANA). That could explain BABY's short running time, but whoever edited this version did a masterful job because there are no jump cuts or obvious edits. Originally released in the U.S. in a severely-edited cut under the title A GIRL FOR SATAN. Now available in an uncut, widescreen print on DVD in the original Italian language with English subtitles under the title LA BIMBA DI SANTANA from Severin Films. Not Rated, but it goes way beyond an R-Rating.

SATAN'S BLACK WEDDING (1975) - A vampire priest (!) drools on himself as he watches a beautiful woman slash herself to death with a razor blade in her house in Monterey, California. Her actor brother arrives from Hollywood for her funeral. He stays at her house and meets a police detective who tells him he thinks it wasn't suicide. Her third finger of the left hand was cut off and there wasn't a drop of blood in her body. The detective says that there have been a series of similar mutilations in the area where the victims were found clutching pieces of black cloth which dates back 200 years. The vampire priest brings Sis back to life and instructs her to kill her entire family. She starts with her invalid aunt and her housekeeper. Brother finds a manuscript Sis was working on entitled "High Satanic Rites" which leads him to the church where the vampire priest resides. He learns that Satan appeared at the church hundreds of years ago and converted the priests and nuns to his side. Satan plans for the brother to marry his sister to produce an offspring that will take over the world.This awful amateurish production looks arid sounds like a porno movie without the nudity or sex. Jumpy editing, terrible music, atrocious acting and bad makeup effects are all this film has to offer. Thankfully it is only 60 minutes long. When I rented this turkey the leader snapped off the take-up reel. Maybe someone was trying to tell me something. I shouldn't have fixed it. Director Philip Miller is actually entepreneur Steve Millard. You may know him better as Nick Phillips, director of the ultra-cheap cult films CRIMINALLY INSANE (1975), the sequel CRAZY FAT ETHEL II (1987) and DEATH NURSE (1987) all starring the overweight and extremely ugly Pricilla Alden. SATAN'S BLACK WEDDING stars Greg Braddock, Ray Myles and Lisa Milano. I doubt you have ever seen them in anything else. A World Video Pictures Release. Also available on DVD with CRIMINALLY INSANE from Retro Shock-O-Rama/E.I. Independent Cinema.  Rated R.

SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER (2004) - When director Jeff Lieberman releases a new film, you tend to sit up and take notice.  Having directed such quirky films as  SQUIRM (1976), BLUE SUNSHINE (1977), JUST BEFORE DAWN (1980) and his most recent film before this, REMOTE CONTROL (1987), Lieberman has always been a director involved in creating some of the most watchable films in the genre. This one is no different. Little Douglas Whooly (Alexander Brickel) is hooked on a video game called Satan's Little Helper, where the onscreen computer character helps Satan by kicking dogs, running over old ladies and generally causing mayhem wherever he goes. Doug is so involved in this game that he dresses up in a Devil's costume for Halloween, the day this story takes place. He, along with his mother (the always welcome and loopy Amanda Plummer) go to meet his collegiate sister Jenna (Katheryn Winnick) who is visiting their island community by ferry. Doug loves his sister and wants to marry her when he grows up (leading to a funny incest remark by Plummer who is talking to a friend on the phone) and especially loves going trick or treating with her. When Jenna shows up with new boyfriend Alex (Stephen Graham) in tow, Doug grows despondent and tries to find a way to get rid of Alex. While walking down the street, Doug sees a serial killer in a Satan costume (it's a great get-up) killing a neighbor and setting the body up as a Halloween decoration. Thinking that the costumed killer is the actual Satan and that all this is play-acting, Doug bonds with the serial killer and they go off on a murder spree. Doug thinks he is Satan's Little Helper and that everything that is happening is fake. Along the way, many mistaken identities are to be had, some funny and some downright dreadful. To give away any more of the plot would be destroying the viewer's enjoyment of this extremely black-humored film. There are a few great setpieces, one concerning a black cat (it's a jolt), another relating to Doug's dad (Wass Stevens) when Doug realizes that this is no joke and another that takes place during an adult Halloween party in a castle (where a reveler can be seen in a mask with worms coming out of it; a small salute to Wormface in SQUIRM). Amanda Plummer really shines in her role as the mother. It's quite remarkable how much she loves her kids and accepts them unconditionally, even when her daughter brings an uninvited guest. It's also commendable that she's open about her pot use and mentions getting stoned on several occasions. She's just generally a nice person who gets caught up in one of the worst days of her life (I'll never look at packing tape the same way again). Though gory in spots, this film relies more on humor and family relationships (including Alex's abusive father, who also happens to live on this island) to get it's point across. There's also a great scene where the serial killer trades his Satan costume for something more appropriate after shooting himself through the palm of his hand. Left wide open for a sequel, let's hope Jeff Lieberman doesn't wait another 17 years before making his next genre film. A Screen Media Films Release. Rated R.

SATAN'S SLAVE (1982) - The press materials say that this is an Indonesian version of PHANTASM (1979) but, truth be told, it's not, although I do see many references to other horror films of the period (including a scene stolen directly from SALEM'S LOT [1979] in the film's opening minutes). After the death of their mother, a family begins to experience some supernatural occurrences, which may be tied to a family curse. Teenage son Tommy Munarto (Fahrul Rozi) wakes up one night to discover the decomposing corpse of his mother floating outside his bedroom window, calling for him to come outside and join her. Older sister Rita (Ruth Pellupessy; THE SNAKE QUEEN - 1982) witnesses Tommy walking outside, but fails to mention it to her father (W.D. Mochtar; MYSTICS IN BALI - 1981) the next morning at breakfast because she doesn't want to upset him. Tommy begins acting strangely, so some of his friends tell him to go to a fortuneteller for some help. He does and the fortuneteller doesn't like what the cards tell her, so she tells Tommy to protect himself using black magic, especially whenever he sees a coffin. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as Tommy walks out of the fortuneteller's home, a hearse pulls to the side of the road and several pallbearers pull out a coffin, with the head pallbearer pointing directly at Tommy, as if to say, "Climb on in!" (This is the only scene that resembles PHANTASM in any way). Tommy begins performing black magic rituals in his bedroom, which worries Rita, especially when she begins receiving phone calls where a female voice asks, "Is this Tommy's house?", the doorbell rings and no one is there and Tommy begins getting nosebleeds. Dad decides the kids need a housekeeper and hires Ms. Darminah (Diana Suarkom), who shows up late one night, seemingly out of nowhere. It soon becomes apparent that Ms. Darminah is the housekeeper from Hell, as she begins controlling the Munarto household, especially Tommy, who has a nightmare in which Ms. Darminah and some rubber mask-wearing Satanists sacrifice him on an altar. As the bodies begin piling up, a white witch doctor is called in to perform an exorcism on the Munarto home, but Ms. Darminah's black powers prove to be too strong. When the bodies of the recently deceased rise from their graves and lay siege to the Munarto household, a priest enters the picture and uses the power of faith to destroy Ms. Darminah  and her satanic meat puppets. Praise be to Allah!  This Indonesian horror film, directed by Sisworo Gautama Putra (PRIMITIVES - 1978; THE WARRIOR - 1981; HUNGRY SNAKE WOMAN - 1987) is much more laid-back than most Indonesian horror flicks and has a much stronger religious subtext, too. That's not to say that this film is boring, because it's not. It's just that it lacks the non-stop weirdness that we've come to expect from films of this type. SATAN'S SLAVE (not to be confused with the 1976 British horror film of the same name, directed by Norman J. Warren) takes it's time to get to the payoff, borrowing themes from THE EXORCIST (1973), THE OMEN (1976) and countless haunted house thrillers, to tell it's story about family loss and the faith they must put in God (in this case, Allah) to defeat all the supernatural events happening in their home. There are still plenty of atmospheric chills on view, including the nocturnal visit Mom pays to Tommy; a visit to a morgue, where Rita must identify the body of her boyfriend Herman, who was killed in a motorcycle accident caused by Ms. Darminah; Tommy's nightmare of being sacrificed; the undead Herman (who, for some reason, is now a vampire with big-ass fangs) as he attacks Rita in her home; and many other sequences. Be forewarned: Those looking for the sheer lunacy of films like THE WARRIOR or THE DEVIL'S SWORD (1984) will be severely disappointed, but those adventurous enough willing to view SATAN'S SLAVE on it's own terms may just find themselves liking it. The script, by Putra, Imam Tantoni (THE WARRIOR AND NINJA - 1985) and Naryono Prayitno (THE HUNGRY SNAKE WOMAN - 1987), saves most of the bloody action for the finale, which involves grave robbing, zombies, rotting flesh being pulled off the bone and religious retribution. Also starring Simon Kader, I.M. Damsyik, Doddy Sukma, Siska Karabety, Adang Mansiur, Ali Albar and Moesdewyk. The widescreen print used for both Deimos Entertainment's Eastern Horror Vol. 4 (with CORPSE MASTER - 1987) and BCI's Eastern Horror Advantage Collection 10 Movie Set seems to be missing some picture information on the bottom third of the screen, probably masked-out to cover up foreign subtitles. New English subtitles are now in it's place. Not Rated.

SAVAGE INTRUDER (1968) - This low-budget horror variant of SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950) and WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? (1962) opens with a long shot of the world-famous Hollywood sign, only to reveal, a few second later, the same sign in extreme close-up, decaying and full of holes. It's a terrific metaphor on how looks can be deceiving; especially when it pertains to people and the masks they wear to hide their inner demons. It seems someone is carving-up middle-aged women and carefully placing their body parts around Los Angeles (In the opening, we see a woman's dismembered head lying in the middle of her dismembered hands and feet directly under the Hollywood sign), leaving the police baffled as to the killer's motive. We then watch the killer  (he wears an overcoat, a big-rimmed fedora and sunglasses to hide his face) following a middle-age bar floozy home, where he hits her over the head with a lead pipe and then begins dismembering her body with an electric carving knife, part of his killing kit that he carries with him in a backpack. When the poor woman wakes up (while he's cutting off her hand!), the killer finishes her off with a meat cleaver. We then switch to drifter Vic (John David Garfield; THE STEPMOTHER - 1972) hitching a ride on the back of a Movieland Tour bus (the bus driver is short-lived Three Stooges member Joe Besser). He jumps off at the mansion of aging alcoholic ex-movie star Katherine Parker (Miriam Hopkins; DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE - 1931), who has just broken her leg after taking a drunken stumble down her mansion's spiral staircase. Vic immediately ingratiates himself into the Parker household, including maid Mildred (Florence Lake), whom he introduces himself to as "Laurel N. Hardy" (!), and Miss Parker's stern manager Leslie (Gale Sondergaard; THE BLACK CAT - 1941), who begrudgingly gives him a job as Miss Parker's nursemaid. Vic soon becomes Miss Parker's closest confidant, much to the dismay of Leslie and the rest of the staff, who have been with her for years but have never been treated as well as she treats Vic. When it's revealed that Vic's a habitual drug abuser and has frequent flashbacks about his childhood, where he watches his mother willingly being gang-banged by four sweaty men before she has her hand chopped-off by someone swinging a hatchet, it becomes quite reasonable for the viewer to assume that Vic is the serial killer on the loose. Miss Parker's cook, Greta (Virginia Wing), becomes pregnant by Vic, only to end up chopped into little pieces by someone wielding a meat cleaver. It turns out, as no surprise, that Vic is quite mad, and when Miss parker grows suspicious of his motivations, he kills her, replaces her with a mannequin and takes over the mansion, not allowing anyone to talk to or visit "Miss Parker". As the rest of the staff also grow suspicious, Vic kills them one-by-one until he is left alone in the mansion, where he is able to relive and reboot his childhood. Only this time, he's in control.  This swinging 60's horror film, full of hippie dialogue, fashions and freak-out sequences, not to mention some surprisingly graphic bits of gore (all with that bright, almost neon, red blood that that era was so fond of), is a good time capsule of when horror films actually told a coherent (if freaky) story to go along with the scares. Triple threat director/producer/scripter Donald Wolfe (who never directed another film, although he was an editor on such films as THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS [1965]) offers a fascinating glimpse of two distinctly different lifestyles facing each other head-on: The Old Guard, represented by Katherine Parker, who still dreams of making a comeback film (she sometimes drunkenly hallucinates about it, which leads to her broken leg), not knowing that her career is nothing but a footnote to most people (At one party thrown at her house by Vic, a midget offers her cocaine [She replies, "The only trips I go on are the nostalgic kind!"] and a young woman sarcastically asks her if she appeared in THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN); and the New Guard, represented by Vic, who believes sex, drugs and taking advantage of an old woman's weaknesses is all he needs to survive. Miriam Hopkins (this is her last film; she passed away in 1972 of a heart attack) is terrific as Miss Parker, who relives her past successes with a combination of alcohol and watching her old films in a screening room in her mansion (using actual footage of some of Miriam Hopkins' old films). She even does a brief topless scene! John David Garfield (the son of actor John Garfield) is equally as good as the murderous, opportunistic Vic, who has yet to meet anyone he can't deceive or murder when his fragile psyche is exposed. The supporting cast of film veterans also raises this film a notch or two above the norm and help move this film to it's graphic conclusion. I was pleasantly surprised how much I liked this film, especially since it is steeped in drug and alcohol abuse and yet turns out to be a sobering experience. Also starring Lester Mathews, Riza Royce and Minta Durfee. Originally released on VHS by Unicorn Video. The version I watched, under the title HOLLYWOOD HORROR HOUSE (it is also known as THE COMEBACK), was sourced from a beat-up 16mm print that only adds to the ambiance. Not available on DVD. Rated R.

SAVAGE ISLAND (2003) - Steven and Julia (Steven Man and Kristina Copeland), along with their newborn baby, travel to her father's remote island for some rest and relaxation. Julia's brother Peter (Brendan Beiser), picks them up and accidentally hits a small boy, the son of a family of inbred squatters, led by the demented Eliah Savage (Winston Rekert of ETERNAL EVIL - 1985). Julia's father Keith (Don S. Davis of STARGATE SG-1) plans on turning the island into a resort paradise and is trying to get rid of the squatters.  Eliah finds his dying son (he snaps his neck to finish the job) and demands that Keith give him Steven and Julia's baby as a trade-off. Keith, of course, refuses and runs off Eliah and his wife (Lindsay Jameson) with a pistol. The Savages kidnap Peter (after he digs up the Savage's dead son), cut out his tongue and offer him as trade for the baby. Keith and Steven go looking for Peter, only to have the Savage gang attack Julia and her mom (Beverly Breuer), killing mom by repeatedly stabbing her with butcher knife and taking Julia and the baby hostage.  Keith catches up with them and gets staked in the stomach while being forced to watch Peter have his throat slit wide open.  Steven turns out to be a coward as he watches in the woods as his family is killed and kidnapped. Even a threat by Eliah to shoot Julia in the head does not bring him out into the open. Lenny Savage (Zoran Vukalic) saves Julia when he says he wants her as his woman. Julia is drugged and forced to marry Lenny. Keith begs Steven to kill him ("How are you going to have the guts to save your wife and baby if you don't have the guts to finish me off?", Keith asks.). Steven kills Keith and goes out for his revenge. Filmed on digital video and edited by director Jeffrey Lando (whose next movie is the serial killer film SITTER'S NIGHT - 2004) on his Apple IMac G3 in his home, this movie is filled with grainy shots (apparently done purposely but very annoying to the viewer) and very strong acting. This is a good inbred family-in-the-woods film that were popular in the 70's & 80's (JUST BEFORE DAWN, THE FOREST, etc) that has it's fair share of outrageous dialogue (Rebecca Savage [Nahanni Arntzen] says to Peter: "Mamma told me I could have proper babies if I did it with a stranger.") and a few surprises (including an unexpected suicide) near the finale. If you can put up with the headache-inducing graininess, you'll probably enjoy this one. This one clocks in at a small 84 minutes and a supposed longer cut exists in Canada, where it was shot. An Ardustry Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

SAGAGE LUST (1989) - This is a cheap, badly acted horror flick from director/screenwriter Jose Ramon Larraz (THE HOUSE THAT VANISHED - 1973; REST IN PIECES - 1987), but it is so goddamned weird and utterly mind-boggling, you'll be glued to the screen for the entire running time. During the opening credits, we see the after-effects of a motorcycle "accident", where the male driver and female passenger are both completely naked, bloody and dead on the ground as we glimpse the back window of a black limousine going up before it pulls away. We are then introduced to six stereotypical teens on their way to Lake Wappakanokee (no kidding!) for some fun, sex and pot smoking. They get hopelessly lost, but luckily (or not) they come upon limping hitch-hiker Jack (Clark Tufts, who was just dropped off on the side of the road by a truck carrying a statue of Bob's Big Boy!), who knows the way to the lake. After having a flat tire and almost getting caught smoking weed by a State Trooper (Douglas Gowland, who gives the teens a lecture on the "penny test", or how to tell when a tire has lost its tread!), Rod (Mark Irish) decides on his own to pull off on a side road to rest when Jack tells them they still have quite a ways to go before reaching the lake (It's one of the stupidest moves in horror film history). He continues to drive on the dirt road until it ends at a strange house that looks like it's deserted and has a weird "monument" in the yard: A wrecked black limousine sitting on a slab of concrete surrounded by four stone statues. Rod, Tony (Greg Rhodes) and Peter (Jerry Kernion) take a closer look at the monument and notice a framed photo of a young pretty woman in the limousine's back seat, like some sort of shrine. Helen (Claudia Franjul) notices someone peering out of one of the house's windows, so everyone goes to check it out (Helen says, "This house is evil!" to which Peter replies, "Hey, maybe you'll spit-up pea soup and your head will turn around!" What?!?). Helen refuses to go into the house and walks off into the forest (In a real asshole move, boyfriend Tony doesn't go after her, explaining to his friends that this is nothing but "foreplay"! Double What?!?), while the rest of them break into the houseand take a tour. They naturally decide to check out the basement first (Triple What?!?) and find two coffins, one marked "Alfred" and the other marked "Amanda". Tony loses his ring trying to open one of the coffins (Quadruple What?!?) and then everyone hears the destroyed limo's horn honk outside. Tony finally decides to go find Helen, but it's too late, as someone has slit her throat and is dragging her corpse through the forest (Tony's not getting any foreplay tonight!). Jack and the rest of the group, which also includes Susan (Liz Hitchler) and Anne (Kathleen Patane), decide to check out the house further and find that the whole house is plastered with photos of the same woman found in the back seat of the limo (We also discover that Jack is wanted by the police, but we don't know what his crime is). Tony returns to the house empty-handed (Peter makes a crass joke about Helen using her ample assets as a hitch-hiker, while everyone else roasts wieners in the fireplace. Quintuple What?!?) and Susan notices a crack in the only wall without photos that seems to be getting bigger. When they discover a closet full of pickled human scalps, you would think that they would make a hasty retreat, right? Well, think again. They decide to stay until morning because it is raining outside! It's not long before all these stupid, stupid motherfuckers get just what they deserve, as Alfred (William Russell), the facially-scarred husband of the ill-fated (and badly burned) Amanda (Jennifer Delora; BAD GIRLS DORMITORY - 1986), the chick in all the photos, begin killing them in various bloody ways. Finally, a man and a woman with common sense!  I could write a book describing all the idiotic and bone-headed things these poor excuses for human beings do and say, but then I would be depriving you of a once-in-a-lifetime experience of pure inanity. With friends like these, who needs enemies? I wish I could say this is all because of director/screenwriter Jose Ramon Larraz's lack of command of the English language, but he's been making English language films since the early 70's (WHIRLPOOL - 1970; VAMPYRES - 1974), so I would like to believe this was his way of goofing-on or fucking-with the audience. These kids live in some alternate universe, where it is normal to sit in a wrecked limousine and smoke a cigarette or open a sealed casket to see if there's a body inside (C'mon, everyone's doing it!). Thankfully, Larraz offers us plenty of nudity (including disturbing naked photos of Alfred and Amanda's victims, both male and female, that he keeps in an album) and some graphic bloodletting in the final third of the film. The reveal of what's behind the cracked wall is also quite graphic and well-photographed. SAVAGE LUST (also known as DEADLY MANOR) is one of those films you find yourself enjoying for all the wrong reasons and there's nothing wrong with that. Filmed in Suffern, New York and Ramapo, New Jersey. Originally available on VHS by Action International Pictures Home Video and not available on DVD in the U.S., but there's a British DVD available (under the DEADLY MANOR title) from budget label Pegasus. Not Rated.

SAVAGE WATER (1979) - Here's an obscure, bad slasher flick that takes place during a white water rafting trip (filmed on location in Moab, Utah and Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona). It's also guaranteed to put your ass to sleep. A group of diverse, stereotypical people, including Doc Rogers (Ron Berger), a psychiatrist; a widowed father and his snotty son; a elderly German couple (the German guy tells the snotty kid, after the kid calls him a Kraut: "Adolph Hitler ist dead und some day you vill be too!"); a Arab sheik; a couple of sexy female teenagers; a husband and wife (the wife is deathly afraid to eat in the dark!); and an overweight junk food fanatic in a Gilligan hat, head down the Colorado River in three rubber rafts with their tour guides. After being lectured by the tour guides about the horrors of littering (What, no crying Indian?) and what wild plants not to eat (apparently eating belladonna will make your heart race so fast, it will explode), our motley group get their first taste of the rapids and camp out for the night on the banks of the river. One of the sexy teenagers hits on the Arab sheik and he proposes marriage ("Will you be my American wife?"), while the tour guides smoke pot. After an unreasonably long stretch of useless hijinks and constant in-fighting, someone pushes one of the tourists off a cliff after he snorts some coke. Thinking he was high, lost his balance and slipped, the tour guides simply bury him and continue with the trip (!), not aware that someone in their group is actually a cold-blooded killer. After the snotty boy is bitten by a rattlesnake (the killer purposely put it in the boy's sleeping bag) and one of the tour guides ends up dead, the idiotic tour group still continues on their trip, even though their radio to contact the outside is out of commission. Yes, these people deserve entry into the "Idiots Hall Of Fame" and deserve everything that is about to happen to them. One of the sexy teenagers is stabbed to death in the back with a hunting knife and another woman is poisoned with belladonna. Everyone finally wises-up, but they try to hang Doc Rogers when they mistakenly believe he is the killer. Tour leader Dave (Gill Van Wagoner) saves him from the noose, but while rafting back to civilization, Dave is forced to kill him with the spinning propellers of one of the raft's outboard motors, even though to his dying breath, Doc professes his innocence. Back in civilization, the surviving tourists and crew are found innocent of culpability in a civil trial, but the epilogue reveals the identity of the real killer. It's no surprise. This is an embarrassingly dull mystery/horror film that's sub-par on every level. The acting by a cast of regional non-pros is especially excruciating to watch, as everyone flubs or steps on lines constantly (Rasheed Javeri as the Arab sheik Mahomed is about as bad as they come). It wouldn't be so bad if there were a little action to go along with the constant yapping, but 95% of the film is nothing but incessant, inane dialogue spoken by people who couldn't order a Happy Meal without needing a second take. Director/ producer/ editor/ photographer/raft inflator Paul W. Kener (whose only other contribution to cinema is the harder-to-find horror abomination WENDIGO [1978]) forgot the cardinal rule of successful horror filmmaking: Put some fucking scares and blood into the damn film! Instead, he offers endless shots of people walking, talking and doing trivial things, like eating, waiting to go to the bathroom or acting like total idiots. Kener even manages to make white water rafting seem ho-hum, as the majority of the film takes place on dry land. The film isn't even good enough for an unintentional laugh, as most of the killings take place off-screen, there's no nudity (the film's idea of skinny-dipping is everyone jumping in the river with their underwear on) and the pacing is stagnant (the screenplay was written by Kipp Boden, his only film credit). I swore I actually saw the hands of my watch move counter-clockwise while viewing this. SAVAGE WATER is a loooong 95 minute viewing experience and makes director Byron Quisenberry's similarly-themed SCREAM (a.k.a. THE OUTING - 1981) seem like a masterpiece of suspense. Watching this film proves that some hard-to-find films deserve to be that way. The bad title tune was written and warbled (badly) by co-star Doug Warr. Also starring Bridget Agnew, Mike Wactor, Gene Eubanks, Steven Evans, Dirk Strickwerda, Clayton King, Pat Comer, Dawn DeAnne, Valerie Kittel and Doug Jones as Dean, the snotty boy. This has never been available on home video in the U.S., which only proves that we here in the States still have a modicum of pride. The print I viewed was sourced from a British VHS tape, proving once again that they will do anything to shame us. Not Rated.

SAVAGE WEEKEND (1976) - Another unsung gem from the 70's that, when it is mentioned in reference books, is usually maligned or unfairly labeled a "bomb". While the film is partly a stalk 'n' slash tale, it's quite refreshing in it's delivery, as there are no teenagers and very few children in sight, just adults acting like adults. A group of friends (each one with personal problems of their own) head to a house in Upstate New York for some business and fun. In the film's funniest scene, openly-gay Nicky (Christopher Allport of JACK FROST - 1996) stops at a bar for a drink and ends up beating the shit out of two brawny men making fun of his sexuality (and the extremely short swim trunks he is wearing). Once they reach the house, they find a dead bat nailed to the door (only Nicky is man enough to remove it). After a few BIG CHILL-like moments, where Mac Macauley (RE-ANIMATOR's David Gale) regales a story to two of the guests about how local borderline retard Otis (William Sanderson of FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE - 1977) branded a woman years earlier with the letter "H" (for "whore"; I said he was borderline retarded), another couple make love completely naked in a field while Nicky watches nearby (and ogles the naked man) and they all watch Otis kill a renegade rat, a masked killer begins to kill them one-by-one for some unknown reason. Could it be Otis, who rides a bike and spends too much time in a graveyard talking to the headstone of his dead friend? Or Mac, who gets his rocks off by telling scary stories to everyone? Or could it be someone in the house? Since they all seem to have one problem or another, from jealousy, child custody trouble, sexual abuse to sexual identity, it is a definite possibility. As the story progresses, the group have a fancy dress dinner party and the killing begins. Jay (Devin Goldenberg) is hung in the barn and another is done in with a hatpin to the ear. A table saw is used to kill another, in the film's most suspenseful scene. A baling hook and impalement are used to kill another before the killer is unmasked and his motivations revealed. It all ends in a final showdown (a chainsaw and a machete are involved), where an unlikely character becomes the savior.  This is one of my favorite 70's horror films. It's mature in it's approach to love and death, something you don't normally see in low-budget horror films. Director/producer/scripter David Paulsen (SCHIZOID - 1980) doesn't tip his hand that there's a killer on the loose until about the 45 minute mark (where we see the masked killer trying on one of the guest's clothes). Up until then, we see plenty of full frontal nudity (both male and female), the Otis flashback where he brands the woman and smashes her lover's head against a rock (this flashback may not be true, since Mac, who is telling it, does not like Otis to begin with), a cringe-inducing scene where Mac removes a fishing hook from a guy's foot and various sexual infidelities amongst the cast. What really is different about this film is the way it portrays the gay character. Nicky is not portrayed as a limp-wristed girly-man, but as a strong person capable of taking care of himself and others, a rarity in 70's cinema. The killer's motivation is not much of a surprise (it's basically revealed in the opening minutes), but the tense final minutes, coupled with a creepy banjo score, really toss you for a loop. The acting is uniformly good (most of the cast went on to have long careers, many of them in the horror genre) and the gore, while sparse, is well-handled. The only minus is the pesky boom mike makes several appearances at the top of the screen, but that could be a framing issue on the print I viewed. Originally filmed in 1976 as KILLER BEHIND THE MASK, released in 1979 as THE UPSTATE MURDERS and renamed in 1981 as SAVAGE WEEKEND. It would make a perfect double bill with another 70's undiscovered gem, THE REDEEMER (1976). Also starring James Doerr, Marilyn Hamlin, Caitlin O'Heaney (as "Kathleen Heaney", who would later star in HE KNOWS YOU'RE ALONE - 1980), Jeffrey David Pomerantz and a very young Yancy Butler (WITCHBLADE - 2001) as the "Little Girl". A Paragon Video Release. Also available on DVD in one of those 50 movie comps from Mill Creek Entertainment. Rated R.

SCANNERS II: THE NEW ORDER (1990) - Decent follow-up to David Cronenberg's exploding head masterpiece about people with the ability to control and reshape other peoples' minds and bodies. This one deals with a police captain (Yvan Ponton) who enlists scanners to destroy those responsible for shortchanging his political career. He dupes a confused scanner (David Hewlett of CUBE - 1997) to help him control the female mayor's (Dorothee Berryman) mind, so she will appoint him as the new chief of police, after he has the old chief bumped-off by his horde of drug-addicted scanners. After Hewlett figures out Ponton's plans for the city, then the world's, domination, he flees to his parents' country home with the other scanners in hot pursuit. He finds out that he was adopted and has a sister (Deborah Raffin of THE SENTINEL - 1977) living by herself in the outskirts where city noise is non-existant. He finds her, and since she is also a scanner, they come up with a plan to defeat Ponton's iron-fisted scheme. This Toronto-lensed opus offers plenty of brisk action, good special effects (some gross enough to push past its R-rating) and some pretty good twists and turns in the story lines. Check out the weird-looking residents in the scanner group (Central Casting looks like they went out of their way to find the ugliest Canadians in the Toronto vicinity). Raoul Trujillo (THE SWORDSMAN - 1993) stands out as the head bad guy scanner and does a lot with his facial expressions to put fear in the viewer. Good acting raises this one a notch or two above most sequels. The open ending sets the way for more sequels including SCANNERS III: THE TAKEOVER, shot back-to-back with this one by director Christian Duguay, who made a bunch of respectable films until the stinker EXTREME OPS (2002) was released to theaters. Talk about a major disappointment!  SCANNERS II: THE NEW ORDER is damned-good entertainment with a sense of heart and exploding heads. A Media Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

SCANNERS III: THE TAKEOVER (1991) - For those who found satisfaction with SCANNERS II: THE NEW ORDER (1991), this second sequel should be even more enjoyable and is probably (God forbid) better than David Cronenberg's original. Scanner Alex (Steve Parrish) takes up residence in a Thailand monastery after accidently scanning his best friend off the balcony of a highrise apartment at a Christmas party. Alex's mild-mannered scanner sister Helena (the sexy Liliana Komorowska) suffers severe headaches and decides to use an experimental drug called EPH-3, invented by their adoptive father (Daniel Pilon). The drug is a patch which is worn on the back of the neck, and soon Helena starts going stark raving mad. She telekinetically explodes a pidgeon for taking a dump on her hand. She kills a doctor (head explosion) who runs a clinic for scanners and takes control of the Scanner population. When she discovers that her powers can be transmitted over the airwaves, she comes up with a plan for world domination. She kills her adoptive father and send a scanner over to Thailand to kill her brother so she can inherit her father's giant pharmaceutical business. Alex escapes, but can he save the world? This film is jam-packed with violent action and stunts. Beside the prerequisite head explosions, there's finger explosions, body parts shot off, kung fu fights, car chases and various bodies in stages of scanning deformity. Director Christian Duguay (who filmed this one back-to-back with Part 2) injects a healthy dose of humor into the proceedings and also has a fine visual eye, filling the screen with unusual camera angles and atmospherics. Duguay would later go on to direct LIVE WIRE (1992), the excellent horror film SCREAMERS (1995), the widely-praised espionage thriller THE ASSIGNMENT (1997) and the action film ART OF WAR (2000). He definitely has talent. As it stands, SCANNERS III: THE TAKEOVER is a great, head-swelling experience. SCANNER COP (1993) was next. A Republic Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

SCANNERS: THE SHOWDOWN (1994) - The SCANNERS series is, in my opinion, the best horror franchise available on video. The general rule of thumb is that sequels are inferior to the original. This film (originally titled SCANNER COP II: VOLKIN'S REVENGE) breaks that convention. It is an exciting, horrific rollercoaster ride of thrills, chills and excellent special effects (supplied by John Carl Buechler and MMI, who have never done better). There are scenes in this film that push the envelope of endurance, making the viewer cringe and pray that the scenes will end soon. All this is done with quick editing, a pounding soundtrack (that really does affect your nervous system somehow if you listen to it in Surround Sound) and the aforementioned special effects that push the boundries of its R rating. It is a total sensory experience. Daniel Quinn returns from SCANNER COP (1993) as scanner cop Stan Staziak, who is searching for his long-lost mother with the help of scanner Carrie Goodart (Khrystyne Haje of TV's HEAD OF THE CLASS), a trans-neural researcher who helps other scanners learn to lead a normal life. Staziak has a major problem on his hands: He is being hunted by Carl Volkin (Patrick Kilpatrick of DEATH WARRANT), an escaped convict and scanner who Staziak put away five years ago after subduing him and killing his brother in a botched robbery attempt. Volkin has discovered a way to increase his scanning powers by sucking the life force out of other scanners, leaving his victims nothing but burnt, shriveled-up shells of their former selves. Since Staziak is a much stronger scanner, Volkin must locate other scanners to increase his powers before he can confront his nemesis face-to-face. He breaks into Carrie's office to get her client list of scanner patients. When she catches him in the act (and dials 911), Volkin attempts to perform his talents on her. The police break in and distract Volkin. He dispatches the cops and leaves Carrie in a coma. The only information Volkin was able to obtain was Staziak's home address, so he breaks into the house and tries to take Staziak out using conventional means, namely a shotgun. Staziak is too smart for him and foils the attempt. They get into a scanning contest where Staziak proves to be the strongest. Volkin escapes in the nick of time and searches the streets for scanners to kill. He finds a few, which does increase his powers, but still not enough to defeat Staziak. He breaks into Carrie's office again and this time is able to get her client list. He then goes on a scanner killing spree, a delirious section of the film which is a showcase of imaginative and wickedly gross special effects. Volkin has now gained enough strength to take Staziak on, but first he wants to make him suffer. He attempts to kill Staziak's scanner mother, but she senses his presence and kills herself by jumping out a window so that her power will not be passed on to Volkin. Staziak, who arrives too late to save his mother, now knows that he is not strong enough to beat Volkin just by using his powers alone. He resorts to the art of illusion in a final battle that ends with a nifty head explosion ( a staple in this series). Director Steve Barnett, who also made the Fangoria horror film MINDWARP (1990) and the excellent action feature MISSION OF JUSTICE (1992), imbues this film with a sense of foreboding and doom. He also injects some very dry humor into the proceedings. Daniel Quinn and Patrick Kilpatrick make for a grand battling duo and, when they go into their scanning routines, make it look downright painful. More than once I found myself digging my fingernails into my palms from the tension onscreen. Isn't that the whole point in watching horror films? This is the last film in the series. They should make more. Also starring Robert Forster, Stephen Mendel, Brenda Swanson and Jewel Shepard. A Republic Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R.

SCARAB (1982) - Incomprehensible Spanish/American co-production with an over-the-top performance by Rip Torn (THE BEASTMASTER - 1982) and a phone-it-in turn by Robert Ginty (THE GOLD RAIDERS - 1983). Torn portrays physics professor Wilfred Manz, a possible ex-Nazi who tries to raise an ancient spirit called Khepera, who uses scarab beetles as it's calling card. After unsuccessfully trying to summon Khepera in his laboratory (He has a scarab beetle, which is sitting atop a miniature pyramid surrounded by candles, shocked with jolts of electricity in a feeble attempt of raising the spirit), crazy Dr. Manz cuts his hand in anger and accidentally bleeds over his totem. Before you know it, Khepera appears and possesses the Professor's body, eventually turning him into a cult leader who swears to his many followers (the male members look like masked Mexican wrestlers and the female members walk around topless) that he will save the Earth from the people that would destroy it by nuclear war and famine; namely, politicians. Pretty soon, political leaders begin committing suicide for no reason at all (one stabs himself with his own rapier after practicing with his young son and another pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head at a press conference); the only thing they have in common with each other is that a tiny scarab beetle was placed on their persons shortly before they offed themselves. Womanizing reporter Murphy (Ginty), who was at the ill-fated press conference, begins following a nurse named Elena (Cristina Hachuel) when he notices her stealing the scarab from the dead politician's body. Elena, who has mystical powers (including the power to heal, as we watch her miraculously cure a serious head wound of one of her patients), may just be what the world needs to combat the possessed Dr. Manz. As Murphy ingratiates himself into her life, he also does some research into Khempera and discovers some disturbing facts. Meanwhile, the possessed Dr. Manz hangs out with some topless female followers in his temple, but every time he tries to make love to them, something awful happens, such as one girl's body morphing into that of a jackass (!) or another girl instantly becoming covered in boils and exploding (What the hell?). Murphy has multiple attempts made on his life and discovers that Elena is actually Dr. Manz's daughter. Together, they try to find her father and end the madness. By the time they reach that juncture in the film, you will either be sound asleep or wishing that you were.  This boring horror film, directed and co-written by Steven-Charles Jaffe (better known for scripting and producing MOTEL HELL [1980] and producing NEAR DARK [1987] and THE FLY II [1989]), is really a mess of a film. The story is confusing, especially since portions of the film are spoken in Spanish without the benefit of English subtitles, and Robert Ginty sleepwalks throughout the entire film, making his character more unlikable than Khepera, something I'm sure scripters Jaffe, his brother Robert Jaffe, Ned Miller and Jim Block didn't count on. It's also hard to understand why an accomplished, award-winning actor like Rip Torn would take such a demeaning role as he did here, unless he needed some quick booze money (Torn has a reputation for being a notorious alcoholic) or just wanted to bang some topless starlets. It's pretty embarrassing watching him literally spitting out his line here (I'm not kidding. In some scenes you can actually see drool on his chin or spraying spittle as he barks out his lines). Jaffe's idea of atmosphere is to bathe every scene in fog (the fog machines are working overtime here) and although there is some gore, it's nothing to write home about. Everything about SCARAB just seems wrong-headed and ill advised. I'm still trying to figure out why Ginty ignorantly walks down a busy street listening to his walkman, oblivious to the fact that someone is trying to kill him, even though he can plainly see objects and people blowing up in front of him. Ginty acts like it's a normal, everyday occurrence and doesn't wise-up until a piece of shrapnel hits him in the face. I guess that pretty much wraps-up how I feel about this film: It's clueless to the point of being stupid and I'm not talking about the good stupid, either. Also starring Isabel Garcia Lorca, Donald Pickering, Sam Chew Jr., Jose Luis de Vilallonga, Hector Alterio, Jose Ruiz Lifante and Alfredo Cembreros. I don't believe that this was ever available on home video in the U.S., but if you are a glutton for punishment, you can easily find a copy on DVD-R from gray market sellers. Not Rated.

SCARECROWS (1988) - Now this is a great horror film! First-time director William Wesley could give lessons to the so-called veterans of the genre on how to make an exciting, original and most of all, scary fright film. A group of ex-military fanatics pull off a 3.5 million dollar robbery and hijack a plane for their escape. One of the group turns traitor and bails out of the plane with the loot, landing in an abandoned field populated by some of the ugliest scarecrows this side of the WIZARD OF OZ. Only these scarecrows aren't friendly! The rest of the group doubles back, forcing the pilot to land in the field. In their search for the traitor, the group finds a deserted farmhouse and it becomes apparent to them that supernatural forces are at work here. A truck runs without an engine. When dice are rolled, they come up snakeeyes. Their ex-friend, the traitor, shows up to give them the fight of their lives. Bullets won't stop him. Only when they cut off his head do they find out why: He was stuffed with straw! Pretty soon the group is being stalked by the mean-spirited scarecrows, who gut their victims (in graphic detail) and use their victims body parts to replace their own missing limbs. The chase is on and only one will survive. Who will it be? This filmed-in-Florida gorefest is a masterpiece of modern horror. It has restored my faith that something new can be done in the horror field without resorting to the old cliches. Every aspect of this film is handled expertly, from the acting (by a relative group of unknowns), effects (extremely bloody) and photography (moody and well lit since most of it takes place at night), to the screenplay and direction. William Wesley has a firm grip on his material and knows how to wring every drop of tension out of a scene. What I want to know is why some major studio hasn't snapped-up Mr. Wesley and given him the opportunity to show what he can do with a big budget. His next full length feature would not be until 2001's ROUTE 666 (see review). SCARECROWS is available in both R-rated and Unrated versions. Stick with the Unrated version so you can see all the carnage intact. Do not let this one pass you by! Starring Ted Vernon, Victoria Christian, Richard Vidan, B.J. Turner, David Campbell and Michael Simms.  A Forum Home Video Release. NOTE: The Unrated version is now available on DVD from MGM in a beautiful widescreen print.

SCORCHED HEAT (1987) - Here are some things you don't see too often: An African American yachting club. A Bible Belt atheist. A Jewish ice hockey team. An Iranian politician telling the truth. A Swedish horror film. Well, I'm glad to say that I've found the latter long at last and it's as goofy as it sounds. When Eric and Steve were young boys, they were constantly abused by their teacher, Mr. George Andersson (Johnny Harborg). One such incident has Mr. Andersson catching Eric and Steve smoking cigarettes, so he slaps Eric Hard across his face and puts out a cigarette on Steve's palm before giving them detention. The boys have had enough of his abuse, so they attempt to teach him a little lesson by playing a practical joke on him by throwing firecrackers under his reading chair in his home, but it goes horribly wrong and Mr. Andersson catches fire and burns to death. Eric and Steve were never blamed for the death and Steve moved to America shortly thereafter. Twenty years pass and Eric (Martin Brandqvist) is a complete mess. He believes Mr. Andersson has returned from the grave and is haunting him, so he writes a letter to Steve (Harald Treutiger), who is now a successful music producer, begging him to come back to Sweden to help him fight the demon. Steve flies to Sweden with his bitchy wife Linda (Babs Brinklund) and the first thing they do is head to Eric's house, which they find a ramshackled mess. A crazed Eric tries to strangle Steve, but Linda beans Eric over the head with a wine bottle, which seems to knock some sense into him. While Linda takes a bath in Eric's upstairs bathroom, Eric and Steve talk about the bad old days, when all of a sudden Linda screams and disappears from the bathroom. Steve and Eric find her unconscious in the attic, where she pukes-up maggots and Mr. Andersson's burned arm bursts out of her mouth. Eric tells Steve that they're all illusions performed by the vengeful ghost of Mr. Andersson and if they don't want the illusions to turn deadly, no one should leave the house. That's not such a wise move. Mr. Andersson turns out to be much more crueler dead than he was alive and when Linda finds out the truth of how Mr. Andersson became a ghost (She callously says, "Don't bother to tell me that I'm married to a killer!"), she gets the bright idea to blow up the cellar of Mr. Andersson's burned-out home (luckily, Eric has a case of TNT hanging around in his living room!). They decide to blow-up the cellar the next morning, but this night is going to be a rough one, as the ghostly Mr. Andersson tries every illusion in the book to get the trio to kill each other. They manage to make it through the night after a close call with a burglar (co-scripter Johan A. Dernelius) and a police officer (co-scripter Anders Jonsson) and then drive to Mr. Andersson's home, only to be taken hostage by a street gang that is squatting there. They manage to scare off the gang and locate the cellar. They plant the dynamite, only to discover that the entire house has reappeared. They quickly forget that everything is an illusion and it leads to one of the trio being killed by the hands of the other two. Stupid Swedes, duped by a ghost! Take 'em away boys!  This wacky Swedish horror film (all the actors speak their own fractured versions of English), directed and co-written by Peter Borg (SOUNDS OF SILENCE - 1989), is one of those movies where having a good tolerance level (for Swedish accents, fragmented dialogue, cheesy special effects) is a must. If you find you can get through some of the film's hoarier moments (which is practically the entire first 45 minutes), you may find yourself having a good time here. Half the fun is listening to the actors speak their lines in Swenglish, especially the gang of thugs who occupy the remains of Mr. Andersson's home (Gang Leader: "Do you find it very hard to say hello?"  Linda: "Fuck you!"  Gang Leader: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I think you owe me an apology. That is, of course, if you don't wanna lose your tits!") The fact that no one dies throughout the entire film (there are a few close calls) until the finale and a lack of any substantial blood and gore (the worse it gets is the maggot puking scene) will probably turn off horror purists, but SCORCHED HEAT is goofy entertainment of the highest order if you are in the right mindset. Also starring Tony Ellis, Michael Flanigan, Dennis Castillo, Eric Elmerson and director Borg as a priest. Never legitimately available on home video in the U.S., the print I viewed was sourced from a Greek-subtitled VHS Tape. Not Rated.

SCOURGE (2008) - The return of Jesse Jarrett (Robyn Ledoux) to the town of Harborford, Washington stirs up those old feelings in ex-boyfriend Scott Miller (Nic Rhind), who is a hockey-playing, motorcycle-riding ex-con (he's really not such a bad guy, though). Unfortunately, this is happening while the old town church burns down. It turns out the church was harboring a deadly secret since 1871; a multi-tentacled creature that escapes and hides in the body of a fireman (it enters through his navel), who then transfers the creature to Scott's cheating girlfriend, Lydia (Marina Pasqua). Scott has had his doubts about Lydia's faithfulness, so he follows her one night and catches her cheating with some guy in the ladies room of a nightclub. Too bad for Scott, as Lydia has already transferred the creature into her new lover's body and she dies (bloodily) in Scott's arms. Sheriff Durst (Russ Ferrier), Jesse's uncle, has a hard-on for Scott and wants him arrested in connection with Lydia's death. Jesse, who is fighting some personal demons of her own, helps Scott, much to her Uncle's displeasure, while Scott tries to discover exactly what killed Lydia. It leads him to the firehouse and then the church, where Scott discovers the truth behind the ancient evil. Meanwhile, the guy Lydia infected goes berserk in a shopping mall, forcing Deputy Sam (Jason Harder) and Sheriff Durst to shoot him dead. While transporting the body in an ambulance, the creature enters the body of a skateboarding paramedic (!). The creature infects several more people, while Scott tries to track it down and Jesse looks for clues to the creature's origins in the church's records. Jesse finds the great-granddaughter of an 1871 victim that was locked in the church's catacombs and she tells Jesse the whole sordid story. Apparently, only huge electrical shocks (like a lightning strike or being stunned with a taser) or alcohol will keep the creature at bay. When Scott is arrested by the Sheriff, who, it turns out, is infected with the creature, Jesse has to find a way to save Scott and kill the creature in her Uncle. The appearance of a one-eyed church official comes in the nick of time, as a broken lamp, a vat of wine and a very hot fire kills the creature for good. Or does it?  Although the film starts out interestingly enough, it quickly deteriorates thanks to amateur acting, crappy CGI effects and a story that makes very little sense (It plays like a sub-par version of THE HIDDEN [1987]). Director/screenwriter Jonas Quastel (SASQUATCH - 2002; RIPPER 2: LETTER FROM WITHIN - 2004; THE PSYCHIC - 2004) doesn't seem to miss any cliché here; from the Sheriff who refuses to believe that anyone but Scott could be responsible for the murders (no matter how fucked-up the corpses look); the incredible coincidence where Scott is locked in the same cell as the latest infected victim (who also informs Scott that the Sheriff is corrupt and is responsible for setting up Scott's first two-year stint in prison!); to the way police and firefighters don't act slightly concerned how the Sheriff, now burned to a crisp, can suddenly bolt up and infect the town's overweight newspaper reporter (by attaching his lips to the reporter's navel!). Add to that the side effects of being infected includes overeating and constant burping and farting and what you have is a film so devoid of originality or suspense, you'll want to beat yourself over the head with a pipe for comfort, especially after watching Jesse's lame attempt at seducing the fat reporter. It's painful, just like watching the rest of the film. Besides a few moments of gore (including an obvious CGI shot of a man losing his lower jaw), there's nothing to recommend here. Hell, there's not even any nudity! In other words, a typical Vancouver-lensed DTV horror film financed by Canadian tax dollars. Also starring Alan Legros, Sharron Bertchilde, Hugh Anderson, Mensah Iruje, Paul Vigano and Russ Ball. A Lionsgate Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

SCREAM (1981) - No, this is not the Wes Craven film of the same name. This is a bland slasher flick where you have to guess the killer's identity (unlike Craven's film, the identity of the killer in this one is a cheat). A group of investors are rafted down the Rio Grande to a site where a ghost town resides. They are there to size up the area in hopes of turning it into a vacation resort. The very first night there, the killing begins (offscreen). The group become suspicious of each other as the unseen killer hangs, knifes and meat cleavers members of the group one-by-one (again offscreen). As daylight comes, they find their rafts missing and they are 30 miles away from the nearest civilization. Since their leader was one of the first ones killed, the group decides to stay at the ghost town and wait for a rescue team since no one knows the way back. No one said they were smart. When two lost offroad cyclists stumble into town, one of the group borrows a motorcycle and goes off for help. Will he get back before everyone is systematically murdered? Will your eyes close before the film ends? Will I ever stop watching crap like this? Here's my problem with this flick: If you're going to make a slasher film, you damn well better show the slashings. Besides a fleeting second of a scythe cutting off a head, director Byron Quisenberry (who is a movie stuntman by trade) has fashioned a rather bloodless take on FRIDAY THE 13TH, DELIVERANCE and countless other horror films of the day. Originally lensed in 1981 as THE OUTING, this film didn't see the light of day until 1985 when practically every horror film with a pulse got a VHS release. All the characters in this film are from Stereotypes 101: The gruff, know-it-all who wants complete control, the woman scared of her own shadow that screams at every opportunity, the cowboy hat-wearing man who steps up at the plate, the woman who falls for him and, finally, the man-child who is here for sympathy and comic relief. Woody Strode makes a brief appearance two thirds of the way through as an ex-sailor (huh?) with a pet rottweiler who comes bearing bad news, spouts some mumbo-jumbo and then disappears only to return in the finale to save the day. Everyone in this film does stupid things that defy explanation (such as stacking the dead bodies like cords of wood), there's blatant Dr. Pepper product placement and the suspense is sorely lacking. Jesus, this film is bad! If there's one good point to this film, it's the music. While it does sound awfully familiar to John Carpenter's theme to HALLOWEEN, it does add atmosphere to some scenes. Also starring Pepper Martin (the man in SUPERMAN II who beats up Clark Kent in the diner), John Ethan Wayne (the Duke's son), Gregg Palmer, Ann Bronston, Alvy Moore (THE WITCHMAKER - 1969), Julie Marine and Hank Worden. This is also an early credit for PM Entertainment co-founder Richard Pepin, who photographed and co-produced. A Vestron Video Release. Rated R.

SCREAM BLOODY MURDER (1972) - Six year old Matthew runs over his father with a tractor and loses his hand when the same tractor runs it over. After a lengthy stay in a mental hospital the grown up Matthew returns home to find his mother remarried much to his chagrin. After dispatching stepdaddy with an axe and accidentally killing his mother, the hook-handed Matthew hitches a ride out of town with a newlywed couple. He murders the couple after seeing them kiss (He sees his mother's face in his mirror). Matthew has a mother fixation. He sees his mother's face on every woman he meets. He is befriended by a prostitute (whom he calls Daisy, after his mother) and goes about killing her Johns. To impress Daisy he tells her he is rich and lives in a mansion. Matthew finds a mansion and kills the occupants (including the family dog!) just so he can prove to Daisy he is telling the truth. He brings Daisy to the mansion and tells her to give up her business. When she declines, Matthew ties her to the bed and makes her a prisoner of the mansion. He goes on a robbery spree so he can buy Daisy the best. Daisy refuses his advances and in one scene when she will not eat the food he is feeding her, Matthew says, "Eat, or I'll cut your tongue out!" The bound and gagged Daisy tries to escape (she dials the operator with her tongue) but Matthew catches her. Angus Scrimm (PHANTASM) puts in an appearance as a doctor who stops by the mansion to give the former occupant her arthritis shot. The doc is killed when he becomes suspicious and finds the dead bodies. Daisy tries a different approach. She entices the virgin Matthew with her naked body. As they are about to dance between the sheets, Matthew sees his mother's face and kills the poor Daisy. His mother's face doesn't disappear this time. The apparition chases him into a church where Matthew meets his maker. This truly amazing early '70's gore psychodrama (which claims to be the first film to be called "gore-nography"!) contains competent acting by Fred Holbert as Matthew and Leigh Mitchell as Daisy, not to mention a very weird finale. While most reference books list the director of this film as Robert J. Emery, the on screen credit goes to Marc B. Ray (who also directed WILD GYPSIES in 1969 and wrote STEPFATHER III in 1992). Complaints: The print quality on the United Home Video version is washed out and the end titles aren't letterboxed, so a portion of the credits are unreadable. Angus Scrimm uses a different name here, but unfortunately I couldn't make it out (It turns out he used the name "Rory Guy", the same pseudonym he used in THE AROUSERS - 1971). SCREAM BLOODY MURDER is also known as THE CAPTIVE FEMALE, MATTHEW and CLAW OF TERROR. A United Home Video Release. Also available on DVD from VCI Entertainment (also in very poor shape) on a double feature with SISTERS OF DEATH. Rated R. NOTE: For more info on this film from one of the film's co-stars, Bill Reynolds, click HERE.

SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT (1979) - A group of college students take a vacation at the secluded camp on Coyote Lake, named that because of the strange noises the wind makes whistling through the trees. They keep occupied by fishing, making out and telling each other scary stories by the fireplace. The first story is about the Moss Point Man. A necking couple run out of gas on a backwoods road and the man heads out into the darkness with gas can in hand leaving the woman alone in the car. The man is chased and killed by a cackling creature with long white hair. The woman hears a scraping sound on the roof of the car, goes out to investigate and (surprise!) finds her lover hanging by his neck, his feet scraping the roof. In between stories, John (Matt Borel) tells Cal (Patrick Byers) about a series of unexplained murders and disappearances that has happened in the area over the years. Cal thinks it's best not to tell anyone else. The second story told by the fireplace is the tale of three fraternity pledges who must spend the night in a haunted hotel with nothing but a sleeping bag and a candle. They are told not to go beyond the first floor. Being pledges, they think it's a test and one-by-one walk up the stairs to the second floor and beyond. The last member see a sight which strikes him mute and crazy. After that story, John and Steve (Gil Glasgow) head out during a storm under the pretense that they are picking up more oil for the lanterns. What they really do is put on a werewolf costume and scare the shit out of everyone else. The final story is about Crazy Annie, a mousey girl who decides to get retribution on those she believes have mistreated her, only to go crazy at the end. In the film's finale, the group finds out just what caused all those murders and disappearances in the past as a violent storm brings something otherworldly with it. Will anyone survive this Winter night?  Made by actual college students in Louisiana and directed by one-shot wonder James L. Wilson, SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT is a rather tame PG-rated anthology film that is short on blood (up until the finale, when it pushes the PG rating) and relies on psychological scares. Even though all the stories are familiar campfire tales, they do raise some goosebumps thanks to the claustrophobic atmosphere and a cast that plays multiple roles (in the present and in the tales). This is nothing spectacular, mind you. Just a pleasant way to spend 91 minutes of your time. Look for a young William Ragsdale (FRIGHT NIGHT - 1985) as a gas station attendant in the beginning of the film. The overhead shots of the van traveling down a secluded road remind me of the shots in the beginning of Kubrick's THE SHINING, even if this film did come out a year earlier. Also known as HOWLINGS OF A WINTER'S NIGHT. Also starring Mary Agen Cox, Robin Bradley, Ray Gaspard, Beverly Allen, Brandy Barrett and Charles Rucker. A VCI Home Video Release, which is now considered a collector's item. Not available on DVD. Rated PG.

SEED (2007) - Leave it to Uwe Boll, of all people, to finally make me sick to my stomach. Not for anything he shot, mind you, but for the real animal cruelty footage that he scammed from PETA and inserted into the film for no other reason than, well, to turn our stomachs. Sure, Boll puts a warning statement at the beginning of the film and makes a (pretty weak) case for including the animal cruelty footage, but it's a sad state of affairs when a director has to stoop this low to try and shock us. SEED is a horror film that falls under the "Torture Porn" banner (I hate that term, but in this case, it's accurate) and, unless you're a fan of human and animal suffering, I'd advise you to steer clear. It's not a badly-made film, but it's just about as grim and hopeless a film can get without making you want to slit your wrists. Inexplicably set in the 70's (probably to avoid such modern conveniences as cell phones and the internet, which would render much of this film moot), the film opens with police detective Matt Bishop (the dour Michael Pare; Boll's TUNNEL RATS - 2007) capturing notorious serial killer Max Seed (Will Sanderson; Boll's IN THE NAME OF THE KING - 2007), who likes to trap animals and people (including a baby) in his dungeon and film them (using time lapse photography) as they slowly die of starvation and then become food for the maggots. Seed then watches the films (sexual gratification is implied) and sends copies to the police, as if to say, "Catch me if you can!" Well, Detective Bishop does just that and Seed is sent to Death Row, where a few years later he is sent to the electric chair. As luck would have it, the electric chair is faulty (the executioner has been trying to get it replaced since the last execution, in which the prisoner caught fire) and Seed survives two 45-second jolts of 15,000 volts. Since federal law states that any prisoner that survives three 45-second jolts shall be set free (it's simply not true, but it makes for a good plot device), warden Arnold Calgrove (Ralf Moeller; Boll's FAR CRY - 2008) has the doctor on hand falsely certify Seed as dead and has him buried alive in the prison's potter's field. It should come as no surprise to viewers that Seed digs his way to the top to get even with those who wronged him, beginning with the executioner (who dies in his own electric chair), the doctor (who has his lips bitten off) and the warden (impaled through the stomach and pinned to a wall) and then kidnapping Bishop's wife and young daughter and sending Bishop live footage of him torturing his family (killing Bishop's wife with a nailgun). Seed wants Bishop to kill himself to stop his daughter's suffering and the film ends on one of the most nihilistic images in a horror film made in 2007.  This is a dank, dark and colorless film (most scenes are filmed at night and are bleached to give them a sepia tone) that really serves no other purpose than to shock. Director/screenwriter Uwe Boll (HOUSE OF THE DEAD - 2003; ALONE IN THE DARK - 2005), who filmed this back-to-back with his bad taste comedy POSTAL (2007), seems to garner a lot of bad press, both from critics and audiences, but I don't think he's a bad filmmaker, just a wrong-headed one. All of his films are professionally made and cast with decent actors (I just don't agree with people who compare him with someone along the lines as Ed Wood or Coleman Francis), but they contain an atmosphere of insane over-the-topness that no other director dares (or cares) to duplicate. SEED is full of such scenes, the standout (or low-point, depending on your point of view) being the sequence where Seed beats some poor woman tied to a chair in the head with the blunt end of a hatchet over-and-over for what seems to be an eternity, until the entire room is covered in her blood and the woman's head is nothing but a bloody pulp (all of this seemingly done in one long take, but it's obvious that CGI was used here on the woman's head and some of the blood splatter). Now comes the "Boll Moment": Instead of stopping the scene there, Boll has Seed plant the handle of the hatchet in the top of the woman's head, like an explorer planting his nation's flag in some new territory. This is what Uwe Boll is all about. There's hardly any plot here to talk about, just scene-after-scene of bloody makeup effects, including a prison guard (who tries to anally rape Seed with two other guards) getting his head kicked through the bars on the jail cell. The only bit of humor in this film is an in-joke where Bishop's young daughter is watching Boll's BLOODRAYNE (2005) on TV and says to her mother, "It's a vampire movie, but it's boring." SEED isn't boring (consider it HOSTEL without all the hip dialogue), but it's only for fans of on-screen pain and suffering. I've deducted a few points for the real-life animal cruelty, which was totally unnecessary and sickening when used out of context, as it is here. I'm also perplexed as to why the warden would allow Seed to continue to wear his mask (actually a burlap bag with eyeholes) in his cell and during his execution. I'll chalk that one up to "artistic license". Also starring Jodelle Ferland, Thea Gill, Andrew Jackson, Brad Turner and a cameo by the late Don S. Davis (TV's STARGATE SG-1). A Vivendi Entertainment DVD Release. Unrated.

SEEDING OF A GHOST (1983) - Chau Zhou (Kao Fei, aka: Phillip Ko) is driving his cab one night when he runs over a black magician who is being chased out of a graveyard by a mob of angry, torch-bearing townspeople. The balck magician suddenly appears in the back seat of Chau's taxi and puts a curse on Chau and his family. Chau's newlywed wife, Irene (Maria Jo), begins having an affair with rich bigshot "Anthony" Fang Ming (Hsu Shao-Chiang, aka: Norman Chu) after he showers her with money and jewelry at her job at a casino (she's a blackjack dealer). One night, Irene has a lover's spat with Anthony and jumps out of his car, only to be chased and raped by two young punks, Peter and Paul, in an abandoned mansion. When she tries to get away, the punks slap her around and, after taking a nasty fall down a long flight of stairs and still trying to get away, she falls off the mansion roof and is killed. Chau gets a mysterious call on his taxi radio, telling him to meet his wife at the mansion. When he gets there, his taxi gets a flat tire and, when he goes to change the tire, the spare tire magically rolls the the spot where his dead wife's body lies. The police naturally think that Chau is responsible (his dispatcher denies making the radio call that sent him to the mansion), but further investigation by the police turns up Anthony's affair (he cops to the affair, but not the murder) and Chau's recollection of seeing Peter and Paul's red Fiat at the scene of the crime lets the police question the two punks. Everyone is eventually released for lack of evidence. This is when it gets tricky and icky. Peter and Paul try to kill Chau, but he ends up beating them to a pulp instead (the police blame Chau for the fight!). Chau then tries to kill Anthony with a baseball bat, but Anthony kneecaps Chau with the bat instead, crippling him. Chau the goes to the black magician he ran over in the beginning of the film and threatens to turn him in for grave robbing if he doesn't help him get revenge. The black magician agrees and performs an ancient ritual called "Seeding Of A Ghost", where Chau's spiritual body and Irene's corpse are joined together (it's quite a sight). As Irene's vengeful spirit goes out to get justice, Chau must constantly apply coconut oil to her shriveled corpse to keep her comfortable (he must also passionately make love to her corpse, too!). As with all black magic rituals, revenge comes with a price. In this case, Chau's body slowly begins to decompose as Irene's spirits torments Peter, Paul and Anthony. And what lovely torment it is. At first, it's just little things. Paul throws up worms after eating a bowl of noodles. Peter's bathroom explodes all around him. Anthony's wife anally rapes him with a giant plastic matchstick (ouch!). Things get progressively worse for the three cads on Irene's shitlist and only Anthony seems to grasp what is going on. He hires a white magician to break the evil spell on his wife. Peter and Paul go to a phony medium, but Irene possesses her body and tells the duo that "My son will get revenge!" Being the two stupid dolts that they are, Peter and Paul ignore the warning because Irene was only married for four months and couldn't possibly have a son. Or could she? I'm afraid you'll have to watch this film if you want to know how it ends, although I will tell you that a baby is born and it is born with a full set of teeth...  This sleazy Hong Kong horror film, directed by Yang Chaun (HELL HAS NO BOUNDARY - 1982; MY DARLING GENIE - 1984; TWISTED PASSION - 1985; REVENGE OF ANGEL - 1990), takes a while to kick in but, when it does, stand back and prepare to be slack-jawed. With surprising scenes of full-frontal nudity, necrophelia, ooze and bladder effects, SEEDING OF A GHOST is truly one twisted film. The final half hour is one of the sickest thirty minute examples of early 80's Hong Kong horror, as corpses have sex, spinal columns are exposed and a battle between good and evil magicians takes place. Too much sleaze happens here to fit into one review, but I loved the scene where Paul's sister, who is now possessed by Irene's spirit, walks into a sleeping Paul's bedroom, proceeds to have sex with him, tries to strangle him with her panties when he wakes up and then tosses him to his death off of the apartment roof. The "birth of a baby" scene will have you doing a double-take (I rewound it a few times just to make sure I wasn't imagining it). It's apparent the scene was modeled on the chest-bursting sequence in ALIEN (1979), but this film takes it to new, dizzying heights! Describing it here is doing you a disservice. This is a gory, sexy, crazy flick that gets my highest recommendation. A Shaw Brothers Production that is available on DVD in a beautiful widescreen print (with English subtitles) from Celestial Pictures. Search it out. Also starring Man Biu Baak, Wei Chia-Wen and Chik Mei-Tseng. A Celestial Pictures Release. Not Rated.

SEEDPEOPLE (1992) - Any similarities between this film and INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS is purely intentional, even if the opening credits say it is based on an original idea by Charles Band. The peaceful town of Comet Valley, the site of a meteor shower 500 years earlier, is closed off to all incoming and outgoing traffic for 3 days when its only entrance, a bridge, is shut down for repairs. Pieces of meteors are found in the barren forest, and upon examination, are found to be seeds from some alien planet sent into space to multiply upon contact with fertile soil. The only problem was that they crashed on protein defecient soil and were lying dormant for five centuries. That problem is resolved when the town's alcoholic, half-crazed physician, Doc Roller (Bernard Kates), takes one of the seeds and grows it to fruition. The result is three plant-like monstrosities (courtesy of John Carl Buechler's MMI creature shop) who proceed to take over the bodies of Comet Valley's population. Soon the townspeople are walking around like a bunch of zombies, looking for more seeds to grow. Plant expert Sam Hennings joins forces with the remorseful Doc to try to destroy the menace before the bridge reopens. Their only weapons: Ultraviolet light (the aliens abhore it) and a powerful pesticide. Highly derivitive of the far superior BODY SNATCHERS, but still fun anyway. The only complaint I really have is Full Moon's dependence on Buechler's F/X every time they have a film with creatures in it. All their films are beginning to look alike, because most of Buechler's creature effects have a similar feel to them. As one of the few production companies still around to make low budget horror, Full Moon should give some F/X work to the many new breed of young artists, even if Charles Band has had a long affiliation with Buechler (it dates back to Band's Empire Films days). New blood may inject a sense of realism into the films, something which Buechler's work lacks. Also starring Andrea Roth and Dane Witherspoon. Directed by Peter Manoogian (ENEMY TERRITORY - 1987; DEMONIC TOYS - 1990). A Paramount Home Video Release. Rated R.

SEE NO EVIL (2006) - For anyone who watched WWE Wrestling during 2006, this was one of the most overhyped films on WWE's three weekly TV wrestling programs. It's no wonder because WWE president Vince McMahon is executive producer on this and it's WWE Films' first stab at an R-rating. And what a brutal, violent film it is. It's director Gregory Dark's first straight film since 1996's ANIMAL INSTINCTS III, as he is a noted porn director by trade (a fact that seemed to slip through the cracks of WWE's hype machine). Four years ago, Jacob Goodnight (WWE wrestler Kane, whose real name is Glen Jacobs) killed seven people by plucking their eyes out in some weird religious ritual. A veteran cop named Williams (Steven Vidler) and his rookie partner are investigating a complaint about a woman screaming in an abandoned building when they run into Goodnight, who kills the rookie and cuts off Williams' arm with an axe, but not before he puts a bullet in Goodnight's skull (who still somehow manages to get away). Cut to the present, as Williams is now a corrections officer (with a prosthetic arm) in charge of a group of eight petty criminals who are released on a special program to clean-up the abandoned Blackwell Hotel. Little does anyone realize that Jacob Goodnight is also occupying the 8th floor and it's not long before he starts killing the felons one-by-one, snaring them with a big hook attached to a chain and then plucking their eyes out with his bare hands. Goodnight kidnaps Kira (Samantha Noble) and saves her as his personal pet, because she has crucifixes tattooed all over her body. If you think Williams is going to save the day, you're going to be in for a shock, because Goodnight dispatches him quickly (a hook through the jaw), probably because of the huge hole Williams put in the back of his head four years earlier. Now, the remaining felons must band together and try to survive Goodnight's bloody religious rampage.  Although this has a generic slasher film plot, there's a lot here to really admire. Gregory Dark (who also used the names "Gregory Brown" and "A. Gregory Hippolyte" when directing non-porn films in the past) gives the film a nice visual flair, using hand-cranked cameras and other photographic tricks to imbue the film with a nice unhealthy dose of atmosphere. Kane is also a real imposing presence, as he prowls the halls with his lumbering nearly 7 foot frame, bald head and hands the size of baseball mitts. The fact that he hardly utters ten words (flashbacks reveal that his uber-religious mother tortured him as a child for having "impure thoughts") is a testament (no pun intended) to his visual scariness. The violence in this film is definitely hard-R territory, as eyes are plucked-out in graphic close-up, various body parts are lopped-off, there's a vicious attack by a pack of dogs on a woman hanging upside down and Goodnight makes another girl swallow her constantly-ringing cell phone. There's also an unexpected twist (at least for me) two-thirds of the way through the film that gives everything that came before it a little extra bite. Kane's death is one of the mosts memorable departures in slasher film history. Stay tuned during the end credits for a humorous (if nasty) stinger. I liked this film quite a bit because just when you thing the film is going to turn left, it hits you with a nasty, hard right. This is one bloody good show. Even with all of WWE's hype, SEE NO EVIL didn't perform as well as expected in theaters. Maybe it will find the audience it deserves on home video and cable. On a side note: After watching the "Making Of" segment on the DVD supplements, I'm convinced that Gregory Dark has the biggest ears I have ever seen on a human being. I believe a good gust of wind would make him airborne. Also starring Christina Vidal, Michael J. Pagan, Luke Pegler, Cecily Polson and Rachel Taylor. Filmed in Australia. A Lionsgate Release. Rated R. Not to be confused with the 1971 film starring Mia Farrow with the same name.

THE SEVERED ARM (1973) - Six friends spend their vacation exploring a cave when it collapses. After 30 days with no food, the group decide to draw straws, the loser has to give up an arm so the others can eat it. Ted has his arm cut off  (much to his protest of, "Please wait a few hours more!") and minutes later the group hears digging on the other side of the cave-in. They are saved! Realizing the consequences of their actions, the group concoct a story that Ted had his arm crushed in the cave-in and they had to cut it off to save his life. Ted ends up in an insane asylum and vows revenge. Five years pass and Ted is released from the loony bin. One of the survivors receives a human arm in the mail and calls the other four to get together for a meeting. Since they are all successful businessmen (doctor, detective, TV writer, architect, radio DJ) and they do not want the truth to come out, they decide to hunt down Ted and put him back in the nut house. Ted has other plans. The doctor is his first victim. His arm is cut off with an axe. The DJ is next. He has his arm hacked off while he is live on the air. The architect gets his arm cut off in an elevator. The remaining two enlist the help of Ted’s daughter (the late Deborah Walley) to help them capture Ted. She has a meeting with her father at the beach, so the two decide to lay a trap. But just who is laying the trap? The trap backfires and the detective has his arm ripped off (he is tossed off a cliff with a rope attached to his arm; this scene is extremely effective). In the end it turns out that Ted’s daughter and son are the real killers. They are avenging their father, who is now a vegetable in a wheelchair. Years of stagnating in a mental institution have turned him into a comatose invalid and his children have special plans for the last remaining survivor. They lock the TV writer in a padded room with nothing but a sharp knife, telling him that when he gets hungry enough, he will cut off his own arm for nourishment. The children gleefully show their father what they have done but he just stares blankly into space, not able to relish the retribution he so strongly desired to perform before he became a one-armed head of lettuce. This is not a bad example of the "killer on the loose"-type film that became commonplace (and downright boring) after FRIDAY THE 13TH hit the market and opened the floodgates. Although the gore is not very convincing (this is the early 70’s), the creepy storyline manages to hold your attention even if you can spot who the killer really is 20 minutes into the film. There are many effective moments, including Marvin Kaplan’s (who plays the radio DJ) death in the radio booth. We see an overhead shot of an axe-weilding hand breaking the glass partition in slow motion, the axe swing back and forth until no glass is left to obstruct the killer’s path. There are a few other shocking moments in the film that I will leave for the viewer to discover. If you remember Deborah Walley from the GIDGET films and BEACH BLANKET BINGO (1965), you will hardly recognize her here. Time has not been kind to her. Co-star John Crawford (who plays the doctor) has a long career in films, dating back to the 1950 serial THE INVISIBLE MONSTER. He can also be seen in RED LINE 7000 (1965) and THE BOOGENS (1981). Paul Carr (who plays the TV writer) has also appeared in THE BAT PEOPLE  and TRUCK STOP WOMEN (both 1974), THE DEADLY TOWER (TV-1975) and SISTERS OF DEATH (1976). To the best of my knowledge, director Thomas S. Alderman has not made another film, which is a shame. THE SEVERED ARM is not a bad film to have on your resume. Note: Nearly all reference books give this film a "bomb" rating, which leads me to believe they have never viewed this film and are rating it by the title alone. It deserves a better fate than that. A Video Gems Home Video Release. This version is uncut. All other versions on VHS and DVD are cut. Not Rated.

SHADOWS OF THE MIND (1976/1980) - This is one of late director Roger Watkins' (here using the pseudonym "Bernard Travis") rare forays into mainstream filmmaking, his first being LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET (1973). It's films like this that probably drove him go back to making stylish porn films like CORRUPTION (1983) and AMERICAN BABYLON (1987). He wasn't happy with this film and it's easy to see why. Elise (screenwriter Marion Joyce) has been in an institution for 12 years after seeing her father and stepmother drown in a lake when she was 12 years old. Years of experimental therapy, by her psychiatrist, Robert (Erik Rolfe), have "cured" Elise and now she reluctantly is ready to go home to the empty mansion where she grew up. While in the mansion, Elise has flashbacks of when she was young and hears voices of her father and stepmom pleading, "Elise, help us!" over and over, leading the viewer to believe that maybe they didn't die in an accident after all. She is also harassed by her failed-stockbroker stepbrother Leland (G.E. Barrymore), who knows that she's worth millions (she has no idea that she is rich thanks to Robert, who thinks she's better off not knowing) and makes her life miserable with nasty little comments. There's also the house's leering caretaker, Andrew (Anthony Frank), who makes every word that comes out of his mouth seem like a sexual chauvanistic remark when talking to Elise. It all boils down to this: Is Elise slowly going mad again or is she "pushed" along for more nefarious reasons? It doesn't take long to find out the answer as pretty soon people start turning up dead, especially when Robert comes to visit with his snotty girlfriend Diana (Bianca Sloane) and they are forced to stay the night. Soon after, we learn the real truth behind Elise's parents' deaths. It's easy to see why Roger Watkins does care for this film because he was forced by the producers to use screenwriter Marion Joyce as the lead actress. It's apparent she can't act after the first words come out of her mouth and her thick Brooklyn (?) accent is a total distraction. But that not the worse thing about her. She's butt ugly! She has the face of a mule and when she opens her mouth, you have to turn away from the screen for a few seconds because she has this huge overbite and the gaps between her teeth are so huge, she could use chopsticks to floss. It's hard to care about someone when you can't look at them. Another real distraction is the use of voiceover narration to advance the plot. It seems as if Watkins wasn't given enough time or money to film the necessary expository scenes. On the plus side, there are some nice camera flourishes and Watkins does know how to compose a shot and they both add nicely to the schizophrenic atmosphere. There are also a couple of of fairly gory murders (a scythe through the neck; a corkscrew in the eye) and some nudity (thankfully, none by Joyce), but this film is mainly a talky mess that is best viewed as the rare curio that it is. As a horror film, it fails to connect. Originally filmed in 1976 as "The Heritage Of Blood" and not released until 1980. The copy I reviewed was struck from the Dutch Pioneer laserdisc that had burned-in Dutch subtitles. Not Rated. NOTE: Watkins made a film in 1980 called SPITOON, which was basically a fictitious take on the story of his diffuculties in making SHADOWS OF THE MIND. He also was not satisfied with the way that film turned out and destroyed the negative.

SHOCK WAVES (1976) - This is the film that started the Nazi zombie craze (most recently seen in DEAD SNOW - 2008) and it's still one of the best. The fact that this film manages to be creepy without relying on gross-out gore, but rather with mood and atmosphere, is all the more remarkable. Even more amazing is that it was directed and co-written by Ken Weiderhorn, who would later give us such inferior films as the frat house scatfest KING FRAT (1979), the B-level slasher film EYES OF A STRANGER (1981), the fractured mess of a horror film DARK TOWER (1987) and the mostly unfunny horror sequel RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD PART II (1988), so it seems he shot his creative wad on his freshman effort. In the film's beginning, it is explained that during World War II, the Nazi SS High Command began top secret experiments in the supernatural (it is now a well-known fact that Hitler had deep interests in the occult) to turn soldiers into indestructible zombie storm troopers, which was code-named "The Death Corps." (the shooting title of the film). Unfortunately for Germany, the war ended before The Death Corps. could be put into action outside Germany and a platoon of the Nazi zombies have been waiting in a sunken freighter off the coast of Florida to be reactivated. It is now 1976 and a fishing boat spots a glass-bottomed dingy drifting aimlessly in the Florida seas. On the dingy is a dehydrated Rose (Brooke Adams; THE DEAD ZONE - 1983) and the story she has to tell is the basis for the rest of the film. We flashback to a few weeks earlier, where Rose and three other passengers are on a small tour boat trolling around the islands. The temperamental boat's even more temperamental Captain Ben (John Carradine; FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND - 1981) complains to first mate Keith (Luke Halpin; MR. NO LEGS - 1979) that the boat must have "accurate navigation" ("It's a sailor's best friend!"), but the sun starts to look strange (the whole sky turns orange) and they lose compass bearings and radio contact. This visibly unnerves Captain Ben and his crew (The boat's cook, Dobbs [Don Stout], says, "The sea spits up what it can't keep down" which is very prophetic), but they try to hide it from the passengers, which besides Rose, includes an always-complaining Norman (Jack Davidson), his much put-upon wife Beverly (D.J. Sidney) and the physically-fit Chuck (Fred Buch). In the middle of the night, the boat is sideswiped by a ghost freighter, which seemingly rose out of the ocean depths and has gotten itself stuck on a sandbar. The next morning, everyone discovers that they are stuck on the same sandbar next to a mysterious island, but Captain Ben is missing. When it is deemed that the boat is no longer seaworthy, everyone takes the glass-bottomed dingy to the island, where they discover Captain Ben's dead body underwater. On the island is a decaying old seaside hotel and they use it for shelter, but it's plain to see someone already lives there (a working fish tank and a Gramophone playing an old 78 rpm record are just two clues). That occupant is an old SS Commander (Peter Cushing; his next film was STAR WARS!), who has been hiding on the island since the end of WWII, and he is just as surprised as everyone else to see the rusted freighter on the horizon. This can only mean one thing: The Death Corps. Have been reactivated and they are ready to kill. The blonde-haired, goggle-wearing, jackbooted zombies rise out of the ocean (a very well-done and eerie sequence) and begin killing the stranded castaways, beginning with Dobbs, who Rose finds while taking a swim in the lagoon (his body is bloated and misshapen). The SS Commander explains to the group what they are up against and offers them a small sailboat to make their escape, but as we already know, there will only be one survivor of this ordeal.  While there is very little plot to this low-budget horror flick (Weiderhorn co-wrote the screenplay with John Harrison [MURDER BY PHONE - a.k.a. BELLS - 1982]), SHOCK WAVES still manages to be a scary, moody film thanks to some totally creepy underwater sequences (the zombies walking on the sea bottom is a unique sight and Underwater Photographer Irving Pare captures it perfectly) and the look of the zombies themselves (Makeup Design by Alan Ormsby; CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS - 1972), outfitted in SS uniforms and looking like the Master Race with a really bad case of acne. I also like that these zombies aren't flesh eaters. They're fast-moving undead whose only job is to kill, even killing the SS Commander who created them (Peter Cushing looks impossibly thin and frail here). There's very little blood or gore on view (just shots of dead bodies and zombies rotting when their goggles are pulled off), but there is no real call for it here, because this film relies more on atmosphere than blood and guts. Must viewing for fans of Val Lewton-esque horror. This had various VHS releases, from Prism Entertainment, American Video and Starmaker Entertainment, but the only way to really watch this film is the widescreen DVD from Blue Underground, mastered from the director's own vault print. It blows all the VHS editions out of the water. Rated PG.

SHREDDER (2001) - When my first marriage dissolved in the early 80's, I decided to change my life completely. I threw away all the bad baggage in my life and made some new friends. One of the rituals we did was rent a house during the Winter in a ski town called Hunter Mountain in New York and get together every weekend. This co-ed house only had three rules: 1: Everyone always had their own bed no matter what time they came home. 2: Absolutely no sex between shareholders as not to cause any undue stress (although family members and friends the shareholders brought with them were fair game) and 3: When you are out at a bar you get your own ride home no matter who you came with. These were excellent rules and this ritual lasted a good seven years (and I still remain friends with nearly all the shareholders today). In the seven years that I spent Winters in Hunter Mountain I must have hit the slopes only four times. It wasn't about skiing but about having fun, getting wasted and meeting new people. I eventually met my current wife during one of these weekends. Alas, we're all married now and don't get together as often as we like, but we are still in each other's hearts. Just what does this have to do with the movie you may ask? Well, in this film every rule I stated has been broken and people are paying their lives for it. A rich bitch and her snowboarder friends break into an abandoned ski lodge, where years earlier a group of snowboarders killed a young girl by mistake. Now someone wearing a black ski suit is killing the obnoxious group (which contains the bitch, her put-upon boyfriend, a guy with a video camera nearly attached to his face, a champion snowboarder, a faux lesbian, a horny girl and a "European" hitchhiker they pick up along the way). Quicker than you can say, "Where's the bedroom?", the girls are having sex with the hitchhilker, the snowboarders are breaking all the mountain rules and the killer finds different ways to get rid of them. There's an icepick to the forehead, a skipole through the head, impalement by icicle, a hanging on the ski lift by a scarf, a hatchet to the leg, two decapitations and a CGI disposal of the killer with a huge icebreaker. It's not hard to spot who the killer is, but there's nice mountain scenery, some excellent skiing and snowboarding footage, a few good scares (including a head impaled on a fire poker being thrust at one of the girls trapped in a closet, the film's highlight) and some well-placed humor. It's just an ordinary horror film that doesn't take too many chances and leaves a lot of unanswered questions, Like: What is a fully-functional hot tub doing at an abandoned ski lodge? Director Greg Huson gets props for ladling on the blood and gore, but the characters are one-dimensional and the plot is full of holes. He must be a skier because he enjoys killing snowboarders who refuse to obey the rules (a major plot point in the story). Starring Scott Weinger, Lindsey McKeon, Juleah Weikel, Billy O' (I guess he couldn't afford a full last name), Holly Towne, Brad Hawkins and Candace Moon. A MGM DVD Release. Rated R.

SILENT MADNESS (1984) - This little-seen horror gem (filmed in 3-D, but shown flat when released to most theaters) deserves a U.S. DVD release NOW! Better acted than most slasher films, SILENT MADNESS delivers the goods from the get-go. Due to a name mix-up, psychotic silent mental patient Howard Johns (stunt co-ordinator Solly Marx) is accidentally released from the looney bin and begins to kill immediately. He kills a teenage couple making out in a van (the boy gets a sledgehammer to the head and the girl gets a flying 3-D axe planted in her back) and then turns his anger on a rollerskating girl, crushing her head in a vise. He then begins stalking the girls at a local sorority house (where it is half-empty during Fall Break), where den mother Miss Collins (film vet Viveca Lindfors) chastises the girls for flaunting their feminity. One of the girls pays the price by getting a faceful of steam, courtesy of Howard. Meanwhile, back at the hospital, psychiatrist Dr. Gilmore (Belinda Montgomery) is trying to find out why the dastardly Dr. Kruger (Roderick Cook) is covering-up Howard Johns' release. Dr. Kruger says Johns is "deceased" not "released" as it says on the paperwork, declaring it a typo. Dr. Gilmore doesn't buy it and tries to find out just what type of experiments Kruger is running on the patients in his heavily guarded ward. Dr. Gilmore takes her case to the police and tries to get info on Howard Johns from foul-mouthed Sheriff Liggett (genre stalwart Sydney Lassick), who tells her to go to the newspaper office. There she meets Mark McGowan (David Greenan), a reporter who helps her unravel the mystery. She learns that Johns committed several bloody murders at the sorority house years earlier, and with Mark's help, goes undercover there as an alumni to try to uncover more info.  She becomes friends with the girls there and she learns that Miss Collins knows all about the murders. Miss Collins tells a story (told in a black-and-white flashback) of how Howard was ridiculed by some sorority sisters during Pledge Week and snapped, killing them all in the house's boiler room. While investigating the boiler room, Dr. Gilmore is attacked by Howard, but escapes. Now that she has proof that Howard is alive, she and David have the proof they need to bring down Dr. Kruger, that is if Howard and the evil doctor (and his goons) don't get to her, David and the sorority girls first. Director Simon Nuchtern (SAVAGE DAWN - 1985) builds the tension slowly, giving us a trio of murders in the beginning and then slowly building suspense until the suspenseful conclusion. For once, the 3-D effects don't seem to be tacked on as they are integral to the plot and killings. No flying ping-pong balls or yo-yos in your face here (just one unnecessary electric prod thrusted at the screen). The acting is uniformly excellent for a horror film and it's nice to have more than one bad guy to boo at, as there are two kinds of killers here: The psychotic "kill anything that moves" kind and the cold, calculating intellectual kind. Give this one a chance and you'll probably like it, but good luck trying to find a copy. It's just different  and more offbeat than most films of this type and there's a couple of killer gags involving a flying dumbell and a table drill. Also starring Rick Aeillo, Stanja Lowe and John Bentley. A Media Home Entertainment Release wich is long OOP. I managed to score a copy on eBay, but not without some heavy bidding. Rated R.

SISTERS OF DEATH (1977) - If there was ever a case of substance over style, this is it. Arthur Franz (INVADERS FROM MARS, ATOMIC SUBMARINE) stars with the late Claudia Jennings in this poorly photographed, but well written revenge melodrama. A girl is killed during the pledge ceremonies of a sorority called The Sisters. The police label it an accident. But was it? Seven years later the remaining Sisters receive identical letters inviting them to a reunion at a remote estate. This estate is a killer with an electrified fence, spiders, snakes, a vicious dog, and a gattling gun! The script (by Peter Arnold and Elwyn Richards) to this odd exercise in filmmaking is full of twists, especially towards the end. What destroys the movie is the shoddy work behind the scenes. Bad direction, terrible lighting, and a boom mike that is clearly visible through half the film. (I guess no one knew how to block a shot) are some of the reasons that it is hard to take this film seriously. Director Joseph Mazzuca  takes the blame for turning a promising film into a broken promise. (Note:This video from Interglobal Home Video can be purchased in most record and department stores for under $10.00) Also starring Cheri Howell and Paul Carr. Also available on DVD from VCI Entertainment on a double feature with SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Not Rated, but not stronger than a PG-13.

SKINNED ALIVE (1989) - Amateurish black comedy shot for $16,000.00 on 16mm film.  A trio of psychopaths, led by the bitchy female Crawldaddy (Mary Jackson) pick up hitchhikers and people with broken-down cars and skins them alive (hence the title) and sell their skins as leather goods. The cackling Phink (Scott Spiegel, the best thing about this piece of trash) and Violet (Susan Rothacker) round out the trio. When their van breaks down in some hick town in Ohio, they are taken in by the kindly Paul and Louise Hickox (Floyd Ewing Jr. and Jennifer Mullen). Soon the trio is up to their old tricks, cutting off the fingers of a delivery boy (Mike Shea), shooting and skinning alive a Jehovah's Witness (Producer J.R. Bookwalter) and cleaving Mrs. Hickox's head in half with and axe. A disgraced, alcoholic ex-cop (Lester Clark), who lives next door, notices their strange behavior and, in the finale, goes Rambo on their ass. He literally blows apart Crawldaddy (the film's best effect), slices open Violet's stomach until her intestines fall out and blows apart Phinks's face. It all sounds much more exciting than it is, but the main reason for watching is the extras that come after. J.R. Bookwalter, director/writer Jon Killough (who plays the first victin and most of the cast and crew are interviewed for the 2002 remastered edition. Bookwalter ends up looking like a controlling prick, Killough gave up directing any more films due to his bad experience with Bookwalter and the cast and crew also get in their digs and accolades at both Killough and Bookwalter. It seems the film ended up being too short to be called a feature, so Bookwalter took over the film and shot scenes of the cop's ex-wife and lawyer emotionally torturing the cop to pad out the film to feature length (75 minutes). It slows down the pace of the film, as if it could have gone any slower. The extras are the best part of the package as people either praise or put down the film and the conspicuous absence of Scott Spiegel during any of this becomes apparent. He had moved on to bigger and better things, directing such films as FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1998) and executive-producing HOSTEL (2005), while Bookwalter, who hasn't directed a good film since his debut THE DEAD NEXT DOOR (1989), keep turning out SOV crap as his ego gets bigger and bigger. He's the king of the  Grade Z School of Filmmaking (and quite proud of it). If you are gonna watch this, pick up the remastered version. It has a better picture, new opening and closing credits, 5.1 Dolby Sound and the entertaining extras. The film may suck but the documentary describing the film's history is priceless. The effects (supervised by David Barton [DEAD & ROTTING - 2002] and others) range from amateurish to gross (check out the hanging skin in the Hickox's basement that Violet likes to play with, especially the penis). A Tempe Video Release. Not Rated.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE ROCK (1987) - Alex Gardner (Nicholas Celozzi) is having terrible nightmares about being trapped in a prison while a hulking monster approaches. He reads a story about a rock group called Body Bag being found slaughtered on Alcatraz Island by lead singer Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil), who authorities believe killed everyone before committing suicide. Alex feels a connection to that story and, along with his brother Richard (Tom Reilly) and a few friends, goes on a "field trip" to Alcatraz to try and cure himself of his nightmares (which are now also occurring during the daytime). Leading them on the trip is Carolyn (Donna Denton), a teacher and parapsychologist, who tells Alex his dreams are tied to the history of Alcatraz (before it was a prison, it was occupied by Indians who practiced cannibalism). and he must face his fears if the nightmares are to stop. Once on the island, the group begins their investigation and almost immediately Alex is separated from everyone else. The ghost of Sammy Mitchell warns Alex that a monster called the Commandant (Al Fleming) is loose on the island and she accidentally let him loose when she was shooting a music video here. Richard becomes possessed by the spirit of the Commandant and tries to rape his girlfriend Krista (Hope Marie Carlton). He eventually rips her throat out with his extremely large (and sharp) teeth. Richard then snaps the neck of Jack (Steven Brian Smith) and puts his fist through the head of Marty (Ty Miller). The only people left alive on the island (there are plenty of ghosts and only Alex can see and talk to them) are Alex, Carolyn and Jan (Tamara Hyler), as the ghost of Sammy helps Alex to open a door which will set all the souls of the people who died on the island free and destroy the Commandant in the process. Alex must fight his way to the door while Carolyn and Jan keep Richard busy. They all succeed (Carolyn loses her life in the process) and Alex gets a reward for his good deed: He gains all of Sammy's musical talent! Some small reward for getting most of his friends killed.  Director Dimitri Logothetis (BODY SHOT - 1993) has crafted a somewhat atmospheric, if derivative, horror tale, severely marred by some amateurish acting (lead Nicholas Celozzi is the main offender and I guess he got the job because his father Nicholas Celozzi Sr. was executive producer) and an awful lot of juvenile and jokey dialogue between the cast. The script (by Sandra Willard and Nora Goodman) doesn't make very much sense, mixing demons, ghosts, cannibalisn, realistic nightmares, Indians and rock music (original songs written by Mark Mothersbaugh and performed by Devo). There's plenty of bloody imagery, as hands are chopped off, rib cages are pulled out, people are disemboweled and sliced up and Alex pukes up worms. Hope Marie Carlton also strips nude a couple of times to keep your mind off the absurdity of it all. But the story mixes too many genres and doesn't amount to all that much. When Toni Basil (whose song "Mickey" burned up the charts and fried everyone's brain cells during the early 80's) does one of her patented choreographed dances about halfway through the film, I was severely tempted to turn this damned thing off. The film can't seem to make up it's mind up whether it wants to be a comedy or a serious horror film and both aspects never gel together as a whole. There are a few good scenes, but much of it will remind you of the much-better A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984). The location photography is good, though. A Sony Video Software Company Release. Rated R.

THE SLAYER (1981) - This underrated little horror film is a neat slice of 80's cheese. Kay (Sarah Kendall) has been bothered by recurring nightmares ever since she was a little girl, especially the one where a creature with huge taloned fingers grabs her by the neck. Kay and her husband, David (Alan McRae), decide to vacation with her brother, Eric (Frederick Flynn), and his wife, Brooke (Carol Kottenbrook), at a house on a secluded island. From the moment Kay steps off the small plane, the island seems familiar to her, like she's been there before. Island caretaker Marsh (Michael Holmes) tells her that she's not the first one to feel that way. Particularly disturbing to Kay is the abandoned theater that they pass while walking to the house. Kay, who is an artist, has painted that house on one of her canvases months before. She only paints images from her nightmares, which is beginning to put a strain on her marriage.  Meanwhile, a fisherman, who is cleaning his catch on the island's beach, has his head caved-in by someone swinging a mean oar. Of course, after less than a day on the island, a nasty storm blows in, knocking out the electricity and trapping everyone on the island. That night, Kay and David have an arguement (she tries to convince him that she's been to this house before in her dreams, but he's getting tired of listening to it) and David walks out of the bedroom. David hears a noise in the basement and investigates, finding water leaking through an elevator shaft. David climbs a ladder and opens the shaft's trap door, but it slams on his neck and he is killed. At the same time, Kay has a nightmare that she is kissing David's decapitated head in their bed and the next morning, when David turns up missing, Kay knows that he is dead, but she can't convince Eric or Brooke that her dreams come true. Eric and Brooke search the island for David, while Kay checks out the creepy abandoned theater. She finds David's headless body hanging over the stage and tries to convince Eric and Brooke that if she goes to sleep, their lives are in danger. They should have listened to her. Instead, they drug her milk and put her to sleep. While Kay sleeps, Eric is dragged into the water after a huge fishing hook punctures his neck and Brooke has a pitchfork shoved through her back (it exits through her breasts, in the film's best gory effect). When Kay wakes up the next morning and discovers the bodies, she barracades herself in the house and tries to stay awake (even burning herself with a cigarette). As night approaches, Kay realizes she's not alone in the house. Someone or something is trying to kill her and she hides in the attic after shooting Marsh with a flaregun and setting the house on fire. Unfortunately, something nasty is waiting for her there. A surprise ending explains it all.  This atmospheric, but sometimes darkly-lit, horror flick is the first directorial effort from J.S. Cardone, who would later give us such horror films like SHADOWZONE (1990), THE FORSAKEN (2001) and WICKED LITTLE THINGS (2006). Although THE SLAYER is nothing extraordinary, it's a decent chiller that gets to the scares pretty quickly and is enhanced by the eerie island locations and set-pieces. While the gore is minimal, it is brutal (freeze frame when the oar hits the fisherman's skull for an example of what I mean) and the creature effects are very well-handled, though insanely brief. The acting isn't too bad either and there are no annoying teens like in most films of this type. The cast of adults is refreshing and this film would make a good double bill with SAVAGE WEEKEND (1976), another horror film with an all-adult cast. This film also uses themes (the blur between nightmares and reality) that would be expanded upon three years later in Wes Craven's A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and the surprise ending is actually satisfying for a change. It doesn't seem tacked-on like most 80's horror films. There's really not much more I can say about this film, except it's a totally watchable horror film that delivers what it promises. Nothing more, nothing less. Stay clear of the version on VHS from Continental Video, part of a double feature with Fred Olen Ray's SCALPS (1983). It's edited down to 75 minutes and cuts an entire character completely out of the film: Kay's agent, Norman (Sandy Simpson). The edit is obvious, as we see David and Kay talk about the trip in the beginning of the film and then there's a noticable jump-cut to everyone on the plane, excising a good six minutes of footage. The rest of the film seems untouched as far as I could tell. Try to find the VHS version on Canadian label Marquis Video or the British DVD from Vipco, as they are both the uncut 81 minute version. Also starring Paul Gandolfo, Newell Alexander, Ivy Jones, Jennifer Gaffin and Carl Kraines as the Slayer. Rated R.

SLEEPOVER NIGHTMARE (2004) - Right from the beginning, you know this is going to be one of those films that throws all logic out the window in order to advance the plot. While transporting psychotic killer Ron (Wayne McMahon) to the Koksilah Institute For The Criminally Insane (really?), the driver of the van decides to play chicken with a Ferrari (really?) and ends up getting into a head-on collision with an 18-wheeler, which allows Ron to escape (after biting one of the guards in the jugular). He ends up at the exclusive enclave of Gnarly Oaks (really?), where, coincidentally, a big summertime party is in full swing, full of dumb teenage victims just waiting to be slaughtered. This isn't just your standard annoying teenage boozefest, this is your super-standard, super-annoying teenage boozefest, complete with amateur acting, a trampoline, volleyball playing, water-skiing and plenty of bikini-bottomed booty-shaking. The victims include super-cad Dwight (Chad E. Rook); his new, much-too-understanding girlfriend Karli (Haley Sales); rich bitch Shannon (Kristine Cofsky), who is throwing the party and has a history with Dwight; Shannon's ecstasy-addled boyfriend Michael (Benjamin R. Hanson); nerdy Harry (Richard Olak); and various other stereotypical idiotic teens. As Ron spies on the partygoers bouncing on the trampoline, having sex and swimming in the pool, we learn why he is so psychotic: Seven years earlier, he caught his girlfriend screwing another guy in his car, so he goes berserk and kills the guy (by slamming the car door repeatedly on his head), throws his girlfriend in his car and takes off like a bat out of hell, failing to notice the large bonfire in front of his car. He hits it, spins the car over on it's roof and the car explodes. He escapes, but his girlfriend is burnt beyond recognition and he hasn't been the same since (really?). Ron now begins killing everyone at the party using such weapons as a long metal crowbar, belonging to irate elderly groundskeeper Jimmy (Will Millar, who channels Groundskeeper Willie from THE SIMPSONS), and a beer can (yes, you read right, a beer can!). Things really turn hairy when daylight ends and the party turns into a sleepover nightmare. Ohhhh, I'm scared!  I know director/screenwriter/co-producer Boon Collins (ABDUCTED - 1986; ABDUCTED II: THE REUNION - 1994) was aiming for a tongue-in-cheek horror flick, but he populates it with people so unlikable, it's hard to give a shit what happens to them (Really, I was hoping that Ron would kill them all in one broad stroke to end the inanity). For one, Dwight is such a heartless prick (he screws Shannon at soon as he arrives at the party, leaving current girlfriend Karli to roam around not knowing anyone), it's hard to have sympathy for Karli, who would have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to realize what a cheating bastard he really is. Another minus is having a psychotic killer with the common name Ron. I mean, really, Ron? Hardly the iconic moniker for a mass murderer, is it? While there is plenty of blood and gore on view (including death by outboard motor, impalement by crowbar and having a beer can thrust through one guy's forehead), it's so cheaply done (either by using obvious CGI or throwing blood from off-screen onto the actors), it's ineffective. Toss-in a cliché-ridden script where everyone does the stupidest things possible at the most inopportune times (When two cops show up at Shannon's house to see if everything is OK, she doesn't believe they are cops and asks for their badge numbers, like she would know the difference!)  and what you end up with is an instantly forgettable horror flick that's a total waste of your time. I still cannot believe that these crazy Canadians still fund films like this using their tax credits. If they tried to make this film in the States using my tax dollars, I can assure you that the nightmare wouldn't be the sleepover kind! Useless Bit Of Trivia: Will Millar is the former lead singer of The Irish Rovers (best known for their 1967 smash single "The Unicorn") and this film used his house for most of the interiors and exteriors. Also starring Ace Hicks, Ashleigh Harrington, Jonas Shandel, Graham Wright and Jolene White. Don't be surprised if you hear many of them ask you "Do you want fries with that?" the next time you order a meal at McDonalds. A Velocity Home Entertainment VHS & DVD Release. Rated R.

SLUGS: THE MOVIE (1987) - Leave it to Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon (PIECES - 1982; EXTRA TERRESTRIAL VISITORS - 1983) to turn one of the slowest creatures on God's green earth into bloodthirsty, flesh hungry creatures and actually making it a creepy (if slightly overwrought) experience (not to mention this film's obsession with local government politics and basically nailing it to a tee!). Years ago in the fictional town of Ashton (actually filmed in Lyons, New York), some unscrupulous companies dumped toxic waste into the ground, causing the slugs over the years to mutate and become hungry for everything they come in contact with (in the film's opening minutes, the little slimeballs snack on a teenage fisherman and a drunk about to be evicted from his home). County health inspector Mike Brady (Michael Garfield) and Sheriff Reese (John Battaglia) drive to the drunk's house to evict him, only to discover his corpse has been picked clean. Mike does a cursory investigation of the house and finds hundreds of slime trails leading to the basement, but no sign of the critters that caused them. Mike and his best friend, county sewer engineer Don Palmer (Philip MacHale), investigate a claim by a belligerent constituent that her sewer smells awful (they all do, lady!). Don goes down into the sewer in full haz-mat getup to clear the line (where he discovers human skin and a huge cow tongue in the clog), but when something grabs his clearing bar and drags it deeper into the pipe, Don makes a hasty retreat topside. Meanwhile, Mike's wife, Kim (Kim Terry), a teacher at the local high school, must contend with the snootiest students this side of THE BLACKBOARD JUNGLE (1955). Not only do they call Kim "witch bitch", they plan on throwing a Halloween party that none of the adults know about, complete with booze, drugs and, of course, sex (one mullet-headed female teen blames the drunk's death on the "Goat Killer", the town's mythical serial killer). As the slugs begin killing the townspeople in various bloody ways (including a gardener who chops-off his own hand with a hatchet when some slugs crawl into his glove and he then accidentally blows-up his greenhouse, killing himself and his wife), Mike notices a huge slug in Kim's garden and tries to pick it up, but it bites him (it's funny and frightening at the same time). Mike and Kim bring a few huge slugs to Professor John Foley (Santiago Alvarez), who seems quite surprised at their size (Later on, a slug gets loose in his lab and kills his caged rat. Believe me when I say that you haven't lived until you've seen a rat giving a slug a piggyback ride!). Alcoholic housewife Maureen Watson (Alicia Moro; EDGE OF THE AXE - 1987) serves a salad with some chopped-up slugs to her husband David (Emilio Linder; MONSTER DOG - 1985), who complains that the salad tastes "too salty" and, later on, he suffers a most unfortunate fate (he begins to bleed out of every orifice in his body at a restaurant, with baby slugs bursting out of his eye sockets!). In the film's standout sequence, teenagers Bobby Talbot (Kris Mann) and Donna Moss (Kari Rose) are eaten alive by a bedroom full of slugs as they are completely naked and making love. Since Mike can't convince the thick-headed Sheriff Reese that slugs are responsible (The Sheriff retorts, "What'll be next, demented crickets? Rampaging mosquitoes, maybe?"), he and Don decide to eliminate the slugs the only way they know how: Salt. Lots and lots of salt. Not really. It's actually some newfangled chemical Professor Foley has created that makes the slugs explode on contact, but I would have used the Road Dept.'s salt supply, because they end up blowing-up half of the town!  Only Juan Piquer Simon (ENDLESS DESCENT - 1989; CTHULHU MANSION - 1990) could take a storyline so ridiculous (screenplay by Ron Gantman, based on Shaun Hutson's novel "Slugs") and make it so bloody entertaining. Not only is the dialogue a hoot (When Mike learns that the gardener and his wife were killed in a greenhouse explosion, all he has to say is, "They were very nice people. I liked them a lot!" Or this bit of hilarity when Mike tries to get the Water Dept. head, Frank Phillips [cameo by Frank Brana, who has appeared in nearly every film Simon has made] to turn off the water to the town: Frank: "You ain't got the authority to declare Happy Birthday!"), but the gore and nudity goes way past the film's R-rating (Someone at the MPAA was sleeping when this was screened). Not only are there both male and female genitalia on view, director Simon has a predilection for popping victims' eyeballs out when the slugs attack. When the "Goat Killer" is revealed to be an actual serial killer (he stalks the teens' outdoor Halloween party, where nobody wears a costume except him!), I just gave up trying to make sense of the story (and the utterly stupid things some of the people do and say) and went along for the ride (The "Goat Killer" sequence is immediately dropped when the girl he is trying to rape and kill falls down a sewer drain and is eaten by the slugs!). The practical makeup effects are appropriately gooey and gory and the slugs themselves (many of them real) are slimy and menacing. We're not talking rocket science here; SLUGS (with a video-generated "THE MOVIE" following it, just so we don't get it confused with SLUGS: THE CARNIVAL RIDE) is just a good, old-fashioned 50's monster film with 80's gore sensibilities. Also starring Concha Cuetos, Manuel De Blas, Andy Alsup, Stan Schwartz and a cameo by Patty Shepard (REST IN PIECES - 1987). It's quite apparent that all the non-Spanish actors here were local New York talent, as most of them have never appeared in another film. Originally released on VHS by New World Video, followed by a budget VHS release by Starmaker Entertainment and then a widescreen DVD release by Anchor Bay Entertainment. Rated R.

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE III (1990) - Yes, it's time once again for a bunch of nubile young bimbos to hold a slumber party and then get slaughtered by someone wielding an oversized electric drill (among other weapons) in this third and final, yet unrelated, film in the series (it was filmed under the title STAB IN THE DARK before uncredited Executive Producer Roger Corman changed the name to make it more marketable). Jackie Cassidy (Keely Christian) is hosting a slumber party at her home, where five girls come over, put on lingerie and talk about sex and boys. Little do they know that some (as yet) unknown person dressed in a black hooded sweatshirt and white mask is watching their every move. The party is invaded by three local boys who scare the shit out of the girls. The girls chase them out of the house and when one of the guys, Michael (Garon Grigsby), comes back to apologize, he is promptly impaled in the stomach with a For Sale sign by the killer. The next to die is the pizza delivery girl, who, after delivering the pizza to the girls, is chased down the middle of the street by the killer and run-through with the drill. The list of suspects is plentiful: Could it be the weirdo (Yan Birch) who picked up Jackie's address book while they were playing volleyball on the beach earlier in the day? Or how about Ken (Brittain Frye), a jock from another school who has his eye on Juliette (Lulu Wilson)? There's also nerdy Duncan (David Greenlee), who desperately wants to be part of the gang. Let's not forget about Morgan (M.K. Harris), a prospective boarder for a spare bedroom for rent in Jackie's house. Finally, there's Frank (David Lawrence), Jackie's new boyfriend who has a troubled past. When Juliette is electrocuted while taking a shower by the killer (He throws an electric vibrator into the water!) and everyone else discovers her body, we discover who the killer is (I won't spoil it for you) and his reasons for the killings. Jackie and her scantily clad friends must fight off the driller killer, who has them all trapped in the house. In the finale, Jackie manages to defeat the killer with his own weapon, after other members of the party (most of them end up dead) shoot him in the leg with a spear gun, blind him with bleach and bean him over the head with a polo mallet.  Leave it to Roger Corman. He always finds a way to bypass the screams of "Misogyny!" by feminists and Christian fundamentalists. As with the other SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE films, he has hired a female director (Sally Mattison, who also wrote and performs two songs on the soundtrack) and screenwriter (Catherine Cyran, who also produced), as if to give a big middle finger to all those who think only men can make a film full of female nudity and gory violence (and, really, what is the drill if nothing but a symbolic extension of the killer's penis?). This film is much less jokey than SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II (1987), where the killer had a drill attached to an electric guitar. This is more straight-ahead horror which gets to the killings rather quickly. To add confusion to the mix, there are three different edits of Part III: In 1990, New Horizons Home Video issued an R-rated 75 minute cut (the same as the theatrical release) and an 80 minute Unrated Edition that greatly expands the gore scenes (much more bloody drilling, slashing and an extended version of the chainsaw fight between Tom [David Kriegel] and Ken, as well as much more bloody footage of Jackie's revenge on the killer in the finale). Then, in 2000, New Horizons issued an 87-minute R-rated edition on VHS and DVD that contains all of the bloody footage that's in the Unrated Edition, plus seven minutes of dialogue scenes that Corman originally had edited out to pick up the film's pacing (a practice that Corman utilized frequently). This is the version to get your hands on if you must see this film (which isn't bad, just common), but it is long OOP and goes for big bucks on the collectors' circuit. Jeremy Stanford (WATCHERS III - 1994) was Second Unit Director here. Also starring Hope Marie Carlton, Maria Ford, Brandi Burkett, Marie Claire, Devon Jenkin, Wayne Gracie and Alexander Falk. A New Horizons Home Video Release. Rated R or Unrated versions available.

SNAKES ON A TRAIN (2006) - Yes, this is another of The Asylum's shameless rip-offs (they prefer you call them "mockbusters", but c'mon, rip-off is a much better word). If I have to tell you which film this is a cheap knock-off of, stop reading now, call-up some friends, have them come over and let them repeatedly kick you in the head. Back to the film: Two illegal Mexican aliens, Brujo (Alby Castro) and the sickly Alma (Julia Ruiz), cross the American border in hopes of finding a better life and a cure for Alma's sickness in Los Angeles. What Alma suffers from, though, is like no sickness you've ever seen, as she and Brujo have to stop often so she can puke up some green liquid, followed by snakes (!), which Brujo collects in mason jars in his backpack (I usually save all my puke, too, and show it to my friends later on.). Alma pukes out a snake that Brujo fails to capture and it bites their Coyote guide, killing him instantly. Brujo and Alma sneak into the baggage car of a train headed for Los Angeles, where a bunch of other illegals are also hiding out, including Alma's friend Miguel (Giovanni Bejarano). We are then introduced to the train's paying customers, as conductor Frank (Stephen A.F. Day), punches their tickets. It's an anemic passenger list (appropriate with The Asylum's meager budget) that includes two models, Crystal (Amelia Jackson-Gray) and Summer (Shannon Gale); a trio of pot-smoking surfer dudes; a husband, wife and their young daughter; a businessman; a mysterious Middle eastern guy; and a dude in a cowboy hat who jumps on the train just as it leaves the station. Alma's mysterious ailment gets worse (The race is on as to see whether Brujo can get her to Los Angeles in time, as his Uncle there has a cure), but when Brujo gets into a fight with some wetbacks, the snakes in his mason jars are released. Not only are the bites from the snakes deadly, they are also hungry and growing larger by the minute. Brujo thinks he has recaptured all the snakes, but he should tell that to the paying customers, as a few hungry ones have made their way to the passenger cars. Personal dramas mix with snake attack scenes, as we find out that Crystal and Summer are drug mules and cowboy hat dude is a dirty ex-cop following them. The Middle Eastern guy is actually the girls' connection, the snakes begin killing more passengers and Alma transforms into one big-assed snake, which forces all the survivors to disembark in a hurry before she swallows the entire train! Someone get this motherfucking snake off this motherfucking train!  As with most of these Asylum flicks, there are long stretches of dialogue that seem to go on forever. Unlike most of these Asylum flicks, there are actually some effective scenes, especially the snake attack scenes. Director Peter Mervis (credited here as "The Mallachi Brothers"), who also made DEAD MEN WALKING (2005) and WHEN A KILLER CALLS (2006) for The Asylum, and screenwriter Eric Forsberg (who also wrote and directed ALIEN ABDUCTION [2005] and NIGHT OF THE DEAD [2006] for The Asylum) have fashioned a film steeped in Mexican folklore ("Brujo" is Spanish for "witch") and while it's not completely successful, at least it's different enough from the usual Asylum dreck. The snake attack scenes are gory, as they don't just bite, they burrow under the skin and lay babies (At one point, Brujo rips a guy's heart out with his bare hands and a snake is seen slithering between the exposed valves). There's an awful lot of puking in this film, so if scenes of people retching get your gag reflexes into overdrive, this may not be the film for you. Surprisingly there is very little CGI utilized until the ridiculous finale (where Alma turns into a giant snake and swallows the entire train!), as most of the snake attacks are done with real snakes or practical effects (some very well-done and squirm inducing, especially the little girl being swallowed whole by a huge snake). I'm not saying that this is a good film by any means, but it's a step-up from your usual Asylum production. Biggest blooper: The make and model of the train changes constantly throughout the film. Also starring Isaac Wade, Al Galvez, Madeleine Falk, Derek Osedach, Jason S. Gray, Jay Costelo and Sean Durrie. An Asylum Home Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.

SNUFF (1971/1976) - A group of female bikers chase down one of their own when she holds out on some cocaine (which she snorts through an extremely large straw). They shoot and wound her, then put her feet in stocks. Their Manson-like leader, with the improbable name "Satan" (Enrique Larratelli), orders one of the girls to take a knife and slice her between her toes, which she does. Meanwhile, a girl (disguised as a man), stabs a man in the back, then slits his throat in the mens room of an airport in Buenos Aires, Argentina where movie star Terry London (Mirtha Massa) and her overbearing manager Max Marsh (Aldo Mayo) are arriving so Terry can star in a new movie being filmed there. Terry (who is pregnant) ditches Max and phones new rich boyfriend Horst (Clao Villanueva) to come visit. Satan has a plan to get rid of Max Marsh and get Terry's baby so it can be sacrificed in one of his satanic rituals. Why? I haven't got the foggiest idea. Max and Terry go to Mardi Gras (cue the stock footage) and then a costume ball (more stock footage, please!) where Horst whisks Terri away for some hot sex while Max is viciously stabbed in the heart by one of Satan's girls. Terry is interrogated by the police about Max's death (in one of the shoddiest police sets of all times) and is released in Horst's care. Satan's girls rob a store where they kill the owner, his wife, son and young daughter. The girls, on Satan's orders, invade the house of Horst's father, where they stab or shoot everyone (they may even slice off Horst's manhood, but that's open for debate) and when they get to Terry (who is sleeping with Horst's father!), one of the girls plunges a knife into her pregnant belly. That's when we learn that this was all a film, as the director yells "Cut!" and we then see the actress that played Terry being sliced and sawed apart by her boyfriend in a "real" snuff film, the last shot being her boyfriend holding her intestines in the air and screaming with excitement before the camera runs out of film (but, strangely, not sound).  This infamous film, noted for it's violent (but extremely fake) final five minutes, is really quite awful. The majority of the movie is actually a 1971 film called THE SLAUGHTER, a Charles Manson-inspired film about kidnapping and murder directed by Michael and Roberta Findlay (SCREAM OF THE MUTILATED - 1974). This part of the movie, filmed in and around Buenos Aires, is a boring mess that contains terrible post-synch dubbing (not only does Roberta Findlay appear as one of Satan's girls, her unmistakable Brooklyn accent is also on the dub track), some cheap gore effects (where the blood is that bright red early-70's color) and countless scenes of naked women with very small breasts (this was before the augmentation age). The final five minutes are what give this film it's notoriety. Film huckster Allan Shackleton bought THE SLAUGHTER from the Findlays (after an unsuccessful theatrical run), hired Simon Nuchtern (SILENT MADNESS - 1984) to direct the finale which purportedly shows the actress who played Terry being slowly killed in an actual snuff film (nevermind that the woman that plays Terry in this sequence looks nothing like actress Mirtha Massa). It's apparent after viewing it that it's fake beyond belief, but Shackleton made sure that word got out that it was real before it was released, which caused a firestorm of protests from various watchdog groups and plenty of attention from the news media, which gave it great success at the boxoffice. This is one of the greatest examples of successful false advertising in the history of film. Forget that the film is basically a dog. Enjoy it for it's history and novelty factor. I did. Blue Underground had a novel way for releasing SNUFF on DVD. The sleeve is nothing but a facsimile of plain brown wrapping paper where there's nothing but the title and the film's original theatrical tag line: "The film that could only be made in South America...where life is CHEAP!" Nothing else, not even a Blue Underground logo. The DVD itself is even simpler: Just a fullscreen print (probably it's original aspect ratio) with no extras and no chapter stops. As soon as you put the disc in your DVD player, the film begins and when it ends, it starts all over again. A gutsy move on BU's part because it could be considered cheap by those not in on the gag. The film is also devoid of any credits except the title, the same way I remember seeing it in theaters in the mid-70's. This is the film that made the term "snuff film" a part of our vocabulary. The FBI still insists that snuff films don't exist. In today's video age, I have my doubts. A Blue Underground Release. Not Rated. Originally Rated X when released to theaters.

SOCIETY (1989) - Billy (Billy Warlock) is having family problems. He tells his psychiatrist (Ben Slack) that his rich,  well-to-do parents favor his sister Jenny (Patrice Jennings), even though he is about to become student body president of his high school class as well as being the school's star basketball player. Jenny is about to have a coming-out party and her ex-boyfriend David (Tim Bartell), an electronics wizard, suspects something is also wrong with the family. He puts a bug in Jenny's earring and records a disturbing conversation between Jenny and her parents. It seems her coming-out party involves sex with males and females, including her parents. The tape also suggests that the term "coming-out" may have more than one meaning. David plays the tape to Billy, who listens to it with disgust. Billy takes the tape and gives it to his psychiatrist, saying that it will prove that something is wrong with his family. The next day, when he goes back to the shrink's office, the tape contains only innocent dialog. David dies (?) in a car accident, with all copies of the tape missing. Any aquaintances of Billy's who are willing to help him also turn up dead, and half the town keep saying to him that he will make a "wonderful contribution to society." Billy is drugged by the psychiatrist (with his parents blessings) but escapes the hospital where he was taken. He decides to have a showdown with his family. Little does he realize that this was all an elaborate plan. His whole life has been bred for this moment. He is about to become dinner for The Society, a race of shape-shifting beings that have been on Earth as long as humans have. Will Billy survive? The real star of this film are the surrealist effects of Screaming Mad George. His creations are a marvel to behold (as well as being extremely gooey). I don't want to spoil anything for you, but the shunting scene has to be seen to be believed. You will also see a man's head appear through the crack of his ass (he's called Butthead), along with the sight of a man being pulled inside out. Fantastic stuff! Director Brian Yuzna also made BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR (1989) and SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT IV: THE INITIATION (1990), both utilizing the talents of George, as well as THE DENTIST 1 & 2 (1996 & 1998), PROGENY (1998) and FAUST: LOVE OF THE DAMNED (2000) . He also directed parts of NECRONOMICON: BOOK OF THE DEAD (1993). SOCIETY may not be to everyone's taste, but for the adventurous, it will be rewarding. The abrupt ending is a letdown, though. A Republic Pictures Home Video Release. Also available as a double feature DVD from Anchor Bay, with the film SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. Rated R.

SODOMA'S GHOST (1988) - Six really obnoxious Americans, in their haste to make it to Paris before nightfall (the Range Rover they are in is in less than stellar condition), make a wrong turn on some backwoods road and end up at an abandoned house where, years before, Nazis would hold decadent, drug-fueled orgies just before the end of World War II. When they enter the house, the Americans find the inside of the house in extremely good condition, with fresh fruit and food lining banquet tables and a 78 rpm record playing on a Victrola, as if someone were ready to have a party (or maybe an orgy?). The stupid Americans help themselves to the food and well-stocked wine cellar and then decide to spend the night. Have these idiots lived in a cave all their lives? Don't they know what happens to people who spend the night in strange houses? That night, they are visited by the ghosts of the house, including sadistic Willy the Nazi (Robert Egon), who knows all the Americans' innermost desires and fears and uses them to feed his lust. When the Americans try to leave the next morning, they find that all roads lead to the same destination: Right back to the house. Their car finally breaks down and they are forced to stay in the house until help arrives. They use the phone in the house to call for help, but it seems the only number that works is to the local cemetery. It's not long before they are all trapped in the house, as all the windows and doors becomes locked by some supernatural force. Rather than working together to find a way out, they turn on each other, freak out or get drunk, which is the perfect opportunity for Willy to play mind games with each one. He uses such tricks as Russian Roulette, a lesbian Nazi succubus (Zora Kerova) and rape to turn the friends on each other, which results in murder. A canister containing a roll of 16mm film holds the clues as to why this is all happening and the house tries to stop the remaining Americans from viewing it. When they do view it, they suddenly wake up in a cemetery and everyone is alive, the house nothing but a foundation with crumbling walls. They all hop in their car and leave. The End. What the fuck?!?  This totally predictable and minor horror film is one of famed director Lucio Fulci's (LIZARD IN A WOMAN'S SKIN - 1971; ZOMBIE - 1979; MURDER ROCK - 1984) lesser latter-day horror films. While Fulci fills the film with female nudity, the horror elements are hackneyed and uninteresting. What I find most insulting, though, is that Fulci chose to make the victims a bunch of aggravating Americans. It's obvious that most of them are portrayed by Italians, so I can only come up with two conclusions why Fulci made them Americans: The first reason is Americans make the film more likely to be purchased for release in English-speaking territories, but this never got a legal U.S. release on home video. The second reason (and the one I believe to be true) is that Fulci just wanted to make the victims Americans because, in his mind, they are the logical choice to be tortured by the Nazis. For a Fulci flick, the gore is rather sparse (just a pretty gross rapidly-decaying body and a shot of a woman's breasts turning to goo when touched) and, in the orgy scenes, the men keep their pants on when screwing the women. The only scene that generates any suspense is when Willy plays a game of Russian Roulette with Mark (Claudio Aliotti), but even then there's no final payoff. It ends without a single shot being fired. It's also obvious that the screenplay, by Fulci and Carlo Alberto Alfieri, lacked a tangible ending, so they resorted to the tired "it was all a dream" finale. Do yourself a favor and avoid this at all costs because it's apparent Fulci made this without his patented mean streak. His heart definitely wasn't in it. Fulci would use clips from this film in his 1990 horror film A CAT IN THE BRAIN (a.k.a. NIGHTMARE CONCERT), which is much more effective than this. Also known as THE GHOSTS OF SODOM (original title: IL FANTASMA DI SODOMA, which is the title used on the print available on the no-frills DVD from British label EC Entertainment). Also starring Maria Concetta Salieri, Luciana Ottaviana, Teresa Razzaudi, Sebastian Harrison and Alan Johnson. There is also a U.S. DVD available, but since it was released by pirate label Televista, it's best not to speak further about it. Not Rated.

SOLE SURVIVOR (1982) - Denise Watson (Anita Skinner), a television commercial director, is the sole survivor of a plane crash. She escapes the crash unscathed much to the surprise of her hospital doctor, Brian (Kurt Johnson), who soon becomes her boyfriend. Death refuses to let her go as she is visited repeatedly by dead people with blank staring eyes (a real creepy effect) who try to cause her death, including a little soaking-wet girl who tries to crush her with a truck (We later find out that the little girl was in the hospital morgue and disappeared for a short time.). Karla Davis (Caren Larkey), an actress who is starring in Denise's coffee commercial, is psychic and warns Denise that she is in mortal danger. Brian attributes all of Denise's troubles to "survivor's syndrome", an affliction which causes the survivor of any major disaster to feel guilty about being alive. He suggests she go see a psychiatrist. Denise doesn't need a shrink, she needs a miracle if she is going to stay alive. Real trouble begins to happen when one of Denise's friends, Kristy (Robin Davidson), is drowned in her swimming pool by some unknown person (It turns out to have been done by a man that has been dead for at least two days.). The cops think Denise is crazy because she is taking anti-depressants and was drinking at the time of the attack. Brian begins to believe Denise as he investigates and finds that the corpses have all died standing up! Much more is about to happen to Denise and none of it is good, especially when Kristy begins walking around carrying a butcher knife, kills a lecherous cabbie and decides to pay Denise a visit. This is kind of a cross between CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1962) and the much-later FINAL DESTINATION (2000). It's a spooky concoction that doesn't skimp on the scares. Director Thom Eberhardt (who also made the cult comedy/horror film NIGHT OF THE COMET [1984] and the comedy/mystery WITHOUT A CLUE [1988]) leaves no room for comedy here (except for a small strip poker bit) and gives us one humdinger of an ending. This has bits of gore (including a person torn in half at the plane crash) and nudity, but strangely didn't need it because the story (also by Eberhardt) is engrossing without being gross. I loved this film and you should too. Not to be confused with the 1970 TV-Movie with the same name. A Vestron Video Release. Rated R.

SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE (1986) - Minor slasher film that's a lesser variation of SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (1982), yet both films are intricately linked (both were financed by Roger Corman [who is the uncredited Executive Producer here] and directed and written by women). After a pretty creepy and atmospheric first ten minutes, this film quickly degenerates into standard stalk 'n' slash material. Beth (Angela O'Neill; ENEMY UNSEEN - 1989), who is mourning the death of the aunt who raised her, decides to spend time with some female friends at their sorority house to help her overcome her grief. From the moment she steps through the door of the sorority house, Beth is overwhelmed with the feeling that she has been there before, apparently when she was a young girl, but she has no memory of her childhood years due to a traumatic event that she has blocked from her memory. She also begins to have a psychic link with Bobby (John C. Russell), a psychopath in an insane asylum who hasn't spoken a word since he was committed. Until now. He says one single word, "Laura", kills an orderly and escapes from the asylum. The first thing Bobby does is go to a sporting goods store, grabs a knife, stabs the clerk in the stomach, steals a car and heads to the sorority house. Beth begins having visions of people being killed in the house, but as we will soon find out, they're not visions at all. They're repressed memories from her childhood. Of course, most of the sorority sisters leave the house for Spring Break, leaving Beth and a handful of girls, along with some horny guys who come over for a night of sex and scary stories, to fend for themselves when Bobby shows up and begins killing them one-by-one. Under hypnosis (performed by one of the sorority sisters, who has taken a psychology class and therefore is an expert at the practice!), we find out that Bobby is actually Beth's brother (no surprise there, as it's telegraphed early on) who murdered his three other young sisters in the house years before. Beth or, rather Laura (Beth is her middle name), escaped the slaughter before Bobby could do her in, too. All her repressed memories come back to Beth like a flash flood and after Bobby kills everyone else in the house, Beth and Bobby face-off in a knife duel to the death. A CARRIE-inspired shock ending follows.  The first thing you'll notice about this film is that even though it's directed and written by a woman, it's still full of female nudity and bloody violence. This only proves how crafty Roger Coman is as a producer. Feminists couldn't possibly complain about a slasher film being misogynistic when it was directed by a woman, could they? Director/scripter Carol Frank, who worked as an assistant to director Amy Jones on SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (and never made another film after this), opens the film on a fairly creepy note, with slow-motion tracking shots of the camera gliding through various empty rooms of the sorority house, while Beth has a nightmare of three young girls warning her not to go into the house, ending with Beth walking into the dining room where three creepy dolls are sitting around a table. Unfortunately, the film pretty much goes steadily downhill from there, dissolving into tiresome dialogue scenes of dream interpretation, hypnosis and generic slasher material, where director Frank clearly represents Bobby's constant need to stab things as a metaphor for his pent-up sexual desires. Bobby's motivation for killing his sisters is never overtly revealed, which also diminishes the scare factor. There are a few bloody stabbings, but since all of the deaths are by stabbing, there's no variety to the killings. A good slasher knows when to change-up on the weapons he uses. Like SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE, this film spawned two sequels (the third one, directed by Jim Wynorski, titled HARD TO DIE [1990] is probably the best in the series) and SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE II (1990) is padded-out with scenes from the first SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE film, further cementing the relationship between the two series, even if that connection is nothing but Corman's propensity to re-use footage as a cost-cutting measure (In other words, he's cheap). At 74 minutes long (there's rumors of an 86 minute British edit, but I don't recall if anyone has actually seen it), SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE is an OK, if routine, slasher film for fans of the genre. If it managed to maintain the intensity of it's first ten minutes, it would have been a classic. Also starring Wendy Martel, Pamela Ross, Nicole Rio, Marcus Vaughter, Vinnie Bilancio, Joe Nassi and Robert Axelrod (REPO JAKE - 1990; here using the name "Axel Roberts") as insane asylum orderly Larry. Originally released on VHS by Warner Home Video and later released on VHS & DVD by New Horizons Home Video. Rated R.

SPASMS (1982) - This one had promise but, in the end, it turns up craps. Hunter Oliver Reed hires a group of mercenaries to capture a monster snake on an unnamed island, where years before the snake killed his brother and bit him, giving him a pyschic sense to see through the serpent's eyes. The snake is captured and brought back to the States, where Reed hires scientist Peter Fonda to find out why the snake and him have a psychic link. Of course the snake escapes, thanks to Reed's neice (Kerrie Keene), and it attacks everyone who gets in it's way. The serpent's bite causes the inflicted to swell up and burst, causing gory agony before death. There's also a subplot about a cult of snake-worshippers who try and steal the serpent for their own means. Unfortunately, none of this goes anywhere as the production ran out of money before they could film the finale and the movie is stuffed with too many POV shots and scenes are repeated over and over to pad out the running time. The finale is so sudden, that it makes the bulk of the film seem moot. There are a few positives: The late Al Waxman's death in a van is juicy (thanks to makeup artist extrodinairre Dick Smith), the snake attack scene while a girl is taking a shower is suspenseful and some scenes do build up tension. There's also a song by Tangerine Dream made expressly for this film. But the negatives outweigh the positives. When we finally do get a look at the serpent, it's laughable, looking like a relative of REPTILICUS. Peter Fonda phones in his performance here; he's probably only in this for some quick blow money. And don't get me started on the ending: It's so disjointed and confusing, that I left deep gouges on the top of my head from scratching it. There are enough loose threads here to knit a sweater. Director William Fruet also made HOUSE BY THE LAKE (aka DEATH WEEKEND - 1976), FUNERAL HOME (1980), KILLER PARTY (1986) and the extremely weird (and mistitled) BLUE MONKEY (1987) as well as directing many genre TV series up to this day. A Thorn EMI Home Video Release. SPASMS is also known as DEATH BITE. Rated R.

SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS (1977) - WARNING: Gratuitous slo-motion shots of a fat kid running dead ahead! When said kid and his frisbee-loving friend find a skinned dog lying by a riverbed, it starts a chain of events which leads journalism teacher Wayne Connors (Alan Blanchard) to believe a creature may be responsible. When a bickering couple are savagely slaughtered in their home, Connors goes to the house and finds evidence to back up his claims. Unable to get the authorities to believe him, even after getting scientific proof from his scientist friend Dr. John (J.C. Claire), Connors goes off on his own and tries to destroy the creature. It seems the creature was created by a scientist (who is now horribly scarred about the face) at an oil company who was experimenting with radioactive mud, called Slithis, and the creature was a byproduct of those experiments. The creature starts turning up at an alarming rate and is first spotted by a bum ("Did you crap your pants again?" "Nah, I just farted!") who is camped out by the river with his friend. The police don't believe the bum's story, but Connors does, as more people and animals turn up dead. To get the proof he needs, Connors hires a diver to collect soil samples in the lake near a nuclear power plant. Connors and his friends devise a plan to trap the creature (using JAWS-inspired tactics) and hopefully rid the world of this flesh-hungry menace. As with most late 70's horror films, be prepared for a stinger in the finale. This is one of the last PG-rated monster flicks that was released during the 70's just before everything turned to blood and R-rated gore. While there are brief flashes of blood and gore on view here (it doesn't linger on it for more than a second), this film (also known simply as SLITHIS and NUCLEAR MONSTER) seems more inclined to dwell on the personal rather than the more horrific elements. Director/producer/writer Stephen Traxler (who also produced DRACULA'S WIDOW -1989; and was production manager on  INVASION U.S.A. - 1985) would rather point out the plight of the homeless and the nuclear power controversy (a major subject during the 70's) and the effects that they both had on society. The creature, in other words, was a product of our ignorance and inability to control what we try to harness. Along the way, we witness the 70's phenomenons known as turtle racing, swingers, disco music and funky fashions (Did I really dress like that? I like to believe I didn't.) The creature, when fully seen, is a pretty formidable sight, but doesn't carry much screen time during the first sixty minutes. Still, this is not a film for the kiddies, as Traxler fills the screen with plenty of adult material, especially during the final 30 minutes, such as the scene where the creature seems to rape a woman on a boat (with surprising nudity). While talky in spots and unevenly acted, SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS is OK viewing for those who wish to be whisked-back several decades when a PG rating didn't automatically mean you were watching a dumbed-down kid's film.  Also starring Hy Pike (HACK-O-LANTERN - 1987) as the worst acting Chief of Police ever committed to the screen, Dennis Lee Falt, Mello Alexandria, Rocky Fumarelli and Win Condict as the creature. A Media Home Entertainment VHS Release. Not yet legally available on DVD in the U.S. although some gray-market sellers do offer it on DVD-R. Rated PG.

SPECTRE (1996) - Another one of Executive Producer Roger Corman's haunted house thrillers that he made in Ireland during the 90's (KNOCKING ON DEATH'S DOOR [1998] and THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE [1999] are two others). Will South (Greg Evigan; DEEPSTAR SIX - 1989), wife Maura (Alexandra Paul; PREY OF THE CHAMELEON - 1991) and young daughter Ashley (portrayed by Evigan's real-life daughter Briana Evigan) move to Ireland when one of Maura's relatives dies and she inherits a huge mansion called Glen Abbey Manor. Will and Maura's marriage is strained due to Will having an affair back in the States, so they look at this move as a first step in repairing their relationship. What they don't know is that this house comes with a lot of supernatural baggage (In the beginning of the film, we witness a maid being attacked by rats and then killed when her car mysteriously blows up when she tries to escape the house). Almost immediately after the Souths move in, strange things begin to happen. Aubrey is drawn to one of the many bedrooms and finds a doll (which she calls Colleen) that talks to her. Will's videotape footage of their move is distorted and shows a mysterious aura surrounding Aubrey. Maura's nerves are shaken when something keeps moving the furniture in the blink of an eye. When Will and Maura are awakened by Aubrey's screams and discover a semi-transparent demon looming over Aubrey's bed, they hire parapsychologist Dr. Edward Shea (Dick Donaghue) and his assistant Amy Wolfe (Mary Kate Ryan) to come to the house and find out just what in the hell is going on. Dr. Shea discovers that a young girl named Colleen was murdered in the house and when a possessed Aubrey leads them to her body, which was hidden behind a brick wall in the basement, they give Colleen's body a proper burial in the town cemetery and believe their haunting problems are now over. Far from it. At dinner that night, all hell breaks loose. The turkey dinner takes on a life of it's own, Dr. Shea is decapitated when he runs outside and Aubrey ends up missing. Father Seamus (Eamon Draper) explains to Will and Maura the history of the house. The house is possessed by an evil force and has taken Aubrey to replace Colleen. Their only hope of getting her back is to perform an ancient religious ceremony and return an amulet to it's proper place that Will removed when they moved in. They manage to get their daughter back, but their problems are far from over. The evil now possesses Maura and it uses Maura's fears of Will's continued cheating to make her believe that Will is having an affair with Amy, which drives a wedge into an already unstable marriage. Will must find a way to snap Maura out of the supernatural hold she is under before she kills Aubrey or herself. A dead Father Seamus leaves Will the tools he needs to get the job done back at his church, but can Will make it back to the house in time?  While nothing but a low-budget rip-off of POLTERGEIST with a little bit of THE HAUNTING thrown in for good measure, SPECTRE (also known as HOUSE OF THE DAMNED) is a lot bloodier than the Tobe Hooper frightfest and even tosses in a lot of female nudity and a couple of good scares. Even though it's apparent that this was made for very little money, director Scott Levy (UNKNOWN ORIGIN - 1995; PIRANHA - 1995) manages to generate some truly suspenseful scenes and bloody set-pieces, including the opening scene of the maid perishing in her car; the dinner where the turkey being served becomes the aggressor; and the sequence where they find Colleen's body. The film does fall apart in the final third (the house fire that closes the film is as cheap and fake-looking as you'll ever see) and Brendan Broderick's screenplay does depend too much on haunted house clichés (disembodied moaning; objects flying through the air and crashing against the wall), but the beautiful Ireland location photography, nudity and bloodletting makes for a mildly diverting 83 minutes of supernatural thrills. The cast does well with what they're given to do and first-timer Briana Evigan is surprisingly good as a child under constant danger. She may have gotten the role because she was Greg Evigan's daughter, but she acquits herself nicely. Also starring Columba Heneghan, Helena Walsh, Marie Stafford and Adife O'Grady as Colleen. Not to be confused with Gene Roddenberry's SPECTRE (1977), one of his many failed 70's TV pilots, which, nevertheless was an entertaining film starring Robert Culp and Gig Young as occult investigators. Available on VHS & DVD from New Horizons Home Video. Rated R.

SPIKER (2008) - Shot at various locations around Long Island, NY, this minor horror film, directed by and starring Frank Zagarino (CY WARRIOR: SPECIAL COMBAT UNIT - 1989), opens with notorious albino serial killer Adam Brandis (Zagarino), who is better known as "The Spiker" (for his penchant for dispatching his victims with railroad spikes), escaping after being transferred from prison (where he has spent the last twenty years) to a rehabilitation facility when a judge determines he can become a productive member of society. Won't these liberals ever learn? After jumping off the ferry transporting him to the hospital, Brandis disappears, much to the chagrin of Sheriff Paxton (Lou Martini Jr.), who was a rookie cop when Brandis slaughtered 27 citizens in the town he is now in charge of protecting. The Police Search and Rescue Squad determines that Brandis has drowned, but Sheriff Paxton (and the audience) knows better. Brandis walks out of the water and kills a man who is (conveniently) repairing a dock using railroad spikes, so the Spiker now has all the equipment he needs to go on another killing spree. He then walks the rails of a railroad track until he comes to an old deserted house from his past, which is now (conveniently) being used as Party Central by three teenage jocks and their cheerleading girlfriends (who don't bother changing out of their cheerleading outfits until they get to the house!). One of the girls, Nikki (Ginger Kroll), is (conveniently) the niece of Sheriff Paxton's deputy, Scott McLean (Mike Fedele). Another one of the girls, Lisa (Giselle Rodriguez), whose dead aunt, Elizabeth Shaw, (conveniently) use to live in the deserted house, seems to have some type of psychic link to the Spiker, especially after the third girl, goth chick Erin (Linda Johnson), holds a séance to contact Lisa's dead aunt. It seems that Elizabeth died the same day and year Lisa was born and, get this, it was also Elizabeth's wedding day (Would someone please stop all these convenient coincidences before my head falls off?). It's not long before Lisa is being visited by the ghost of her dead aunt (still dressed in her bridal gown) and the groundskeeper (Why would a deserted house need a groundskeeper?), a creepy guy named Clive Grendel (David 'Shark' Fralick), warns the horny teenagers to leave the house immediately. Do they listen? Of course not. As Lisa begins to slowly (and I do mean slowly) uncover the truth about the mysterious wedding day death of her aunt, Brandis goes into full Spiker mode, first killing Erin's boyfriend, Gary (Adam Shonkwiler), by planting a spike through his neck and another one through the back of his head until it protrudes out of his forehead and then turning his attention to Erin, throwing a spike into the back of her neck. The other four teens try to escape (conveniently, it's a dead zone for cell phone service), but the Spiker disables their truck by tossing Gary's severed head onto the engine. A long-dormant secret involving involving Elizabeth and Brandis may be the key to stopping Brandis from repeating a crime from the past, but the question remains: Who will survive before Deputy McLean and Sheriff Paxton arrive on the scene? It all ends on a rather depressing (and convenient) note that sets everything up for the inevitable sequel.  While it does have it's share of gory kills, SPIKER is nothing more than a crappy "teens in peril" horror flick that offers nothing new to the genre other than the killer's weapon of choice. Zagarino the actor wisely chooses to make is character a man of few words, so there's no jokey dialogue as he dispatches the cast and he does make for an imposing figure with his long white hair, red eyes and pale skin, but Zagarino the director (this is his third directorial effort, following the impossible-to-find FIST FIGHTER 2 [1993] and NEVER LOOK BACK [2000]) could have used better writing, as Richard Preston Jr.'s (DARK BREED - 1996) screenplay is mostly tired teen clichés wrapped around a mystery a five year-old could solve. The blood and gore flow rather freely during the final forty minutes, including spikes being driven and thrown in nearly every body part and a nasty death by axe, but the plot is so common, I can hardly recommend this to anyone but diehard slasher fanatics who must see every slasher film ever made. SPIKER technical qualities are very poor (although I did like how some of the local actors didn't try to disguise their Long Island accents and there's a pretty good CGI shot of Zagarino throwing a spike at Lisa in the finale) and there's nothing here that hasn't been done at least a thousand times before and a hundred times better. Originally filmed under the title BLOOD RAILS. Producer Michael J. Hein previously directed the low-budget shocker BIOHAZARDOUS (2001). Also starring Matt Jared, Josh Folan and Carson Grant. An MTI Home Video DVD Release. Rated R.

SPOOKIES (1985) - Here's a horror film that will have you scratching your head so much that, by the time it is finished, you'll need to go to the hospital to stop the bleeding. The fact that it took three people to direct it, four people to write it and four people to produce it, makes it all the more confounding. You would have thought one of these people would have said, Wait a minute! Is it just me or does none of this make any sense?" Here's what I have been able to decipher: A seemingly immortal old man with supernatural powers, who goes by the name Kreon (Felix Ward), summons a divergent group of people to his crumbling mansion with the express purpose of reanimating his long-dead love, Isabelle (Maria Pechukas). The group of people include four teenage punks, four button-down business types and thirteen year-old runaway Billy (Alec Nemser). After fooling around with an ouija board, one of the girls is possessed and turns into an old hag. Another guy is pulled underground in a graveyard and the rest are trapped in the mansion when the dead rise from the graveyard outside. Also making life difficult for the group is Kreon's servant (Dan Scott), a creature with a hook on one arm and a cat-like paw on the other (he purrs when around Kreon, who calls him "My Kitty"). Kitty savagely slashes Billy across the face and buries him alive. The group is attacked by farting Muck Men carrying pickaxes (they are eventually dissolved in wine), one girl is bitten by a small lizard creature (it looks like a GHOULIES reject), one girl is dissolved (via stop-motion animation) by a monster with an exposed heart, a statue of the Grim Reaper comes to life and slashes some people and a Chinese lady turns into a spider woman and sucks the life out of another guy. The film concludes with a reanimated Isabelle killing Kreon and then being chased by a bunch of zombies in a graveyard. She gets away, thanks to a good samaritan who picks her up in a car, only to find out that Kreon is not dead. Confused? Join the club.  If you need to know why the film seem so disjointed, it's because two different unfinished films were stitched together (Thomas Doran and Brendan Faulkner's TWISTED SOULS and Eugenie Joseph's GOBLIN) to form this abomination. The film is a total washout except for some good old-fashioned makeup effects. This is nothing more than a series of makeup effects set pieces, some good (the spider woman transformation; the final zombie attack) and some bad (the lizard creature; the fart monsters). The effects come courtesy of Arnold Gargiulo, Vincent Guastini, Gabe Bartalos and Jennifer Aspinal, all excellent artists, but one gets the impression that there wasn't a lot of prep time involved (the opticals are especially weak). Another clue that the film suffered a lot of post-production tinkering is Billy's story. The film opens with runaway Billy celebrating his thirteenth birthday alone. We get involved in his character only to have him buried alive a few minutes later and we never see him again. Here's another sign of trouble: It had twelve assistant editors. Even they couldn't salvage a story with the footage that they had because the finale makes absolutely no sense and it leaves the fate of three characters up in the air. Do yourself a favor and let this one pass you by. Too many cooks made a meal no one could ever eat. Also starring A.J. Lowenthal, Peter Dain, Nick Gionta, Lisa Friede, Peter Iasillo Jr. and Soo Paek as the Spider Woman. A Sony Video Software Company Release. Rated R.

SRIGALA (1981) - Here it is, folks: An Indonesian version of FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980). Since this film isn't dubbed or subtitled in English and my Indonesian is a little rusty, here's what I can make out: Three treasure hunters go to an abandoned camp in the woods (the sign reads "Siru Angsana") and use scuba gear to dive for submerged treasure in the adjoining lake. Their hunt is put in jeopardy when two women, Nina and Kristy, and their male friend, Bonno, decide to use the lake as a vacation getaway. When Nina nearly drowns while swimming in the lake, one of the treasure hunters (Berry "Barry" Prima) saves her and it's not long before a romance develops between them, which pisses off his stern boss. When Kristy hooks up with Johan, the othe young treasure hunter, their boss gets even more pissed off. What the six people really have to worry about, though, is the mysterious killer dressed in black (complete with black gloves and ski mask) who is watching their every move. The mystery killer disrupts the treasure hunters' next outing on the lake by trying to run them over in a power boat, even throwing dynamite into the water! Prima (his character's name in unpronouncable, so I'm just gonna call him "Prima") gives chase in his boat, which results in the mystery killer crashing the power boat into the jagged rocks on shore, the boat exploding into a fireball. The three treasure hunters recover a huge wooden crate from the lake and when they open it, all they find is a rotting human body, which they intend to turn over to the police the next day (Nina has a nightmare that night that three corpses rise from the lake, carry her to the crate, then throw her in it and close the lid). A bad thunderstorm blows in which forces Nina, Kristy and Bonno to abandon their tent and stay with the treasure hunters in the cabin. It's at this time that the shit hits the fan. When Kristy goes to take a shower, the killer splits her head open with an axe. The killer then slams Bonno's head under the hood of a Land Rover and then uses the Land Rover to run over the Boss. Johan gets speargunned and Prima gets impaled with a pitchfork. All that is left is Nina, who gets a visit from another female friend, who turns out to be the killer (she's the Mrs. Vorhees of this film). She relates a story to Nina (told in flashback) about her involvement of the murdered body in the crate and how she tried to cover it up by putting the body in the lake. Since the body has been discovered, she has no choice but to kill everyone who saw it. She then goes after Nina with a machete, but Nina fights back and defeats her attacker with a machete blow to the heart (I guess the filmmakers couldn't afford a decapitation).  This slow-moving horror film, directed by Sisworo Gautama Putra (PRIMITIVES - 1978; THE WARRIOR - 1981), takes forever to get moving and when the killings finally happen, Putra pulls away instead of showing the violence, which is strange considering the graphic bloodshed shown in his other films. Kristy's death by axe is only shown as shadows on a wall, Bonno's head-crushing is viewed only in a long shot and when the Boss is run over, we only see a close-up of his face with blood coming out of his mouth. Though we do not actually see Barry Prima (THE DEVIL'S SWORD - 1984; REVENGE OF NINJA - 1984) get killed, we do see his body impaled on a pitchfork later on. As with most Indonesian exploitation films, there are a couple of "What The Fuck?" moments, one of them being when Nina and Kristy begin fighting each other like two kung-fu masters (complete with exaggerated sound effects) for no apparent reason that I could discern (again, I don't speak the language, so I could have missed something). That scene does set up the finale, where Nina takes on the mystery woman. I dare you not to laugh at Nina's sudden changeover from victim to victor. After being uncerimoniously slapped around and abused, she then takes a martial arts stance and proceeds to beat the crap out of her attacker and then stabs her in the heart just to make sure we know she means business! The ending is a scene-by-scene steal of the original FRIDAY THE 13TH shock coda, complete with Nina in a canoe out in the middle of the lake, the police waving her in and a Jason-like creature jumping out of the water to grab her out of the canoe, all while a faux Harry Manfredini score plays on the soundtrack! If you don't mind derivative filmmaking and can watch a film in a strange language with no English help, SRIGALA (when translated, means "Fox") may be worth a few chuckles. Just don't go in expecting the graphic bloodletting normally associated with films from Indonesia, because you will be disappointed. It's not exactly dry, but it's not as wet as it should have been since it was made made for Rapi Films, Indonesia's premiere purveyors of sleazy entertainment. Also starring Lydia Kandou, S. Parya, Siska Widowati, Dorman Borisman, Rudy Salam and Meike Wijaya. I couldn't make out any other credits because the fullscreen print I viewed was severely cropped and projected dead-center, cutting off all the credits on both ends (the film's title only shows "IGA" on-screen!). Video label unavailable. Not Rated.

STING OF DEATH (1966) - For more on director William Grefe, a filmmaker who specialized in regional South Florida genre films, see my reviews of DEATH CURSE OF TARTU (1966) and STANLEY (1972). STING OF DEATH is Grefe's first stab at a horror film and it's a lulu. Teens in bikini's grooving poolside while Neil Sedaka sings "Do The Jellyfish" (Sedaka, who never appears on-screen here, actually co-stars in 1965's PLAYGIRL KILLER and sings "Waterbug" by a poolside!), plenty of beautiful Florida Everglades photography and a walking jellyfish monster whose tentacles cause the film's title, so what more could you ask for? The film opens with Ruth, a buxom blonde in a black bikini seemingly without a care in the world, who is listening to a portable radio where a newscaster announces that the police are baffled as to why fishermen have been disappearing off the coast of South Florida. Poor Ruth is about to discover the reason why, as the jellyfish monster is slowly sneaking up one her as she sunbathes on a dock, reaching up out of the water, pulling her under (the monster also has hands, something real jellyfish lack!) and dragging her lifeless body by her hair to it's lair. It seems Ruth was the assistant to Dr. Richardson (Jack Nagle) and Dr. John Hoyt (Joe Morrison), who are on a secluded island doing experiments on marine life (hmmm...I wonder if those experiments have anything to do with jellyfish?). Dr. Richardson beautiful daughter Karen (Valerie Hawkins) arrives on the island with four equally beautiful female friends, who get a jolt when Dr. Richardson's facially deformed assistant, Egon (John Vella), makes a sudden appearance (something he does a lot in this film). Sheriff Bob (Robert Stanton) shows up by boat and has something to show both the doctors: The dead body of one of the missing fisherman that John thinks was stung by a Portuguese Man-O-War, but the sting marks are much too big for any jellyfish he has seen. Egon believes it is possible to cultivate a jellyfish that size, but Dr. Richardson, John and Sheriff Bob ignore him (they shouldn't). A bunch of wild grad students show up by boat for a pool party in Karen's honor (they all start doing the Twist and the Frug as soon as they set foot on the dock, while the cameramen make sure to get plenty of tight shots of women shaking their asses!), where they all make fun of Egon's deformities (over Karen and John's objections) before he escapes on an airboat and the partygoers form a conga line to the pool. By this time, it's apparent to the viewers (if not the cast) that Egon, who has the hots for Karen, has been performing illicit experiments on himself at his secret underwater lair and that he's actually the jellyfish monster. The monster Egon (portrayed by Doug Hobart, who played Tartu in DEATH CURSE OF TARTU, which was shot back-to-back with this) plans on getting even with the partygoers, hiding in the pool (toss all rationality out the window because no one sees his big black body in the clear pool water!) while everyone dances to Neil Sedaka's "Do The Jellyfish" ("Monkey, don't be a donkey. It's nothing like the Monkey! It isn't funky or anything that's junky! It's something swella! The jilla-jalla Jellyfish!" Oh...my...god!). Louise (Sandy Lee Kane) jumps in the pool and is attacked by the jellyfish man (who looks like a man in a wetsuit, flippers and an inflated clear plastic garbage bag over his head!), who then capsizes the partygoers' boat as they try to escape and killing them all by releasing jellyfish into the water. With the radio on the island destroyed (I wonder who did that?), Dr. Richardson, John, Karen and her female friends must fight off the Egon/jellyfish man, while Karen and John fall in love. Uh, oh, jellyfish man no likey!  Unlike TARTU, the bloodletting in William Grefe's STING OF DEATH is kept to a minimum and suffers because of it. The jellyfish man is also a ridiculously cheap creation and is about as scary as seeing your grandmother without her teeth in (thankfully, the monster isn't fully revealed until the finale). Fortunately, the fullscreen print Something Weird Video uses for their DVD (a double feature with TARTU) is vibrant, sharp and colorful, which makes all the underwater and Everglades scenery really "pop" and the brightly-colored 60's fashions stand out (Did I really dress like that? Why yes, I did!). There's really not much meat to Al Dempsey's screenplay (Dempsey was also editor on producer Richard Flink's LOVE GODDESSES OF BLOOD ISLAND [a.k.a. SIX SHES AND A HE - 1964], an unbelievable gore/sexploitationer whose only existing footage is included on the DVD as an extra), just a bunch of teens dancing, plenty of shots of the flipper-footed monster stalking his victims and nothing else (except for a really slow airboat chase during the finale). I was laughing out loud, though, at the sight of the capsized boat's passengers fighting off a school of jellyfish when it is apparent the "jellyfish" were nothing but plastic sandwich bags filled with air! A relic from the anything-goes 60's. Also starring Deanna Lund, Lois Etelman, Blanche Devereaux, Barbara Paridon, Judy Lee and Tony Gulliver. A Something Weird Video/ Image Entertainment DVD Release. Not Rated.

STONES OF DEATH (1988) - Australian-made horror film that's a cross between A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and POLTERGEIST. The teens living on a newly-developed housing site are having a nightmare where an Aborigine witchdoctor hands them a crystal stone. When they wake up, the stone is resting on their pillow. Whoever receives the stone suffers a horrible death a short time later. A young girl, Gail (Zoe Carides), who lives in the development does an investigation and finds out that all the houses were built on a sacred Aboriginal burial ground, the site of a mass murder of young Aborigines by the White man a hundred years earlier. To make matters worse, it was Gail's father (Eric Oldfield) who built the development, fully knowing the history of the site. When Gail has the nightmare and receives the stone, she confronts her father and discovers that his company found a burial cave during escavation and did not report it to the authorities because it would have put an end to the development. Gail receives help from an old Aborigine tribesman (Steve Dodd), who gives her an ancient carving to fight the witchdoctor's evil powers. After a couple of close calls (Gail is attacked by a hand that pops out of the floor drain in the girls bathroom; her boyfriend becomes possessed and attacks Gail and her father), the tribes-man performs a ritual in the burial cave and frees Gail from the curse. Her father agrees to destroy all the houses and they live happily ever after. Interesting mainly as an indictment against the White man's treatment of the Aborigines (for more on the subject, see THE NAKED COUNTRY -1985), this film does boast some good acting and some tense scenes but it is highly derivative of countless horror films. There are a couple of bloody murders (a dingo rips a girl's throat out; a boy is stung in the eye by a funnel spider) but there's not enough of the red stuff to make this film must-viewing for avid gorehounds. It's not that STONES OF DEATH is a bad film. On the contrary, it's quite well-made. It's just that it is overly familiar, like a recurring nightmare. Directed by James Bogle. A Sony Video Software Company Release. Rated R.

THE STRANGENESS (1980) - An earthquake reopens the abandoned Golden Spike mine, where 100 years ago workers refused to enter because of unexplained accidents and deaths, resulting in the dynamiting of the entrance. Since the mine was never played out of all its' gold, a team of explorers re-enter it hoping to hit the mother lode. The only lode they will find is the one in their pants, as they are trapped in the mine by a cave-in and are being picked-off one by one by a mostly unseen tentacled monster which legend says was placed there by Indians to keep the white man off their sacred land. The explorers not only have to contend with the creature, they also have to deal with the pit boss (Rolf Theison) who has a severe case of gold fever and is not above murder to keep the booty all to himself. After a rather long and dragged-out middle section, the film concludes with the last two survivors trying to destroy the creature and exit the mine at the same time. They succeed at one and fail at the other, leaving the film open for a sequel that, thankfully, was never made. The major drawback to this film is that it is so severely underlit it makes most of the action hard to see, thereby causing eyestrain. It's a shame too, because the creature (seen in stop-motion animation) is an interesting creation, sort of a cross between OCTAMAN and THE DEADLY SPAWN. There is also some sparse gore on hand, like some bloody ripped-off body parts and a maggot infested corpse. Co-stars and co-producers Mark Sawicki and Chris Huntley also handled all the effects work. The acting is uniformly amateurish but doesn't detract from the proceedings. As it stands, THE STRANGENESS (directed by one-shot wonder David Michael Hillman), could have been a lot more interesting if only a little more light was shed on the subject. This film was made a year before the infamous Jensen Farley Pictures, THE BOOGENS, was released. They both bear a strikingly similar plot. Hmmm... Also starring Terri Berland, Keith Hurt and Dan Lunham. A Trans World Entertainment Home Video Release. Rated R.

SUPERBEAST (1972) - Obscure Philippines-lensed horror film that never received a home video release in the United States (it did get a much-publicized theatrical release by United Artists as part of a double bill with the Tom Selleck-starrer DAUGHTERS OF SATAN [also 1972]), even though it was directed, produced and written by American George Schenck, who is now one of the Executive Producers of the popular TV series NCIS. The film opens with American Ray Cleaver (John Garwood) escaping from the jungles of Manila by stealing a local's truck and driving himself to the hospital, where it is so overcrowded, no doctors or nurses will attend to him even though it's obvious (at least to the viewer) that his face and body are transforming into something quite Neanderthal. He gives up on the hospital and heads to the airport, where he beats up a businessman in a bathroom, steals his clothes, passport and ticket, hops on the plane and not too long afterward the pilot is radioing Guam Airport to make an emergency landing because a psychotic passenger (Guess who?) is manhandling the crew. When the plane lands in Guam, the waiting military surround the plane and shoot and kill Cleaver, who now looks like a caveman in a business suit! In Venezuela, Dr. Alix Pardee (Antoinette Bower; DIE SISTER, DIE! - 1972) hops a plane to Guam and performs an autopsy on the freakishly changed Cleaver (after performing the autopsy, she turns to her assistant and says, "Wow!"). She heads to Manila to investigate, where she learns that Cleaver was an AWOL Marine who disappeared a month earlier after being arrested and accused of being a hash smuggler and then sent to some rehabilitation camp in the jungle for some "experimental" treatment. Dr. Pardee hops a steamer heading to the city of Pangan, where she is being shadowed by mysterious American businessman Stewart Victor (Harry Lauter). Once in Pangan, Dr. Pardee is met by Dr. Raul Rojas (Manny Oheda), who informs her that Cleaver isn't the only case of radical transformation in the area. A horrible "evil spirit" is attacking the residents of a remote jungle village, so both doctors make their way by canoe to investigate. They mistakenly go over a huge waterfall in their canoe (How in the world did they not see it?) and when Dr. Pardee awakens, she is naked and in bed at a plantation run by Dr. Bill Fleming (Craig Littler), who informs her that Dr. Rojas has not been found and is presumed dead. Dr. Pardee is rightfully concerned of her situation, as there are bars on the windows, she hears terrible screams at night and she spots Stewart Victor walking freely around the plantation, usually with a hunting rifle in his hands. It's plain to see that Dr. Fleming is another incarnation of Dr. Morneau, as he has created a serum that supposedly turns all the hardened criminals in his care into docile, law-abiding citizens. Yeah, right. It's also apparent that his serum has serious side effects, turning some of Dr. Fleming's subjects into creatures that nightmares are made of (makeup effects by PLANET OF THE APES' John Chambers). Dr. Pardee must figure out a way to escape the plantation before she is killed by the dastardly Victor, who pays Dr. Fleming big bucks to hunt his failures like prey. How she escapes will have you wishing that she gets a bullet right between her eyes.   This is a boring and slow-moving horror film that plays more like a travelogue during the first half before becoming a second rate ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU/MOST DANGEROUS GAME clone during the second half. It's not surprising that this is George Schenck's only directorial effort, because it's a rather static affair that just meanders along at a snail's pace, never coming close to having a pulse (Schenck switched to being a successful TV producer/writer, a job he still holds to this day). Antoinette Bower makes for a deadly dull heroine and Craig Littler is one of the nicest mad scientists I have ever seen. Only Harry Lauter registers slightly as a big game hunter who enjoys tracking down and killing Dr. Fleming's "mistakes". There's not much in the way of nudity or violence (at least in the print that I viewed, which was sourced from a TV print, the only way to see this film in the States for over 35 years, but there are reports that the autopsy Dr. Pardee performs in the beginning of the film contained real, gruesome autopsy footage in the unedited version), so all the viewer has to look forward to is John Chambers' Neanderthal makeups and lots of shots of people walking around, talking incessantly or running through the jungle. Not worth your time. Also known as PRIMAL INSTINCTS. Vic Diaz puts in an appearance as a crooked constable who gets his just desserts. Also starring Jose Romulo, Bruno Punzalan, Alex Flores, Roderick Paulate, Ricardo Santos and Nanita. The TV print is available for sale on most gray market sites and for download on torrent sites. Rated R.

THE SUPERNATURALS (1985) - During the end of the Civil War, a unit of Nothern soldiers from the 44th Division force a small group of Confederate soldiers to walk across a minefield (a tried-and-true method of making sure the coast is clear!) and only young boy Jeremy (Chad Sheets) makes it to the other side alive. Jeremy, who has "special powers", causes something catastrophic to happen (we don't see it) when a strange light emits from his clenched fist and a heavy wind blows in from nowhere. In the present day, some greenhorn members of the Army's 44th Division are on a training mission in the same location where the massacre of the Confederate soldiers took place 120 years earlier. I think you can see where this is heading. The unit's commanding officer, Sergeant Leona Hawkins (STAR TREK's Nichelle Nichols), leads her inexperienced group of Privates on a march through the forest and Pvt. Ray Ellis (Maxwell Caufield) begins hearing voices calling his name and they all see a ghostly woman named Melanie (Margaret Shendal) in the woods, but she only has eyes for Ray. The unit camps out on the exact spot of the massacre (it's a barren area where nothing seems to grow) and Pvt. Tim Cort (Bobby Di Cicco) falls into a hole, which turns out to be a hidden Civil War bunker. Pvt. Chris Mendez (Scott Jacoby), the unit's unofficial Civil War expert, notices a strange phenomenon on the barren spot. There seems to be a mysterious wind that eminates from the center of the barren spot and blows outward in all directions (this plot point is dropped as soon as it is mentioned). While Ray is digging a latrine (he's on Sgt. Hawkins' shitlist for some past transgressions), he unearths a skull which Tim stupidly uses for target practice. That night, a drunk Tim tries to rape Pvt. Angela Lejune (Talia Balsam), the unit's only other female member, but she sticks a knife between his legs and he walks away, only to fall into an underground man-made tunnel, where he is attacked by some rotting zombie Confederate soldiers and killed. The rest of the film finds the soldiers being attacked and killed one-by-one by the living dead Confederate soldiers, while Ray discovers that he has a personal connection to the massacre that happened over a century earlier. And is it possible that the old mute man that lives in a shack in the woods is actually Jeremy? You'll get the answers if you manage to stay awake through this borefest.  This disappointing horror film, directed by Armand Mastroianni (HE KNOWS YOU'RE ALONE - 1980; THE KILLING HOUR - 1982; CAMERON'S CLOSET - 1987), plays like a TV movie of the week. The action is pretty lame and the bloodletting non-existant until the latter part of the film and even then it's nothing to write home about. Nichelle Nichols, in a rare starring role, is simply horrible here. Her stilted delivery as she barks out orders is pretty pathetic and she manages to make the normally stiff Maxwell Caufield (THE BOYS NEXT DOOR - 1985; SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT - 1990) look animated. The young cast, which also includes LeVar Burton (a future member of STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION), Bradford Bancroft, Richard Pachorek and John Zarchen, are wasted in underwritten roles and are just fodder for the (lame) slaughter. The zombie makeups (by Mark Shostrom) are effective, but underused, and there is some creepy atmospheric nighttime scenes, but the sad fact is that this film drags when it should pop and that fault lies squarely on the shoulders of producers Joel Soisson and Michael S. Murphey, who were also responsible for the anemic screenplay. The mixture of supernatural elements with modern-day Amry action just doesn't gel here. It seems forced and is unconvincing. If there's one good thing to say about THE SUPERNATURALS, it's this: It's still miles better than director Tony Malanowski's two similarly-themed horror films, NIGHT OF HORROR (1978) and CURSE OF THE CANNIBAL CONFEDERATES (1982). That's not much, but that's all I have. An Embassy Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

SUPERSTITION (1982) - This is a good old-fashioned 80's supernatural gorefest that went virtually unnoticed when released to theaters, but gained a cult following when making it to home video. After playing a practical joke on a necking couple outside a creepy old abandoned house, Artie (Bennett Liss) and Charlie (Johnny Doran) are then brutally murdered by an invisible force inside the house (Charlie finds Artie's head cooking in a microwave and Charlie is graphically cut in half when trying to escape out a window). When the bodies are discovered, the county gives the church (who own the house and surrounding property) 120 days to clean up the house and make it livable again, otherwise the house will be destroyed. The church sends Reverend David Thompson (David Houghton) to survey the property and get it in shape for Reverend George Leahy (Larry Pennell) and his family to live in. The house, known as the "Sharack Place", named for the original owner who was said to be a witch, has a long history of unexplained deaths, the latest being a cop who is dragged into the pond behind the house by a pair of taloned hands. Church-hating Inspector Sturgess (Albert Salmi) blames the death of his officer on Arlen (Joshua Cadman), the mute son of the last surviving Sharack female, Elvira (Jacquelyn Hyde), who looks like a witch and lives in a small house on the property. Sturgess blames all the recent murders on Arlen (he has a real hard-on for him) and Reverend Thompson orders the pond to be drained to see if there are any bodies in it. It seems that the pond doesn't want to be drained, though (the pumps keep getting clogged), but a large wooden crucifix is found at the bottom of the pond and once it is removed, strange things begin to happen, none of them good. Reverend Thompson meets Mary (Kim Marie), a little girl in a white dress, who turns out to be an evil spirit. Every time she makes an appearance, someone dies a gruesome death. The first one is Reverend Maier (Stacy Keach Sr.), who dies in a freak "accident" when the spinning blade of a circular saw disengages itself, flies through the air and slices through his chest (and the chair he is sitting on). A electrician is hanged when his neck gets caught around the cable of the house's elevator. When the gin-soaked Reverend Leahy moves in with his family, one of his daughters is nearly scared to death when a disembodied hand latches on to her leg while she is swimming in the pond. Somehow, the stubborn and sarcastic Inspector Sturgess still believes that Arlen is responsible for all these new deaths, but Arlen seems to have disappeared. The Leahy's young son, Justin (Bobby Jacoby; BLOODY BIRTHDAY - 1980), becomes friends with Mary and he soon ends up missing. Sturgess and the Leahys search the house and property (where Sturgess make a discovery of a secret room), while Reverend Thompson researches the history of the crucifix and the house. Once Thompson discovers the truth (told in flashback), he races back to the house to save the Leahy family. He should have driven a little faster.  Anyone who likes bloody horror films will find a lot to admire here. Director James W. Roberson (THE LEGEND OF ALFRED PACKER - 1978; THE GIANT OF THUNDER MOUNTAIN - 1991) not only tosses in numerous gory deaths, he also builds-up a resonable amount of tension and dread, thanks to some excellent camerawork and editing. The bloody set-pieces go way beyond R-rated gore (it was released to theaters unrated) and after the first couple of minutes watching this, you will see why. A head explodes in a microwave, a body is cut in two, a saw blade rips through a body (the film's highlight gore scene), death by wine press and a wooden spike through a head are just some of the juicy goods on view. The film has two faults and this is what they are: 1) Albert Salmi's (EMPIRE OF THE ANTS - 1977) Inspector Sturgess is such a prejudicial hothead (his hatred of the church, priests and mutes is never explained), it's hard to believe any town would hire him as their top cop. 2) It's strange that Reverend Leahy was made an alcoholic when it's never properly fleshed-out. He acts more like a coward than an alcoholic. It seems the only reason he was made a drunk was to give one of his daughters a reason to yell at him every time he opens his mouth. Don't let those two things deter you, though, because SUPERSTITION (also known as THE WITCH) is a fun, blood-drenched flick that delivers what it promises. Besides, you gotta love a film where absolutely no one is left alive once the final credits roll, not even the kids. This is one of the first films to be Executive Produced by the team of Mario Kassar and Andrew Vajna, who would find mainstream fame with FIRST BLOOD (1982) and it's sequels, RED HEAT (1988), TOTAL RECALL (1990) and many others. Ed Carlin was this film's Producer and is better remembered for producing 70's exploitation films like BLOOD AND LACE (1970), THE NIGHT GOD SCREAMED (1971) and THE SWINGING BARMAIDS (1975) with then-partner Gil Lasky. Also starring Lynn Carlin, Robert Symonds, Heidi Bohay, Maylo McCaslin, Carole Goldman and John Alderman. Originally released on VHS by Lightning Video and later on widescreen DVD by Anchor Bay Entertainment. Unrated.

SWAMP OF THE LOST MONSTER (1956/64) - I knew something was wrong when I rented this dud. The sales clerk said, "Gee, you're the first person to rent this film in over three years!" He further explained that since this film wasn't a good rental prospect they put it in their bargain bin for resale. Even at the unheard of price of $2.99 it languished in the bin for over two years, so management decided to put it back on the shelves for rental. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to bring this home. I said yes and as I was walking out the door I was sure I heard someone snickering. As I entered the cassette into my VCR I knew what the snickering was all about. This south of the border production stars Gaston Santos and his wonder horse "Moonlight" (not a good sign). It was released directly to American TV after notorious producer K. Gordon Murray did some post-production tampering, hiring director Stem Segar to film some extra footage (I'm starting to feel ill). It is badly dubbed and has a fat Mexican called Pepito supplying comic relief (the chunks are rising from my stomach to my throat). The swamp monster is so poorly constructed that it makes the creature in Larry Buchanan's CURSE OF THE SWAMP CREATURE look absolutely hi-tech (I have the urge to purge). It turns out that the monster is just a man in a rubber suit pretending to be dead so he can kill his enemies and collect his $1 million life insurance (Watch out! I'm going to spew!). The Genesis video box claims that this film was made in 1970. Don't you believe it. American International Pictures handled the TV distribution. Director Raphael Baledon is also responsible for CURSE OF THE CRYING WOMAN (1961) and THE MAN AND THE MONSTER (1958). Mexican horror films are an acquired taste. They are usually high on atmosphere and set decoration and short on everything else. SWAMP OF THE LOST MONSTER is just plain bad.  Next time I will listen to that sales clerk. A Genesis Home Video Release. Not Rated.

SWAMP OF THE RAVENS (1974) - This strange Spanish/U.S. co-production is a precursor to 1985's RE-ANIMATOR as they both share some major plot points, but SWAMP veers off into it's own territory pretty quickly. Dr Frosta ("Raymond Oliver" nee Ramiro Oliveros), a renegade genetics scientist, is working on perfecting a serum that can bring the dead back to life, provided that they have been dead no longer than eight minutes. Dr. Frosta's colleagues frown on his experiments, which force him to perform them in a lab (basically a shack on stilts) he has located next to the titled swamp. His failed attempts (including a man with leprosy) are dumped in the murky swamps by his mute assistant, their flesh picked at by the ravens before they sink to the bottom. Every once in a while the ravens dump a body part (a hand, an ear, an eye) where the authorities can find it, causing the police to open an investigation which includes questioning people at the hospital where Dr. Frosta works. When Frosta's fiancee Simone (Marcelle Bichetti) leaves him to hook back up with American ex-boyfriend Ben (William Harrison), Frosta kidnaps her, binds her to his lab table, strips her and kisses her body (shades of RE-ANIMATOR again, though this one was made 11 years earlier, hmmmmm....), before killing her and using his serum on her lifeless body (but not before some quick necrophelia!). As Ben and the police draw near, Dr. Frosta invites all his colleagues to his lab to witness his triumph, but a fire derails that triumph, forcing him to flee the country and start anew somewhere else. Will he get away with it?  Competently directed by Manuel Cano (VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST - 1972; here using his Americanized "Michael Cannon" pseudonym) and written by Santiago Moncada (REST IN PIECES - 1987), SWAMP OF THE RAVENS contains several chilling scenes that are highly atmospheric. The best scene shows Frosta standing on the bank of the swamp while the faces of all the dead bodies dumped there stare blankly back at him. But, there are also several unintentionally funny scenes (helped immensely by the lousy dubbing), including Ben's ridiculous song he sings to a female mannequin in his nightclub act (try not to laugh, I dare you), as well as the inept police inspector's (Fernando Sancho) ludicrous investigative techniques. Still, it's a pretty good piece of atmospheric entertainment that's worth at least one viewing, although I was hoping all those dead bodies in the swamp would come to life and get even with Dr. Frosta. You can't win them all. Believe it or not, this was also released to some U.S. drive-in circuits under the title THE HOUSE ON SKULL ISLAND. Something Weird Video offers a decent (though damaged in spots) widescreen print on a double feature DVD with THE THIRSTY DEAD (1973). Also starring Antonia Mas, Cesar Carmigniani, Marcos Mollina and Gaspar Galupi. A Something Weird Video Release. Rated R.

SWEET SIXTEEN (1982) - As Melissa Morgan (Aleisa Shirley) is rapidly approaching her sixteenth birthday, a series of murders begin to occur in a small Texas town in this horror film that also has something to say about the plight of Native Americans in modern society. Melissa (who is sexually active) is new in town and is watched closely by her overprotective father (and American Indian artifacts expert) Dr. John Morgan (Patrick Macnee) and her slightly off-balance (and former town resident) mother, Joanne (Susan Strasberg). There seems to be a serious problem with the people who become friendly with Melissa: Most of them end up being killed, stabbed viciously with an Indian hunting knife. The first to end up dead is Johnny (Glenn Withrow), a boy who fooled around and smoked pot with Melissa and was caught by her father. He ends up getting sliced and diced in the desert in the middle of the night. When Sheriff Burke (Bo Hopkins, who else?), his son Hank (Steve Antin) and daughter Marci (Dana Kimmell) find Johnny's mutilated body, they interview Melissa, her father and mother and Melissa drops hints that local Indian Jason (Don Shanks) may be responsible (he spurned her advances the night before because she was underage). Now we know that, besides being sexually active, Melissa is also very spiteful (and prone to lying). Johnny brother, local redneck Billy (Don Stroud, who is woefully underused here), gets wind of Jason's alleged involvement and turns his brother's death into a race war against the Indians, with other townspeople joining the fray (one local calls Jason a "red nigger"). As more people end up dead, the sheriff is caught between vigilante justice by his neighbors and trying to find the real killer, while Hank and Marci perform their own investigation and come too close to the truth. Who is slicing up all these people up with a buck knife? You will find out at Melissa's sixteenth birthday party and the whole town is invited!  Quite good as a mystery as well as a horror film, director/producer Jim Sotos (FORCED ENTRY - 1975; not the hardcore porn film with the same name) builds a lot of suspense with the town's prejudice and Melissa's spiteful ways. Scripter Erwin Goldman gets a lot of mileage out of basic slice-and-dice techniques by actually telling a decent story to go along with the slasher elements. The contrast between Sheriff Burke's loving relationship with his kids versus Melissa's cold and detached relationship with her parents is never more apparent then when Marci accuses Melissa of lying to her father when she blamed Greyfeather (Henry Wilcoxon), Jason's grandfather, of murdering the school quarterback, leading to Billy and some of the townspeople to lynch him. Melissa's response to Marci is. "Why do you have to be so good?" While the murders are not very graphic (there's evidence of some post-production tampering to achieve an R rating), they are well-handled and shocking. The cast of genre vets do a nice job here, even if it's weird to hear Patrick Macnee's British accent amongst everything Texan. Even though the real killer is not very hard to spot (there's plenty of clues for the killer's motivation throughout the film, but when Dr. Morgan frames Jason, it practically gives it away), but the story is different enough and the cast good enough (including Michael Pataki as the town's mayor and Sharon Farrell as Hopkin's love interest who helps him break the case) to keep you involved throughout. There's also a full frontal nude scene of Melissa taking a shower (I guess Aleisa Shirley wasn't actually fifteen years old) for those who keep track of stuff like that (fuckin' A!). The end credits song, "Melissa's Theme" , is also memorable and fits in perfectly with the goosebump-inducing stinger in the final seconds. This film is definitely worth a rental or purchase if you can find it. The late Gary Graver was second unit cinematographer. Also starring Logan Clarke, Michael J. Cutt (NIGHT OF THE DEMON - 1979) and a cameo by Larry Storch as a shotgun-toting bartender. A Vestron Video Release. Coming on DVD in 2007 from Code Red. Rated R.

THE TEMPTER (1974) - I love Italian horror films. I find they have a frenetic, over-the-top quality that are sorely missing from their American counterparts. I must make an exception of THE TEMPTER though, not because it is a copy of THE EXORCIST (what Italian horror film isn't an imitation of some other film that was popular? Dario Argento excluded.) but because of its deadly slow pace and frequent lapses into poor taste. Who wants to watch a woman lick the asshole of a goat or fuck her brother? I sure as hell don't! The story is about a crippled woman (Carla Gravina) who becomes possessed by the Devil much to the chagrin of her father (Mel Ferrer) and her priest/uncle (Arthur Kennedy of THE MEAN MACHINE). Soon she is speaking in tongues, foaming at the mouth, spitting out green bile, levitating herself and other objects, ripping the heads off toads, screwing her brother, twisting a young man's head 360 degrees and the aforementioned act with the goat. When it is learned that she is pregnant (from the tryst with her brother), an exorcist (Coulouris) is called in for fear that the unborn baby may be the Antichrist. She is eventually freed of her demonic possession after she embraces a large wooden cross in a cathedral. The world is safe for the moment. Originally titled L'ANTICRISTO (THE ANTICHRIST), it was shorn 16 minutes of its running time before reaching American theaters in 1978. The special effects range from bloody (toad decapitations and witch burnings) to downright ludicrous (levitation and other effects use the rather obvious blue screen and split screen processes). This film takes forever to get moving and the exorcism doesn't take place until the final 10 minutes. Nudity is also at a minimum here. Alberto De Martino also directed HOLOCAUST 2000 (aka THE CHOSEN - 1977), an OMEN ripoff as well as the awful PUMA MAN (1980) and BLOODLINK (1986). Aristide Massaccesi (aka Joe D'Amato) was director of photography on TEMPTER and gives the film a fluid, professional look, its' only saving grace. Stay away from this film unless beastiality and incest turns you on. If they do, shame on you! An Embassy Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

TERROR IN THE SWAMP (1984) - So-so horror show, lensed in Louisiana, about the search for a man-sized beast killing off hunters. There's also a subplot about two overweight bayou brothers, who are poachers and thieves, that killed a guard so they could get their hands on some explosives. Somehow it all ties together in the end. It seems that a scientist is performing gene-splicing experiments  which involve mixing human genes with those of nutrias (a rodent-like creature) in the hopes of producing larger pelts. The creature that  was manufactured escapes, wrecking havoc on trapping season. The scientist wants to keep his mistake a secret, so he hires the two fat boys to bring the creature back alive. Meanwhile, the local authorities try to solve a series of killings that plague their local community. According to the end credits this film was originally titled NUTRIAMAN: THE COPASAW CREATURE. I have a feeling the title change was appropriate. The creature is shown mainly in shadows or long shots, so you really don't get a good look at it. Maybe that is for the best. The real stand-out is Michael Tedesco, who plays T-Bob, the half-wit brother of the bayou duo. With his thick Louisiana drawl and hefty poundage, he is truly a screen presence. Not much blood (except for a quick shot of a dismembered leg), but not a bad example of regional filmmaking. I give this one extra points for its' use of the scenic Louisiana bayous. Also starring Billy Holliday, Chuck Bush and Chuck Long. Co-directed by Joe Catalanotto (FRENCH QUARTER UNDERCOVER - 1985) and Martin Folse (who has done nothing else that I could find). A New World Video Release. RATED PG.

TERROR IN THE WAX MUSEUM (1973) - Quaint, TV-like horror film made back-to-back with the more raucous ARNOLD by the same director and screenwriter. The elderly Claude Dupree (John Carradine) is the creator and proprietor of Dupree's Wax Museum And Chamber Of Horrors in late Nineteenth Century London, who treats all of his wax figures (many of them mass murderers from throughout history) like fine art. If he finds the tiniest imperfection, Dupree and his hideously deformed deaf mute assistant, Karkov (Steven Marlo), cart the wax figure down to the basement, melt it in a huge vat of wax and recreate a perfect copy. Alas, Mr. Dupree is getting on in years and is being pressured by businessman Amos Burns (Broderick Crawford), who wants to buy Dupree's wax figures and move them to New York City. Mr. Dupree is reticent about selling (When he asks what is to become of Karkov, Mr. Burns replies, "There are institutions for freaks like that."), so he asks Mr. Burns to return in the morning for his final decision. Mr. Burns leaves the museum and walks the fog-shrouded streets of London to Tim Fowley's (Louis Hayward) pub, where he listens to music hall singer Laurie Mell (Shani Wallis) perform and eventually takes her home, which upsets Karkov, who watches all the action through the sub-sidewalk grating. That night, Mr. Dupree has a terrible nightmare where all the wax figures (including Jack The Ripper and Lizzie Borden) come to life and attack him for betraying them. When he wakes up, he decides not to sell the museum, but when he goes downstairs to check on his wax figures and "explain" to them his decision (he is their creator after all), the wax figure of Jack The Ripper seemingly comes to life for real, calls Dupree a "liar" and stabs him in the heart, killing him instantly. Police Inspector Daniels (Maurice Evans) and Sgt. Michael Hawks (Mark W. Edwards) of Scotland Yard are called-in to investigate Dupree's murder and interrogate suspects Mr. Burns, Dupree associate Harry Flexner (Ray Milland), Dupree lawyer Mr. Southgott (Patric Knowles) and Karkov. The arrival of Dupree's niece, Meg Collins (Nicole Shelby), and her guardian, Julia Hawthorn (Elsi Lanchester), raises the questions: Who actually owns the museum and where is Dupree's will? The only bit of information that is known is that Dupree's last will and testament is located somewhere in the museum, so the search is on. Mr. Burns suggests that the killer may be the real Jack The Ripper (The real Ripper is still at large and may not be too happy about the way Dupree portrayed him in wax) and since Sgt. Hawks worked on the Ripper murders, he doesn't discount it. The greedy Miss Hawthorn takes over the museum until the will is found and immediately reopens the museum to take advantage of the throngs of gawkers lingering outside. The museum plays to packed houses with Mr. Flexner as the tour guide. When an attempt is made on Meg's life (the killer is still dressed as the Ripper) and Mr. Burns is found dead in the museum (he was run-through with a sword), Sgt. Hawks must gather the clues (including a white carnation) and catch the killer before Meg (whom he has grown quite fond of) ends up dead or worse: dipped in the wax vat in the basement.  This bloodless horror film, directed by Georg Fenady (a respected TV director with hundreds of TV episodes, including 29 episodes of QUINCY M.E. [1980 - 1983], under his belt before his death in 2008) and written by Jameson Brewer (ISLAND OF LOST GIRLS - 1969), both responsible for the aforementioned black comedy ARNOLD (1973), is a treasure trove of classic movie stars, but as both a horror film and a murder mystery, it fails drastically because it is far too tame for it's own good. This could (and actually did) play on TV with no cuts, as the film takes a 30's & 40's approach to showing the murders (as a matter of fact, 1933's THE MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM is far more graphic than this), relying on mood rather than blood, which must have disappointed moviegoers in the 70's (the ads played-up Karkov [which the ads misspelled as "Karkoff"!] as the monster, when he was really one of the most sympathetic characters in the film). It is also obvious that many of the wax figures are portrayed by living extras that try to remain as still as possible, but fail in many of the scenes (it helps if you pay close attention to the background of the scenes shot in the Chamber of Horrors). Consider TERROR IN THE WAX MUSEUM a distant cousin (twice removed) of the more effective films of its type, including the 3-D HOUSE OF WAX (1953), which only shows a pulse whenever the bitchy Elsa Lanchester (THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN - 1935) is on-screen. Produced by Andrew J. Fenady (Georg's brother) for Bing Crosby Productions (BCP), the production company also responsible for WALKING TALL (1973) and THE REINCARNATION OF PETER PROUD (1975). Originally released on VHS by Lightning Video and not available on DVD. Rated PG.

TERROR ON TOUR (1980) - One of the first low-budget rock-themed horror films, which also includes ROCKTOBER BLOOD (1984), BLOOD TRACKS (1985), HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1985), ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE (1987), BLACK ROSES (1988) and SHOCK 'EM DEAD (1990). TERROR ON TOUR documents the on-and-off-stage antics of a KISS-like band called The Clowns, who mix rock-and-roll with a Grand Guignol-esque stage show where both mannequins and live women are stripped, stabbed or have their limbs hacked-off, all for the sake of giving the audience what they want: a bloody good show. There's as much going on backstage as there is during the stage show. Roadie Herb (Jeff Morgan) puts on the Clowns' makeup because he feels he is too ugly to get chicks without it. Jeff (David Thompson), another roadie, is a lazy good-for-nothing who likes to stiff drug dealers and take advantage of Herb every chance he gets. When a female drug dealer (the one that Jeff stiffed) is viciously stabbed at the back door of the theater the Clowns are playing at (she's waiting in vain for $50 Jeff owes her) by someone wearing Clowns makeup, the theater owner (producer Sandy Cobe) calls the police and Lt. Lambert (Johnny Green) chalks it up to a drug deal gone bad. The band's manager, Tim (Larry Thomas; STREETS OF DEATH - 1987 and better known as the "Soup Nazi" on TV's SEINFELD, who uses the name "Larry Thomasof" here), tries to keep the band's members; Fred (Rick Styles), pill-popping Ralph (Chip Greenman), Henry (Rick Pemberton) and Cherry (Dave Galluzzo), happy since the band is finally finding success after changing their sound and stage persona (something Fred is not too happy about), but is it possible they have also gained a murderous groupie, or is the killer one of their own? Tim throws a party for the band at the theater during their day off, which is full of beautiful topless women, booze and drugs, but the killer is also there in full Clowns regalia, stabbing a naked female groupie to death and then slashing the throat of another groupie that the band members were passing around like a joint in the secret "Blood Room" (it's literally a blood room now). The killer then murders another topless groupie sitting alone in the mezzanine section by stabbing her between her breasts (Groupie: "Is there something I can do for you?" Killer: "Yes...die!") while the wild party continues. When the janitor finds the body of one of the dead girls in a bathroom stall, the party stops and Lt. Lambert brings in snitch Jane (Lisa Rodriguez) to keep a close eye on the band to make sure one of them is not the killer. Herb finds a letter in Tim's briefcase which shows that Tim's mother is a religious zealot and Tim may be a Momma's boy (this can't be good!), while Tim fires Jeff for not doing his job, with Jeff vowing, "I'll get you!" The finale finds The Clowns putting on a final bloody stage show, where the killer begins to murder people, including Lt. Lambert and Jane backstage and Herb on-stage, but the audience thinks it's all part of the show.  TERROR ON TOUR is strictly minor league horror material that takes forever to get moving. Director Don Edmonds (ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS - 1975; BARE KNUCKLES - 1977) and screenwriter Dell Lekus seem more interested in showing the band's backstage lifestyle of broads, booze and drugs than the actual horror elements and besides the first few opening minutes and the finale, we never see The Clowns performing on stage (the music is actually performed by a band called The Names). The murders are strictly of the pre-FRIDAY THE 13TH variety, where blood is merely splashed on the victims. No gaping, blood-spurting wounds here. There are enough red herrings to keep most retarded viewers guessing the killer's identity, but most horror fans will know who the killer is within the first fifteen minutes (blame religion if you can't come up with a better idea). The underlit photography is a major distraction since most of the film takes place backstage in the dimly lit rooms and hallways, so you'll be spending most of your time squinting to make out what the hell is going on. Not worth the eyestrain and the non-ending will make you madder than hell. The only time this film shows that it has a pulse is when Fred plays a love ballad called "Lisa" (in the vein of KISS' "Beth") backstage and tells Lt. Lambert that he wishes the band could go back to playing that type of music. Lt. Lambert simply says, "I like it" and Fred actually looks appreciative of the comment. If the film stuck to the little human aspects like this, maybe the film would have resonated more. Alex Rebar (THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN - 1977) was one of the Executive Producers (He also Executive Produced and scripted DEMENTED around the same time). Our old, dear friend George "Buck" Flower was Production Manager on this and his daughter Verkina Flower was Art Director, Set Director and Wardrobe Director, as well as making a cameo appearance as the "Well Endowed Lady". Also featuring Suzann Fellman, Jim Roberson (also the Director of Photography) and cameos by Johnn Wintergate and Kalassu, who would both star in one of the first SOV horror films, BOARDINGHOUSE (1982; also directed by Wintergate). Originally released on VHS by Media Home Entertainment and not available on DVD. Not Rated.

THE TERROR WITHIN (1988) - In the not-to-distant future, Earth has been ravaged by a biological "accident", where a man-made virus escaped from a laboratory, killed most of the human population and turned some of the survivors into hideous mutants called "gargoyles". A small band of unaffected survivors, located in an underground laboratory beneath the Mojave Desert, are slowly starving to death thanks to a dwindling supply of edible food. This forces them to travel to the surface to search for food, such as rattlesnakes and lizards. When two of the survivors don't come back from a hunt, leader Hal (George Kennedy) sends David (Andrew Stevens) and Sue (Starr Andreeff) to the surface to search for them. David and Sue find their comrades savagely butchered next to a cave where a family of slaughtered nomads were staying. David finds it strange that all the dead nomads are male and don't seem to be mutated, so Hal tells them to stay put while he sends scientist Linda (Terri Treas) to collect some samples to determine why they were able to live outside for so long without mutating (Linda has created a vaccine which protects humans from mutating into gargoyles). Hal's orders are put on hold when David and Sue find a living female named Karen (Yvonne Saa) and bring her back to the underground lab. Linda examines Karen and finds that she is pregnant, but Hal orders Linda not to tell anyone else just in case the baby is a mutant and they have to kill it. Sue and David quickly find out, though (Sue wants to have a baby with David and views this news as a sign of hope), but there are more pressing problems at the moment. The gargoyles also want Karen and have found the secret entrance to the lab and are trying to break in. Linda also discovers that Karen's pregnancy is advancing at an accelerated rate (That can't be good), so Hal orders Linda to abort the fetus. The fetus has other ideas and bursts out of Karen's stomach during the operation (killing her) and escapes into the air vents. Linda determines that the fetus will become a full-grown gargoyle within twenty-four hours, so everyone bands together to flush it out and kill it. Unfortunately, the now fully-grown gargoyle proves to be a trouper and kills nearly everyone and rapes Sue. Linda and David rescue her (everyone else is dead) and when Linda examines her, she finds Sue is pregnant. The question then becomes: Whose baby is it, David's or the gargoyle's? We don't have to ponder that question for too long, because it turns out her fetus is a monster, so Sue gives herself a homemade abortion, killing the baby and herself. A dog whistle (!) and the spinning blades of an industrial fan finally destroy the gargoyle in the finale. Linda and David set out on foot after getting a radio message from a bunch of survivors in a lab in the Rocky Mountains. I hope they packed an extra pair of hiking boots.  This low-budget ALIEN clone, produced by Roger Corman and directed by Thierry Notz (WATCHERS II - 1990), doesn't have much going for it besides a handful of gory scenes and the acting talents of a highly-capable cast. The script, by Thomas McKelvey Cleaver (THE SISTERHOOD - 1987; DUNE WARRIORS - 1990), quickly degenerates, after a fairly compelling opening, into a series of generic stalk-and-slash scenes, as the survivors hunt the rogue gargoyle through the various levels of the lab while the gargoyle kills them one-by-one, stopping long enough to kidnap and rape Sue. Corman made numerous films in the same vein, beginning with DAY THE WORLD ENDED (1956) and flooding the market with many rip-offs in the 80's & 90's after the success of ALIEN, including HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980), FORBIDDEN WORLD (1982), LORDS OF THE DEEP (1989), DEAD SPACE (1990), UNKNOWN ORIGIN (1995), CARNOSAUR 2 (1994), CARNOSAUR 3: PRIMAL SPECIES (1996), ALIEN TERMINATOR (1996) and a sequel to this film, THE TERROR WITHIN II (1990), directed and starring Andrew Stevens. Most of these films recycled the same plot over and over, changing only the location and species of monster. The gargoyles are a ridiculous concoction and look to be slightly altered versions of the suit used in the Corman-produced WATCHERS, made the same year as this. There's not much to recommend here besides a bloody stomach-bursting (an effect used in many of Corman's horror flicks), various throat slashings and Butch the dog, played by Andrew Stevens' real-life pet "Butch Stevens". It's hard to believe, but back in the 80's, films like this actually received a theatrical release. That would never happen today. It would be dumped directly to home video and instantly forgotten. Also starring John Lafayette, Tommy Hinkley, Joseph Hardin, Al Guarino and Roren Sumner as the Gargoyle. Originally released on VHS by MGM/UA Home Video and later released on VHS & DVD by New Horizons Home Video. Rated R.

THE TERROR WITHIN II (1990) - At the end of THE TERROR WITHIN (1988), David (Andrew Stevens), Linda (Terri Treas) and faithful dog Butch (Butch Stevens) escaped from an underground laboratory in the middle of the Mojave Desert after killing a murderous mutated human fetus, the byproduct of a biological holocaust that wiped-out most of the human population. They make a trek to the last known packet of human survivors in an underground lab in the Rocky Mountains. This film picks up with David (who now sports an ungodly amount of facial hair) and Butch nearly at the end of their journey (Linda was killed in the desert) and not a moment too soon. The occupants of the Rocky Mountain lab, headed by the stern Von Demming (R. Lee Ermey; DEMONSTONE - 1989), are slowly dying of the plague and desperately need the vaccine that David is carrying. After receiving a garbled radio message from David, Von Demming sends two of his people, Kyle (Chick Vennera; MCBAIN - 1991) and Sharon (Barbara Alyn Woods; DANCE WITH DEATH - 1991), to find David and lead him back to the lab. Unfortunately, they run into a pack of mutant creatures and have to turn back, leaving David and Butch to find their own way. David saves the life of a young woman named Ariel (Clare Hoak; MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH - 1989) from a mutant and promises her dying brother, Aaron (Gordon Currie), that he will look after her. Of course, they fall in love and end up bumping nasties around a campfire (after he shaves off his beard), after which, Ariel informs David that she knows he got her pregnant (Um, what?). David better get to the lab quick because, besides the intrigue between various members of Von Demming's group (Sharon has developed a vaccine in secret, but doesn't have enough to go around; others are beginning to succumb from the plague), a severed finger of a mutant is accidently brought into the lab and is transforming into a gelatinous blob that attaches itself to Jamie (Larry Gelman) and becomes a new kind of creature called a "Lusus". Ariel is kidnapped by a band of human scavengers led by Elaba (Cyndi Gossett), who offers Ariel to a mutant in some strange ritual. After the mutant rapes her, David arrives and saves her and they head to the lab (Poor Butch has his throat cut by a member of the scavengers and dies in David's arms). To make a long story short, once they get to the lab, Ariel delivers a baby that's half human/half mutant, which grows to adult size in a matter of minutes. The mutant, along with the Lusus, begins killing members of the lab until only David, Ariel, Kyle and Robin (Renee Jones) are left alive to battle the two monsters.  While basically nothing but a retread of the first film, THE TERROR WITHIN II ups the gore quotient considerably from the previous film. Star Andrew Stevens, who took over directing and scripting chores here (his first time in both fields), knows damn well what genre audiences want and he delivers as much boobs and blood as his meager budget would allow. Besides nude scenes from Clare Hoak and Barbara Alyn Woods, there's a decapitation, various stabbings, a crossbow bolt in the eye, the gooey birth of a mutant baby and numerous slashings by the creatures. Andrew Stevens even gets to boss around his actress mom, Stella Stevens (LITTLE DEVILS: THE BIRTH - 1993; THE GRANNY - 1994), who appears here as Kara, one of the doctors in the lab and love interest for R. Lee Ermey. The creature effects are also more polished than the first film, not that they're anything more than men in rubber suits, mind you. If you don't mind the same old rehashed plot, THE TERROR WITHIN II just may satisfy your lust for sex and violence. I enjoyed it much more that the first one. This is the first film to be photographed by Janusz Kaminski, who would later win Academy Awards for cinematography on SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993) and SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (1998), both for director Steven Spielberg. Even in the 90's, Roger Corman (who was Executive Producer here) was still employing and willing to take chances on people who would later make names for themselves. Why Corman hasn't received an honorary Oscar for his contributions to motion pictures is a crime I hope will be rectified before he passes away. Also starring Burton Gilliam, Lou Beatty Jr., Brad Blaisdell, Dean Jones (who also handled makeup effects), Peter Koch and Brewster Gould as the Lusus. A Vestron Video Release. Not available on U.S. DVD at the time of this review. Rated R.

THREE ON A MEATHOOK (1972) - This atmospheric low budget chiller is director William Girdler's take on the life of Ed Gein, previously filmed in 1960 as PSYCHO and then in 1974 as THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Billy Townsend (James Pickett) picks up four city girls whose car has broken down on a small country road late in the night. Billy brings them home for the night where they meet Pa Townsend (Charles Kissinger). Pa and Billy argue about the girls. Pa reminds Billy what happened the "last time he had a whore in the house" after his mother died. Billy ignores him and makes the girls a meal with Pa's "specially smoked meat". Later that night all the girls are slaughtered by an unseen hand. (One is knifed repeatedly while taking a bath, two are shotgunned and the fourth is beheaded with an axe.) The next morning Pa blames Billy for the killings and tells him to go to the city, see a show and not to come back until his head is clear. Billy goes to a bar, listens to a rock band (American Xpress), gets drunk and meets a waitress named Sherry (Sherry Steiner), who takes him to her pad to sleep it off. They fall in love and Billy brings her home to meet Pa. Big mistake. Pa says to Billy, "Strange things happen when you're around women", to which Billy replies, "I'm no killer!" It turns out Billy is right as Pa reveals that he is the killer. In a twist ending, it is revealed that Billy's mother is still alive and suffers from a cannibalistic disease. Pa was killing the women to satisfy her craving for human flesh and blaming Billy for the crimes. Though somewhat padded, this film has an overall creepy quality you just can't shake. It is also surprising in many ways such as when the four girls in the beginning are disposed of. Up until that point the entire story revolved around them. Watching them being viciously murdered comes a quite a shock. Pat Patterson (THE BODY SHOP - 1973; a.k.a. DOCTOR GORE), a real-life magician who died of cancer in 1975, supplied the makeup effects which include the aforementioned murders as well as a pick-axe through the stomach and the sight of three girls on hooks in Pa's meatlocker. This was director Girdler's second film, his first being ASYLUM OF SATAN (1971). THREE ON A MEATHOOK is the type of film they just don't make anymore: Low on budget, high on shocks. Originally released on VHS by Regal Video, Inc. and then on budget VHS by Video Treasures. Not available on DVD. Rated R.

THE TOMB (2004) - Holy Christ, what a steaming pile of manure. It's even sadder once you find out that this shot-on-digital video turd was one of the last films to be directed by the late Bruno Mattei, using his frequent pseudonym "David Hunt". This is a sad, sad way to end a career. The film opens two thousand years ago, with an Aztec high priest (Hugo Baret) performing human sacrifices in order to raise some sort of demon. Before he is able to sacrifice the last virgin, the villagers revolt and stab the high priest in the back. His masked female assistant rips out his eyes with a hook and mummifies his body, saying that one day in the distant future the high priest will return to life in order to complete his sacrificial ritual. Cut to the present, where archaeology Professor Langley (Robert Madison; MOTHER OF TEARS - 2007) brings a bunch of his students to Mexico to search for something or the other (Why do all the Mexicans look Filipino, you may ask? It's because this was primarily lensed in the Philippines.). After losing their guide (who sports the phoniest moustache I have ever seen) when somebody buries him alive in a spooky cemetery (in the film's most atmospheric sequence), the Professor and his students hire a creepy witch woman to guide them through the jungle to their destination: A temple in the middle of nowhere that just happens to contain the tomb of the mummified high priest. They make it to the temple (after encountering some quicksand and stock footage of bats in flight), where one of the female students, Liz (Kasya Zurakowska), begins having visions of owls (more stock footage) and the high priest rising from his tomb. The witch woman, who turns out to be the reincarnation of the high priest's assistant, revives the high priest and pretty soon Professor Langley's students are killed one-by-one when they are trapped in the temple by a cave-in (by obvious styrofoam boulders). One student has his eyes ripped-out, another is impaled by a pendulum (what a pendulum is doing in a temple is never explained), still another has her throat cut and another is bitten by a bunch of poisonous spiders. The finale finds the revived high priest about to sacrifice the virginal Liz to finally complete the ritual he started two thousand years earlier. Can the Professor stop him before it's too late? Does anyone care at this point?  Where to begin? First off, the whole shot-on-digital video look gives the film (an ultra-low-budget rip-off of Universal's THE MUMMY [1999] remake) a soap opera-ish feel, which is never a good thing. Even though some of the Philippines location scenery is quite fetching, the SOV look makes it all seem rather flat and one-dimensional, lacking the depth that shooting on film would allow. Director Bruno Mattei (THE OTHER HELL - 1980; ROBOWAR - 1988; CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST: THE BEGINNING - 2003) is not one that cares much for subtlety, as he rips-off the Santanico Pandemonium dancing scene in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1995) early in this film and even "borrows" (I'm positive they're unlicensed) clips from Universal's ARMY OF DARKNESS (1992) and other A-list films to pad out this flick's 92 minute running time. Never mind that these film inserts stick out like a sore thumb, Mattei would rather you not dwell on that. The fact is, I could overlook these faults (including the terrible dubbing) if the film was at least fun or remotely interesting, but it's a boring mess, where the characters always do the stupidest things humanly possible (When one guy loses his glasses, he just gives up all hope and whines like a baby!) and the film has so many factual errors (Ancient Aztec women wore thong underwear? Mummification rites involved wristwatch-wearing warriors? Who knew?), it's laughable. If I had to say something good about this film (and that a big if), it would be that some of the makeup effects were well done (effects by Davide Chiesa and Alessandro Franceschini of Logical Art), but that's faint praise indeed. No one really needs to see this. American expatriate and Filipino film staple Mike Monty was the Dialogue Coach. Also starring Gyorgy Szabados, Ann Maxwell, Mark Rambert, Faith Lowe, Frank Barber, Juliette Junot, Kenny Krall, Angie Linn and David Brass. The DVD put out by York Entertainment is total amateur hour. Besides erroneously reporting the running time as 110 minutes (I would have put a bullet in my head if I actually had to watch an additional eighteen minutes of this dung pile), the DVD menu looks like it was burned on a home DVD recorder! Not Rated.

TOOLBOX MURDERS (2003) - Director Tobe Hooper nearly returns back to form in this gory, yet underwritten, horror film that has very little to do with the original TOOLBOX MURDERS (1978), except that the killer uses power and hand tools to do his killings. Newlyweds Nell and Steve Barrows (an uglied-up Angela Bettis and Brent Roam) move into the Lusman Arms apartment complex, which is undergoing a major renovation. As soon as they move in, strange things begin to happen such as tenants disappearing, finding a box of teeth in a hole in the wall and the sound of power tools in the middle of the night. Steve, who is a hospital resident, spends most of his time at his job so Nell must find out the cause of all the problems she is experiencing. When she calls the cops after hearing one of the tenants screaming for her life (the lady has been literally nailed to the wall with an air hammer) and they bust down the door, the police find nothing (she has been nailed to the ceiling out of view) and chalk it up to Nell having a vivid imagination. More murders occur, including her new friend Julia (Juliet Landau) getting power-drilled through the head, another female tenant getting a claw hammer rammed through her chin, the building's maintenance man (co-screenwriter Adam Gierasch) getting his head cut in half at the jaw line with a portable circular saw, the doorman (Marco Rodriguez) getting his head squeezed in a vise while acid is poured on his face and the manager (Greg Travis) getting his spinal cord cut in half with bolt cutters (after screaming, "Kill me already!"). Nell finds an ally in long-time resident Chas Rooker (genre great Rance Howard [TICKS - 1993]), who leads her in the right direction by pointing out that none of the apartment floors have a Room 4. There's also some strange supernatural symbols on each floor in which Nell discovers that the building has a separate smaller building hidden inside it! It all leads to a rather rushed conclusion that has something to do with a "Coffin Baby" (Chris Doyle, who looks like a cousin of DARKMAN), the supernatural actor who built the apartment complex and stays alive by killing the residents for the past six decades. This is the part that is woefully underwritten and spoils the finale of the film. It also leaves the film wide open for a sequel. On the plus side, there's the competent acting by the cast, moody murder scenes, some jump-scares and the building itself, which seems to have a life of it's own. Sherri Moon (HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES) has a cameo as the first on-screen victim. This is better than all of Tobe Hooper's recent films, including CROCODILE (2000), THE MANGLER (1995) and NIGHT TERRORS (1993), but no where near as good as his 70's classics. While the film is rated R, the extras on the DVD have deleted scenes which include the extended and much gorier versions of the death scenes, especially the power drill and circular saw murders and an extended scene which shows that Rance Howard's character was probably a ghost. All-in-all, I enjoyed this little diversion into depravity and you will too if your hopes aren't set too high. A Lions Gate Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

TOOTH AND NAIL (2007) - In this post-apocalyptic horror film (originally one of eight films in the 2007 After Dark Horrorfest), the Earth ceases to function normally, not because of war, disease or famine, but because, as Professor Darwin (Robert Carradine; MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH - 1976) tells us, "We simply ran out of gas." (both figuratively and literally). A group of human survivors, headed by Darwin (Darwin, get it?), make their home in an abandoned hospital, sending out hunting parties every day to search for food and other survivors. On one of their missions, members Viper (Michael Kelly; DAWN OF THE DEAD - 2004), Dakota (Nicole DuPort) and Ford (Rider Strong; CABIN FEVER - 2002), discover a female survivor named Neon (Rachel Miner; PENNY DREADFUL - 2006) passed-out in an abandoned building, her boyfriend dead thanks to a Rover, a member of a nomadic tribe of cannibalistic humans who munch on the flesh of any survivors they find. Neon is brought back to the hospital, where she is nursed back to health and proves to be an intelligent addition to the ragtag group (She is able to fix the water purification system, which was previously thought to be beyond repair). Neon (yeah, most of the non-cannibal characters for some reason have the names of automobile makers and models) is not trusted by some members of the group (especially Viper and Ford) and when Professor Darwin is murdered by some unknown person swinging a mean meat cleaver and his body ends up missing, the question soon becomes: Who is responsible? Is it someone from their own group or is it the Rovers, who are after Neon for some, as yet, unknown reason? The leader of the Rovers, Jackal (Michael Madsen; SPECIES - 1995, who lately seems to take any role offered him), has his cannibal comrades, including second-in-command Mongrel (Vinnie Jones; THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN - 2008), surround the hospital and begin killing the survivors one-by-one, starting with Yukon (Zack Rubidas), who is repeatedly whacked in the back with Jackal's double-bladed axe. The survivors elect Neon as their new leader (much to Ford's objections) since she has dealt with the Rovers before. They should have listened to Ford, because Neon is actually a member (possibly even the leader) of the Rovers. She begins separating the survivors so the other Rovers can kill them. The fight for survival is extreme, but Dakota fights back using a bow and arrow until she faces-off with Neon in the finale. May the best bitch win!  This is a well-made, but bland, low-budget horror film that doesn't offer anything new or radically different from any other low-budget horror film. Director/screenwriter/editor Mark Young (SOUTHERN GOTHIC - 2006) must have blown the budget on Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones and Robert Carradine's paychecks, because the majority of the film is nothing but people running, hiding, talking and dying throughout the hospital's dingy corridors and rooms. While the blood flows rather freely, the gore effects are standard fare, including a meat cleaver to the head (one of the oldest and easiest effects to pull off), a baseball bat full of nails to the cranium, an axe to the back, impalement by spear, acid thrown in a face, an arrow piercing an eye and gunshots to a torso. It's like director Young and producers Jonathan Sachar and Patrick Durham (who both appear as members of the Rovers) just got done watching the terrible SOV pseudo-documentary SPLATTER: THE ARCHITECTS OF FEAR (1986) and decided to remake the film-within-the-film that SPLATTER pretended to document, even copying many of the gore effects that fake film had! While the acting here is OK (although it's obvious that Madsen, Jones and Carradine were probably only available for a day's-worth of shooting time), the film just plods along until it's "surprise" reveal, which anyone with half a brain could see coming a mile away. The dialogue contains such embarrassing exchanges like: Dakota: "I'm going to kill you!" Neon: "Not if I eat you first!" or this monologue between a cannibal and his rumbling stomach: "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We'll be eating in a couple of hours. Nice, tasty meat! Yum, yum!" so be prepared to shake you head in disbelief every now and then. There's not much to recommend here unless you're a fan of generic stalk 'n' slash material, although I have to admit that the finale, where Dakota comes up with a novel way to defeat the Rovers, did take me by surprise. Filmed in Philadelphia, PA. Also starring Alexandra Barreto, Emily Young, Kevin E. Scott, Beverly Hynds and Bill Duff. A Lionsgate Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

THE TOUCH OF SATAN (1971) - This will forever be known as the horror film that Billy Jack directed. After a brutal pitchfork murder of an old prospector in a barn, we are introduced to the Strickland family, who seem to be harboring some deep, dark secret. Driving into town is young Jodie Thompson (Michael Berry), who is warned by the gas station attendant that a "fromicidal maniac" is on the loose. Jodie stops by a pond to eat lunch and meets Melissa Strickland (Emby Mellay). They strike up a conversation and Melissa invites him home (it's a walnut farm!) for dinner with her family. Melissa's father, Luther (Lee Amber), is wary of Jodie's presence (He says to Melissa, "You didn't 'call' him, did you?") and after dinner, when Jodie accepts Melissa's offer to spend the night, it worries Luther and Melissa's mom, Molly (Yvonne Winslow), even more. It's not long before Jodie and Melissa fall in love, which worries Mom and Pop on even a larger level, as they try to hide the hideously-burned and old (and seemingly insane) family member Lucinda Strickland (Jeanne Gerson) from Jodie, but she sneaks into his bedroom and warns him to "Go away!" Lucinda's old, burned face scares Jodie, but Melissa explains that her great-grandmother is harmless. It's quite clear that all is not right with the Strickland family, especially with Melissa, when we see her go into Lucinda's room and she calls her "my sister". There's also talk between Mom and Pop that Jodie may be "the one" and Melissa says, "We'll have to wait and see". After a trip to town, where all the people stare at the couple, Melissa reveals to Jodie that she is a witch, but he doesn't believe her. She takes him to a secret cabin in the woods, where she goes to practice her craft. Lucinda gets loose and murders a snooping cop (Lew Horn) with a baling hook. Luther locks Jodie in the barn after he sees the cop's bloody body. Jodie agrees to keep his mouth shut as long as Melissa leaves with him tomorrow, which triggers a flashback that tells the Strickland's backstory. During the early 19th Century, Lucinda was being burned as a witch when sister Melissa makes a deal with the Devil (who speaks in a voice that sounds eerily similar to Melissa's) to save her. Melissa never grows old but, this being a deal with the Devil, Lucinda continues to age but not die. Melissa hopes that Jodie will be the one that is able to break this spell. She makes love to Jodie and turns old in front of his eyes. Melissa is finally free of the spell, but Jodie makes a deal with the Devil (who sounds eerily like Jodie) to make her young again. The Devil wins every time.  It doesn't take a genius to figure out what is going on here, but director Tom Laughlin, old BILLY JACK himself (this film was made the same year as Laughlin's breakout hit), using the pseudonym "Don Henderson" (the same name he used to direct the sexploitation films THE BABYSITTER [1969] and it's sequel WEEKEND WITH THE BABYSITTER [1970]), films everything with a sense of loneliness and dread, as if something bad could happen at any time. This GP-rated (later PG) film is fairly bloody in spots (when the cop is killed, the blood flows rather freely), but that wasn't uncommon in 70's horror cinema (just look at 1970's BLOOD AND LACE, which may be the goriest PG film ever made). What is unusual in a film like this is the long, 360 degree tracking shot that Laughlin utilizes just after the cop is killed. The camera spins in a circle, but stays focused on Melissa's worried face, as we hear Molly and Luther clean up the crime scene. It's quite an effective sequence that conveys a lot of emotion. Joe Blasco (ILSA: SHE-WOLF OF THE SS - 1974) has one of his earliest special makeup effects credits here. His old-age burn makeup on Lucinda is excellent as are his other gore effects. While this is a slow-moving horror film, patient viewers will be rewarded. This use to play constantly on TV during the 70's and early 80's and then just disappeared until MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 gave it the full comedy treatment. It can be found in that form on Volume 5 of their DVD collection from Rhino Home Video. Unfortunately, they do not offer the unedited version on the DVD.That version can be found on a long OOP VHS tape from King Of Video (later Paragon Home Video). Also known as THE CURSE OF MELISSA and TOUCH OF MELISSA.  Also starring Robert Easton, Hal K. Dawson, Frank Jansen, Sharon Crabtree and John J. Fox. Rated PG.

TOURIST TRAP (1978) - Here's one of the creepiest PG-rated horror flicks ever made, thanks to Chuck Connor's over-the-top performance, a house full of the scariest mannequins you will ever see this side of Filene's Basement and a music score that is guaranteed to get under your skin and make you twitch like a junkie high on smack. The film opens with Woody (Keith McDermott) rolling a spare tire in need of air down a dirt road until he gets to a rundown gas station/museum called "Slausen's Lost Oasis And Old West Museum" in the middle of nowhere. Woody's girlfriend, Eileen (Robin Sherwood), waits by the car when three of her friends, Jerry (Jon Van Ness; HOSPITAL MASSACRE - 1981), Becky (Tanya Roberts; FORCED ENTRY - 1975) and Molly (Jocelyn Jones; THE GREAT TEXAS DYNAMITE CHASE - 1976), drive by and rescue her and then go looking for Woody, who enters the dilapidated museum, hears what sounds like female moaning and decides to investigate. Poor Woody, he didn't stand a chance. He enters a back room, is attacked by a bunch of cackling mannequins (whose mouths open and close in the most frightening way) and all the objects in the room either shake or fly through the air, including a piece of lead pipe, which impales Woody through his back and he dies (as blood flows out of the open end of the pipe). Jerry and his friends arrive at Slausen's Lost Oasis (all of them missing the "Closed To The Public" sign with a live vulture roosting on it!) and their Jeep suddenly goes on the fritz (since this movie was made before cell phones and their lack of signals, the "car failing to start" routine was the most popular convenient inconvenience in horror films), but the girls find a beautiful waterfall and lake a few hundred yard away and decide to go skinny-dipping, only to be interrupted by a smiling, shotgun-toting Mr. Slausen (Chuck Connors; THE MAD BOMBER - 1972), who seems to take a keen interest in Molly, the most prim and proper of the three girls, and to warn them to leave the area before it gets dark (the lake fills up with deadly water moccasins at nighttime). Mr. Slausen drives Jerry and the girls to his museum, where Eileen asks about all the lifelike mannequins that litter the place. Mr. Slausen explains that they were all created by his brother, who was lured away to the big city ("He's out there still making dummies for one of them wax museums.") and shows them the intricate mechanics of one of the Old West mannequins. When Mr. Slausen and Jerry go to fix his Jeep, Eileen finds that the phone doesn't work (Slausen says, "I ain't got nobody to call."), so she decides to check out Slausen's home (which is separate from the museum) all by herself to look for another phone (big mistake). She discovers a house full of mannequins and one that is dressed as Woody, who telekinetically strangles Eileen with a scarf while all the objects in the room shatter or fly through the air. It's quite obvious by now that Mr. Slausen is hiding a deadly secret and when he returns to the museum without Jerry and starts talking about his dearly departed wife (he keeps an eerie wax likeness of her in the museum and she looks somewhat like Molly), it's clear that he has more than one screw loose (When he goes to the house to find Eileen, he discovers she has been turned into a mannequin). What is the secret of Slausen's Lost Oasis and what power does Mr. Slausen have that lets him control the mannequins? More people will die before the secret is revealed, but will anyone survive and will they be sane?  Since this film is a fine example of style over substance (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE's Robert A. Burns handled the effective Art Direction and Pino Donnagio [CARRIE - 1976] the unforgettable music score that is punctuated with creepy "oohs" and "ahhs"), TOURIST TRAP, the first directorial feature film by David Schmoeller (CRAWLSPACE - 1986; CURSE IV: THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE - 1988; PUPPET MASTER - 1989; NETHERWORLD - 1991), who also co-wrote the screenplay with Producer J. Larry Carroll (THE DAY TIME ENDED - 1979), is full of atmospheric shocks and unforgettable visuals (especially those weirdly-jointed mannequin heads), but not much story. It's basically nothing more than a bunch of young adults being stalked by the demented Mr. Slausen, who, for some reason, has strong telekinetic powers and wants to turn the interlopers into his own personal mannequins (It all stems from Slausen finding his wife and brother "whoring together" and killing them both). Charles Band (who is Executive Producer here) was quite capable of turning-out perfectly watchable horror films (CRASH! - 1977; LASERBLAST - 1978) before he became obsessed with killer puppets and dolls. Maybe TOURIST TRAP was his first film to fuel that obsession. Either way, it's a good, skin-crawling way to spend 90 minutes. Originally available on VHS by Media Home Entertainment and a widescreen DVD release by Cult Video. Rated PG, but don't let that turn you off. There are some perverted pleasures to be had here, including a rather bloody hatchet-to-the-head, fleeting glimpses of female nudity and, dear lord, those fucking creepy mannequins..

TOXIC ZOMBIES (1980) - Lame-brained, low budget 16mm feature that contains all the standard horror film cliches. The government sprays a marijuana crop deep in the Pennsylvania mountains with an experimental herbicide, turning the harvesters and the cropduster pilot into flesh-eating zombies. The harvesters terrorize and devour anyone who crosses their path, including a camping family complete with a retarded son (was that really necessary?), some stupid locals and a government agent (Charles Austin) on a fishing trip with his wife and brother. The agent and his family hook-up with the retarded boy and his sister and try to stay one step ahead of the zombified potheads. Good luck. Since pot smoking leads to the munchies, this group of braindead harvesters will do anything for a good human meal. Poor in every department, this film is a good example on how not to make a movie. Bad acting, jittery camerawork, lame dialogue, lamer jokes (e.g. Q: How do you know you're in a Polish bank? A: You give them a toaster and they give you $500.) and slipshod direction make this an extremely hard film to watch. The only noticable face is that of John Amplas from George Romero's MARTIN (1977), who has a small role here as a government agent instrumental in having the herbicide applied in secrecy and trying to cover up the aftermath. There are some bloody effects, such as a hand being chopped off, multible stabbings and spilled innards, but they're nothing to write home about. TOXIC ZOMBIES is also available on video under the titles BLOODEATERS, CRYING FIELDS and FOREST OF FEAR. If this film is supposed to be a parable on the adverse effects of pot smoking, it didn't work. I had to smoke a joint just to get through this mess. Bummer, man! Directed, Produced and Written by one-shot wonder Charles McCrann who, unfortunately, lost his life in the collapse of the Twin Towers due to the terrorist attack of September 11, 2001. A Videatrics Home Video Release. Rated R.

TRACK OF THE MOONBEAST (1972) - MOONBEAST is a film that is forever etched in my mind thanks to its’ many TV showings during the 70’s. Unfortunately, it’s pretty bad. A fragment of a meteorite lodges into the head of a mineralogist (Chase Cordell), turning him into a bloodthirsty black lizard monster (played by future makeup master Joe Blasco) whenever the moon is full. His understandably upset girlfriend (Donna Leigh Drake) and American Indian friend (Gregorio Sala) try to find a cure for him before he explodes (don’t ask!). They don’t succeed. This regional film (made in the Nevada desert) does not have much going in its’ favor as there are long stretches of boring dialogue, plenty of bad acting and make-up effects that can best be described as amateurish. The transformation scenes are a series of poorly-staged dissolves and the carnage is phony-looking. The video copy I viewed was severely cut, suggesting that it was an edited TV version. What is seen is a camper having his arm ripped off and various bloody faces. Oh well. Another childhood memory shot to hell. Directed by Dick Ashe, who was the first assistant director of A PLACE CALLED TODAY (1972) and second assistant director of DIARY OF A MAD HOUSEWIFE (1970). TRACK OF THE MOONBEAST was his only directorial effort. One can see why after viewing it. A Prism Entertainment Home Video Release. Not Rated.

TRAILER PARK OF TERROR (2008) - When Norma (Nichole Hiltz, who bears a striking resemblance to Jaime Pressly), the anti-heroine of this film, screams out "Get me out of this hellhole!" after her new boyfriend is viciously murdered by three filthy louts at the Tophet Meadows Trailer Park, you really feel her pain. The fact that it happens in the first eight minutes of the film makes you aware that the rest of the film has a lot to live up to and I'm glad to report that this may just become a modern day classic of the macabre. In the first eight minutes we get to know Norma and her surroundings. She is a used and abused piece of trailer trash who dreams of meeting the right guy and finally getting out of the trailer park for good. A trailer park so dirty, colorless and populated by society's rejects, it's actually a step down from living in Hell. So when Norma's last chance at a normal life is murdered (her new boyfriend is tossed into a wrought iron fence and is impaled through his chest) by the trailer park's unholy trio of white trash, Marv (Lew Temple), Roach (Myk Watford) and Stank (Ed Corbin), she heads out on foot for the open highway and meets a mysterious man in black cowboy duds (Country Music star Trace Adkins), who may be the Devil himself (when we first see him, he is pissing acid in a field and the bed of his red pickup truck is full of snakes). He uses her fragile state of mind to his advantage and she makes a deal with him to "get even with the world". He hands Norma a shotgun and she walks back to the trailer park, shoots everyone and then blows up the trailer park (herself included) in a propane explosion. That all happened in 1981 and ever since that fateful day, a rash of missing persons have been reported in the area. In the present day, a busload of juvenile delinquents on their way back from Jesus Camp (after having their souls "saved") are trapped in the area when wise-ass teen Alex (Ryan Carnes) causes the bus to get into an accident during a violent thunderstorm, forcing the teens and their pastor chaperone to seek shelter in the Tophet Meadows Trailer Park, which miraculously looks unchanged since it's 1981 pre-explosion. They are all greeted by Norma, who regales them with tales from her and the trailer park's past and then hits on the pastor. Goth chick Bridget (Jeanette Brox), the only teen on the bus who thinks it's a bad idea to spend the night at the trailer park, instantly recognizes Norma for what she really is, since Bridget also use to be a whore and shares more of Norma's traits than she cares to admit to. It turns out that all of the former residents of the trailer park are also back as undead flesh-hungry zombies and the teens and their pastor will experience true terror and death before daylight arrives, using their vices, hidden desires and weaknesses as a means for their undoing. Only Bridget survives the night, but as she leaves Tophet Meadows (which is now a burned-out shell), the mysterious man in black appears, gives the camera a sly wink and then disappears.  Director Steven Goldmann, an award-winning Country Music video director (which explains Trace Adkins involvement here [he also sings the film's closing tune, "Welcome To Hell"]), has made a winner here, thanks to a cast of trailer park residents who actually look the part. While Timothy Dolan's screenplay (based on the Imperium Comics series of the same name) offers us the standard teen characters (pothead, sex addict, porn addict, smart aleck, etc.), it's the residents of the trailer park that really sells the film. They are the skuzziest and dankest characters in recent memory and that's even before their zombie transformation. While the middle section bogs down to introduce us to the teens and their idiosyncrasies, the pace quickly picks up once they get to Tophet Meadows and the gore literally explodes on the screen. Some of the gore on view: Norma ripping off the pastor's head while they are making love; a zombified Miss China (Michelle Lee), the park's resident "massage therapist" (i.e. whore), walking on one teen's upper torso until his rib cage and spinal column burst out his back; a girl getting her arm cut off with a portable band saw while she is tripping on drugs and then running into Larlene (Trish Rae Stahl), the park's extremely overweight meat-hungry female, who rips open the poor girl's stomach and begins chowing-down on her innards; and Stank, who forces Alex and another teen girl to make a snuff film (Alex is then skinned alive and deep-fried!). While the film does go overboard at times, especially with Roach and the songs he composes on his electric guitar (but, damn, the songs are funny!), the effects are top-notch and the humor is extremely black. Why this film went directly to video and bypassed a theatrical release is beyond me. It's so much better than the SAW franchise and 99% of all the other horror films that play in theaters today. Also starring Haley Marie Norman, Stefanie Black, Ricky McCabe, Duane Whitaker and cameos by Pricilla Barnes as Norma's slut mother (who, in flashback, gets a bullet in her brainpan when she refuses to insert an object up her ass in one of Stank's homemade "porno" films) and Tracey Walter as an old trucker. Available on widescreen DVD from Summit Entertainment. Unrated.

TRICK OR TREAT (1986) - Metalhead high-schooler Eddie "Ragman" Weinbauer (Marc Price) worships rocker Sammi Curr (Tony Fields). So much, in fact, that he writes him fan letters every day and has a poster of him on the wall facing his bed, so Sammi is the last thing he sees every night before he closes his eyes. Sammi is also the most famous person to ever graduate from Eddie's high school, the same school that Eddie suffers through five days a week, thanks to jock Tim Hainey (a baby-faced Doug Savant of TV's MELROSE PLACE and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES) and his gang, who mercilessly torture Eddie every chance they get (At one point, Tim throws a naked Eddie into the girls' gymnasium during volleyball practice and locks the door behind him). Eddie also secretly pines for pretty fellow classmate Leslie Graham (Lisa Orgolini), but she barely notices him. Sammi is supposed to to give a Halloween concert at the high school, but the local tight-asses and politically correct politicians ban him from performing, calling his act "rock pornography". When Sammi dies in a hotel fire, Eddie becomes more withdrawn, tearing down all the posters off his bedroom wall. Eddie's friend, radio DJ Nuke (Gene Simmons), sees that Eddie is having a rough time dealing with Sammi's death, so he gives him a one-of-a-kind acetate LP of Sammi's last recording, made hours before his death. At a pool party, Tim and his goons shove a bench weight down Eddie's pants and throw him in the pool. Leslie has to jump in to save him from drowning and as he leaves the party, he vows to Leslie that he is going to get even with Tim and his friends. That opportunity comes later that night when Eddie plays the acetate on his turntable and he hears a message when he plays the album backwards. Eddie's luck seems to change overnight. At school the next day, Eddie plays a prank on Tim and gets away with it. This change in luck comes with a steep price, though. The more Eddie plays the album, the darker the messages become and Eddie slowly changes into a person ten times worse that Tim. Wherever Eddie goes, bad things happen to those around him. As more and more people end up hurt (Tim's girlfriend Geenie [Elise Richards] is supernaturally undressed and has her brain fried when she listens to a copy of the acetate that Eddie transferred to cassette tape), Eddie begins to see the error of his ways. The acetate is a vessel for Sammi's return from the dead and Eddie finally realizes that his hero is nothing more than a murderous supernatural psychopath. Eddie has to destroy the acetate and the cassette copy he made in order to send Sammi back to Hell. That's not going to be as easy as it sounds, especially since Eddie's best friend Roger (Glen Morgan) told him he destroyed the tape, but really didn't. Oh, and did I mention that Nuke has a copy of the acetate and plans on playing it on his radio program on Halloween Night?  This is one of many 80's rock 'n' roll horror films (TERROR ON TOUR - 1980; ROCKTOBER BLOOD - 1984; BLOOD TRACKS - 1985; HARD ROCK ZOMBIES - 1985; ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE - 1987; SLAUGHTERHOUSE ROCK - 1987; BLACK ROSES - 1988) and, besides some stunt casting (Gene Simmons, who is surprisingly good; Ozzy Osbourne as the anti-rock, fire-and-brimstone Reverend Aaron Gilstrom, who is simply terrible), this flick is pretty entertaining. Those expecting a comedy will be severely disappointed, as director (and actor) Charles Martin Smith (FIFTY/FIFTY - 1992) plays everything relatively straight, which adds some punch to the horror scenes. Marc Price ("Skippy" on the popular 80's comedy TV series FAMILY TIES and the star of the awful horror/comedy LITTLE DEVILS: THE BIRTH - 1993) is very good as the much put-upon Eddie. Much of the film lays on his shoulders and he manages to rise to the occasion. While not very bloody, TRICK OR TREAT does contain some good horror set-pieces, including Tim getting his tie caught in a spinning lathe, Eddie's ride in a possessed automobile and Sammi's appearance at the high school's Halloween party, which turns into a CARRIE-inspired slaughter as Sammi begins zapping students with his guitar. This film actually got a theatrical release, thanks to the then-fear by idiotic parents and "protectors of society" that heavy metal music was destroying our youth by forcing them to commit suicide with hidden messages within the music. This film did not lay those fears to rest. (When I was a kid, it was the whole Beatles' "Paul Is Dead" debacle and he's still alive!), Director Charles Martin Smith has a small role as Mr. Wimbly, the school's principal, who gets zapped by Sammi at the Halloween party. Glen Morgan, who plays Eddie's geeky friend Roger, would later go on to become a successful writer/producer/director, working on the TV series THE X-FILES and MILLENNIUM, as well as directing the remakes of WILLARD (2003) and BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006). Tony Fields, who plays Sammi, was a professional dancer who appeared in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and "Beat It" music videos. He died of complications due to AIDS in 1995. The original heavy metal tunes were composed and performed by music group Fastway. One visual joke has a theater showing a film called "Lunch Of The Dead". I wonder if Wes Craven got the idea for SHOCKER (1989) after watching this film, since both films use electricity and electrical appliances as conduits for their villains? Not to be confused with Gary Graver's similarly monikered TRICK OR TREATS (1982). Also starring Elaine Joyce, Richard Pachorek, Clare Nono and Alice Nunn. Originally released on VHS by Lorimar Home Video and available on fullscreen DVD from budget outfit Platinum Productions. Rated R.

TRICK 'R TREAT (2007) - There hasn't been a good Halloween-themed horror movie (that isn't a sequel or remake) in over thirty years. TRICK 'R TREAT just may be that movie. The film opens with Henry (Tahmoh Penikett) and wife Emma (Lesley Bibb; THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN - 2008) returning home from a party on Halloween night. Henry wants to go inside, put on a porno tape and have sex, but all Emma wants to do is remove all the Halloween decorations from the front yard before her mother comes for a visit the following morning (She says, "I hate Halloween!" as she pulls sheets off the crucifix-like poles in the front yard.). While Henry is in the house getting in the mood with the porn tape (just like a man, he falls asleep), Emma is attacked and killed by someone (or something) hiding in one of the sheets. When the porn tapes ends and Henry wakes up, he goes outside to look for Emma, only to find her tied to one of the crucifixes with an oversized pumpkin lollipop shoved in her mouth. The opening credits rolls (a series of comic book panels giving us a graphic representation of things to come) and we are taken back to earlier in the night to the town of Warren Valley, Ohio, where we watch young boy Peeping Tommy (Quinn Lord, whose presence in this film holds huge ramifications for everyone involved) spying on four girls, "virgin" Laurie (Anna Paquin; TRUE BLOOD), Janet (Moneca Delain), Maria (Rochelle Aytes) and Danielle (Lauren Lee Smith), who are in changing rooms at a store putting on their costumes and talking about coming to Warren Valley (a city which takes the Halloween spirit very seriously) for the express purpose of picking up guys (or, in Maria's case, a girl). We then switch to overweight bully Charlie (Brett Kelly), who likes to smash the neighbors' pumpkins and steal their candy. When he gets caught stealing candy at Principal Steven Wilkins' house, Steven (Dylan Baker; FIDO - 2006) makes Charlie sit down on the front stairs while he carves a pumpkin and tells him a story from his childhood, the moral of it being "Always check your candy." Charlie begins projectile vomiting (Steven spiked his candy with poison) and Steven drags Charlie's near-lifeless body into the house, almost getting caught by some young trick-or-treaters. Steven then dumps Charlie's still-not-dead body in a grave he dug in his backyard, but he is constantly interrupted by his young son Billy (Connor Levins), cranky Halloween-hating neighbor Mr. Kreeg (Brian Cox; RED - 2008; under heavy old-age makeup) and Kreeg's nosy dog Spite (Steven cuts one of Charlie's fingers off with a shovel and feeds it to the dog!). Steven finally finishes Charlie off and buries him (this is apparently not the first time he has killed a child) and then notices Mr. Kreeg screaming for help through his window, but he ignores him and brings Billy down to the basement, where they make a jack-o-lantern out of a decapitated woman's head! It gets stranger, folks. We then follow four young trick-or-treaters, Chip (Alberto Ghisi), Schrader (Jean-Luc Bilodeau), Macy (Britt McKillip) and Sara (Isabelle Deluce), as they go on their rounds stealing pumpkins (for a ceremony involving a school bus full of children who drowned in a lake years earlier) and playing a practical joke on Rhonda The Retard (Samm Todd), who is actually an idiot savant that likes to carve pumpkins and has an encyclopedic knowledge about the origins of Halloween. Meanwhile, someone dressed in an executioner's costume and sporting vampire fangs is killing the residents of Warren Valley and no one notices because this town's interest in Halloween goes way beyond what we would call "normal". It may seem that there are too many stories here to maintain one's interest, but they all manage to intersect in the most interesting and unusual ways, making this film one of the most satisfying horror films to come down the pike in quite a while.  It's hard to believe that this film sat on a shelf for two years before eventually being released on DVD, but director/screenwriter Michael Dougherty (co-writer of URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY [2005]; this is his first feature film as a director, but I see many more in his future) has nothing to be ashamed of here. This was supposed to get a theatrical release (there were books, comics, action figures and other merchandise commissioned to coincide with its release), but the boneheads at Warner Bros. chickened out, probably because this Vancouver, B.C.-lensed film doesn't shy away from showing children being killed, mutilated or constantly put in danger. That's a shame, because TRICK 'R TREAT is a modern day cult classic of the macabre. Not only are children victims here, they are also villains (I won't spoil it for you by giving away particulars, except to say that the final story, involving Mr. Kreeg, is one of the scariest/funniest pieces of cinema I have had the pleasure to watch). Dougherty imbibes all his stories here with a palpable sense of dread, a heavy dose of atmosphere and a wicked sense of humor. I'm not going to spoil the film more than I already have but, needless to say, I haven't been this entertained by a recent horror in many a moon. My highest recommendation. Produced by Bryan Singer (THE USUAL SUSPECTS - 1995; SUPERMAN RETURNS - 2006). A Warner Premiere DVD Release. Rated R.

THE TRIPPER (2006) - If you hate hippies, this is the film for you. In 1967, a young boy with a terminally ill mother watches helplessly as his logger father is arrested for pulling a pistol on a bunch of hippie tree-huggers who are blocking the progress of a logging operation. The young boy then grabs a chainsaw and attacks the leader of the protestors, nearly cutting his head off (in graphic detail) before the police grab him and cart him away. Forty years later, a bunch of modern-day young adults, who adhere to the hippie lifestyle, are driving through the same section of the forest when a dog darts out in front of their van, nearly causing an accident. Ivan (Lucas "Did you fly in with those ears?" Haas; WITNESS - 1985; SOLARBABIES - 1986) steps out of the van to take a leak and three guys in a pickup truck bust a beer bottle over his head and speed off. After some homemade stitches are applied to his scalp (in graphic detail) to close the wound, the pseudo-hippies drive to the next gas station, where they have a run-in with the same three rednecks in the pickup, led by Muff (director David Arquette). After a small scuffle where troubled hippie chick Samantha (Jaime King; BULLETPROOF MONK - 2003) is nearly raped by Muff, slow-witted gas station attendant Gus (Chris Nelson: THE RAGE - 2007) steps in and breaks Muff's arm (in graphic detail). The hippies continue on their way to the Free Love festival, a yearly outdoor music and drug gathering of hippie types run by huckster Frank Baker (a hilarious turn by Paul Ruebens). This year the festival, which has had a troubled history (people end up missing while attending it), is being held in the same patch of woods where the boy killed the tree-hugger forty years earlier. After being warned by Sheriff Buzz Hall (Thomas Jane; THE MIST - 2007) and a lumberjack named Dylan (Redmond Gleeson) to mind their manners and to stay away from the local pot farmers' booby-trapped fields, the hippies camp out in the woods in preparation for the festival. Not long afterward, someone in a Ronald Reagan mask begins killing the festival's hippie guests in various bloody ways (in graphic detail). Samantha believes that her abusive straight-laced ex-boyfriend Jimmy (Balthazar Getty) has followed her to the festival and wants to kill her and her friends for using drugs on a regular basis. Could he be the hippie killer or is the problem more localized? You have to watch the film to find out, but I believe most readers of this site have a good idea who the killer is.  Deftly directed by twitchy actor David Arquette (SCREAM - 1996; RAVENOUS - 1999) and populated with plenty of recognizable actors (most of them appearing as a favor to Arquette), including Jason Mewes (as a drug-taking hippie, what else?), Rick Overton (as the town's crooked mayor) and Arquette's wife Courtney Cox (in a funny cameo at the end), THE TRIPPER offers a nice mix of comedy and graphic horror. Setting it among the modern-day retro hippie subculture was also a nice touch (screenplay by Arquette and Joe Harris) that allows for a few trip-out scenes, full-frontal nudity (of both sexes), drug use of nearly every kind (including huffing glue and inhaling nitrous oxide from a balloon) and plenty of tie-dyed outfits. The violence is brutal, especially in the Unrated DVD edition, as the Ronald Reagan killer lops off heads and hands, disembowels a man and pulls out his intestines, catches people in bear traps and stabs them repeatedly. Some of the comedy is inspired (Samantha's clean-cut ex-boyfriend Jimmy's vanity plates reads REDST8S) and Paul Reubens is a hoot as the foul-mouthed festival promoter, whose favorite word is "fuck" (he also suffers the most bloody and funny death in the finale, which sets up the film for a sequel). The biggest laugh I had was when the Ronald Reagan killer murders Jimmy with an axe and Jimmy's last words are, "But I'm a Republican!" You also gotta love a killer that screams out "Nancy!" or quips "Well, there you go again!" while killing the game cast and, believe it or not, although the screenplay is politically motivated, George W. Bush is treated rather fairly. Oh, sure, he takes some hits, but he has his defenders also among the hippie crowd. THE TRIPPER is a good old-fashioned slasher flick that is helped immensely by the unusual setting and a biting political script (Why the killer adopts the Reagan personae is especially original). This film is fun and I hope Arquette continues to direct. I always thought there was something "off" about the man (face it, he's always come off as slightly crazy, but not the dangerous kind) and this film highlights that offness to perfect effect. Also starring Richmond Arquette, Paz de la Huerta, Ben Gardiner, Josh Hammond, Brad Hunt, Stephen Heath and Marsha Thompson. Distributed on DVD by Arquette and his wife's own label, Coquette Productions. Unrated for all the right reasons.

TROLL 2 (1990) - If there has been a worse film than this one released on video, I haven't seen it. You'll laugh with amazement as you witness some of the poorest acting, inane dialogue (when the sister kicks her boyfriend in the nads, he says, "What are you trying to do, turn me into a homo?"!!!!) and cruddiest special effects ever committed to celluloid in this Italian-made film masquerading as an American product. A family moves to the town of Nilbog (spell it backwards) where all the folks are vegetarians. The folks are actually goblins and they try to get the family to eat their special brand of foodstuffs that will turn them into plants which the goblins plan to eat. The boy, along with the spectre of his dead grandfather, has to come up with ways to stop his family from eating the food. In one instance, he pisses on the food to stop them from devouring it. Oh boy! Need I say more? Director Claudio Fragasso hides under the pseudonym "Drake Floyd" for this mess. He has made a lot of horror films in his life (MONSTER DOG - 1985; ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH - 1988), but nothing comes close to this escrutiating poor piece of crap. It has nothing to do with the original TROLL (1986 - a film undeserving of a sequel) and the word "troll" is not mentioned once in the screenplay. There is a surprising amount of ridiculous violence for a PG-13 rated film, but nothing you haven't seen done a hundred times before. Starring unknowns Michael Stephenson, George Hardy, Margo Prey, Robert Ormsby and Connie McFarland. They should stay unknown.  European exploitation staple Laura Gemser (TRAP THEM AND KILL THEM aka EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS - 1977) did the costumes. All the ice in the world cannot take the stink off this pitiful film. This film has achieved the kind of reverence usually reserved for films like ROCKY HORROR. There are original songs, poems and websites devoted solely to it. Don't ask me why. I don't get it. Believe it or not Joe D'Amato made a second sequel called TROLL 3 - THE SWORD OF POWER (1991). An Epic/Columbia Tristar Home Video Release. Rated PG-13.

2001 MANIACS (2004) - This remake of Hershell Gordon Lewis' early gore film TWO THOUSAND MANIACS (1964) delivers on the gore but does not improve on the plot of the original (which, in turn, was a loose retelling of the musical film BRIGADOON - 1954). If fact, the plot is a step down from the original. For the uninitiated, the plot tells the story of a group of Northern tourists (the remake makes it college kids on their way to Daytona for Spring Break) who are tricked into visiting the Southern town of Pleasant Valley, which is really a ghost town that comes back to life one day every year to get revenge on the decendants of Yankees who slaughtered them during the Civil War more than 150 years ago. That's basically the plot in a nutshell. The new version finds the town's mayor (Robert Englund) and matriarch (Lin Shaye) holding a jubilee in the new visitors' honor, the visitors not realizing that they are the main course. Most of them die horrible, gory deaths. One girl is drawn and quartered, her flesh then cooked and eaten by her unsuspecting friends during lunch. One guy is made to drink acid through a tube while having sex with a local, his torso opening up as his guts spill out while the acid burns a hole through the bed. Another girl has a giant iron bell dropped on her, crushing her body to a bloody pulp. Another guy is crushed under a giant press so hard that his eyes fly out of their sockets. The only gay guy in the group has a giant skewer shoved so far up his ass that the end comes out of his mouth. A local girl bites the dick off another guy after putting pointy metal teeth in her mouth. The last two surviving kids must try to escape the murderous cannibal Southeners before thay too end up as meals on the picnic tables. In an ironic ending (different from the original because audiences today probably won't "understand" a happy ending), the kids get away on a motorcycle but meet one final booby trap as they escape.  Director Tim Sullivan (DRIFTWOOD - 2006) up the gore quotient from the original (and really pushes the film's R-rating), but fails when it comes to building any tension between and during the murders. There's some inventive touches here and there (such as the scene of the group playing a twisted game of horseshoes), but they eventually lead nowhere. It seems that they were put there just to chew up time. Speaking of chewing, Robert Englund eats up the scenery with his role (as does Lin Shaye), but the the kids are bland and unbelievable in their roles as the horny college students who are more interested in getting laid than to notice what the hell is going on around them. I also didn't like all the heavy metal music on the soundtrack (another trend in recent horror films). It seems out-of-place considering the circumstances and ill-conceived. The use of an updated version of H.G. Lewis' song ("The South's Gonna Rise Again") from the original film is also a dud. All-in-all, I like the original film much, much better than this remake, even if this one had better lead actors, bloodier effects (although this one didn't contain the notorious barrel-roll scene of the original) and a bigger budget. The original had an air of desperation and dread (probably because they were working with relatively no money and had to improvise) that this remake is so sorely missing. If you are purely into gore, 2001 MANIACS will be a grand time for you. Otherwise, just skip it. Also starring Jay Gillespie, Guiseppe Andrews (the stoner cop from CABIN FEVER), Brian Gross, Marla Leigh Malcolm, Gina Marie Heekin, Dylan Edrington, Matthew Carey, Bianca Smith and cameos by Travis Tritt as a redneck gas jockey, Peter Stormare as a college professor and Bill McKinney as the cannibalistic chef. Eli Roth (CABIN FEVER and HOSTEL) and Scott Spiegel (INTRUDER and FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2) are just two of the film's 11 producers (including David F. Friedman, who produced the original) and they both have small acting parts in it also. A Lions Gate Home Entertainment Release. Rated R.

UNDEAD OR ALIVE (2007) - The horror western was a small subgenre throughout the decades (BILLY THE KID VS. DRACULA and JESSE JAMES MEETS FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER [both 1966] being prime bad examples and HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER [1973] being a prime excellent example), until recently, where there has been a huge resurgence. Some examples include LEGEND OF THE PHANTOM RIDER (2000), FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3: THE HANGMAN'S DAUGHTER (2000), DEAD BIRDS (2004), BLOOD TRAIL (2005), BLOODRAYNE 2: DELIVERANCE (2007), COPPERHEAD (2008), THE BURROWERS (2008), HIGH PLAINS INVADERS (2009) and this film, a zombie comedy set in the Old West. Legend has it that before powerful Indian chief Geronimo was killed by soldiers (Major anachronism: Geronimo actually died of pneumonia in 1909!), he created the "White Man's Curse", which turns white men into flesh-craving zombies. Enter stranger Elmer (DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES' James Denton) into some jerkwater unnamed small western town. He gets into a fight with local man Luke (ex-SNL'er Chris Kattan; HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL - 1999) when he hits on Luke's girlfriend, bar floozy Kate (Cristin Michele). Sadistic Sheriff Claypool (Matt Besser) throws Elmer and Luke in jail and in the cell next to them is Ben (Brian Posehn; THE DEVIL'S REJECTS - 2005), a victim of the White Man's Curse who has just eaten the brains of his wife and young daughter and is sentenced to hang the following morning. Elmer and Luke form an uneasy alliance and break out of jail, sticking filthy slob Deputy Cletus (Chris Coppola) in the cell next to Ben, where Ben bites him and Cletus eventually bites the Sheriff. After taking back the money Sheriff Claypool stole from Elmer (and then robbing the Sheriff's safe for good measure), the duo hightail it out of town (their gun skills are so bad, neither of them can hit the side of a barn) and are followed by mystery woman Sue (Navi Rawat; FEAST - 2005). After hanging Ben in the morning (more on that later), Sheriff Claypool and Deputy Cletus (who are now both infected with the White Man's Curse) lead a posse to capture Elmer and Luke, but first they put the bite on their posse and pass the curse on to them. Sue turns out to be Geronimo's niece and takes Luke and Elmer prisoner (she strips them naked and forces them to ride bareback until their balls are raw!), but she eventually joins forces with them to get even with the men who killed her uncle. While Sheriff Claypool and his zombified posse hunt down our trio (where our trio quickly learns that the posse can't be killed with bullets or arrows, not even to their heads), Ben springs back to undead life after his hanging and begins putting the bite on the townspeople, beginning with Kate and trapping the town's Padre (the diminutive Leslie Jordan) in the hotel (he gets so thirsty, he drinks from a spittoon!). When the trio is captured by the U.S. Army (Elmer is an Army deserter), the same people responsible for Geronimo's death, the trio discover that the White Man's Curse is spreading rapidly and the only way to stop it is to dig up Geronimo's body and perform a ritual using his flesh, which may be the only way to save Elmer and Luke, who are now infected.  This zombie comedy (or "Zombedy" as the film's secondary title suggests), directed and written by Glasgow Phillips (his feature film debut), has a few funny and gory scenes, but truth be told, the humor is a little too "modern" for a Western setting, especially Navi Rawat's Sue, a New York educated Indian who is too wise for her years, not to mention more liberated than any woman would be even 100 years later. The film's good points are that the zombies retain their human traits (such as speech and the ability to think) and that simply shooting them in the head doesn't kill them; they must be decapitated to die, which sets up some nifty makeup effects (supplied by maestro Robert Kurtzman), There's also some dodgy CGI on view, especially some obvious computer generated explosions and arterial spray, an all-too-common occurrence in DTV films today. I do have to say, though, that the cure Luke and Elmer find for their affliction is novel (if you can't find Geronimo, eating one of his relatives will do the trick) and Ben reuniting with his family in the finale were nice touches. Not a total success, but not a failure, either, UNDEAD OR ALIVE is a mindless and harmless way to spend 90 minutes. Be sure to stick through the closing credits for some funny outtakes. Also starring Todd Anderson, Ben Zeller, Lew Alexander, Christopher Allen Nelson and T. Jay O'Brien. An Image Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

THE UNDERTAKER (1988) - This is Joe Spinell's final film and, as of this writing, it is still unavailable on VHS or DVD legally. I got this on eBay as a dupe VHS (the quality is good though in what looks like a workprint) and I must say that it's not a high note for any actor to go out on, but it does have it's charms. Spinnell plays Uncle Roscoe, the local mortician and undertaker who kills women to have sex with. His nephew Nicholas (Patrick Askin),who is studying necrophilia in his college anthropology class, catches on to his Uncle's lurid doings and gets his anthropology teacher (Rebecca Yaron) involved in the mess. The whole film is a series of Spinell hunting down women and killing them so they can be sent to his funeral home where he can have his way with their bodies.  Bodies are slit open with straight razors, machetes, hypodermic needles and any other sharp object that is available. Uncle Roscoe catches Nicholas snooping in his things and knocks him out and ties him up next to a bloody dead woman. A local movie theater security guard (played by Associate Producer France Poeta) notices that all the murders resemble the movie that is now playing and deduces that one of the patrons is doing the killings. The police are also involved trying to solve the gory murders. Considering that this is Spinell's final film (and resembles William Lustig's MANIAC [1980] to a certain degree), director Franco de Steffanino fills the films with amateur actors, downright silly situations and a screenplay (by William James Kennedy, who some people think is the actual director and that de Steffanino is just a pseudonym he used) that pushes believability beyond the realm of, well, believability. The main reason for watching this is Joe Spinell's sweaty performance as Roscoe. He is a creepy, ugly man who is incapable of having sex with a living woman. The coroner even tells the police that he found traces of semen on one of the disemboweled woman's intestines! The cop then says: "I think I'm going to be sick!" Roscoe hates all living people calling them hippocrites, bastards, jerks and so forth, while putting on a front when faced with the grieving relatives. When the security guard gets too close to the truth, Roscoe plants a knife in his eye. It's up to Nicholas' teacher to solve the murders and she enlists some college friends and the cops to stop the killings. Roscoe kills both cops (one of them played by Kennedy), putting an ice pick through one's neck and slitting the other's throat, all the while crying and blaming the crimes on Nicholas, whom he says was abused as a child (By him!). He then goes after the teacher in a final showdown and a surprise ending. This film definitely deserves the deluxe treatment just for the simple fact that it is Spinell's final acting gig and there's plenty of blood and guts to satisfy the most discerning gorehound. Shot on a low budget and it shows, but it is entertaining in a weird way. I recommend it but with serious reservations for anyone looking for a coherent plot. Also starring Martha Schoeman, Susan Bachla, Charles Kay-Hume. Max Stone and Joe Hagle. No label available. Not Rated. "Welcome to my parlor, said the spider to the fly."

UNHINGED (1983) - This little-known horror opus deserves to stay unknown. The acting is terrible, the dialogue stilted and no blood is shown until the halfway mark. Three college girls on vacation have an auto accident during a rainstorm and find themselves recuperating in an old mansion ruled by a man-hating matriarch (Virginia Settle) and her spinster daughter (J.E. Penner). After much “plot development”, wherein we find out why Mom despises men (Daddy was caught diddling an 8 year-old girl), one of the college girls tries to walk through the woods to call for a tow truck, only to be hacked to death by an unseen killer carrying a scythe. Another college girl gets a hatchet lodged in her head while she sleeps. The surviving college chick (Laurel Munson) discovers the secret of the house: The spinster daughter is actually a man, hiding his identity from his demented and domineering mother. In the blood-drenched finale, he chops up the surviving college girl with a machete, leaving no survivors. Mediocre in all aspects, especially top-billed Laurel Munson (who wears the same facial expression throughout the film, as if someone let loose a smelly fart), this film offers nothing new to horror fans. Director/producer/co-screenwriter Don Gronquist (who also produced STARK RAVING MAD in 1982) has thankfully not directed another film since. A Lighthouse Home Video Release. Also available on DVD (Why? Why? Why? To make fun of, of course!) from Indie DVD. Unrated due to the gory ending and a scene of body parts in a shed. Don’t waste your time.

UNSEEN EVIL (2001) - Regular readers of this site know that I am a big fan of director Jay Woelfel. His BEYOND DREAM'S DOOR (1988) and GHOST LAKE (2004) are excellent examples of what can be done with talent and very little money. When Mr. Woelfel is in control of his material (i.e writes the screenplay and/or composes the moody music), his films have and edge to them that can't be denied. He falters a bit when he's just a gun for hire, as can be seen in DEMONICUS (2001) and TRANCERS 6 (2002). UNSEEN EVIL falls somewhere in the middle. Richard Hatch portrays Dr. Peter Jensen, a college professor who leads an archeology expedition to an ancient Indian burial ground deep in the California woods. The professor is tired of working for peanuts and decides to raid the tomb of all it's valuable artifacts, which doesn't sit too well with student (and former lover) Kate (Cindi Braun) and female Indian guide Dana (Cindy Pena). To make sure the women don't cause any trouble, Dr. Jensen brings hired muscle Williams (Jere Jon) and Mike (Frank Ruotolo) along to watch his back. What the good doctor doesn't count on is releasing an invisible Indian demon when they open the tomb. The creature (shielded in an invisibility cloak ala PREDATOR) first kills Dana, leaving the rest of our unhappy campers without a guide to find their way home. They manage to make their way back to their van, but the creature disables it as well as giving Williams a nasty leg wound. Meanwhile, pissed-off park ranger Chuck (Tim Thomerson), who Williams knocked out and handcuffed back at his outpost, comes to and goes looking for the group. He finds them and takes control of the situation, but is almost immediately decapitated by the creature. Williams takes the booty and steals the repaired van, leaving Jensen, Kate and Mike to fend for themselves. The rest of the film is just a cat-and-mouse chase between the creature and the remainder of the cast. You dont need ESP to know who is going to live and who is going to bite it.  This is standard monster-on-the-loose stuff elevated every once in a while by some extreme gore. I will admit it was nice to see Richard Hatch (also in Woelfel's IRON THUNDER - 1998) play a bad guy for a change, but the generic script Scott Spears (who was also cinematographer and second unit director) doesn't give Hatch or anyone else in the cast very much to do except run around and be fodder for the creature. The creature is a dodgy CGI creation (as is Thomerson's decapitation) that never looks the least bit frightening, so I guess it's best that it's kept invisible for most of the running time. When will filmmakers learn that CGI is no substitute for good old physical effects? The film does throw in an unusual surprise ending, but it's just a matter of too little too late. This is the kind of film that Roger Corman or Fred Olen Ray churned out on a regular basis during the 80's & 90's. If you liked those, you'll probably like this one, too. I do look forward to Jay Woelfel's latest film (as of this writing) LIVE EVIL (2007), his take on the vampire legend which he also scripted. As I have said before, when Woelfel directs one of his own screenplays, the results are usually special. Also starring Ronnie Rist and Benjamin Cline. Originally filmed as UNSEEN in 1999, but not released until 2001. A Monarch Home Video Release. Rated R.

UP FROM THE DEPTHS (1979) - It's pretty hard to imagine that this pitiful excuse of a monster film actually got a theatrical release back in the day, but what's even harder to imagine is how poorly it turned out considering the talent in front of and behind the camera. An underwater tremor unleashes a bloodthirsty creature that threatens the lives of a small Hawaiian island (actually filmed in the Philippines). When shark heads and other body parts of sea creatures wash ashore on the beach of a once-popular seaside luxury resort owned by Mr. Forbes (Kedric Wolfe), he blames it on the nephew/uncle team of Greg (the late Sam Bottoms; HUNTER'S BLOOD - 1987) and Earl (Virgil Frye; BOBBIE JO AND THE OUTLAW - 1976), who run a charter boat operation that cons the paying customers of Forbes' resort into going on phony underwater treasure hunts. When Forbes' pretty assistant, Rachel (Susanne Reed), witnesses the creature killing one of her friends and can't get Mr. Forbes to believe her, she joins forces with Greg (who witnesses the creature killing one of his rubes [played by Filipino staple Ken Metcalfe]) and ocean biologist Dr. Whiting (Charles Howerton) to find a way to stop the monster from killing more innocent people. Mr. Forbes tries his damnedest to keep word of the deaths from reaching the ears of his customers or the press, but that becomes next to impossible when human body parts begin washing ashore. When the creature attacks and kills several more of the resort's tourists, Mr. Forbes offers $1000 and a week's stay in the Presidential Suite to any tourist who bags the creature. Of course, all the tourists automatically disregard the bloody attack the night before and greedily take to the ocean en masse to kill the monster. When the tourists (Many of them too drunk or too stupid beyond believability) prove not up to the task, Greg uses the now-dead Dr. Whiting's body as chum (!) to entice the monster before blowing it up with explosives. Too bad that the viewer couldn't get as swift a death as the creature, because we'll have to keep the images of this film in our brains for the rest of our lives.  This horror film, directed by Charles B. Griffith (screenwriter of the cult classic LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS [1960] and director of such films as EAT MY DUST [1976] and DR. HECKYL AND MR. HYPE [1980]), is so bad, it almost reaches a new plateau of awfulness. It's a movie that is so shitty, I felt I had to wipe my ass after watching it. Nearly every technical credit is sub-par, including editing that looks to have been performed by someone going through detox, post-synch dubbing that sounds like it was recorded in a closet, and a monster that looks so ridiculous, I can't imagine how anyone in the cast kept a straight face when looking at it (imagine a shark with a couple of extra dorsal fins glued-on to it's body, done with the technical ability of an Ed Wood flick). Maybe it's because the cast realized when they got on set what a crap sandwich they signed themselves onto, as everyone looks and acts like they just got back from a loved one's funeral. The screenplay, by Alfred M. Sweeney (credited to Anne Dyer on posters and ad mats), is just a jumbled mess of horror clichés with no connective tissue, as sequences jump from one scene to the next without making any sense. People in this film do the most idiotic things imaginable and I let out an audible groan when all the tourists took to the ocean to kill the creature for a measly thousand bucks and a free week's stay at the resort (even the tourists that were injured the night before!). It's this type of contempt for the audience that makes this film a contender for the worst JAWS rip-off of all time (and, yes, I'm taking DEVIL FISH [1984] into consideration). Producer Cirio H. Santiago must of thought so, too, because he tried to redeem himself by directing a remake, DEMON OF PARADISE in 1987, but you know that old saying, "You can't polish a turd" had to come into effect, making DEMON one of the worst films in the late Santiago's long list of directorial efforts. UP FROM THE DEPTHS is an inane and slow-moving 85-minute piece of crap, which deserves all the bad vibes you can muster. Really, it's that bad. Also starring Denise Hayes, Chuck Doherty, Helen McNeely and Randy Taylor. Originally released theatrically by Roger Corman's New World Pictures and then on VHS by Vestron Video. Not available on DVD. Thank your lucky stars. Rated R for one scene of topless nudity. The blood and gore are practically non-existent (the bloodiest it gets is the sight of a torn-off arm on the ocean floor).

URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY (2005) - When a Salt Lake City high school prom gag goes wrong in 1969, leading to the death of hippie chick Mary Banner (Lillith Fields) and a cover-up by Willie and his jock friends, who stuffs her lifeless body in a trunk in the high school's basement, the legend of Bloody Mary is born. In the present day, Samantha Owens (Kate Mara) and a couple of her female high school friends are having a sleepover, telling each other scary urban legends when the topic of Blood Mary is brought up. Samantha foolishly repeats Bloody Mary's name three times and, in the morning, Samantha and her two friends have disappeared, worrying brother David (Robert Vito), mother Pam (Nancy Everhard; THE PUNISHER - 1989) and new stepdad Bill (Ed Marinaro; AVALANCHE ALLEY - 2001), who just happens to be the town's sheriff and is in the middle of a nasty campaign for Mayor. When Samantha and her friends turn up a day later, all three have the same story about waking up in an abandoned building in the state park with no memory of how they got there. Medical workups on all three girls show the presence of the date rape drug GHB in their systems, but none of them have been sexually assaulted. Suspicion immediately falls on members of the school's football team, since Samantha ran an unflattering photo and story of them in the school newspaper and they blacklisted her from the school dance. Samantha confides to brother David that it was indeed the jocks who drugged her and her friends as a practical joke, but that doesn't explain the rash of weird deaths happening to the jocks and their snotty cheerleader girlfriends, beginning with Roger (Brandon Sacks), who is roasted alive in a tanning bed.  When head cheerleader Heather (Audra Lee Keener) wakes up one morning covered in spiders (that crawl out of a huge zit on her face!), she rips her face off after crashing into a mirror. Head jock Buck (Michael Coe) believes that Samantha and David are responsible, but when fellow jock Tom (Nate Herd) has his penis fried off after pissing on an electric fence (his ring finger is also removed), Samantha believes this is all tied to Mary Banner's disappearance in 1969. Samantha and David begin looking-up people who were around during Mary's disappearance in 1969, beginning with black 60's radical pothead Grace Taylor (Tina Lifford; BLOOD WORK - 2002), who tells Samantha and David that Mary has returned and is taking revenge on the offspring of the five people responsible for her death. With three of the children already dead, Samantha and David try to find the remaining two families, not aware that one of the families is closer than they think (Hint: What name could Willy be using today?).  This is the third film in the URBAN LEGEND series and the first to go straight to home video. Professionally directed by Mary Lambert (PET SEMATARY - 1989; PET SEMATARY II - 1992; THE ATTIC - 2008) and acted by a talented cast of pros, URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY suffers from a weak script (screenplay by Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris) that never rises above the ordinary or offers any real scares. There are some gory deaths (Heather's spider-filled demise is the film's highlight) and shock cuts (especially when Bloody Mary enters the frame), but the entire story hinges on figuring out who the fifth family is and even a monkey who has its body and brains inflicted with syphilis in some laboratory experiment could figure it out in the film's first fifteen minutes. Don't get me wrong, this is an OK horror flick for those not too concerned about having a substantial plot, but I, for one, would have liked the mystery elements to be, well, more mysterious. Typical big-budget studio DTV stuff. Watchable, yet hardly remarkable. Also starring Don Shanks and Jeff Olson. A Sony Pictures Home Entertainment DVD Release. Rated R.

VAMPIRE COP (1990) - While I would normally leave a film like this for my friend Mario to review on his FILMS ON THE FRINGE section of this web site, I had to comment on this unholy crapfest disguised as a horror film. First, it was directed by former fanboy Donald Farmer of DEMON QUEEN (1986) infamy and second, it has a rare appearance by Mal Arnold, Fuad Ramses of BLOOD FEAST (1963), which many consider the first gore film. While he was wooden in that particular film, he looks absolutely professional as Lt. Ryan (who gets chainsawed to death for refusing to co-operate with gangsters) compared to all the other actors in this film. A vampire cop named Lucas (Ed Cannon, who is always shown in the same fog-shrouded shot as he is about to attack the bad guys) tries to stop a prostitute and drug ring after his partner is killed. Nosey TV reporter Melanie Roberts (Melissa Moore) keeps bugging Lucas for leads to the story and soon they fall in love. Finding out he is a vampire doesn't bother her much. Actually it turns her on more as she takes off her clothes at the drop of a hat (the only worthwhile reason for viewing this abomination). In the finale,  Melanie is taken hostage by the head baddie as he forces Lucas to wait for the sun to rise, therefore killing his nemesis and keeping his illegal business in business. I'm trying to decide where to start to describe how bad this film really is. Besides the atrocious acting, there's shots of Lucas being shot point blank by shotguns and handguns and no bullet holes appear in his shirt! The dimestore vampire teeth are a laugh riot and when he bites down on a victim, he rises with no blood on his mouth. Now that's what I call cleaning your plate! The camera work is choppy and the music mainly generic, but the biggest head-scratcher of all is how does a vampire become a cop? Don't you have to go through trainng camp for several weeks? In the daylight? While there is plenty of nudity on display (most of the supporting women are butt-ugly) this film doesn't have much going for it except the all-too-brief appearance of Arnold and the aforementioned nudity of Moore (who is beautiful and has a long career in horror films). For a vampire film, this one sucks. Keep on the lookout because Donald Farmer is still making films today and it looks like he has learned nothing from his previous mistakes. Also starring Terence Jenkins, Michelle Berman and Morrow Faye. Tim Ritter (KILLING SPREE - 1987) also gets an associate producer credit on this but it's not on his resume. Good move, Tim.  An Atlas Entertainment Corporation Release. Rated R.

VAMPIRE HOOKERS (1979) - You know when you hear dialogue such as, "Coffins are for being laid to rest, not for being laid" that you're not watching an intellectual film. John Carradine plays the Walt Whitman-quoting head of a coven of female vampires who disguise themselves as prostitutes and lure their tricks to an underground lair in a graveyard, where Carradine and his group (including veteran Filippino actor Vic Diaz, who farts in his coffin) drain them of blood. When two sailors (Bruce Fairbairn and Trey Wilson) lose their commanding officer after he is picked-up by a vampire hooker, they go looking for him and end up battling Carradine & Co.. This Philippines-lensed film, directed by action/horror stalwart Cirio H. Santiago (NAKED VENGEANCE - 1985; DEMON OF PARADISE - 1987), is played strictly for laughs. At least I think it was, but since I didn't laugh, I could very well be wrong. Vic Diaz spends most of his screen time crying (he wants to be a vampire but can't stand the taste of blood), farting (and inhaling the vapors) or chasing our two heroes around a graveyard, while Carradine quotes poetry and the hooker/vampires spout lines like, "It's not murder. It's dinner." Our two heroes don't fare much better in the dialogue department as they have to speak such cringe-inducing lines like, "That cemetery is full of dead bodies!" (Well, let hope so!). This one-joke film is stretched to an unbearable 80 minutes and, if it weren't for the frequent female nudity on view, I would have turned it off after Diaz's first gas attack. There's also some risable post-sync dubbing (it seems about 50% of the film is dubbed) even though it's plain to see everyone is speaking English. It also has a long orgy scene (where the female vampires keep their panties on) intercut with Carradine killing a rat with a crossbow and making Diaz drink it's blood. The uncredited end title song has lyrics that go, "They're vampire hookers and blood is not all they suck." That's about as funny as it gets here, folks. This is one of those films that everyone has heard of but few have seen. There is a reason for that. It stinks. Also starring Karen Stride, Lenka Novak, Katie Dolan and Lex Winter. Also known as CEMETERY GIRLS, SENSUOUS VAMPIRES and NIGHT OF THE BLOODSUCKERS. A Continental Video Release. Rated R.

THE VELVET VAMPIRE (1971) - Arty vampire tale set in the desert. Bloodsucker Celeste Yarnall invites married couple Michael Blodgett and Sherry Miles to stay the weekend at her retreat in the middle of the desert. Yarnall is not your typical vampire. She jets around in a dune buggy, spies on the couple in their bedroom through a two way mirror, eats raw chicken liver, and sleeps with the corpse of her century-dead husband. She also sleeps with both the husband and the wife. The husband and wife are also not your normal married couple. They have identical dreams at night, dreaming of making love to Yarnall on a bed in the blazing sun of the desert. And when Miles catches Blodgett in the act of screwing Yarnall on the floor of the living room, she seems more disappointed than angry. Disappointed that it's not her with Yarnall. Yarnall makes a mighty fetching vampire, with her chalk white body and come-hither attitude. Throw in some Indian mysticism and a few murders and you have a vampire tale more interested in the sensual and sexual aspects of the undead than most other fang bearing tales (except maybe THE VAMPIRE LOVERS and VAMPYRES). As with a lot of films made in the early '70's, hippies end up saving the day. Director Stephanie Rothman (TERMINAL ISLAND) shows a steady hand here, and definitely gives the story a feminine touch by displaying as much male flesh as female, as well as showing that woman is the superior intellect. Recommended for those with an open mind (or an open wound). The late Robert Tessier (FERTILIZE THE BLASPHEMING BOMBSHELL) has a small role here. An Embassy Home Entertainment Release. Also available from Simitar Entertainment in an atrocious print recorded in the EP mode. Rated R.

VICTIMS! (1985) - You would think that any movie that opens with a series of murders committed against women, including a hatchet to the head, a meatcleaver attack and a stabbing (all in the first 3 minutes!), would be interesting to watch. You would be seriously wrong. Director Jeff Hathcock (NIGHT RIPPER - 1986, FERTILIZE THE BLASPHEMING BOMBSHELL - 1989) has a mean misogynistic streak in him as it is apparent that all he wants to show is women getting raped, beaten to a pulp or killed in bloody ways. After a confusing 20 minute setup, this film tells the story of four women who go out on a trip in the desert. They are stalked and attacked by two mental deficients who take pleasure in raping and torturing the women. That's basically all there is to this film except for poor editing (some dialogue is cut off at various edits), shitty photography (the night scenes are impossible to see), crappy sound (one scene, where the four girls are talking in a car, all you can hear is a lawnmower in the background!), grade school acting (lots and lots of SCREAMING! and crying) and dime store gore effects. I'm still trying to figure out what type of audience this film was made for. Films like LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) and <